THE HARE LIP PROJECT  

by Richard Nathan

 

As the film begins, the following legend appears on the screen:

Three weeks ago, three film students went into the woods to make a film about three students who had gone into the woods to make a film three months earlier.  They were never heard from again.  None of them.  Not the original three students, or the other three students who made film about the first three.  Nobody!  Really.  Never heard from again!

 

We're not kidding.

 

This is the film they left behind when they disappeared.

 

We're not just making this up.

 

Really.

 

INT.  ALICE'S BEDROOM  --  DAY

Someone is shooting film of the ALICE, the Director of the second film.  (She's the one who disappeared three weeks ago - not the one who disappeared three months before that).

ALICE

Okay, hello, and welcome to my film.  I'm making a documentary about these three film students who made a documentary about the Hare Lip Woman, and who were never heard from again.  In my documentary, I'm going to try to find out what happened to them and why they were never heard from again.  But first I'm going to show their film footage which was found after they were never heard from again.  So the part of the film you are going to see now is the part from the students who were never heard from again.  It's not from me, because I'm going to be heard from again.

INT.  LUCY'S HOUSE --  DAY

Now we're in the home of LUCY, who is the first director, the one who disappeared three months ago, not the one who disappeared weeks ago.  LUCY speaks into a hand-held videocamera.

                                                            LUCY
                                    This is the story of the Hare Lip.  It's a local 
                                    legend here in Southern California.  It seems 
                                    there was a woman who was very beautiful, 
                                    only she had a hare lip, which is like a cleft 
                                    pallet, and they can cure it these days.  Only 
                                    they couldn't cure it back when this story took 
                                    place.  Anyway, this woman was so 
                                    embarrassed by her hare lip that she went into
                                    the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where 
                                    no one would ever see her hare lip.  At the 
                                    same time, there lived in the city a man with 
                                    a wooden eye.  He only had one real eye, but 
                                    he was too poor to buy a glass eye, so he had 
                                    a fake wooden eye made.  Anyway, he figured 
                                    no normal woman would go out with him, but he 
                                    heard about the woman with the hare lip, and he 
                                    thought maybe she would go out with him.  So 
                                    he wandered through the woods, until he found 
                                    her cabin, and he knocked on the door, and he 
                                    was still worried about his wooden eye, but he 
                                    figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd 
                                    be so sensitive about her hare lip.  So he knocked 
                                    on the door, and he said, "Would you like to go 
                                    out with me?"  And she was thrilled, because no 
                                    one had ever asked her out before.  So he said, 
                                    "Would you like to go out with me, and she said, 
                                    "Would I?  Would I?"  And he said, "Hare Lip!  
                                   
Hare Lip!"  And neither of them were ever heard 
                                    from again!  So we're going to go into the woods 
                                    and find out what happened to them.

EXT.  DARK ALLEY  --  EVENING

 

LUCY, followed by her two man film crew, RICKY and FRED goes into a dark alley to interview people on the street.

 

                                                                LUCY
                                    Now we're going to have a man-on-the-street 
                                    interview to see what people think of the story 
                                    of the woman with the hare lip and the guy with 
                                    the wooden eye.

 

The first person LUCY walks up to is a WITCH, looking like something out of the Wizard of Oz (with the green skin, and the pointy black hat, etc.)

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Excuse me, may I ask you a question for my 
                                    documentary?

 

                                                            WITCH
                                    Certainly, dearie.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Have you heard the story about the hare lip 
                                    woman?

 

                                                            WITCH
                                    Isn't that the story of the woman with a hare lip 
                                    who goes into a bar, and she says to the bartender, 
                                    (the witch uses a
hare lip voice for the woman)  
                                    "I'll have a scotch and soda."  And the bartender 
                                    says, (the witch uses a hare lip voice for the 
                                    bartender) "One scotch and soda coming up."  
                                   
And the woman says, (the witch uses the hare 
                                    lip voice)
"Are you making fun of me?"  And the 
                                    bartender says, (hare lip voice:)  "No, this is the 
                                    way I talk."  Then another customer comes in and 
                                    says, "Gimme a shot of whiskey."  And the bartender 
                                    says (normal voice:) "Shot of whisky, coming right 
                                    up."  And the woman says, (hare lip voice:) "I 
                                    thought you said you weren't making fun of me."  
                                   
And the bartender says, (hare lip voice:)  "I 
                                    wasn't making fun of you.  I was making fun of 
                                    him!!!"

