NIGHT IN TRANSYLVANIA
By Richard Nathan
FADE IN:
INT. SHADOWS -- NIGHT
JONATHAN HARKER, a cynical smart-ass with a greasepaint mustache, steps out of the shadows and addresses the audience.
HARKER
Prepare yourself for the most horrible
monster you've
ever seen. My name is
Jonathan Harker.
From off-screen comes the sound of a terrified
SCREAM.
HARKER
I'm a lawyer.
From off-screen comes another horrified SCREAM.
This is beginning to annoy Harker.
HARKER
A lawyer who sells real estate.
From off-screen comes a third horrified SCREAM.
HARKER
This is the story of my
encounter with
Count Dracula the vampire!
Harker waits for a scream, which never comes.
Finally Harker decides the only way to get a scream is to do it himself.
Harker SCREAMS.
INT.
LOBBY OF THE INN -- NIGHT
In the lobby of the Golden Krone
Inn, Harker is
speaking to the INN KEEPER. An OLD
WOMAN (the Inn Keeper's wife) sits nearby. Harker carries
his suitcase, preparing to leave. The
Inn Keeper speaks with a heavy Eastern European accent.
HARKER
What do I owe you?
INNKEEPER
Our rates are thirty kopeks a night.
HARKER
When can I check out?
INN KEEPER
Whenever you'd like!
HARKER
How about the day before yesterday?
OLD WOMAN
But you only arrived last night!
HARKER
Then that's thirty kopecks you
owe me.
INN KEEPER
But. . . .
OLD WOMAN
But...
HARKER
Didn't you say I could check out whenever
I liked?
Are you going back on your word?
There
are laws against misrepresentation!
INN KEEPER
now! It's
Walpurgis Nacht!
HARKER
Walpurgis what?
INN KEEPER
Nacht! Nacht!
HARKER
Nacht, nacht? Who's
there?
INN KEEPER
Walpurgis Nacht.
HARKER
INN KEEPER
Walpurgis Nacht is the night when all evil
things in the
world will have full sway!
HARKER
That's probably the worst knock knock
joke I've ever
heard. Anyway, I've got to
leave tonight. Count Dracula is sending
someone to pick me up.
OLD WOMAN
Count Dracula!!!
The old woman spits.
HARKER
You know him?
OLD WOMAN
That nudnik, that gonif, that shnorrer!
Such a
momzer he was! Oy.
HARKER
I just love quaint Transylvanian idioms,
and you two certainly are a couple of
idioms.
INN KEEPER
What business do you have with Dracula?
HARKER
I sell real estate, and Count Dracula wants
to buy a
miserable, falling-down wreck next
to a lunatic asylum.
I had to come all the
way out here to Transylvania to unload that
property.
OLD WOMAN
So you're going to sell him a crummy piece
of real
estate?
HARKER
Exactly.
OLD LADY
Okay, whatever you do to each other, you
both deserve
it.
Suddenly DRACULA barges in, wearing an obviously fake
beard.
HARKER
Who are you?
Everyone stares at Dracula, who answers in a
phony-sounding Italian accent.
DRACULA
This isn't a fake beard!
HARKER
Pleased to meet you. This isn't a fake
mustache!
DRACULA
I'm here to pick up Jonathan Harker.
HARKER
I'm Jonathan Harker. Who are you?
DRACULA
I'm the guy that's here to pick you up.
I'm Count Dracula's - what do you call it -
his henchman!
Harker looks out the window to the front of the
inn.
HARKER
Where's your coach?
DRACULA
Back at the Castle.
HARKER
Then how are you going to take me back to
the Castle?
DRACULA
It's like I said.
I'm here to pick up Jonathan
Harker.
Dracula literally picks up Harker and carries him out
of the Inn.
EXT. TRANSYLVANIAN
COUNTRYSIDE --
NIGHT
The film is sped up as Dracula carries Harker over
the Transylvanian countryside.
EXT. IN
FRONT OF CASTLE DRACULA --
NIGHT
Dracula and Harker arrive at the entrance to Castle Dracula. Dracula puts Harker down.
DRACULA
Wait here, and I'll let you in.
I mean,
Count Dracula will let you in.
Dracula runs off.
A moment letter, he opens the front door. He has taken off the fake beard and holds it in one hand.
DRACULA
Good evening. I'm
Count Dracula.
Harker looks down at the fake beard in Dracula’s
hand. Dracula notices.
He throws the beard out into the night.
DRACULA
I was just putting out the cat.
Come in!
They enter the Castle.
INT. CASTLE
DRACULA -- NIGHT
Harker and Dracula enter the Castle.
HARKER
So, you're Count Dracula?
DRACULA
That's right.
HARKER
Funny, that doesn't sound like a Transylvanian
accent.
DRACULA
Yeah. I
study the English pretty good.
When I get to England, I don't want to
sound like a foreigner.
From outside comes the HOWL OF WOLVES.
DRACULA
Listen to those guys. The children of the
night! That's some music they make!
HARKER
Children of the night??? That's what you
call the wolves???
DRACULA
No. That's
what I call the gypsy kids out
back. They
got a garage band. The
Children Of
The Night!
BAD GUITAR PLAYING and DRUMMING is heard with the
HOWLING.
DRACULA
You hungry?
HARKER
I could do with a bite.
Harker and Dracula each give the other a wary look.
They decide to let the straight line drop.
DRACULA takes Harker over to a table where dinner is placed.
DRACULA
I got your supper prepared - chicken
paprika, asparagus and cannolis.
Harker sits at the table and starts to eat.
He offers to share the food with his host.
HARKER
This looks wonderful. What about you?
Would
you like some of this?
DRACULA
I never eat . . .
chicken paprika!
HARKER
Oh. Some
vegetables, maybe?
DRACULA
I never eat . . .
asparagus.
HARKER
How about the cannolis?
Suddenly, with incredible speed, Dracula gobbles up
all the cannolis. Harker is shocked.
DRACULA
Everybody eats cannolis!
HARKER
If the Italian Anti-Defamation League
complains about
this - you're on your own.
DRACULA
That's okay. I'm
from Transylvania.
HARKER
Really?
DRACULA
Sure. I
come from a long line of Transylvanian
warriors.
Tough fighters. My parents
fought all the time. My mother
liked to
invade the Ottoman Empire.
HARKER
Let me tell you about the property I've
picked out
for you. You know the three
most important things about property, don't
you?
DRACULA
No.
HARKER
The three most important things are location,
location, location.
DRACULA
You forgot another important thing!
--
What's the address?
HARKER
All right, the four most important things
are location, location, location and what's
the address. This property is conveniently
located right next to an insane
asylum.
DRACULA
That's good, huh?
HARKER
Sure, it cuts down on your commute.
DRACULA
Is the house old?
I like old houses.
HARKER
Your house is so old, its got antique dust.
DRACULA
That's nice. I
like old houses because I
come from an old family.
My family goes
way, way back.
HARKER
Really?
DRACULA
Sure. Before
me was my father. And
before him
was his father. And before him
was
his father. That was my great
grandfather.
