NIGHT IN TRANSYLVANIA
By Richard Nathan
FADE IN:
INT. SHADOWS -- NIGHT
JONATHAN HARKER, a cynical smart-ass with a greasepaint mustache, steps out of the shadows and addresses the audience.
HARKER
Prepare yourself for the most horrible
monster you've
ever seen. My name is
Jonathan Harker.
From off-screen comes the sound of a terrified
SCREAM.
HARKER
I'm a lawyer.
From off-screen comes another horrified SCREAM.
This is beginning to annoy Harker.
HARKER
A lawyer who sells real estate.
From off-screen comes a third horrified SCREAM.
HARKER
This is the story of my
encounter with
Count Dracula the vampire!
Harker waits for a scream, which never comes.
Finally Harker decides the only way to get a scream is to do it himself.
Harker SCREAMS.
INT.
LOBBY OF THE INN -- NIGHT
In the lobby of the Golden Krone
Inn, Harker is
speaking to the INN KEEPER. An OLD
WOMAN (the Inn Keeper's wife) sits nearby. Harker carries
his suitcase, preparing to leave. The
Inn Keeper speaks with a heavy Eastern European accent.
HARKER
What do I owe you?
INNKEEPER
Our rates are thirty kopeks a night.
HARKER
When can I check out?
INN KEEPER
Whenever you'd like!
HARKER
How about the day before yesterday?
OLD WOMAN
But you only arrived last night!
HARKER
Then that's thirty kopecks you
owe me.
INN KEEPER
But. . . .
OLD WOMAN
But...
HARKER
Didn't you say I could check out whenever
I liked?
Are you going back on your word?
There
are laws against misrepresentation!
INN KEEPER
now! It's
Walpurgis Nacht!
HARKER
Walpurgis what?
INN KEEPER
Nacht! Nacht!
HARKER
Nacht, nacht? Who's
there?
INN KEEPER
Walpurgis Nacht.
HARKER
INN KEEPER
Walpurgis Nacht is the night when all evil
things in the
world will have full sway!
HARKER
That's probably the worst knock knock
joke I've ever
heard. Anyway, I've got to
leave tonight. Count Dracula is sending
someone to pick me up.
OLD WOMAN
Count Dracula!!!
The old woman spits.
HARKER
You know him?
OLD WOMAN
That nudnik, that gonif, that shnorrer!
Such a
momzer he was! Oy.
HARKER
I just love quaint Transylvanian idioms,
and you two certainly are a couple of
idioms.
INN KEEPER
What business do you have with Dracula?
HARKER
I sell real estate, and Count Dracula wants
to buy a
miserable, falling-down wreck next
to a lunatic asylum.
I had to come all the
way out here to Transylvania to unload that
property.
OLD WOMAN
So you're going to sell him a crummy piece
of real
estate?
HARKER
Exactly.
OLD LADY
Okay, whatever you do to each other, you
both deserve
it.
Suddenly DRACULA barges in, wearing an obviously fake
beard.
HARKER
Who are you?
Everyone stares at Dracula, who answers in a
phony-sounding Italian accent.
DRACULA
This isn't a fake beard!
HARKER
Pleased to meet you. This isn't a fake
mustache!
DRACULA
I'm here to pick up Jonathan Harker.
HARKER
I'm Jonathan Harker. Who are you?
DRACULA
I'm the guy that's here to pick you up.
I'm Count Dracula's - what do you call it -
his henchman!
Harker looks out the window to the front of the
inn.
HARKER
Where's your coach?
DRACULA
Back at the Castle.
HARKER
Then how are you going to take me back to
the Castle?
DRACULA
It's like I said.
I'm here to pick up Jonathan
Harker.
Dracula literally picks up Harker and carries him out
of the Inn.
EXT. TRANSYLVANIAN
COUNTRYSIDE --
NIGHT
The film is sped up as Dracula carries Harker over
the Transylvanian countryside.
EXT. IN
FRONT OF CASTLE DRACULA --
NIGHT
Dracula and Harker arrive at the entrance to Castle Dracula. Dracula puts Harker down.
DRACULA
Wait here, and I'll let you in.
I mean,
Count Dracula will let you in.
Dracula runs off.
A moment letter, he opens the front door. He has taken off the fake beard and holds it in one hand.
DRACULA
Good evening. I'm
Count Dracula.
Harker looks down at the fake beard in Dracula’s
hand. Dracula notices.
He throws the beard out into the night.
DRACULA
I was just putting out the cat.
Come in!
They enter the Castle.
INT. CASTLE
DRACULA -- NIGHT
Harker and Dracula enter the Castle.
HARKER
So, you're Count Dracula?
DRACULA
That's right.
HARKER
Funny, that doesn't sound like a Transylvanian
accent.
DRACULA
Yeah. I
study the English pretty good.
When I get to England, I don't want to
sound like a foreigner.
From outside comes the HOWL OF WOLVES.
DRACULA
Listen to those guys. The children of the
night! That's some music they make!
HARKER
Children of the night??? That's what you
call the wolves???
DRACULA
No. That's
what I call the gypsy kids out
back. They
got a garage band. The
Children Of
The Night!
BAD GUITAR PLAYING and DRUMMING is heard with the
HOWLING.
DRACULA
You hungry?
HARKER
I could do with a bite.
Harker and Dracula each give the other a wary look.
They decide to let the straight line drop.
DRACULA takes Harker over to a table where dinner is placed.
DRACULA
I got your supper prepared - chicken
paprika, asparagus and cannolis.
Harker sits at the table and starts to eat.
He offers to share the food with his host.
HARKER
This looks wonderful. What about you?
Would
you like some of this?
DRACULA
I never eat . . .
chicken paprika!