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    No.  That's not the hare lip story I meant.

 

Lucy goes further into the alley to find another person to interview.  She walks up to a VAMPIRE who is busy sucking blood from the throat of his beautiful VICTIM.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Excuse me.  Do you mind if we ask you a few 
                                    questions for a film we're making?

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    Go away!  Can't you see I'm busy?

 

Whenever the vampire takes his mouth away from the VICTIM's neck, blood spurts out of the two wounds in her neck.  (Whenever the VAMPIRE isn't speaking, he goes back to sucking.)

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    We just wanted to know if you've ever heard 
                                    of the Hare Lip Woman and the Wood-Eyed 
                                    Man.

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    Of course I've heard of that ridiculous story.  
                                   
They were telling it way back when I was a 
                                    child.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Well, do you think it's true?

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    Of course it's not true.  Only an imbecile would 
                                    think it was true.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Well, I think it's true.  There was a man with a 
                                    wooden eye and a woman with a hare lip.  
                                   
Except some people say it was a woman with a 
                                    wooden eye and a man with a hare lip.  But one 
                                    thing everyone agrees on...  they were never 
                                    heard from again.

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    Good.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I'm going to make a film about them and call it 
                                    the "Hare Lip Project."  Do you think maybe I'll 
                                    never be heard from again?

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    I hope so.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I take it you don't believe in the supernatural.

 

                                                            VAMPIRE
                                    I don't believe in you.  Now go away and stop 
                                    bothering me!

 

LUCY turns to the camera.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    There you have it!  Folks around here tend not 
                                    to believe in the Hare Lip Project.

 

EXT.  --  THE WOODS  --  DAY

 

LUCY and RICKY and FRED are walking through the woods.  They take turns shooting each other with the videocamera.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Is there some way we could do this film 
                                    without the guy having a wooden eye and 
                                    without the woman having a hare lip?

 

                                                            FRED
                                    I think that would be kind of hard.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Yeah.  Like doing "Titanic" without the 
                                    iceberg or the boat.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    It's just that we're making this film to get jobs 
                                    in the business, right?  And I'm afraid there'll be 
                                    people who'll think we're making fun of the 
                                    handicapped, and that's not cool.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Are you saying Will Smith isn't cool?  He makes 
                                    fun of Kenneth Branagh for not having any legs in 
                                    "WILD, WILD WEST."  And no one's cooler 
                                    than Will Smith.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    But he's black, so he can get away with it.  He's 
                                    an oppressed minority.  But I'm a white guy, so 

                                    I can't make fun of women with hare lips.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Maybe he's right.  My mother got a hairy lip when 
                                    she went through menopause, and when we joked 
                                    about it, she had a fit!

 

                                                            LUCY

                                    Not hair lip!  Hare lip! 

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Huh?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It's spelled "h-a-r-e."  Not "h-a-i-r."

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Huh?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It's spelled "h-a-r-e" like a bunny rabbit hare, 
                                    not "h-a-i-r" like the hair on your head hair.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    So she had a lip like a bunny rabbit?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    But don't bunny rabbits have hairy lips?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It's like a cleft pallet!  It has nothing to do with 
                                    facial hair!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Still, what if there's some big important producer 
                                    with a hare lip?  If we come up with a movie that 
                                    makes fun of people with hare lips, he could fix it 
                                    so we'd never work in this town again.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Big important producers don't have hare lips.  
                                   
They have enough money to get them fixed.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    But what about wooden eyes?  Lots of important 
                                    people have fake eyes.  Like Sammy Davis Jr.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    He's dead.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    And he's black, so he can get away with it.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Sandy Duncan isn't dead, or black, and she's 
                                    got a glass eye!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                                (dripping with sarcasm)
                                    Yeah, right.  If we offend Sandy Duncan, she'll fix 
                                    it so we'll never work in this town again!  I'm 
                                    trembling with fear!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Peter Falk has a glass eye.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    And Pamela Anderson had glass breasts.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    What???