Before
my great
grandfather was his father.
And before him was his father.
HARKER
How much fa'ther can this go?
DRACULA
I could go on with this all night.
Now who
do you think was before my father's father's
father's father's
father?
HARKER
Let me take a wild guess. Was it your
father's father's father's father's father's
father?
DRACULA
You've been studying my family tree!
HARKER
When did your family come out of the trees?
DRACULA
I don't know for sure, but I think it was
somebody's
father.
HARKER
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle.
DRACULA
Maybe we're related.
HARKER
If we are, I'll slit my throat.
DRACULA
That's dangerous in these parts.
HARKER
I should have gone somewhere where
slitting my throat
was safe!
Harker touches his throat, and notices he has quite a bit of stubble.
HARKER
Speaking of which, I think I might need
a shave. Let me take a look. Fortunately,
I always carry a little pocket mirror.
Harker reaches into a pocket and takes out a pocket mirror. He turns away from Dracula, so that Dracula is directly behind him, and then looks in the mirror. He notices that Dracula does not cast a reflection in the mirror. He looks at Dracula and then looks in the mirror again.
HARKER
Say, how is it that you don't cast a reflection
in this mirror?
DRACULA
You must have got a bad mirror. They make a
lot of cheap stuff these days. Where'd you get
it?
HARKER
Back in England.
DRACULA
There's the problem. I never been to England.
Are you upset you can't see my face?
HARKER
No, that's the first nice thing that's happened to me
all day!
DRACULA
That reminds me, you got any family or
friends back
in England who know where
you are?
HARKER
There's my fiancée, Mina Murray.
DRACULA
Fiancée? You
think she'd notice if you
didn't come back?
HARKER
Maybe not right away. But after five or six
years, I think she might notice.
DRACULA
Oh. So
she's the sensitive type?
HARKER
She's a wealthy, sophisticated, wealthy,
cultured, wealthy widow who owns the
insane asylum next to your new property.
DRACULA
You say she's wealthy?
HARKER
Don't get any ideas. She's my fiancée.
DRACULA
You should send her a letter, so she won't
worry. You write, and I'll tell you what to
say.
Dracula gives Harker a pen and some stationary.
DRACULA
(dictating)
Dear
Mina, How are you? I am fine.
I
like Transylvania, and think I'll stay awhile.
Don't worry about me. I
haven't been killed
by Count Dracula, who isn't a vampire no
matter what anybody
says. Love, Jonathan
Harker.
Jonathan
finishes writing as Dracula smiles proudly.
Dracula grabs the letter away, and gives Harker an envelope.
DRACULA
Now
address the envelope. That should
put her mind at rest.
Harker writes the address on the envelope.
HARKER
It
should put her mind in a coma.
Dracula reaches for the envelope, but Harker pulls it away.
DRACULA
It's
just so she won't worry. I don't
want
anyone to worry. Lots a people
around
here worry about vampires. You
know
what a vampire is?
HARKER
A
big pain in the neck?
DRACULA
They
don’t always bite you in the neck.
But
a neck is good because it’s easy to
find a vein there.
It’s especially easy if you
use hypnosis.
HARKER
Is
that because a Trance’ll-Vein-Ya?
DRACULA
You’re
a pretty smart guy for a lawyer.
Now,
I got to go get things ready for my
trip. You stay in this room. Whatever you
do, don't go out or you're in big trouble.
Trust
me on this.
HARKER
Why
should I trust you?
DRACULA
Have
I ever told you the truth about
anything?
HARKER
No.
DRACULA
Well,
there's a first time for everything.
Dracula takes the envelope and leaves the room. A moment later, Harker leaves the room.
INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA -- NIGHT
Harker enters, and meets the 1ST VAMPIRE WOMAN. She's extremely beautiful and sexy, in an undead sort of way.
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Look
who's here!
HARKER
If
you're Count Dracula in another disguise,
I'm going to be very disappointed.
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I've
never disappointed a man.
HARKER
Never
in your life?
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Who
said anything about life?
Enter the 2ND VAMPIRE WOMAN and the 3RD VAMPIRE WOMAN, both beautiful and sexy.
2ND
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
He's
so young and so red-blooded.
3RD
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I
want him now.
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I
saw him first.
2ND
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
He
has kisses for us all.
HARKER
That's
right. There are plenty of kisses
to
go around.
Enter the 4TH VAMPIRE WOMAN, the 5TH VAMPIRE WOMAN and the 6TH VAMPIRE WOMAN.
4TH
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Plenty
for all of us?
5th
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I'm
very greedy. And I insist on
getting
my share.
6th
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I
want him now!
HARKER
Are
all of you friends with Count Dracula?
Enter the 7TH VAMPIRE WOMAN, the 8TH VAMPIRE WOMAN and the 9TH VAMPIRE WOMAN.
7TH
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Tonight,
I am your woman!
8TH
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Tonight,
we are all your women.
9TH
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Let's
not fight over him.
HARKER
Oh,
go ahead. Thin the heard.
The Vampire Woman begin stroking him. One strokes his hand, another his foot, another his forehead.
2ND
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
He
said he could satisfy us all.
HARKER
I
said I had kisses for you all. I
didn't say
anything about satisfying you.
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I
will be satisfied.
2ND
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Not
before me.
HARKER
And
not before me!
3RD
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I
said I will have him now.
5th
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
You
won’t leave anything for the rest of us!
One woman is pulling on Harker's head, one on his right hand, one on his left hand, one on his right foot, and one on his left foot. Before they can pull him limb from limb, Dracula enters, carrying a huge sack. He is angry.
DRACULA
Hey!
How many times I got to tell you not to
play with your food!
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Feed
us!
2ND
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
You
don't love us anymore.
DRACULA
Sure
I do! Here! I brought you some take
out.
Dracula tosses them a huge sack. From it emerges a NERDY TEENAGE BOY, wearing glasses. At first the nerdy boy is nervous, then he looks around and sees the sexy vampire woman, and he is delighted. The Vampire Women engulf him. When they are done, all that is left is his glasses. The Vampire Women depart. Harker is aghast. Dracula turns to him.
DRACULA
You've
seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've
got an explanation for everything.
HARKER
Really?
DRACULA
Yeah,
you're crazy.
HARKER
I'm
not crazy.
DRACULA
Who
said you were?
HARKER
You
did!
DRACULA
No
I didn't. That proves you're crazy!
You're imagining things.
HARKER
So
I imagined you said I was crazy, which
proves I am crazy, because you never
claimed I was crazy in the first place????
DRACULA
Sure.
I never heard such crazy talk!
HARKER
You're
right! I must be nuts!
Maybe I
should move into that insane asylum next
door to you.
DRACULA
No,
I wouldn't like that.
HARKER
You
don't want me locked in an asylum?
DRACULA
I
don't want you for a neighbor. Which
reminds me, when do I sign the contract
for the house?
Harker reaches into his jacket and takes out a
contract and a pen, but he doesn't hand them to Dracula yet.
HARKER
Before we do that, we've got to talk about
the price.
DRACULA
I'm Count Dracula.
Money means nothing to
me.