HARKER
Oh. Some
vegetables, maybe?
DRACULA
I never eat . . .
asparagus.
HARKER
How about the cannolis?
Suddenly, with incredible speed, Dracula gobbles up
all the cannolis. Harker is shocked.
DRACULA
Everybody eats cannolis!
HARKER
If the Italian Anti-Defamation League
complains about
this - you're on your own.
DRACULA
That's okay. I'm
from Transylvania.
HARKER
Really?
DRACULA
Sure. I
come from a long line of Transylvanian
warriors.
Tough fighters. My parents
fought all the time. My mother
liked to
invade the Ottoman Empire.
HARKER
Let me tell you about the property I've
picked out
for you. You know the three
most important things about property, don't
you?
DRACULA
No.
HARKER
The three most important things are location,
location, location.
DRACULA
You forgot another important thing!
--
What's the address?
HARKER
All right, the four most important things
are location, location, location and what's
the address. This property is conveniently
located right next to an insane
asylum.
DRACULA
That's good, huh?
HARKER
Sure, it cuts down on your commute.
DRACULA
Is the house old?
I like old houses.
HARKER
Your house is so old, its got antique dust.
DRACULA
That's nice. I
like old houses because I
come from an old family.
My family goes
way, way back.
HARKER
Really?
DRACULA
Sure. Before
me was my father. And
before him
was his father. And before him
was
his father. That was my great
grandfather.
Before
my great
grandfather was his father.
And before him was his father.
HARKER
How much fa'ther can this go?
DRACULA
I could go on with this all night.
Now who
do you think was before my father's father's
father's father's
father?
HARKER
Let me take a wild guess. Was it your
father's father's father's father's father's
father?
DRACULA
You've been studying my family tree!
HARKER
When did your family come out of the trees?
DRACULA
I don't know for sure, but I think it was
somebody's
father.
HARKER
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle.
DRACULA
Maybe we're related.
HARKER
If we are, I'll slit my throat.
DRACULA
That's dangerous in these parts.
HARKER
I should have gone somewhere where
slitting my throat
was safe!
Harker touches his throat, and notices he has quite a bit of stubble.
HARKER
Speaking of which, I think I might need
a shave. Let me take a look. Fortunately,
I always carry a little pocket mirror.
Harker reaches into a pocket and takes out a pocket mirror. He turns away from Dracula, so that Dracula is directly behind him, and then looks in the mirror. He notices that Dracula does not cast a reflection in the mirror. He looks at Dracula and then looks in the mirror again.
HARKER
Say, how is it that you don't cast a reflection
in this mirror?
DRACULA
You must have got a bad mirror. They make a
lot of cheap stuff these days. Where'd you get
it?
HARKER
Back in England.
DRACULA
There's the problem. I never been to England.
Are you upset you can't see my face?
HARKER
No, that's the first nice thing that's happened to me
all day!
DRACULA
That reminds me, you got any family or
friends back
in England who know where
you are?
HARKER
There's my fiancée, Mina Murray.
DRACULA
Fiancée? You
think she'd notice if you
didn't come back?
HARKER
Maybe not right away. But after five or six
years, I think she might notice.
DRACULA
Oh. So
she's the sensitive type?
HARKER
She's a wealthy, sophisticated, wealthy,
cultured, wealthy widow who owns the
insane asylum next to your new property.
DRACULA
You say she's wealthy?
HARKER
Don't get any ideas. She's my fiancée.
DRACULA
You should send her a letter, so she won't
worry. You write, and I'll tell you what to
say.
Dracula gives Harker a pen and some stationary.
DRACULA
(dictating)
Dear
Mina, How are you? I am fine.
I
like Transylvania, and think I'll stay awhile.
Don't worry about me. I
haven't been killed
by Count Dracula, who isn't a vampire no
matter what anybody
says. Love, Jonathan
Harker.
Jonathan
finishes writing as Dracula smiles proudly.
Dracula grabs the letter away, and gives Harker an envelope.
DRACULA
Now
address the envelope. That should
put her mind at rest.
Harker writes the address on the envelope.
HARKER
It
should put her mind in a coma.
Dracula reaches for the envelope, but Harker pulls it away.
DRACULA
It's
just so she won't worry. I don't
want
anyone to worry. Lots a people
around
here worry about vampires. You
know
what a vampire is?
HARKER
A
big pain in the neck?
DRACULA
They
don’t always bite you in the neck.
But
a neck is good because it’s easy to
find a vein there.
It’s especially easy if you
use hypnosis.
HARKER
Is
that because a Trance’ll-Vein-Ya?
DRACULA
You’re
a pretty smart guy for a lawyer.
Now,
I got to go get things ready for my
trip. You stay in this room. Whatever you
do, don't go out or you're in big trouble.
Trust
me on this.
HARKER
Why
should I trust you?
DRACULA
Have
I ever told you the truth about
anything?
HARKER
No.
DRACULA
Well,
there's a first time for everything.
Dracula takes the envelope and leaves the room. A moment later, Harker leaves the room.
INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN CASTLE DRACULA -- NIGHT
Harker enters, and meets the 1ST VAMPIRE WOMAN. She's extremely beautiful and sexy, in an undead sort of way.
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Look
who's here!
HARKER
If
you're Count Dracula in another disguise,
I'm going to be very disappointed.
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I've
never disappointed a man.
HARKER
Never
in your life?
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
Who
said anything about life?
Enter the 2ND VAMPIRE WOMAN and the 3RD VAMPIRE WOMAN, both beautiful and sexy.
2ND
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
He's
so young and so red-blooded.
3RD
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I
want him now.
1ST
VAMPIRE
WOMAN
I
saw him first.
2ND
VAMPIRE