The Princess Who Never Farted by

The Princess Who Never Farted

by Richard Nathan

Lights come up on a STORYTELLER reading a story out of a book.

STORYTELLER

                                    Once upon a time, in the magical kingdom
                                    of Fuddle-Don-Dell, there lived a beautiful
                                    Princess named Philissima Lee.

Enter the PRINCESS who smiles at the audience.

STORYTELLER

                                    Princess Philissima was the most
                                    beautiful Princess anyone in Fuddel-
                                    Don-Dell had ever seen. Her parents the
                                    King and Queen were very proud of
                                    her.

Enter the KING AND QUEEN.

                                                            KING
                                    We are very proud of Princess
                                    Philissima Lee.

QUEEN
Yes, we are.

                                                            STORYTELLER
                                    There was just one thing that
                                    concerned them about the
                                    beautiful Princess. As far as they
                                    could tell, Princess Philissima Lee
                                    had never, ever farted.

KING

It’s not natural!

                                                            STORYTELLER
                                    … said the King. He tried everything
                                    to get his daughter to fart. He fed her
                                    baked beans, and chickpeas, and extra
                                    cheesy burritos, and radishes and cabbage,
                                    but nothing could make the Princess
                                    fart.

QUEEN
Maybe she farts when she’s alone.

                                                            STORYTELLER
                                    … said the Queen. But the King pointed
                                    out the Princess was always surrounded
                                    by her ladies in waiting, who all swore that
                                    she had never, ever farted.

                                                            KING
                                    I will give my daughter’s hand in marriage
                                    to anyone who can make her fart.

STORYTELLER
…. proclaimed the King.

                                                            KING
                                    Whoever finds a way to make the
                                    Princess fart will be given her royal
                                    hand in marriage, but anyone who
                                    attempts to make her fart and fails -
                                    will have his head cut off.

                                                            STORYTELLER
                                    All the Princess in all the neighboring
                                    lands were afraid to try to make the
                                    Princess fart, because they knew their
                                    heads would be cut off if they failed,
                                    but brave Prince Strong-And-Bold,
                                    the handsomest Prince in all the world,
                                    decided to give it a try.

Enter the PRINCE.

PRINCE
I know what to do.

                                                            STORYTELLER
                                    The Prince knew a mighty sorcerer,
                                    who knew more magic than anyone
                                    who ever lived. So the Prince rode to
                                    cave where the evil sorcerer dwelled.

The Prince crosses to the other side of the stage.

PRINCE
Come out of your cave, evil sorcerer!

Enter the EVIL SORCERER.

SORCERER
Who summons me from my cave?

                                                            PRINCE
                                    It is I, Prince Strong-And-Bold! I
                                    have heard you know the secrets
                                    of many magic potions.

SORCERER
I do.

                                                            PRINCE
                                    Then you must give me a potion to
                                    make Princess Philissima Lee fart.

SORCERER
Never!

                                                            PRINCE
                                    Give it to me, or I will hit you very,
                                    very hard!

SORCERER
Oh, all right.

The Sorcerer gives the Prince a magic potion.

                                                            STORYTELLER
                                    The sorcerer prepared the mightiest fart-
                                    inducing magic potion the world had ever
                                    known, and he gave it to the Prince,
                                    who took it and rode back to the castle where
                                    Princess Philissima Lee lived.

The Prince crosses the stage and gives the potion to the Princess who drinks it.

                                                            STORYTELLER
                                    And he gave her the magic potion, but still
                                    she would not fart!

                                                            PRINCE
                                    I don’t get it. This is the mightiest fart-
                                    inducing potion in all the world. Why
                                    didn’t it work?

                                                            PRINCESS
                                    Because I’m a fairy tale princess, okay!
                                    And fairy tale princesses don’t fart!

PRINCE

Oh!

The Prince goes to talk to the King.

                                                            PRINCE
                                    She won’t fart because she’s a fairy tale
                                    princess. Fairy tale princesses don’t fart.

STORYTELLER
So the King had the Prince’s head cut off.

And the Princess lived fartlessly ever after.

The End.

BLACKOUT.

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.

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