THE HARE LIP PROJECT  

by Richard Nathan

 

As the film begins, the following legend appears on the screen:

Three weeks ago, three film students went into the woods to make a film about three students who had gone into the woods to make a film three months earlier.  They were never heard from again.  None of them.  Not the original three students, or the other three students who made film about the first three.  Nobody!  Really.  Never heard from again!

 

We're not kidding.

 

This is the film they left behind when they disappeared.

 

We're not just making this up.

 

Really.

 

INT.  ALICE'S BEDROOM  --  DAY

Someone is shooting film of the ALICE, the Director of the second film.  (She's the one who disappeared three weeks ago - not the one who disappeared three months before that).

ALICE

Okay, hello, and welcome to my film.  I'm making a documentary about these three film students who made a documentary about the Hare Lip Woman, and who were never heard from again.  In my documentary, I'm going to try to find out what happened to them and why they were never heard from again.  But first I'm going to show their film footage which was found after they were never heard from again.  So the part of the film you are going to see now is the part from the students who were never heard from again.  It's not from me, because I'm going to be heard from again.

INT.  LUCY'S HOUSE --  DAY

Now we're in the home of LUCY, who is the first director, the one who disappeared three months ago, not the one who disappeared weeks ago.  LUCY speaks into a hand-held videocamera.

                                                            LUCY
                                    This is the story of the Hare Lip.  It's a local 
                                    legend here in Southern California.  It seems 
                                    there was a woman who was very beautiful, 
                                    only she had a hare lip, which is like a cleft 
                                    pallet, and they can cure it these days.  Only 
                                    they couldn't cure it back when this story took 
                                    place.  Anyway, this woman was so 
                                    embarrassed by her hare lip that she went into
                                    the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where 
                                    no one would ever see her hare lip.  At the 
                                    same time, there lived in the city a man with 
                                    a wooden eye.  He only had one real eye, but 
                                    he was too poor to buy a glass eye, so he had 
                                    a fake wooden eye made.  Anyway, he figured 
                                    no normal woman would go out with him, but he 
                                    heard about the woman with the hare lip, and he 
                                    thought maybe she would go out with him.  So 
                                    he wandered through the woods, until he found 
                                    her cabin, and he knocked on the door, and he 
                                    was still worried about his wooden eye, but he 
                                    figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd 
                                    be so sensitive about her hare lip.  So he knocked 
                                    on the door, and he said, "Would you like to go 
                                    out with me?"  And she was thrilled, because no 
                                    one had ever asked her out before.  So he said, 
                                    "Would you like to go out with me, and she said, 
                                    "Would I?  Would I?"  And he said, "Hare Lip!  
                                   
Hare Lip!"  And neither of them were ever heard 
                                    from again!  So we're going to go into the woods 
                                    and find out what happened to them.

EXT.  DARK ALLEY  --  EVENING

 

LUCY, followed by her two man film crew, RICKY and FRED goes into a dark alley to interview people on the street.

 

                                                                LUCY
                                    Now we're going to have a man-on-the-street 
                                    interview to see what people think of the story 
                                    of the woman with the hare lip and the guy with 
                                    the wooden eye.

 

The first person LUCY walks up to is a WITCH, looking like something out of the Wizard of Oz (with the green skin, and the pointy black hat, etc.)

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Excuse me, may I ask you a question for my 
                                    documentary?

 

                                                            WITCH
                                    Certainly, dearie.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Have you heard the story about the hare lip 
                                    woman?

 

                                                            WITCH
                                    Isn't that the story of the woman with a hare lip 
                                    who goes into a bar, and she says to the bartender, 
                                    (the witch uses a
hare lip voice for the woman)  
                                    "I'll have a scotch and soda."  And the bartender 
                                    says, (the witch uses a hare lip voice for the 
                                    bartender) "One scotch and soda coming up."  
                                   
And the woman says, (the witch uses the hare 
                                    lip voice)
"Are you making fun of me?"  And the 
                                    bartender says, (hare lip voice:)  "No, this is the 
                                    way I talk."  Then another customer comes in and 
                                    says, "Gimme a shot of whiskey."  And the bartender 
                                    says (normal voice:) "Shot of whisky, coming right 
                                    up."  And the woman says, (hare lip voice:) "I 
                                    thought you said you weren't making fun of me."  
                                   
And the bartender says, (hare lip voice:)  "I 
                                    wasn't making fun of you.  I was making fun of 
                                    him!!!"

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    No.  That's not the hare lip story I meant.

 

Lucy goes further into the alley to find another person to interview.  She walks up to a VAMPIRE who is busy sucking blood from the throat of his beautiful VICTIM.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Excuse me.  Do you mind if we ask you a few 
                                    questions for a film we're making?

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    Go away!  Can't you see I'm busy?

 

Whenever the vampire takes his mouth away from the VICTIM's neck, blood spurts out of the two wounds in her neck.  (Whenever the VAMPIRE isn't speaking, he goes back to sucking.)

