DAVID & BATHSHEBA
By Richard Nathan
ENTER KING DAVID. He should be reminiscent of Fred MacMurray in “Double Indemnity.”
DAVID
It’s not easy being the King of the Israelites,
but it has its compensations. For instance, that
day I was taking a stroll on the palace roof when
I saw something no red-blooded male could resist.
Being King, I didn’t have to resist. I sent for her.
ENTER BATHSHEBA. She should be reminiscent of Barbara Stanwyck in “Double Indemnity.”
DAVID
You know there are laws against public indecency.
BATHSHEBA
In that case, you better stop undressing me with your
eyes, before we both get in trouble.
DAVID
I’m the King. No one gets me in trouble.
BATHSHEBA
Wanna bet?
DAVID
I hear your name is Bathsheba. An appropriate
name for a girl whose hobby is bathing.
BATHSHEBA
I do like a good scrubbing.
DAVID
I’ll bet you do, baby.
BATHSHEBA
Slow down, honey. I know how to scrub myself.
DAVID
I saw you bathing today. I liked what I saw.
BATHSHEBA
You like cleanliness?
DAVID
On some people it looks better than others. Take
you, for example.
BATHSHEBA
I’m already taken. My husband is Uriah the Hittite.
DAVID
One of my generals. He’s a good man.
BATHSHEBA
He’s an old man.
DAVID
Don’t you like old men?
BATHSHEBA
I can take them – or leave them.
DAVID
How would Uriah the Hittite feel about your
bathing where anyone could see you?
BATHSHEBA
Where I was bathing, the only person who
could see me is the King.
DAVID
And how would Uriah feel about the King
seeing you bathe?
BATHSHEBA
Who’s going to tell him?
DAVID
Not me.
BATHSHEBA
Then what are you worried about?
DAVID
I’m not worried about a thing, baby. Are
you worried about anything?
BATHSHEBA
Just worried about when I’ll get my next
scrubbing.
BATHSHEBA EXITS, beckoning for DAVID to follow her. DAVID turns to the audience.
DAVID
A few
weeks later, it turned out there was
something for both of us to worry about.
ENTER BATHSHEBA, not happy.
BATHSHEBA
I’m pregnant!
DAVID
Okay, we
can work something out.
BATHSHEBA
The only
thing for you to work out is when
you’re going to marry me!
DAVID
You’re
already married, baby, or had you
forgotten?
BATHSHEBA
Uriah’s
away at your war! Men die at war all
the time.
DAVID
I could
arrange something … but it makes me feel…
unclean.
BATHSHEBA
Honey,
that’s nothing a good scrubbing can’t fix.
EXIT BATHSHEBA. DAVID turns back to the audience.
DAVID
So I did
everything Bathsheba suggested, and I
mean everything. Soon Uriah was dead.
Unfortunately, Nathan the Prophet was suspicious.
ENTER NATHAN. He is reminiscent of Edward G. Robinson in “Double Indemnity.”
NATHAN
It just
doesn’t sit right with me, the way Uriah died.
There’s something funny about
it!
DAVID speaks to the audience.
DAVID
Bathsheba
couldn’t take the pressure. She
started to drink.
ENTER BATHSHEBA, with a bottle. She’s drunk. She keeps drinking from the bottle.
DAVID
I don’t
see anything funny about Uriah’s death.
NATHAN
Doesn’t it
seem odd that only servants and one
general would be killed in that battle? Why
was
Uriah,
a general, up in the front lines with the
servants?
DAVID
Uriah
never allowed other men to take over his
obligations.
BATHSHEBA
Ha!
NATHAN
Did you just say,
“Ha”?
DAVID
She’s a
grieving widow. She doesn’t know
what she’s saying.
NATHAN
Did Uriah
prefer to take action in the front,
or did he like to bring up the rear?
BATHSHEBA
Neither.
He preferred to go to war.
DAVID
Bathsheba!
NATHAN
She seems
to spend a lot of time around here.
DAVID
What’s
that supposed to mean?
NATHAN
Thou shalt
not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not
bear false
witness. How many
commandments is that?
BATHSHEBA
We’re
still good for seven!
NATHAN
That
sounds like a confession!
DAVID
You can’t
prove anything!
NATHAN
I don’t
need to prove anything! I’m a prophet of God,
and God sees and knows
everything, and God says you’re
dirty, dirty as sin! And you’re going to suffer
for your sins!
God’s going to make you pay, pay for all your dirty sins!
What
do you say to that?
BATHSHEBA
I’m going
to take a bath!
BLACKOUT.
THE END
© 2005 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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