“The Importance of Being Jack”
By Richard Nathan
Lights come up on a street in Whitechapel in 1888.
JACK WORTHING, also known as “Jack the Ripper” is wandering through the
streets. He is barking mad.
His friend, ALGERNON MONCRIEFF enters and spots Jack.
ALGERNON
Earnest! Earnest Worthing!
I heard
you’d been seen here in Whitechapel!
What have you been doing with yourself?
Or should I say, what have you been
paying the whores to do to yourself?
JACK
I ate whores!
ALGERNON
You hate whores? How very
intolerant
of you.
JACK
I didn’t say I hate whores.
I said I ate
whores. I ate a whore’s
kidney. I fried
it and ate it and it was very nice.
ALGERNON
You don’t say! Doesn’t sound
like my
sort of thing. I prefer a
nice cucumber
sandwich.
JACK
I prefer whores’ kidneys.
ALGERNON
So you said. Does it taste
like chicken?
JACK
No! It doesn’t take like
chicken! It tastes
like whore! If it tasted
like chicken, I’d
eat a ruddy chicken, wouldn’t I?
ALGERNON
I’ve been meaning to ask you, did you
leave a leather handbag in my rooms in
Half Moon Street?
JACK
You have my bag? Give it to
me!
ALGERNON
Was that your bag? It was
engraved
with the initials “J.W.”
JACK
That’s me! Jack Worthing!
ALGERNON
But your name is Earnest.
JACK
It’s Earnest in the nice parts of London.
But it’s Jack here in Whitechapel!
Saucy
Jack!
ALGERNON
Saucy? I assume the sauce is
to complement
the flavor of the whores’ kidneys.
JACK
Where is the bag? Give me my
bag!
ALGERNON
I fear that may prove difficult.
I pawned it.
JACK
You pawned it? Why?
ALGERNON
For the money.
JACK
Why did you pawn my bag? Why
didn’t you
pawn your own things?
ALGERNON
Because they are my things.
Really, Earnest,
you seem very obtuse this evening.
JACK
There is something in that bag I need.
ALGERNON
And what would that be? A
collection of
whores’ kidney sauces?
JACK
Never you mind! Something I
need for my
funny little games. Just get
me my bag and
its contents, or you’ll be sorry!
Algernon notices someone off stage.
ALGERNON
My word! Can that be your
ward Cecily
and my cousin Gewndolen?
What can they
be doing in Whitechapel?
Enter CECILY and GWENDOLEN.
ALGERNON
Cecily! Gewndolen!
What are you
doing here!
GWENDOLEN
We have come to learn the business,
Cousin.
ALGERNON
What business? You’re not
thinking
of becoming whores, are you?
JACK
Whores!!! Did you say
whores? Where
is my handbag?
CECILY
Heavens no!
GWENDOLEN
How could you think such a thing!
ALGERNON
I’m glad to hear you still maintain
some pretenses of morality.
GWENDOLEN
Morality has nothing to do with it.
It is a matter of privilege.
CECILY
Whoring involves strenuous physical
activity. We never engage in
strenuous
physical activity in exchange for payment.
That is what the lower orders are for.
GWENDOLEN
Exactly. We did not come to
Whitechapel
to learn to be whores, but to learn to be
bawds.
CECILY
Madams.
GWENDOLEN
Procurers of the flesh.
JACK
What about kidneys?
CECILY
Our only physical activity is counting
the money.
GWENDOLEN
And spending it.
ALGERNON
But Cecily, dearest, you have led me to
believe that if I gave you sufficient costly
tokens of my affection, someday you
would….
CECILY
Yes?
ALGERNON
You would reciprocate by engaging in a
certain strenuous physical activity with me.
CECILY
Yes.
ALGERNON
Well, doesn’t that contradict your
avowal that you would never engage
in strenuous activity for payment?
CECILY
Of course not! Leading you
to believe I
might do something does not require any
strenuous activity at all!
JACK
How many whores do you have working
for you?
GWENDOLEN
We had seven in our employ, but I regret
to say that six of them have been murdered.
CECILY
In a manner utterly lacking in civility and
decorum.
GWENDOLEN
And now our only remaining employee is
Miss Prism.
ALGERNON
Miss Prism! Isn’t she a
sixty year old woman?
GWENDOLEN
Yes, but she whores with the spirit of two sixty
year old women!
CECILY
I do wish we could pay her a bonus to
show our appreciation.
GWENDOLEN
But then there would be less money for us!
ALGERNON
Who is teaching you to be madams?
Is it
a whore?
CECILY
Certainly not!
GWENDOLEN
It is my mother, Lady Bracknell!
And here
she is now!
Enter LADY BRACKNELL, wearing a cloak.
Jack is cowed in her presence.
He seems almost sane.
LADY BRACKNELL
Mr. Worthing! I have a few
questions to
put to you!
JACK
Yes, Lady Bracknell?
LADY BRACKNELL
Tell me what you are doing in the
dregs of Whitechapel.
JACK
I seem… I seem to have lost my way… and
maybe my sanity.
LADY BRACKNELL
To lose one’s way may be
regarded as a
misfortune. To lose one’s
sanity seems
like carelessness.
JACK
Yes, Lady Bracknell.
LADY BRACKNELL
Mr. Worthing, did you or did you not
leave a certain handbag at my nephew’s
lodgings, a handbag which he proceeded
to pawn?
JACK
Do you have it? Do you have
my
handbag?
LADY BRACKNELL
Not only do I have your handbag.
I
have its contents.
JACK
Then please give it to me!
LADY BRACKNELL
Mr. Worthing, I fear you have been
behaving quite unlike a gentleman.
JACK
Let me have it! Let me have
it now!!!
Lady Bracknell takes a long knife out of her cloak and plunges it into Jack.
He dies.
LADY BRACKNELL
I am sorry Mr. Worthing, but I cannot
allow you to continue to your “little games”
as you have called them. It
is most
disadvantageous to my business.
ALGERNON
Aunt Agatha! Why did you
stab him?
LADY BRACKNELL
Because, Algernon, I have
realized the
vital importance of killing Jack the Ripper.
Blackout!
© 2008 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
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