HARKER
In that case, I left off a zero.
Harker changes the contract.
DRACULA
It doesn't matter.
I never pay attention to
money.
HARKER
What happens when the bills come?
DRACULA
It doesn't matter.
I never pay attention to
money.
HARKER
You don't pay your bills???
Dracula shrugs his shoulders.
HARKER
You can't do that!
You've never even
been to law school!
Now if you hire me
as your lawyer, I can have you declared
fiscally and
morally bankrupt, and you'll
never have to pay anything again.
DRACULA
I don't think I can never pay anything again.
HARKER
Why not?
DRACULA
If I never pay anything again, doesn't that
mean sometime I had to pay something
before?
HARKER
You mean you've never paid anyone
anything?
DRACULA
I'm Count Dracula.
Money means nothing
to me.
HARKER
But I can make that legal.
DRACULA
(dismissive)
Sure.
Fine.
HARKER
Of
course it'll cost you. And you'll
have
to pay my bill when it comes. My
bill for
declaring you bankrupt.
DRACULA
(dismissive)
Sure.
Fine.
HARKER
You’re
not going to pay me, are you?
DRACULA
How
should I know? Maybe I will, maybe
I won't. Money means nothing to me.
Dracula grabs the contract and the pent from Harker, signs the contract with an "X," and keeps the contract.
HARKER
So what are your plans for me?
DRACULA
Well.
. . . .
HARKER
You
might as well tell me the truth. It’ll
just be more evidence I'm crazy.
DRACULA
Okay.
I'm leaving for England tomorrow.
I
think you should stay here and look after
my wives.
HARKER
You
mean they won't kill me?
DRACULA
First
they'll kill you, then you can look after
them. Now I've got to go finish packing.
I've got to bring boxes of Transylvanian earth to
sleep in.
The front door is locked, so you can't
get out.
Now remember, if you see anything
strange, it’s just because you’re
crazy.
Dracula morphs into a bat and flies out a window. Harker runs out of the room, going back to the room where his dinner was served.
INT. FIRST ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA -- DAWN
Harker goes to the table where his meal was served. He removes the tablecloth.
HARKER
I
may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
Harker begins tearing the tablecloth into strips, to make an escape rope.
EXT. TRANSYLVANIAN COUNTRYSIDE -- DAWN
The sun rises.
INT. FIRST ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA -- DAY
Harker has cut up the tablecloth and made it into a long rope. He ties it to a column in the room, and lowers the end out of the window. He then proceeds to climb out the window.
EXT. STORM AT SEA -- NIGHT
A schooner, the Demeter, struggles to say upright on a stormy sea. A legend appears on the screen, reading: "THE DEMETER - FIRST NIGHT AT SEA."
EXT. THE DECK OF THE DEMETER -- NIGHT
The CAPTAIN addresses his crew of seven SAILORS.
CAPTAIN
Listen
up, you mangy sea dogs. We've
got a
hard voyage ahead of us, but you're
the roughest, toughest scum I could find.
Murderers, thieves, cutthroats all of you.
I know you've heard rumors about our
cargo.
It's just dirt! Fifty boxes
of dirt.
That's all it is. Nothing to worry about.
Now let's ride out this storm.
EXT. STORM AT SEA -- NIGHT
The storm rages on. A legend appears on the screen that reads: "THE DEMETER - SECOND NIGHT AT SEA."
EXT. THE DECK OF THE DEMETER -- NIGHT
The Captain addresses his crew of six sailors. One has disappeared.
CAPTAIN
It
seems one of you dogs decided he'd
rather swim to England.
So what! Now
we've got a
crew of six dogs, and one
captain! That's
enough. Nothing to worry
about.
EXT. STORM AT SEA -- NIGHT
The storm continues, and the legend reads: "THE DEMETER - THIRD NIGHT AT SEA."
CAPTAIN
Now
it's two men disappeared. I don't
care. There's nothing to worry about!
Sailors
disappear - drown - all the time!
It's part
of being a sailor, the drowning part!
Nothing to worry
about.
EXT. STORM AT SEA -- NIGHT
The storm continues, and the legend reads: "THE DEMETER - FOURTH NIGHT AT SEA."
EXT. THE DECK OF THE DEMETER -- NIGHT
The Captain addresses his crew of four sailors.
CAPTAIN
Anyone
else want to join the three who've
left us?
Any other cowards who aren't
brave enough to stay on board?
I'm not
worried about the three who are gone.
With all this water, you've got to expect a
little drowning!
EXT. STORM AT SEA -- NIGHT
The storm continues, and the legend reads: "THE DEMETER - FIFTH NIGHT AT SEA."
EXT. THE DECK OF THE DEMETER -- NIGHT
The Captain addresses his crew of three sailors.
CAPTAIN
Four
gone. More pay for the rest of us.
Nothing to worry about, except how we're
going to spend all our money.
EXT. STORM AT SEA -- NIGHT
The storm continues, and the legend reads: "THE DEMETER - SIXTH NIGHT AT SEA."
EXT. THE DECK OF THE DEMETER -- NIGHT
The Captain addresses his crew of two sailors.
CAPTAIN
Nothing
to worry about!!! But we might
put
some sand on the deck. Deck might
be a little slippery. Obviously,
must be
slippery, men slipping overboard. But
if
you're careful not to slip, then you've got
nothing to worry about.
EXT. STORM AT SEA -- NIGHT
The storm continues, and the legend reads: "THE DEMETER - SEVENTH NIGHT AT SEA."
EXT. THE DECK OF THE DEMETER -- NIGHT
The Captain addresses his crew of one remaining sailor, IVAN.
CAPTAIN
Just
you and me, Ivan. But I'm not
worried.
You worried, Ivan?
Ivan screams in terror and leaps over the side of the boat, into the sea.
CAPTAIN
I
guess Ivan was worried.
EXT. STORM AT SEA -- NIGHT
The storm continues, and the legend reads: "THE DEMETER - EIGHTH NIGHT AT SEA."
EXT. THE DECK OF THE DEMETER -- NIGHT
The Captain has covered himself with crucifixes. He shouts:
CAPTAIN
All
right, Dracula. I've let you kill
every
one of my crew. I'm the only
one left!
Now, I think its time we
re-negotiated my
fee. I want twice
as much for getting you to
England. And
don't getting any funny ideas
about doing me in. I've got protection!
Crosses!
Lots of crosses. Nothing for
me
to worry about.
Dracula comes up on deck. He stays away from the crucifixes.
DRACULA
What
are you yelling about?
CAPTAIN
You
killed my entire crew, but you won’t kill me!
DRACULA
You’re
crazy! I haven’t killed anyone
since
before the voyage started!
CAPTAIN
You
expect me to believe that?
DRACULA
What
do I care what you believe? This
storm makes me seasick. I’m going
back
to my coffin.
CAPTAIN
But
it must have been you! What
happened
to my crew? They were
scared out of their
minds!
DRACULA
What?
You think I’m the only monster out
here on the ocean?
A GREAT WHITE SHARK leaps up onto the deck, swallows the Captain in one bite, and slides back into the sea.
