Welcome To The Conference Community
By Richard Nathan
LIGHTS UP.
CATHERINE, an executive sits at her desk and dials a number on her phone. All the other cast members are either off-stage, or lined up against the wall at the back of the stage. They are not supposed to be physically present in the scene. They are just voices on the phone.
We hear what Catherine hears on the phone:
RECORDED VOICE
Welcome to the Conference Community. Please
enter the number of the conference you wish to
attend, followed by the pound symbol.
Catherine pushes the keys on the phone.
RECORDED VOICE
Thank you. Please enter your personal pass code
followed by the pound symbol.
Catherine pushes the keys.
RECORDED VOICE
Thank you. You have been admitted to your
conference. There are – ten – members in this
conference, including yourself.
JANE
Who just joined?
CATHERINE
It’s Catherine. Sorry I’m late. I was on another
call. Have I missed much?
GEORGE
We haven’t started yet.
DEBORAH
We’re waiting for Paul.
ANN
As usual.
PAUL
This is Paul. I’ve been on this call for ten minutes!
ANN
Oh. Paul. I didn't mean you. I meant Paul - um....
Harrison. I hope you didn't think I meant you.
PAUL
Never mind.
JANE
We weren't waiting for Paul. We’re waiting for Sam.
PHIL
Sam couldn’t make it. He said to go on without
him.
CATHERINE
I thought the whole point of this call was to get
Sam’s input.
PHIL
Sam couldn’t make it.
JANE
Let’s see what we can get done without him. What’s
the first issue?
(Long pause.)
CATHERINE
Who scheduled the call?
GEORGE
I think it was Sam.
DEBORAH
I’m sorry, what’s this call about? It popped up on
my calendar, but it didn’t say what the call was
about.
JANE
It’s about the Wentworth Contract.
CATHERINE
I thought this was about the Nelson Contract.
PHIL
That’s what I thought. The Nelson Contract.
JANE
Is that what everyone else thought we were
discussing – the Nelson Contract?
GEORGE
Yes.
PHIL
Yes.
PAUL
Yes.
ALAN
Yes.
ANN
Yes.
RACHEL
I thought we were doing to Feldman deal.
CATHERINE
The Feldman deal is dead.
RACHEL
No. Sam wants us to try again.
CATHERINE
Sam was the one who said to kill it.
RACHEL
He changed his mind.
JANE
Can we get back to Wentworth Contract?
DEBORAH
I thought it was the Nelson Contract.
ALAN
It is the Nelson Contract!!!
ANN
So we're all agreed. This call is about the Nelson
Contract.
BILL
This isn't about the off-site?
PAUL
What off-site?
BILL
I need to check something. I think I may be
on the wrong call.
Bill puts his phone on hold, which causes MUSIC to be played on the conference call.
(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)
GEORGE
What's with the music?
JANE
Someone put us on hold!
ANN
Who put us on hold?
JANE
It must have been Bill!
RACHEL
Someone call Bill and tell him not to put us on
hold.
PAUL
And don't put us on hold when you call Bill to
tell him not to put us on hold.
(MUSIC STOPS)
BILL
Sorry. I was on the wrong call. I'll get off.
CATHERINE
So now everyone agrees we're discussing the Nelson
Contract. What's the first issue?
PAUL
If development goes for a year, and then the project dies,
and Nelson gets it back, does he just reimburse costs,
or does he reimburse costs plus interest?
CATHERINE
Costs plus interest! We always get interest!
PHIL
No we don’t.
CATHERINE
Well, yes, in reality we don’t. But we always say we do.
PAUL
No, that’s not the new policy. The new policy is that
we always get interest, but we shouldn’t say we always
get interest, because sometimes we don’t.
DEBORAH
Sam said getting interest was an ironclad policy.
PAUL
It is. But the new policy is that we don’t always follow
ironclad policies.
RACHEL
If we don’t always follow policy, why can’t we not follow
the policy that says we can never say we always get
interest?
PAUL
Because that’s not the policy.
ANN
The new policy is we need to be flexible.
PAUL
Except when we don't.
GEORGE
I already told Nelson’s representatives that he wouldn’t
have to pay interest.
CATHERINE
We need Sam’s approval if we’re going to agree Nelson
won’t pay interest.
PHIL
Sam couldn’t make the call.
GEORGE
I'll try to get Sam.
George puts his phone on hold, which causes MUSIC to be played on the conference call.
(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)
ALAN
Someone put us on hold again!
JANE
It must have been George!
RACHEL
Someone call George and tell him not to put us on
hold.
PAUL
By the time you do that, he'll be back on.
ANN
Maybe not.
(MUSIC STOPS)
GEORGE
I'm back.
ALAN
Did you talk to Sam?
GEORGE
No. He's on a conference call.
CATHERINE
Let's go on. What’s the next issue?
PAUL
Nelson wants a double bonus if anyone else gets a
deferred payment.
CATHERINE
We never give double bonuses!
PAUL
We gave them to Nelson on his last deal.
CATHERINE
His last deal nearly bankrupt the company! It was a
disaster.
ALAN
But Nelson says his last deal is his precedent and it
establishes he’s worth a double bonus.
CATHERINE
He’s not worth anything. Every project we’ve had with
Nelson has failed!
RACHEL
Sam says we have to close this deal. He thinks Nelson
can put us back on top.
CATHERINE
Why would he think that?
ALAN
Because Nelson gets double bonuses. Only 900 pound
gorillas get double bonuses.
CATHERINE
We can’t give a double bonus without Sam’s specific sign-off.
PHIL
Sam couldn’t make this call.
CATHERINE
Look, I’m sorry. I have to get off. I have another call
at three I need to take.
JANE
Can everyone continue at 2:30 tomorrow?
CATHERINE
Send me an e-mail with the time. I have to get off now.
Catherine hangs up and dials another number.
RECORDED VOICE
Welcome to the Conference Community. Please enter the
number of the conference you wish to attend, followed by
the pound symbol.
Catherine pushes the keys on the phone.
RECORDED VOICE
Thank you. Please enter your personal pass code followed
by the pound symbol.
Catherine pushes the keys.
RECORDED VOICE
Thank you. You have been admitted to your conference.
There are – thirty-two – members in this conference, including
yourself.
BILL
Who just joined?
CATHERINE
It’s Catherine. Sorry I’m late. I was on another call.
GEORGE
Hi. This is George. I was on another call.
JANE
Hi. This is Jane. I was on another call.
DEBORAH
Hi. This is Deborah. I was on another call.
PAUL
Hi. This is Paul. I was on another call.
PHIL
Hi. This is Phil. I was on another call.
ALAN
Hi. This is Alan. I was on another call.
RACHEL
Hi. This is Rachel. I was on another call.
ANN
Hi. This is Ann. I was on another call.
GEORGE
Hi. This is George. Does anyone know what this call is
about?
JANE
Who called this meeting?
GEORGE
Sam.
PHIL
Sam couldn't make this call.
BLACKOUT.
© 2006 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.
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