THE CHRISTMAS GIFT
&
EBENEZER SCROOGE'S CHRISTMAS SURPRISE
two miserable sketches
by Richard Nathan
The Christmas Gift
Lights come up on the WIFE. Her hair is wrapped in a bandana or under a hat. Enter the HUSBAND, very drunk.
WIFE
Where the hell have you been?
HUSBAND
Lookin’ for a job. Don’ you always
tell me “Look for a job”?
WIFE
I didn’t mean for you to look on Christmas
day. How can you expect to find a job
when practically everything is closed?
HUSBAND
Everything was closed.
WIFE
Except the bar, apparently.
HUSBAND
Except the bar. But they didn’t have a job.
WIFE
I don’t suppose you got me anything for
Christmas.
HUSBAND
I did too. Got lovely present for my lovely wife.
WIFE
Where’d you get the money?
HUSBAND
You know my watch? Beautiful watch? Watch
I love so much? My gold watch? I hocked it just
to get a gift for you. A gift for my lovely wife.
WIFE
Let’s see it.
(Husband gives her a gift. It’s a battered old comb, with several teeth missing, and some used ribbons.)
HUSBAND
It’s a comb. A lovely comb and some ribbons
for your hair.
WIFE
It looks like you pulled these out of a garbage bin.
HUSBAND
Merry Christmas.
WIFE
Well I can’t use these on my hair, because I cut
my hair off and sold it to the wigmaker, to get this
gift for you.
(She gives him a gift. He opens it. It’s a bottle of whiskey.)
HUSBAND
For me? A bottle of booze? Just what I always
wanted. Merry Christmas.
(He drinks the scotch. Chokes. Dies.)
WIFE
I hope you liked the arsenic. Merry Christmas!
Blackout!
© 2006 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
*********************************************************************************************************
Ebenezer Scrooge's Christmas Surprise
Lights come up on Christmas morning, as EBENEZER
SCROOGE wakes up.
SCROOGE
Ah! I’m alive!
I don’t know what to do!
I’m as light as a feather!
I don’t know
what day of the month it is!
I don’t know
how long I’ve been among the spirits.
I don’t know anything.
Scrooge runs downstage, opens a window, and calls out
to a BOY on the street below.
SCROOGE
Boy! What’s today?
What day is it?
BOY
(off-stage)
Today? Why, Christmas
Day!
SCROOGE
It’s Christmas Day! I
haven’t missed
it! The spirits did it
all in one night!
The spirits did it on time for Christmas!
The sprits were right on time!
Scrooge’s door bursts open and BOB CRATCHIT enters.
Scrooge is happy to see him, but can’t understand why he is there.
SCROOGE
Bob! Bob Cratchit!
What are you….
CRATCHIT
Tiny Tim just died, you bastard!
Cratchit raises a pistol and shoots Scrooge.
Scrooge is hit! He
crumples to the floor.
SCROOGE
The spirits were too late!
He dies.
BLACKOUT.
© 2007 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
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