THE MAN WHO GOT BAGHDAD HUSSEIN
By Richard Nathan
In a Western town, a debate is about to be held between two candidates for the office of Sheriff: TWO GUN BUSH and JOHN KERRY. The candidates stand at podiums. They are introduced by the EDITOR of the town paper.
EDITOR
Settle down, folks. Our debate’s about to start.
As editor of the Gunshot Gazette, it’s my job to
introduce the candidates for sheriff. This here is
Two Gun Bush. His pappy was once sheriff, a
few years back. And this is John Kerry, a lawyer
from back East. Mr. Kerry, you drew high card,
so you go first.
KERRY
Ladies and Gentlemen….
BUSH
Now hold on there, Kerry! Which is it, ladies or
gentlemen? You folks ain’t gonna vote for a sheriff
who can’t decide if you’re ladies or if you’re
gentlemen, are you?
KERRY
As I was saying, I’m running for sheriff because I
believe the West is becoming civilized, and civilized
times call for a civilized sheriff.
BUSH
Sounds like a lot of Massachusetts doubletalk to me.
KERRY
Will you stop interrupting me, you petulant little troglodyte?
BUSH
Whoa! More Massachusetts talk! Folks, what you
want to keep the peace is a for-real Texas cowboy,
not someone with all that back East schoolin’ and book-
learnin’!
KERRY
What are you talking about? You went to the same
Eastern school I did!
BUSH
Yeah, but I didn’t learn anything!
A frightened CITIZEN runs in.
CITIZEN
Men! Baghdad Hussein is drunk again! He’s threatening
to kill everyone at the saloon!
KERRY
I thought we’d taken away his guns.
CITIZEN
I don’t think he even has a gun.
BUSH
What are you talking about? Of course he’s got a gun!
Who ever heard of a bad guy without a gun?
KERRY
I suppose we’d better throw him in jail.
BUSH
Jail! Jail??? Let’s shoot him down like a dog! That’s
the only way to handle the bad guys.
KERRY
I don’t think it’s necessary to shoot down an unarmed
man.
BUSH
Sure it is. If you don’t shoot him now, he’ll probably
go get a gun, and the next thing you know, he’ll be
teaming up with those Apaches who burned down the
Trading Post. I say, kill him now!
KERRY
Baghdad Hussein isn’t an Apache!
BUSH
You hear that, folks? Kerry here thinks you can tell
Baghdad Hussein from the Apaches!
BAGHDAD HUSSEIN enters, drunk as a skunk.
HUSSEIN
Someone here calling me an Apache?
BUSH
Not me! I never said you were an Apache! Hey!
Look over there!
Bush points toward the other side of the stage, and when Hussein looks, Bush runs off stage. Hussein looks back and is surprised to see Bush isn’t there.
HUSSEIN
Where’d he go?
KERRY
Come on, Baghdad, I think you better spend the night
in jail and sleep this off.
HUSSEIN
Not going to jail!!!
KERRY
Come on, men. Let’s take him away.
A bunch of COWBOYS come up on stage and they all take hold of Hussein and start to pull him off stage. As they’re taking him off, Bush re-enters and shoots down the cowboys and Hussein! The cowboys and Hussein all fall dead.
BUSH
I got him! I gunned down Baghdad Hussein! I’m
a hero!
KERRY
You’re an idiot! You just killed a lot of innocent men!
BUSH
But I got Hussein too! I’m a hero! Isn’t that right, Mr.
Newspaper Editor?
EDITOR
That’s right, Two Gun. The headline of tomorrow’s edition
of the Gunshot Gazette is gonna say you’re the man who
got Baghdad Hussein!
KERRY
But that’s bullshit!
EDITOR
Right! But the first rule of the newspaper business is, when
the bullshit becomes the story, print the bullshit!
BUSH
Yippee yi yo kiay!
THE END
© 2004 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.
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