THE MAN WHO GOT BAGHDAD HUSSEIN

 

                                                                                        By Richard Nathan

 

 

In a Western town, a debate is about to be held between two candidates for the office of Sheriff:  TWO GUN BUSH and JOHN KERRY.  The candidates stand at podiums.  They are introduced by the EDITOR of the town paper.

 

                                                            EDITOR

                                    Settle down, folks.  Our debateís about to start. 

                                    As editor of the Gunshot Gazette, itís my job to

                                    introduce the candidates for sheriff.  This here is

                                    Two Gun Bush.   His pappy was once sheriff, a

                                    few years back.  And this is John Kerry, a lawyer

                                    from back East.  Mr. Kerry, you drew high card,

                                    so you go first.

 

                                                            KERRY

                                    Ladies and GentlemenÖ.

 

                                                            BUSH   

                                    Now hold on there, Kerry!  Which is it, ladies or        

                                    gentlemen?  You folks ainít gonna vote for a sheriff

                                    who canít decide if youíre ladies or if youíre 

                                    gentlemen, are you?

 

                                                        KERRY

                                    As I was saying, Iím running for sheriff because I    

                                    believe the West is becoming civilized, and civilized

                                    times call for a civilized sheriff.

 

                                                        BUSH

                                    Sounds like a lot of Massachusetts doubletalk to me.

 

                                                        KERRY

                                    Will you stop interrupting me, you petulant little troglodyte?

 

                                                        BUSH

                                    Whoa!  More Massachusetts talk!  Folks, what you  
                                    want to keep the peace is a for-real Texas cowboy, 
                                    not someone with all that back East schooliní and book-
                                    learniní!

 

                                                            KERRY
                                    What are you talking about?  You went to the same
                                    Eastern school I did!

 

                                                            BUSH

                                    Yeah, but I didnít learn anything!

 

A frightened CITIZEN runs in.

 

                                                            CITIZEN

                                    Men!  Baghdad Hussein is drunk again!   Heís threatening
                                    to kill everyone at the saloon!

 

                                                            KERRY
                                    I thought weíd taken away his guns.

 

                                                            CITIZEN
                                    I donít think he even has a gun.

 

                                                            BUSH

                                    What are you talking about?  Of course heís got a gun! 
                                    Who ever heard of a bad guy without a gun?

 

                                                            KERRY
                                    I suppose weíd better throw him in jail.

 

                                                            BUSH

                                    Jail!  Jail???  Letís shoot him down like a dog!  Thatís
                                    the only way to handle the bad guys.

 

                                                            KERRY
                                    I donít think itís necessary to shoot down an unarmed
                                    man.

 

                                                            BUSH
                                    Sure it is.  If you donít shoot him now, heíll probably 
                                    go get a gun, and the next thing you know, heíll be
                                    teaming up with those Apaches who burned down the
                                    Trading Post.  I say, kill him now!

 

                                                            KERRY
                                    Baghdad Hussein isnít an Apache!

 

                                                            BUSH
                                    You hear that, folks?  Kerry here thinks you can tell
                                    Baghdad Hussein from the Apaches!   

 

BAGHDAD HUSSEIN enters, drunk as a skunk.

 

                                                            HUSSEIN
                                    Someone here calling me an Apache?

 

                                                            BUSH
                                    Not me!  I never said you were an Apache!  Hey! 
                                    Look over there!

 

Bush points toward the other side of the stage, and when Hussein looks, Bush runs off stage.  Hussein looks back and is surprised to see Bush isnít there.

 

                                                            HUSSEIN
                                    Whereíd he go?

 

                                                            KERRY
                                    Come on, Baghdad, I think you better spend the night
                                    in jail and sleep this off.

 

                                                            HUSSEIN
                                    Not going to jail!!!

 

                                                            KERRY
                                    Come on, men.  Letís take him away.

 

A bunch of COWBOYS come up on stage and they all take hold of Hussein and start to pull him off stage.  As theyíre taking him off, Bush re-enters and shoots down the cowboys and Hussein!  The cowboys and Hussein all fall dead.

 

                                                            BUSH
                                    I got him!  I gunned down Baghdad Hussein!  Iím
                                    a hero!

 

                                                            KERRY
                                    Youíre an idiot!  You just killed a lot of innocent men!

 

                                                            BUSH
                                    But I got Hussein too!  Iím a hero!  Isnít that right, Mr.
                                    Newspaper Editor?

 

                                                                EDITOR
                                    Thatís right, Two Gun.  The headline of tomorrowís edition
                                    of the Gunshot Gazette is gonna say youíre the man who
                                    got Baghdad Hussein!

 

                                                                KERRY
                                    But thatís bullshit!

 

                                                                EDITOR
                                    Right!  But the first rule of the newspaper business is, when
                                    the bullshit becomes the story, print the bullshit!

 

                                                                BUSH
                                    Yippee yi yo kiay!

 

 

THE END

© 2004 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.

 

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