THE AUDITION

by Richard Nathan

 

A CASTING DIRECTOR sits in a chair to one side of the stage.  An ACTRESS is ready to audition.:

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    Take your time, and begin when you're ready. 

The Actress prepares, and after a moment starts to speak

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    Make...

The Casting Director interrupts.

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    What are you doing?

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    Auditioning.

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    I mean, what piece are you doing?

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    Oh!  It's one of Viola's speeches from "Twelfth
                                    Night."

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    Oh.  Okay.  Begin when you're ready.

The Actress prepares, and after a moment starts to speak.

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    Make me a...

The Casting Director interrupts again.

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    Would you like me to give you a cue?

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    I'm sorry?

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    I thought maybe you'd like me to feed you a cue,
                                    to get you started.

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    I can start.  I was trying to start.

                                                            CASTING DIRECTORY
                                    I just thought I'd offer to help.

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    All right.  Please say, "Why, what would you?"

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    Why, what would you?

The Casting Director's line reading is wooden; completely unhelpful.

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
                                    And call upon my soul within the house;
                                    Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
                                    And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
                                    Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
                                    And make the babbling gossip of the air
                                    Cry out "Olivia!"  O, you should not rest
                                    Between the elements of air and earth,
                                    But you should pity me.    

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    That was nice.  Very nice.  Now can you do it
                                    as an old lady?

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    But Olivia's not...

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    So you're telling me you can't do it as an old
                                    lady?

                                                            ACTRESS
                                                    (as a very old lady)
                                    Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
                                    And call upon my soul within the house;
                                    Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
                                    And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
                                    Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
                                    And make the babbling gossip of the air
                                    Cry out "Olivia!"  O, you should not rest
                                    Between the elements of air and earth,
                                    But you should pity me.    

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    Now as an old lady from Brooklyn.

The Actress glares at the Casting Director, but gives it a shot.

                                                            ACTRESS
                                                    (as a very old lady from Brooklyn)
                                    Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
                                    And call upon my soul within the house;
                                    Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
                                    And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
                                    Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
                                    And make the babbling gossip of the air
                                    Cry out "Olivia!"  O, you should not rest
                                    Between the elements of air and earth,
                                    But you should pity me.    

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    Now as an old lady from Brooklyn being chased
                                    around the stage by a giant duck from outer space.

                                                            ACTRESS
                                                    (as a very old lady from Brooklyn
                                                     being chased around the stage by a
                                                     giant duck from outer space)
                                    Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
                                    And call upon my soul within the house;
                                    Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
                                    And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
                                    Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
                                    And make the babbling gossip of the air
                                    Cry out "Olivia!"  O, you should not rest
                                    Between the elements of air and earth,
                                    But you should pity me.    

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    I love it!  That was great!

                                                            ACTRESS
                                    So are you going to give me a part?

                                                            CASTING DIRECTOR
                                    I don't have any parts.  I just took out that notice 
                                    cause I love humiliating actresses. 

The Actress takes out a gun and shoots the Casting Director.  He falls down dead.

 

BLACKOUT                                     

 

2005 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.

 

 

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