DRACULA
That’s
a nice shark. I’m going back to
my
coffin 'til we get to England!
EXT. INSANE ASYLUM -- EVENING
Establishing shot of the insane asylum next to Dracula's new home.
INT. FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM -- EVENING
MINA MURRAY, a wealthy dowager, is speaking with her good friend LUCY WESTENRA, an attractive young gold digger.
MINA
Lucy,
I must be blunt. I do not approve
of the fiancé you have selected.
LUCY
But,
Mina, he's a Lord and fabulously rich.
MINA
That
is precisely what people are saying.
They
believe you are marrying him solely
for his title and his wealth.
LUCY
That's
not true. He's a darling man.
I love
him dearly for his heart and his mind.
MINA
He is
a mental patient!
LUCY
You
know how eccentric the nobility are.
He
checked into your asylum for rest and
relaxation. That's all.
MINA
I
find that difficult to believe.
LUCY
(calling)
Doctor
Seward! Doctor Seward!
Doctor
Seward enters. He’s a handsome
young man, with a quirky quality about him that suggests an affinity to both
Harker and Dracula.
SEWARD
Yes,
Miss Westenra?
LUCY
Please
bring in Lord Godalming. I want to
introduce him to Mina.
SEWARD
I’ll
do my best to find him.
MINA
Find
him? Don’t you keep your patients
under supervision?
SEWARD
We
try. But it’s difficult to with a
man like
Lord Godalming.
Seward exits. Lucy turns back to Mina.
MINA
Sometimes
I wonder if Dr. Seward’s
patients influence him more than he
influences his patients.
LUCY
Once
you meet Lord Godalming, I know
you'll admire and respect him as much as
I do.
Seward enters.
SEWARD
It
is my honor to present, Arthur Renfield,
Lord Godalming.
RENFIELD
a mad, curly-haired imp, bursts into the room.
He throws himself onto Lucy and begins kissing her.
Lucy breaks away and tries to escape, but Renfield chases her around the
room until Seward tackles him and holds him down.
LUCY
Arthur,
I've told you, we must wait until
after the wedding before we show
affection for
each other. Besides, you
have a
visitor. I want you to meet my best
friend, Mina Murray. She owns this
asylum.
Now please stand up and
greet her like a
gentleman.
Cautiously, Seward allows Renfield to stand. Renfield casually strolls over to Mina, and then jumps on her and begins kissing her all over.
MINA
Help!
Help! Save me from this mad
man!
Renfield
is terrified by Mina's shouting. He
runs into a corner and hides.
LUCY
Arthur,
stop playing games. I want you to
show Mina that you can behave like a
gentleman.
Have some toast and tea.
Renfield begins acting like an extremely effete gentleman. He saunters over to the tea table and pours himself a cup of tea. He puts in a teaspoon of sugar. Then he puts in another teaspoon of sugar. Then another teaspoon of sugar. Then he dumps the rest of the sugar bowl into his cup of tea. He places the cup of sugary mess on an open windowsill.
MINA
What
on earth is he doing?
Renfield takes a peace of toast. He spreads on jam. Then he spreads on more jam, until there is more jam than toast. He leaves this mess on the windowsill, next to the tea.
SEWARD
He's
been acting this way since that storm
last week. The storm that washed up that
derelict ship.
A fly buzzes in, attracted by all the sugar. Renfield tries to grab it, and knocks over the tea. He grabs the jam-covered toast, and tries to use it to lure the fly closer.
MINA
Why
is he chasing that fly?
SEWARD
He
wants to eat it. He’s developed
the
belief that eating living creatures will add to
his own life span.
The
fly lands on Mina's forehead. Renfield
smashes her in the face with the jam-covered toast, catching the fly.
He grabs the fly and eats it.
MINA
Lucy,
I will never permit you to marry
this lunatic!
If you do so in spite of my
wishes, I will see to it that you are never
accepted in polite society again!
Mina
leaves the room. Furious, Lucy
grabs Renfield by the shirt and shakes him roughly, then shoves him aside.
She turns to
Seward.
LUCY
Doctor
Seward, you've got to help me
convince her that Renfield is sane.
SEWARD
But
he isn't sane!
LUCY
And
what kind of doctor does that make
you, if you can’t cure even your wealthiest
patients? Do you want Mina to
continue
supporting your hospital or not? Come
on!
We've got to convince Mina!
Lucy pulls Seward out of the room, leaving Renfield behind. He smoothes his shirt, where Lucy grabbed him. There's a knock at the door. Renfield opens the door, to reveal Dracula standing in the moonlight. Renfield gestures for Dracula to enter.
DRACULA
Thanks
for inviting me in. You remember
who I am?
Renfield
does a silent imitation of a wolf howling, and then does an imitation of a bat
(with fangs) flapping its wings.
DRACULA
That's
right. I'm Count Dracula. And I brought
you a present.
A big juicy spider.
Renfield is excited.
DRACULA
You like spiders, huh? Spiders are better than
flies because spiders eat flies. You should try
birds next! Now, where's that spider?
Dracula reaches into
his pants pocket, but can't find the spider.
DRACULA
Wait
a minute. I got a hole in my
pocket.
Just a second.
Dracula reaches into his shirt, searching for the spider. Finally, he finds it, somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. He pulls it out of his clothes.
DRACULA
Here
you go. A big, juicy spider!
Renfield grabs the spider and gulps it down.
DRACULA
That's
good, eh? Now what are you going
to
give me?
Renfield
begins to search his own body for bugs.
DRACULA
No,
I don't want any bugs. I need
something bigger, with more blood. Like
your fiancée.
Renfield
doesn't appreciate the suggestion. He
threatens to hit Dracula.
DRACULA
What's
the matter? You don't want to
share, huh? You like your fiancée?
She's
a pretty lady!
Renfield nods enthusiastically.
DRACULA
You
and she have lots of fun, eh?
Sadly,
Renfield shakes his head no.
DRACULA
She's
not much fun?
Renfield
mimes having his teeth pulled out.
DRACULA
Ouch.
Like pulling teeth. Well, I
can
make her fun. After I drink her
blood,
she'll be just like me.
Renfield is disgusted.
DRACULA
What's
the matter with me?
Renfield
mimes to show that Lucy is a beautiful, sexy woman, but Dracula is a slob.
DRACULA
No,
she'll still be a beautiful woman, but
she'll be fun. What do you say?
Renfield
looks skeptical.
DRACULA
You
want her to change, don’t you? To
be more fun?
Renfield nods his head “yes.”
DRACULA
Then
what’s the matter? Don’t you
think
I can change her? It’ll be
easy. She’ll be
crazy about me.
Renfield looks skeptical again.
DRACULA
Don’t
you think she’ll go for me? Why
not?
Renfield
mimes something very, very high (tying to indicate that Lucy is above Dracula).
DRACULA
She’s
tall. Really tall.
You think she won’t
like me because she’s tall.
You’re crazy!
I’ve had
lots of tall women go for me.
Renfield
goes to a bookshelf and takes down a book and starts studying it.
DRACULA
She
likes books.