 

                                                            FRED
                                    She had breasts made out of silicone, until she had 
                                    the silicone taken out.  And don't they make glass 
                                    out of silicone?  Or is that mirrors?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    We're not making fun of people with glass eyes . . . 
                                    or glass breasts!  The guy in this story has a 
                                    wooden eye!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I still think it's risky!  There are a lot of very 
                                    compassionate people in the business.  Like 
                                    Steven Speilberg.  He may not have a fake eye, 
                                    or a hare lip but he's so compassionate, he'd worry 

                                    that somewhere in the world there's a poor little girl 
                                    with both a fake eye and a hare lip, and if she saw 

                                    our film, it would break her little heart.  And Steven 
                                    Speilberg would get so mad, he'd ruin our lives 
                                    forever.  We'd be lucky if he didn't have us killed!

 

                                                            LUCY

                                    But not everyone's a squishy soft Democrat like 

                                    Steven Speilberg.  Remember, Bruce Willis is a 

                                    conservative Republican.  He'd probably love it 

                                    if we made a film about a guy with a fake eye.  
                                   
He'd probably be so pleased, he'd give us all jobs 
                                    on his next film.

 

                                                            FRED

                                    Maybe not.  It's true he's a conservative Republican, 
                                    but he's also bald, so he might not like people making 
                                    fun of other people's deformities.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I don't care!  I don't care who we offend!  This is 
                                    my artistic vision!  You guys promised to make this 
                                    film with me!  It's too late for you to back out now!!!!  
                                   
Now, come on!  It's time to shoot the first scene.

 

EXT.  A SMALL CLEARING IN THE WOODS  --  DAY

 

LUCY is speaking very seriously, directly into the camera.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    This is the site where a family of settlers lost their 
                                    way in the Nineteenth Century.  Without any food, 
                                    they were literally starving to death.  "Daddy!  
                                   
Daddy,"  the children cried, "We don't like Mommy's 
                                    hare lip!!!"  "Shut up and eat around it," their father is 
                                    reported to have said.

 

EXT.  CAMPSITE IN THE WOODS - LATER

 

RICKY is leaning back against a tree.

 

                                                            RICKY

All this talk about fake eyes makes me think of the funniest thing I ever saw in my entire life.  It was Sammy Davis Junior's face after he got hit by a pie on the Soupy Sales Show.  Sammy was doing a guest appearance with Frank Sinatra, and I'll never forget the look on Sammy's face when Soupy smacked him with that pie.

It was the perfect combination of shock and lost dignity.  It was the best!  Better than Stan or Ollie or Larry or Moe or Curly or anybody.  There's no point in ever throwing a pie in anybody else's face, because Sammy Davis Jr. has already done the best possible reaction.  Then a few nights ago, I was channel surfing, trying to find something to watch on television, and I found a documentary on Frank Sinatra.  It showed Frank in the back seat of a car, talking about the Soupy Sales Show, and he said Soupy came up to Sammy on the side with the glass eye, and he literally blind-sided him.  Sammy didn't see the pie coming.  So that great reaction wasn't talent - it was just natural.  That was the most disillusioning moment of my entire life.

 

                        FRED
No it wasn't.

 

                        RICKY
Yes it was.

                                                            FRED
                                    No it wasn't.

                                                            RICKY
                                    Yes it was!

                                                            FRED
                                    No it wasn't.  Because even if he didn't see it 
                                    coming, it was Sammy Davis Jr.'s great talent 
                                    that made him look like he did when he was hit 
                                    by the pie.  And that's what made him great.

                                                            RICKY
                                    Maybe you're right.

EXT.  A PATH IN THE WOODS --  DAY

 

LUCY, and RICKY and FRED are walking through the woods, passing around the videocamera.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I'm not sure it was such a good idea to make this 
                                    film in the woods.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    The story takes place in the woods!  Where else 
                                    could we make it?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    The woods are sort of monotonous.  I mean, how 
                                    interesting can we make all these shots of leaves 
                                    and dirt.  Besides, its hard to put product placements 
                                    into the woods.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    What's a product placement?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    That's like if you're making a movie, and you have 
                                    the hero drive a Lexus, then the Lexus company is 
                                    so grateful, they give you a free car.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Wow!  That's cool!  Put me down for that!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    No one is going to give us a free Lexus for 
                                    doing a student film.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Okay, but what about McDonald's?  We could 
                                    do a product placement for McDonald's!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    You want us to put in references to McDonald's?  
                                   
Why?  So you can get a free happy meal?

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Sounds good to me.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    But free happy meals is only the beginning.  
                                   
We could make a deal for cross-promotions.  
                                   
