THE CASE OF RICOLETTI OF THE
CLUB FOOT
AND HIS ABOMINABLE WIFE
by Richard
Nathan
Lights come up on SHERLOCK HOLMES and DR. WATSON in their parlor located at
221-B Baker Street. Watson looks at
a space on the “fourth wall” (i.e., out toward the audience), then looks at
Holmes, then looks at the space on the wall, shaking his head sadly.
I may not think as highly of the unfairer
sex as you do, Watson, but I always thought
your late wife was a fine human being.
How did you….
It wasn’t hard to tell what you were
thinking when you looked at that
photo of your late wife, then frowned
at me with that disapproving air,
and then gazed at the photo again.
I
do sympathize with your loss, Watson.
I honestly do.
WATSON
But you admit you don’t think highly
of women, as a rule.
True, but your wife was an exception to
that rule.
Why are you such a misogynist, Holmes?
Experience, Watson.
Experiences such
as the case of Ricoletti of the club foot
and his abominable wife.
I seem to recall you mentioned that case
once before. It was one of
your earliest,
wasn’t it?
Indeed it was. I had just
begun my
practice as a consulting detective, when
Ricoletti came to my door.
Come in.
Mr. Sherlock Holmes? I have a
heard you
have remarkable powers of observation and
deduction. What can you
deduce about me?
HOLMES
You own a printing press.
You run a
successful business, but you are unsatisfied
with
your workers.
RICOLETTI
How did you
know that?
HOLMES
You have small amounts of ink on the tips of
each of your ten fingers.
Most men with
ink on their hands would only have it on one
or two fingers, from writing with a pen, but a
man
with ink on all ten fingers must work with a
with a printing press, probably as a typesetter.
You dress too well to be a mere typesetter, so
I deduce that you own the press - but you have
been taking over the work that should be done by
|
your employees - hence the dissatisfaction.
RICOLETTI
Very good, Mr. Holmes, but there are two
things about me that you did not observe!
HOLMES
And what would those be?
First, I have a club foot!
HOLMES
Yes, you do.
RICOLETTI
Ha! It is easy to see after
I point it out
to you! And second, I have
an abominable
wife!
HOLMES
How unfortunate for you.
RICOLETTI
This is why I came to see you.
I have
heard you help out unfortunate people.
I am the most unfortunate man in all of
London.
HOLMES
How so?
RICOLETTI
I just told you! I have a
club foot and an
abominable wife! Weren’t you
listening to
me?
HOLMES
I fail to see what I can do about either
situation.
RICOLETTI
You could kill her. I would
pay you a
great deal of money.
HOLMES
My dear Mr. ….
RICOLETTI
Ricoletti.
HOLMES
My dear Mr. Ricoletti. I am
a detective. I
solve crimes. I don’t commit
them.
RICOLETTI
If you knew my wife, you would make an
exception.
HOLMES
That seems highly improbable.
RICOLETTI
She is waiting outside in the hallway. Let
me bring her in!
HOLMES
Mr. Ricoletti!
Ricoletti rushes out to the hallway as quickly as his club foot and his cane
will allow, and a moment later he rushes back in with his beautiful young wife
ROSE.
ROSE
Mr. Holmes,
how do you do? I have
never had the pleasure of meeting a
detective before.
HOLMES
Oh. You’ve heard of my
practice?
ROSE
No, not a word. But I could
not help
noticing the many newspaper clippings
concerning criminal activities in London
that you have collected. You obviously
work
out of your home, so you cannot be
a policeman.
Therefore, you must be a
private detective.
HOLMES
Anything else?
ROSE
Yes, I also could not help but notice
the tobacco you smoke. I can
tell by
the odor in the room that it is one of
the less expensive brands. I
believe
that must mean your practice is not
doing well at the moment, though I
am certain it will improve in time.
How much would you be willing to pay
me for that job, Mr. Ricoletti?
RICOLETTI
A hundred pounds.
ROSE
Antonio! What can you want
Mr. Holmes
to do for you that I cannot do myself?
You know I would do anything for you!
HOLMES
Perhaps not anything.
ROSE
Anything that does not involve travel.
Antonio knows I hate to travel.
But
short of that, I would do anything for
him. I devote my life to
him.
RICOLETTI
It is true. She will not
leave me alone!
She follows me everywhere.
ROSE
Everywhere in London. As
long as
he stays in London, he will find me
by his side, sharing every moment of
his life with him.
HOLMES
Is that how you plan to drive him away?
ROSE
I wouldn’t dream of driving him away.
HOLMES
Then why keep reminding him that
you will not follow him out of London?
Furthermore, a woman as skilled as you
are at the art of observation must be aware
of the effect your presence is having on him.
The question
is - why are you so intent on
driving him away? I can only
assume you want
him to leave so that you may have access to his
printing press - most probably for a counterfeiting
scheme.
ROSE
Counterfeiting!
HOLMES
Indeed. Perhaps you noticed
that one of my
clippings has to do with the counterfeit pounds that
have been turning up in London lately.
No
doubt printed by your collaborators whenever
you manage to drive Mr. Ricoletti away from
his press!
ROSE
You have no proof of this absurd accusation.
HOLMES
Not now, but I am certain that if I were to
search your residence, I would find the plates
you use to commit your crimes.
Rose draws a gun from her purse.
ROSE
You know too much to live, Mr. Holmes.
Ricoletti uses his cane to knock the gun from her hand.
She drops the gun and Holmes retrieves it.
HOLMES
Thank you, Ricoletti.
Scotland Yard
will be happy to take your abominable wife
off your hands.
RICOLETTI
How can I ever repay you, Mr. Holmes?
HOLMES
Money would do nicely.
Apparently, I need to
start using a finer grade of tobacco.
Blackout.
THE END
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© 2008 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
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