Renfield
takes down lots of books and studies them all.
DRACULA
She
likes lots of books! She’s a
librarian!
You don’t think
she’ll like me because she’s
a tall librarian!
Renfield
shakes his head no. Then as he
pretends to study a book, he sneaks a peashooter into his mouth, and shoots a
pea at Dracula.
DRACULA
Wait
a minute. That’s not a library.
It’s
a classroom! Classroom … class …
class . . . tall class?
High class? High
class!
I got it! High class!
You don’t
think she’ll like me because she’s too high
class!
Renfield
congratulates Dracula for figuring it out.
Then Dracula gets offended. He
and Renfield threaten to punch each other.
DRACULA
You’re
crazy! I got lots of class!
You’ll
see!
Enter Lucy. She spots Dracula.
LUCY
Who
are you?
DRACULA
I'm
Count Dracula.
LUCY
Are
you another inmate in this nut house?
DRACULA
No.
I bought the estate next door.
LUCY
You
aren't a bug eater?
DRACULA
I
never eat. . . bugs.
He
kisses her hand and gives her a look of smoldering sexuality.
LUCY
Count
Dracula, is there a Countess
Dracula?
DRACULA
Sure.
I got lots of wives.
LUCY
Lots
of them? I thought a man could only
have one wife.
DRACULA
No,
he can have as many as he wants, as
long as they're dead.
I got lots of dead
wives. But
not one of them is as pretty as
you. What
do you say we have some fun?
Dracula stares at her. His eyes are hypnotic.
LUCY
Well,
I . . .
DRACULA
Come
on. I know how to show a lady a
good time.
FADE TO:
INT. LUCY'S BEDROOM -- DAY
Lucy
is pale and weak. She’s sleeping.
There are two very tiny bite marks on her neck.
Dr. Seward is examining her, while Mina looks on nervously.
SEWARD
I
don't understand it. She shows
signs of
acute blood loss, but there are wounds to
account for it.
MINA
If
you can’t determine what's the matter
with her, we must send for someone who
can.
SEWARD
The
best man I can think of is Doctor
Abraham Van Helsing, a Dutch specialist
in
rare diseases of the blood.
MINA
Then
send for him at once!
SEWARD
I
don't need to send for him. He's in
town,
and he's coming to dine with me this
evening.
MINA
I
pray he can help Miss Westenra. There's
something dreadfully wrong with her.
Lucy moans sensuously in her sleep.
INT.
FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM --
EVENING
Dr.
Seward and Mina welcome DR. ABRAHAM VAN HELSING. Van Helsing is a very distinguished, very proper man with a
middle-European accent.
VAN
HELSING
Of
course, I am willing to serve as a
consultant, for my customary fee.
MINA
Doctor,
I will pay any expense for my dear
friend in her hour of need.
Jonathan
Harker rushes in through the front door, overhearing Mina's assurances to Van
Helsing.
HARKER
You'll
pay any expense! Why didn't you
call me sooner?
MINA
Jonathan!
Where have you been? It's
been
weeks since I've heard from you!
HARKER
Never
mind that. Who do you want me to
sue?
VAN
HELSING
The
patient needs a doctor, not a lawyer.
HARKER
I'll
be the judge of that. Unless you
want to
be sued for tortious interference with my
attorney/client relationship.
(turning to Mina)
Who's my client?
MINA
Lucy
Westenra is not your client; she is
Doctor Van Helsing's patient!
She’s very
sick. I'm sorry, Dr. Van Helsing.
This is my
fiancé, Jonathan Harker.
VAN
HELSING
If
he is your fiancé, I can understand why
you’re sorry.
HARKER
And
if you’re Lucy’s doctor, I can understand
why she’s sick.
VAN
HELSING
I cannot waste time with this upstart!
HARKER
Upstart!!!!
Van Helsing turns to Seward, ignoring Harker.
VAN HELSING
What’s
the matter with Miss Lucy? What
are
her symptoms?
SEWARD
She’s appears to be suffering from loss of
blood, but there's no sign of where the
blood could have gone.
VAN
HELSING
Take
me to her room, at once!
MINA
She’s
staying in the residential wing, away
from the inmates.
Mina leads them all to Lucy’s room.
INT. OUTSIDE LUCY'S BEDROOM -- EVENING
Van Helsing turns to Harker, Mina.
VAN
HELSING
I
will examine her alone!
HARKER
Okay,
if we hear any screams, Mina will
break the door down.
VAN
HELSING
What???
HARKER
Unless
it’s you screaming.
VAN
HELSING
Are
you impugning my ethics?
HARKER
Are
your ethics puny?
VAN
HELSING
You
insult me! I am a doctor!
HARKER
I
insult everyone! I am a
lawyer!
Van Helsing opens the door, and enters the room. The others wait in the hallway.
INT. LUCY’S BEDROOM -- EVENING
Van
Helsing opens the door wide and steps in to the bedroom.
He looks around suspiciously. Lucy
lies in bed, awake. She is weak,
but she doesn’t seem dangerously ill at the moment.
She wears a scarf around her neck. Without
looking behind him, Van Helsing
closes the door. We see that
Dracula has been hiding behind the door. Van
Helsing turns to Lucy.
LUCY
Who
are you?
VAN
HELSING
My
name is Dr. Abraham Van Helsing. If
you cooperate with me fully, I may save
you.
As they speak, Dracula sneaks into the closet and hides there.
VAN
HELSING
Please
take off that scarf and allow me to
examine your neck.
LUCY
I’d
rather not. It’s quite chilly in
here.
VAN
HELSING
I can look at your neck now,
or later.
I think we both know what
I will find. You've
had a visitor, haven't you? A visitor with
sharp teeth! If he is here, I will find him!
Van Helsing looks around the room again. He decides to search in the closet. As he burrows into the clothes in the right hand side of the closet, Dracula sneaks out of the left hand side. There is a large window in the bedroom, with curtains closed in front of it. Dracula creeps over to the window and hides in the right side of the curtains. Van Helsing finishes looking in the closet. He decides to look behind the curtains. As he looks behind the right hand side, Dracula sneaks out of the left hand side. He signals for Lucy to come over to him. She goes over to the left hand side of the curtains and gets into the spot where Dracula had been hiding. Van Helsing, stumbling behind the curtains, grabs her. She slaps Van Helsing, as Dracula goes back into the closet to hide. Van Helsing and Lucy emerge from the curtains.
VAN
HELSING
What
are you doing out of bed?
LUCY
I
wanted to close the windows. I told
you
I was chilly!
VAN
HELSING
Get
back into bed! I will secure the
windows.
Lucy goes back to bed. Van Helsing opens the curtains and closes the windows. He opens his medical bag and takes out a large piece of garlic. He uses a handkerchief to secure the garlic to the window. Van Helsing smiles smugly, and exits the bedroom.
INT.
OUTSIDE LUCY’S BEDROOM --
EVENING
Mina,
Seward, and Harker are waiting for Van Helsing. He joins them.
MINA
Can
you help her, doctor?
VAN
HELSING
I have just done much to help her greatly.