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    We just wanted to know if you've ever heard 
                                    of the Hare Lip Woman and the Wood-Eyed 
                                    Man.

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    Of course I've heard of that ridiculous story.  
                                   
They were telling it way back when I was a 
                                    child.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Well, do you think it's true?

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    Of course it's not true.  Only an imbecile would 
                                    think it was true.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Well, I think it's true.  There was a man with a 
                                    wooden eye and a woman with a hare lip.  
                                   
Except some people say it was a woman with a 
                                    wooden eye and a man with a hare lip.  But one 
                                    thing everyone agrees on...  they were never 
                                    heard from again.

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    Good.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I'm going to make a film about them and call it 
                                    the "Hare Lip Project."  Do you think maybe I'll 
                                    never be heard from again?

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    I hope so.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I take it you don't believe in the supernatural.

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    I don't believe in you.  Now go away and stop 
                                    bothering me!

 

LUCY turns to the camera.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    There you have it!  Folks around here tend not 
                                    to believe in the Hare Lip Project.

 

EXT.  --  THE WOODS  --  DAY

 

LUCY and RICKY and FRED are walking through the woods.  They take turns shooting each other with the videocamera.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Is there some way we could do this film 
                                    without the guy having a wooden eye and 
                                    without the woman having a hare lip?

 

                                                            FRED
                                    I think that would be kind of hard.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Yeah.  Like doing "Titanic" without the 
                                    iceberg or the boat.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    It's just that we're making this film to get jobs 
                                    in the business, right?  And I'm afraid there'll be 
                                    people who'll think we're making fun of the 
                                    handicapped, and that's not cool.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Are you saying Will Smith isn't cool?  He makes 
                                    fun of Kenneth Branagh for not having any legs in 
                                    "WILD, WILD WEST."  And no one's cooler 
                                    than Will Smith.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    But he's black, so he can get away with it.  He's 
                                    an oppressed minority.  But I'm a white guy, so 

                                    I can't make fun of women with hare lips.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Maybe he's right.  My mother got a hairy lip when 
                                    she went through menopause, and when we joked 
                                    about it, she had a fit!

 

                                                            LUCY

                                    Not hair lip!  Hare lip! 

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Huh?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It's spelled "h-a-r-e."  Not "h-a-i-r."

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Huh?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It's spelled "h-a-r-e" like a bunny rabbit hare, 
                                    not "h-a-i-r" like the hair on your head hair.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    So she had a lip like a bunny rabbit?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    But don't bunny rabbits have hairy lips?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It's like a cleft pallet!  It has nothing to do with 
                                    facial hair!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Still, what if there's some big important producer 
                                    with a hare lip?  If we come up with a movie that 
                                    makes fun of people with hare lips, he could fix it 
                                    so we'd never work in this town again.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Big important producers don't have hare lips.  
                                   
They have enough money to get them fixed.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    But what about wooden eyes?  Lots of important 
                                    people have fake eyes.  Like Sammy Davis Jr.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    He's dead.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    And he's black, so he can get away with it.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Sandy Duncan isn't dead, or black, and she's 
                                    got a glass eye!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                                (dripping with sarcasm)
                                    Yeah, right.  If we offend Sandy Duncan, she'll fix 
                                    it so we'll never work in this town again!  I'm 
                                    trembling with fear!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Peter Falk has a glass eye.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    And Pamela Anderson had glass breasts.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    What???

 

                                                            FRED
                                    She had breasts made out of silicone, until she had 
                                    the silicone taken out.  And don't they make glass 
                                    out of silicone?  Or is that mirrors?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    We're not making fun of people with glass eyes . . . 
                                    or glass breasts!  The guy in this story has a 
                                    wooden eye!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I still think it's risky!  There are a lot of very 
                                    compassionate people in the business.  Like 
                                    Steven Speilberg.  He may not have a fake eye, 
                                    or a hare lip but he's so compassionate, he'd worry 

                                    that somewhere in the world there's a poor little girl 
                                    with both a fake eye and a hare lip, and if she saw 

                                    our film, it would break her little heart.  And Steven 
                                    Speilberg would get so mad, he'd ruin our lives 
                                    forever.  We'd be lucky if he didn't have us killed!

 

                                                            LUCY

                                    But not everyone's a squishy soft Democrat like 

                                    Steven Speilberg.  Remember, Bruce Willis is a 

                                    conservative Republican.  He'd probably love it 

                                    if we made a film about a guy with a fake eye.  
                                   
He'd probably be so pleased, he'd give us all jobs 
                                    on his next film.

 

                                                            FRED

                                    Maybe not.  It's true he's a conservative Republican, 
                                    but he's also bald, so he might not like people making 
                                    fun of other people's deformities.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I don't care!  I don't care who we offend!  This is 
                                    my artistic vision!  You guys promised to make this 
                                    film with me!  It's too late for you to back out now!!!!  
                                   
