THE MAN WHO GOT BAGHDAD HUSSEIN
By Richard Nathan
In a Western town, a debate is about to be held between two candidates for the office of Sheriff: TWO GUN BUSH and JOHN KERRY. The candidates stand at podiums. They are introduced by the EDITOR of the town paper.
Settle down, folks. Our debateís about to start.
As editor of the Gunshot Gazette, itís my job to
introduce the candidates for sheriff. This here is
Two Gun Bush. His pappy was once sheriff, a
few years back. And this is John Kerry, a lawyer
from back East. Mr. Kerry, you drew high card,
so you go first.
Ladies and GentlemenÖ.
Now hold on there, Kerry! Which is it, ladies or
gentlemen? You folks ainít gonna vote for a sheriff
who canít decide if youíre ladies or if youíre
gentlemen, are you?
As I was saying, Iím running for sheriff because I
believe the West is becoming civilized, and civilized
times call for a civilized sheriff.
Sounds like a lot of Massachusetts doubletalk to me.
Will you stop interrupting me, you petulant little troglodyte?
Whoa! More Massachusetts talk! Folks, what you
want to keep the peace is a for-real Texas cowboy,
not someone with all that back East schooliní and book-
What are you talking about? You went to the same
Eastern school I did!
Yeah, but I didnít learn anything!
A frightened CITIZEN runs in.
Men! Baghdad Hussein is drunk again! Heís threatening
to kill everyone at the saloon!
I thought weíd taken away his guns.
I donít think he even has a gun.
What are you talking about? Of course heís got a gun!
Who ever heard of a bad guy without a gun?
I suppose weíd better throw him in jail.
Jail! Jail??? Letís shoot him down like a dog! Thatís
the only way to handle the bad guys.
I donít think itís necessary to shoot down an unarmed
Sure it is. If you donít shoot him now, heíll probably
go get a gun, and the next thing you know, heíll be
teaming up with those Apaches who burned down the
Trading Post. I say, kill him now!
Baghdad Hussein isnít an Apache!
You hear that, folks? Kerry here thinks you can tell
Baghdad Hussein from the Apaches!
BAGHDAD HUSSEIN enters, drunk as a skunk.
Someone here calling me an Apache?
Not me! I never said you were an Apache! Hey!
Look over there!
Bush points toward the other side of the stage, and when Hussein looks, Bush runs off stage. Hussein looks back and is surprised to see Bush isnít there.
Whereíd he go?
Come on, Baghdad, I think you better spend the night
in jail and sleep this off.
Not going to jail!!!
Come on, men. Letís take him away.
A bunch of COWBOYS come up on stage and they all take hold of Hussein and start to pull him off stage. As theyíre taking him off, Bush re-enters and shoots down the cowboys and Hussein! The cowboys and Hussein all fall dead.
I got him! I gunned down Baghdad Hussein! Iím
Youíre an idiot! You just killed a lot of innocent men!
But I got Hussein too! Iím a hero! Isnít that right, Mr.
Thatís right, Two Gun. The headline of tomorrowís edition
of the Gunshot Gazette is gonna say youíre the man who
got Baghdad Hussein!
But thatís bullshit!
Right! But the first rule of the newspaper business is, when
the bullshit becomes the story, print the bullshit!
Yippee yi yo kiay!
© 2004 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
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