HARKER
You got out of her bedroom!
VAN
HELSING
With
the precautions I have taken, she should
be feeling much better by morning.
You were
fortunate you sent for me in time.
A NURSE comes down the hallway, and enters into Lucy’s room. As soon as she is inside, she SCREAMS. Van Helsing, Mina, Seward and Harker rush inside.
INT.
LUCY’S BEDROOM -- EVENING
Lucy is now very ill, much paler than she was a moment ago. In the last minute, she has lost most of her blood. She lies in her bed, unconscious. Van Helsing rips away her scarf, and sees the two tiny puncture marks he expected to find. As he touches them, Lucy's eyes spring open.
LUCY
Where
is Arthur?
SEWARD
She
means Arthur Renfield, Lord
Godalming. He's
an eccentric nobleman,
a patient here.
VAN
HELSING
An
aristocrat! Someone get him.
Quickly.
The Nurse exits.
LUCY
I
want to see Arthur!
VAN
HELSING
He
is coming. But you must rest.
You are
very weak.
LUCY
But
I feel wonderful.
Van
Helsing motions for Seward and Mina to join him away from Lucy's bed.
They cross to the other side of the room.
Harker follows. Van Helsing
whispers to Seward.
VAN
HELSING
(whispering)
Why
didn't you tell me about the wounds
on her neck?
SEWARD
(whispering)
But
she couldn't have lost much blood
through those tiny little puncture marks.
VAN
HELSING
(whispering)
She
not only could, but did. I know
precisely
what caused these puncture marks, and what
caused the loss of blood.
It was. . .
HARKER
(loudly)
A
vampire! I told you there would be
someone
I could sue!
SEWARD
Dr. Van Helsing!!!
MINA
No
one believes in vampires anymore!
VAN HELSING
I regret to say the lawyer is correct.
Vampires
do exist and one has bitten Miss
Lucy.
HARKER
And
I know who he is, too.
VAN
HELSING
And
how would you know that?
HARKER
I
sold him the estate next door. We'd
better
go there right now and kill him before he
gets away.
SEWARD
Kill
him? Isn't it a bit early to be
talking of
murder?
HARKER
You're
right. First I'll sue him, then
we'll kill
him.
VAN
HELSING
Please, Mr. Harker. I believe I am the expert
on vampires here. When it comes time to
identify the culprit, I will be the one to do it.
But
before
we do anything else, I must attend
to Miss Lucy.
The
Nurse enters with Renfield. Van
Helsing bows to him.
VAN
HELSING
Ah!
You must be Lord Godalming. It
is
always an honor to meet a member of the
English aristocracy.
Renfield coughs up feathers (indicated he has graduated from eating flies and spiders to eating birds.)
Lucy holds out her arms to Renfield.
LUCY
Arthur!
Come here
and make passionate
love to me!
Now!
Renfield
grins and jumps at the bed, but Van Helsing grabs hold of him.
VAN
HELSING
No!
Do not go to her, or you will be infected
with her unholy lust!
Renfield considers this for a second, then tries to break away from Van Helsing to get to Lucy.
VAN
HELSING
Stop! Look
at her! Look at her!
Is this
the sweet, innocent girl you promised to
marry?
Arthur
looks at Lucy, who is posing seductively on the bed. He enthusiastically shakes his head "no" and continues his
attempt to jump onto the bed.
VAN
HELSING
Trust
me, and I promise I will return to you
the pure, modest lady she was.
Renfield
tries to strangle Van Helsing. Seward
and Harker pry him off.
VAN
HELSING
I know you are overcome with love for this
sick girl, but you will see I am right.
If we
are to save her from becoming a vampire
we must give her a
transfusion at once.
LUCY
(smiling
with anticipation)
Blood?
VAN
HELSING
Yes.
We need a donor who is big, strong
and not afraid of the needle.
Van
Helsing opens his doctor's satchel and takes out a rubber tube with large
needles on each end. Harker and
Seward each gesture for the other to go ahead.
HARKER
After
you.
SEWARD
No,
after you.
HARKER
No,
after you!
Renfield
puffs out his chest, roles up his sleeves, takes a few deep breaths, steps
forward, and grabs Mina's arm and holds it out to Van Helsing.
MINA
Very
well! I will gladly give my blood
to
save my friend Lucy.
VAN
HELSING
Lie
next to her on the bed, and I will start
the transfusion.
Mina
lies next to Lucy. Van Helsing
stabs Mina in the arm with the needle on one end of the tube.
He waits for blood to fill the tube, then stabs the other end into Lucy's
arm. As soon as blood begins
flowing into Lucy's arm, her eyes close. Van
Helsing takes Lucy's pulse.
VAN
HELSING
Her
pulse is still weak. I wish there
were
some way to speed up the transfusion.
Renfield
sits down on Mina and bounces up and down.
He gestures for Harker and Seward to join him. They all sit on Mina, who howls in discomfort as the men
bounce on her. She grows noticeably
paler, as Lucy begins to look healthier.
VAN
HELSING
Enough!
We dare not take any more blood
from Miss Mina.
Harker and the others get off Mina.
HARKER
And
I thought the trip to Castle Dracula was
a bumpy ride!
Van
Helsing removes the needles from the women's arms. Seward helps him to bandage the arms.
VAN
HELSING
Next
we must prepare the room so the
vampire may not enter it again.
need garlic.
SEWARD
Garlic! You must be joking!
VAN HELSING
I never joke. There is a grim purpose in
everything I do!
Van
Helsing looks in his supplies buy can’t find the garlic he needs.
VAN HELSING
If
only I had more strings of garlic. I put
some
garlic on the window, but it must
not have been enough.
Renfield
reaches into his pocket and starts to pull out a long string of garlic.
He hands one end to Van Helsing, and then like a magician pulling out an
incredibly long string of silk handkerchiefs.
VAN
HELSING
Ah!
The aristocrat! They are always
prepared.
Renfield
pulls out a seemingly endless string of garlic and everyone else is soon
hopelessly tangled up in the garlic.
VAN
HELSING
Vampires
hate garlic.
Renfield
wraps the garlic string around Harker’s neck, nearly strangling him.
HARKER
I'm not to crazy about it myself.
Helsing covers the windows with garlic. He
also goes to the closet and puts garlic in there.
(Dracula is not in the closet.)
VAN
HELSING
With
all this garlic, there is no way the vampire
can get in!
HARKER
Yeah,
and there’s no way we can get out.
Harker
gets down on his knees and crawls over to Van Helsing’s medical bag.
He takes out a knife. Then
he crawls over to Renfield and severs the endless string of garlic at the point
where it’s coming out of Renfield’s pocket.
VAN
HELSING
Now
we must leave Miss Lucy to rest
and recover.
Van Helsing leads Harker, Mina, Renfield and Seward out of the room.
VAN
HELSING
She
is absolutely safe. There is no way
the
vampire may enter the room now.
Everyone
leaves, except for Lucy who remains in her bed. As soon as Van Helsing closes the door behind him, Dracula
crawls out from under Lucy's bed.
DRACULA
I
thought they'd never leave.