Now, come on!  It's time to shoot the first scene.

 

EXT.  A SMALL CLEARING IN THE WOODS  --  DAY

 

LUCY is speaking very seriously, directly into the camera.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    This is the site where a family of settlers lost their 
                                    way in the Nineteenth Century.  Without any food, 
                                    they were literally starving to death.  "Daddy!  
                                   
Daddy,"  the children cried, "We don't like Mommy's 
                                    hare lip!!!"  "Shut up and eat around it," their father is 
                                    reported to have said.

 

EXT.  CAMPSITE IN THE WOODS - LATER

 

RICKY is leaning back against a tree.

 

                                                            RICKY

All this talk about fake eyes makes me think of the funniest thing I ever saw in my entire life.  It was Sammy Davis Junior's face after he got hit by a pie on the Soupy Sales Show.  Sammy was doing a guest appearance with Frank Sinatra, and I'll never forget the look on Sammy's face when Soupy smacked him with that pie.

It was the perfect combination of shock and lost dignity.  It was the best!  Better than Stan or Ollie or Larry or Moe or Curly or anybody.  There's no point in ever throwing a pie in anybody else's face, because Sammy Davis Jr. has already done the best possible reaction.  Then a few nights ago, I was channel surfing, trying to find something to watch on television, and I found a documentary on Frank Sinatra.  It showed Frank in the back seat of a car, talking about the Soupy Sales Show, and he said Soupy came up to Sammy on the side with the glass eye, and he literally blind-sided him.  Sammy didn't see the pie coming.  So that great reaction wasn't talent - it was just natural.  That was the most disillusioning moment of my entire life.

 

                        FRED
No it wasn't.

 

                        RICKY
Yes it was.

                                                            FRED
                                    No it wasn't.

                                                            RICKY
                                    Yes it was!

                                                            FRED
                                    No it wasn't.  Because even if he didn't see it 
                                    coming, it was Sammy Davis Jr.'s great talent 
                                    that made him look like he did when he was hit 
                                    by the pie.  And that's what made him great.

                                                            RICKY
                                    Maybe you're right.

EXT.  A PATH IN THE WOODS --  DAY

 

LUCY, and RICKY and FRED are walking through the woods, passing around the videocamera.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I'm not sure it was such a good idea to make this 
                                    film in the woods.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    The story takes place in the woods!  Where else 
                                    could we make it?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    The woods are sort of monotonous.  I mean, how 
                                    interesting can we make all these shots of leaves 
                                    and dirt.  Besides, its hard to put product placements 
                                    into the woods.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    What's a product placement?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    That's like if you're making a movie, and you have 
                                    the hero drive a Lexus, then the Lexus company is 
                                    so grateful, they give you a free car.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Wow!  That's cool!  Put me down for that!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    No one is going to give us a free Lexus for 
                                    doing a student film.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Okay, but what about McDonald's?  We could 
                                    do a product placement for McDonald's!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    You want us to put in references to McDonald's?  
                                   
Why?  So you can get a free happy meal?

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Sounds good to me.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    But free happy meals is only the beginning.  
                                   
We could make a deal for cross-promotions.  
                                   
McDonald's could give away little Wood-Eye 
                                    Man and Hare-Lip Woman toys for the kids 
                                    to play with.

 

RICKY picks up some twigs off the ground, and holds them up, pretending they are Happy Meal toys  talking to each other.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    "Would you like to out to McDonald's with me 
                                    for a Quarter Pounder?  "Would I?  Would I?"  
                                   
"Hare lip!  Hare lip!"  And then McDonald's 
                                    would pay us a fortune!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I'm not going to sacrifice my artistic vision to make 
                                    a fortune.

 

                                                            FRED

                                    Why not?  I mean, what makes you so great?  You 
                                    think you're better than George Lucas?  I bet he's 
                                    sacrificed lots of his artistic vision to make a fortune!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Don't talk about George Lucas while the camera is 
                                    rolling!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I bet George Lucas doesn't even like Jar Jar Binks, 
                                    but he knew he could make a fortune in merchandising 
                                    if he put Jar Jar in the movie, and he knew he had a 
                                    duty to everyone who had a share in the profits of 
                                    the movie.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Don't talk about George Lucas while the camera is 
                                    rolling!!!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Why not?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Because we want to get jobs!  Remember?  No 
                                    one is going to give us jobs if we bad-mouth 
                                    George lucas!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I'm not bad mouthing George Lucas!  I think he's
                                    a great patriotic American.  The more money he 
                                    makes, the greater it is for our economy.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Putting Jar-Jar Binks into his movie so that he can 
                                    make a lot of money does not make George Lucas 
                                    a patriot!

                                                            

                                                            FRED

                                    Hey, I like Jar-Jar Binks.

 

                                                            LUCY
     &n