LUCY
Count
Dracula!
Lucy welcomes him with open arms.
INT. FOYER OF THE INSANE ASYLUM -- NIGHT
Mina is bidding goodnight to Van Helsing as he prepares to leave. Doctor Seward stands nearby with Harker.
MINA
Doctor,
do you think you can save her?
VAN
HELSING
I
am sure of it! I will stake my
reputation on
it! I will use all my
knowledge, every ounce
of my skill, to assure she will recover.
HARKER
And
she seemed like such a nice kid.
VAN
HELSING
Miss
Lucy’s life is in my hands.
SCREAM! The Nurse runs into the room!
NURSE
She’s
dead! Lucy’s dead!!!
VAN
HELSING
What???
They all rush back to Lucy’s bedroom.
INT. LUCY’S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Lucy’s
corpse, drained of blood, lies on her bed.
Van Helsing, Mina, the Nurse, Harker, Renfield and Dr. Seward look down
on her sadly.
SEWARD
The
poor, lovely girl.
MINA
She
was an angel.
VAN
HELSING
She
touched us all.
DRACULA
Especially
me.
Dracula has joined them.
HARKER
It’s
him! The vampire!
Van
Helsing takes a skeptical look at Dracula.
VAN
HELSING
I
don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.
DRACULA
That’s
too bad, a man your age!. But I know
some girls who
can help you out.
VAN
HELSING
I
mean, I haven’t had the pleasure of being
introduced to you.
HARKER
I’ll
fix that. Helsing, this is
Dracula, the
evil vampire who killed Lucy.
Dracula,
this is Helsing, the idiot doctor who helped
you to kill Lucy.
DRACULA
Hey, you look familiar. Are you related to
Leon the werewolf? What about Feydor the
zombie?
VAN
HELSING
Mr. Harker claims that you are a vampire.
DRACULA
Don’t
listen to him. He’s just mad
because
I tried to kill him.
SEWARD
Professor Van Helsing, I've tried to trust you,
but really... as a professor... as a man of science...
surely you can't really believe in vampires!
VAN HELSING
A vampire's greatest strength is that people
will not believe.
DRACULA
You're crazy!
VAN HELSING
Crazy, am I? What do you think is the greatest
strength of a vampire?
DRACULA
Fangs. You ever see a vampire without teeth
trying to gum open somebody's throat? It's
pretty sad.
MINA
Dr. Seward, is this man a patient of yours?
DRACULA
No, I just came to see my good friend, Renfield!
HARKER
Friend???? You
just killed his fiancée!
DRACULA
He’s
my pal. I don’t ask him what he
eats,
and he doesn’t ask me what I eat. Well,
I’m going home now. Don’t worry
about
Lucy. She’ll be fine.
MINA
But
she’s dead!!!
DRACULA
Hey, don't be a bigot.
Dracula exits.
HARKER
You’re
letting him get away!
VAN
HELSING
That
wasn’t our enemy. Our foe is
an insidiously
clever fiend. The man who
just left is obviously
an imbecile!
HARKER
Obviously.
And yet, he’s able to outsmart
you.
How do you figure that?
MINA
Why
did he say that Lucy would be fine?
VAN
HELSING
Perhaps
he knew that I could save her.
MINA
You
mean you can restore her to life?
VAN
HELSING
No,
but I can give her true death. Unless
I act now, she will rise again, and become
a vampire herself.
I will need a wooden stake
and a hammer.
Renfield takes a wooden stake and a huge sledgehammer out of his coat and hands them to Van Helsing.
VAN
HELSING
The
aristocrat comes through again! Now
we will hammer the stake through her heart.
MINA
No!
You can’t mean it!
Horrified,
Renfield tries to take back the stake and the hammer, but Van Helsing holds on
tight.
VAN
HELSING
It
is the only way to save Miss Lucy!
Van
Helsing walks over to Lucy’s corpse and places the stake over her heart.
He hands the giant sledgehammer to Renfield.
VAN
HELSING
Lord Godalming, you are Miss Lucy’s fiancé.
It
is your place to do what must be done.
Take this hammer and do what you know is
right.
Strike hard, and strike true!
Renfield
takes the hammer and smashes Van Helsing on top of his head.
Van Helsing falls unconscious. Harker
shakes Renfield’s hand.
HARKER
The
aristocrat comes through again!
FADE TO:
INT.
A ROOM IN THE INSANE ASYLUM --
DAY
Van
Helsing is lying in bed, his head bandaged.
His eyes pop open and he sits up. Dr.
Seward is in the room with him.
VAN
HELSING
What
happened? Did the vampire
attack
me?
SEWARD
No.
I’m afraid Lord Godalming hit you.
I’m
sure it was an accident. We’ve
locked him
up for your protection, and I have the only
key, right in my ….
Dr.
Seward pats the pocket where he thinks he has the key, but he doesn’t feel the
key in his pocket. He searches the
pocket. Renfield hands him the key.
SEWARD
Thanks.
Renfield gives Seward a “don’t mention it” gesture and exits.
SEWARD
I wish I knew how he does that.
Van Helsing suddenly remembers what he was about to do when he was knocked unconscious.
VAN
HELSING
Miss
Lucy! Did you put the stake through
her heart?
SEWARD
No.
We didn’t see the point. We
entombed
her in her family vault.
VAN
HELSING
When?
SEWARD
Three
days ago. You’ve been unconscious
for four days.
VAN
HELSING
You
read newspapers, don’t you? Have
there been any unusual incidents at night?
SEWARD
Unusual?
No. Not really.
Just some reports
of children being bitten on the neck by a
beautiful,
pale young woman, dressed in a
white nightgown. The children call her the
Bloofer
Lady.
VAN
HELSING
It
is as I feared! It is Miss Lucy!
We must
go tonight where the attacks have occurred!
I will show you proof of what we need to
do!
EXT. CEMETERY -- NIGHT
Van Helsing,
carrying a lantern, leads Harker, Seward and Renfield through the cemetery to
the entrance of the Westenra Family Vault. Van Helsing picks the lock on
the door to the Westenra Family Vault.
INT.
WESTENRA FAMILY VAULT --
NIGHT
Van Helsing enters the vault, followed by Harker Seward and Renfield. He leads them to the stone tomb where Lucy's body should be.
VAN HELSING
This is where you entombed Miss Lucy, is it
not?
Van Helsing pries off the lid of Lucy's stone tomb. Inside, her resting place is empty except for a large sign that reads "OUT TO LUNCH."
SEWARD
Where is she?
VAN HELSING
Come! I think I know where to find her!
EXT. A PUBLIC PARK -- NIGHT
Van Helsing, Harker, Seward and Renfield walk through a park, looking for the Bloofer Lady.
VAN
HELSING
This
is the area where all the attacks
occurred.
They spot a BOY NERD and a GIRL NERD. Van Helsing decides to question them. The Nerds are teenagers.
VAN
HELSING
Excuse
me, have you seen a beautiful woman,
pale woman dressed in white, with sharp
teeth?
BOY
NERD
You
mean the Bloofer Lady?
GIRL
NERD
We’re
here first. Wait your turn!
VAN
HELSING
Turn?
GIRL
NERD
To
get bit.
VAN
HELSING
I
don’t want to be bitten.
BOY
NERD
Then
why you looking for the Bloofer Lady?
VAN
HELSING
To
stop her from preying on innocent little
children.
GIRL
NERD
You
see any innocent little children here?
Renfield takes a giant lollypop out of his coat, and licks it. Renfield looks like an innocent child.
BOY
NERD
(pointing at Van Helsing)
He thinks innocent little children are going to
hang around here after dark!
What kind
of an idiot is he?
Renfield
whistles and raises his hand, volunteering to answer the question.
HARKER
My
client refuses to answer that question on the
grounds that the answer is privileged,
confidential
and proof he’s an idiot.
VAN
HELSING
(to Harker)
I
am not your client!
HARKER
That’s
more proof you’re an idiot.
VAN
HELSING
(to the Nerds)
But
the newspapers said….
BOY
NERD
Newspapers!!!
GIRL
NERD
You
believe the newspapers? The only
innocent child around here is you!
Renfield
hands Van Helsing his lollypop. Van
Helsing takes it without noticing what he is taking.
VAN
HELSING
I
am more knowledgeable than you think
I am.
HARKER
That’s not saying much.
VAN
HELSING
The
Bloofer Lady in not what you believe
she is!
GIRL
NERD
What???
She’s not a vampire????
VAN
HELSING
Well,
yes, she is a vampire. I did not
think
you knew that.
BOY
NERD
Why?
You think everyone’s as dumb as
you?
Renfield
grabs his lollypop back, angry to hear that Van Helsing thinks everyone is as
dumb as he is.
GIRL
NERD
Why
do you think we’re out here? We
want
her to bite us.
VAN
HELSING
You
want to be vampires??? Why?
BOY
NERD
Not
necessarily full vampires. But if
she
just bites you a little, you get a little vampire-ish.
VAN
HELSING
But
why would you want to be even a little
vampire-ish?
BOY
NERD
Look
at us! We’re losers!
No one likes
us.
VAN
HELSING
I’m
sure your friend here likes you.
GIRL
NERD
No.
Not really. Sorry.
BOY
NERD
That’s
all right. I don’t like you much
either.
VAN
HELSING
But
a vampire is a thing of horror!
BOY
NERD
Being
a loser teenager is a thing of horror!!!
HARKER
Listen,
kids, it’s not so bad. Neither
of
you is anywhere near as big a loser as
Helsing here.
BOY
NERD
I
guess that’s true.
GIRL
NERD
You’ve
got a point.
SEWARD
I
don’t believe in vampires!
Suddenly
Lucy appears and bites both Nerds on their necks. First she samples the blood of the Boy Nerd, then of the Girl
Nerd. They morph into much cooler
kids. They stare at each other with
new respect.
BOY
NERD
Hey, look
at you!
GIRL
NERD
You
think?
They walk off, hand in hand.
VAN
HELSING
It
is the vampire! We must destroy her
body to save her immortal soul.
LUCY
Wouldn’t
you rather destroy my soul to
save my immoral body?
VAN
HELSING
You
see! She is undead.
LUCY
Yes.
I’m undead. I’m less
dead than all
of you put together.
Renfield
hops into her arms.
LUCY
Maybe
not less dead than Renfield here. I
never appreciated how full of life Lord
Godalming is.
She
prepares to bite Renfield in the neck, but Van Helsing pulls a large piece of
garlic out of his pocket and brandishes it at Lucy, who drops Renfield.
She back away hissing.
LUCY
Garlic!
You will regret this, Van Helsing.
She
turns into a bat and flies away.
SEWARD
Where
is she going?
HARKER
Probably
to team up with Count Dracula.
VAN
HELSING
Count???
Did you say Count Dracula?
HARKER
Yeah.
Count Dracula, the vampire you
didn’t think was a vampire!
VAN
HELSING
But
you never said he was a Count!
I
thought he was riff raff. But
he is noble, like
our friend Lord Godalming!
You know
what this means?
Lord
Godalming makes a grotesque face.
HARKER
Too
much royal inbreeding?
VAN
HELSING
Count
Dracula may look talk an idiot; he
may act like an idiot, but don’t let that
fool
you. He really is a nobleman and a genius!
An evil genius. We must find him before
he strikes again!
INT.
MINA’S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Dracula
enters Mina's bedroom, where she is getting ready for bed.
MINA
Get out of here! You get out of my bedroom
at once!
DRACULA
Take it easy.
Where is everyone?
MINA
If you must know, they went looking for
Lucy Westenra. Professor Van
Helsing
thinks she's
a vampire.
DRACULA
They don't have to go looking for a vampire.
They could have found one right here!
Dracula smiles at
her. His fangs are extended.
She shrieks and grabs a crucifix,
MINA|
Jonathan was
right! You are a monster!
Dracula cowers
and shield himself with his cape.
DRACULA
Why do you
want to call me names?
MINA
You're
evil!!!
DRACULA
I'm not such
a bad guy, if you get to know
me.
MINA
If you aren't
evil, why does it hurt you to
look upon the holy cross?
DRACULA
That cross means crucifixion! You
know
how painful
crucifixion is?
MINA
This
represents the suffering of God!
DRACULA
So maybe I
don't like to see God suffer.
All I
want is a little fun.
MINA
There's more
to life than having fun.
DRACULA
And there's
more to fun than having life.
Why
don't you let me show you?
MINA
No!
I don't want to die!
DRACULA
How do you
know you don't want it, if
you've never tried it? Come on, let
me just
have a little
bite.
MINA
No!
DRACULA
It's fun.
When's the last time you had some
fun?
You look like you can use some fun.
MINA
I do not need
any fun from you!
DRACULA
Why don't you
take a chance? If you
still think I'm no good, you can always
use the cross to make me go away.
MINA
But why
should I let you bite me?
DRACULA
To prove
you're right - to prove I'm
not fun!
You should let me bite you so you can prove
I'm not the most fun
you've ever had in your life.
Come on. All I want is a chance.
We'll
both
have a good time.
MINA
I'm sure you
will.
DRACULA
You bet I will. You know how much I
want to bite you, right now? Come
on,
I'm hungry for
you.
MINA
I think
you've used that line before.
DRACULA
Sure, and
I'll use it again. And each time I
mean it.
He gazes at her hypnotically.
MINA
I suppose I
could let you have one quick
bite, just to prove I won't like it.
Dracula slowly
goes to her and sinks his fangs into her neck. To Mina's surprise,
MINA
Oh! Oh my!
Stop!
Dracula stops.
DRACULA
What's the
matter?
MINA
That was not entirely unpleasant. But
I'm
not ready to
die.
DRACULA
Why not?
MINA
What if I
don't like death? Once I'm dead,
I'll have to
remain dead.
DRACULA
Okay, I'll
tell you what. I'll give you a
taste of what it's like to be me, but you
don't have to die. Here.
Dracula opens his
shirt. He uses his fingernail to
cut his flesh, so that he bleeds.