McDonald's could give away little Wood-Eye 
                                    Man and Hare-Lip Woman toys for the kids 
                                    to play with.

 

RICKY picks up some twigs off the ground, and holds them up, pretending they are Happy Meal toys  talking to each other.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    "Would you like to out to McDonald's with me 
                                    for a Quarter Pounder?  "Would I?  Would I?"  
                                   
"Hare lip!  Hare lip!"  And then McDonald's 
                                    would pay us a fortune!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I'm not going to sacrifice my artistic vision to make 
                                    a fortune.

 

                                                            FRED

                                    Why not?  I mean, what makes you so great?  You 
                                    think you're better than George Lucas?  I bet he's 
                                    sacrificed lots of his artistic vision to make a fortune!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Don't talk about George Lucas while the camera is 
                                    rolling!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I bet George Lucas doesn't even like Jar Jar Binks, 
                                    but he knew he could make a fortune in merchandising 
                                    if he put Jar Jar in the movie, and he knew he had a 
                                    duty to everyone who had a share in the profits of 
                                    the movie.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Don't talk about George Lucas while the camera is 
                                    rolling!!!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Why not?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Because we want to get jobs!  Remember?  No 
                                    one is going to give us jobs if we bad-mouth 
                                    George lucas!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I'm not bad mouthing George Lucas!  I think he's
                                    a great patriotic American.  The more money he 
                                    makes, the greater it is for our economy.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Putting Jar-Jar Binks into his movie so that he can 
                                    make a lot of money does not make George Lucas 
                                    a patriot!

                                                            

                                                            FRED

                                    Hey, I like Jar-Jar Binks.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Stop talking about Jar-Jar Binks while the camera  
                                    is rolling!  Do you guys want to get jobs or not!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I just think it's great that George Lucas can be so 
                                    flexible.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    This is my movie!  And if I say we don't talk about 
                                    George Lucas or Jar-Jar Binks while the camera is 
                                    rolling, then we don't talk about George Lucas or 
                                    Jar-Jar Binks while the camera is rolling!

 

                                                            FRED
                                    It might be nice if some other directors could learn 
                                    to be as flexible as George Lucas.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Stop talking about George Lucas!!!!!

 

Tempers are beginning to fray.

 

EXT.  CAMPSITE  --  DAY

 

LUCY and RICKY and FRED reach an open area that is fit for a campsite.  Lucy notices an ominous noise.

 

                                                            LUCY

                                    Listen!  What's that noise?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    What noise?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It's getting louder!  Can't you hear it?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    No!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It sounds like it's right on top of us.  How can 
                                    you not hear it?

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Maybe I could hear it if Fred would stop playing 
                                    with that Thunder Tube.

 

FRED is indeed playing with a Thunder Tube -  a hollow device with a metal coil on the end that makes weird sounds.  LUCY grabs if from FRED and hits him on the head with it.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    You moron!

 

LUCY looks around and sees that it is getting dark.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    It's getting dark.  We'd better camp for the night.

 

As they begin to pitch a tent, Lucy gets an uneasy feeling.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Sometimes, I get the weirdest feeling, . . . like 
                                    someone's watching us.

 

From behind the surrounding trees and rocks, fantastic creatures stick their heads out and look at the kids.  There are vampires, witches, werewolves, monsters, apes, Santa Claus - whatever the wardrobe and makeup budget can handle.

 

EXT.  INTERIOR OF THE TENT --  NIGHT

 

It's a dark, dark night.  The three film makers share a tent.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Listen!!!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    What?

 

                                                            FRED
                                    I don't hear anything.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    You don't hear anything?????

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Just the normal sounds you hear in the woods.  
                                   
You've got to expect the local critters to make 
                                    some noise.

 

At first, we hear CRICKETS CHIRPING.  Then AN OWL HOOTS.  Then a LION ROARS.  An ELEPHANT TRUMPETS.  TARZAN GIVES HIS JUNGLE CRY.  A WOMAN SCREAMS!  GUNFIRE ERUPTS.  A WORLD WAR II PLANE DOES A STRAFING RUN!  BOMBS EXPLODE!  RAY GUN FIRE!

 

Lucy sticks her head outside the tent and yells:

 

                                                            LUCY
                                                (shouting at the top of her lungs)
                                    Shut up out there!!!  We're trying to get some sleep!!!

 

All the mysterious noises stop.

 

EXT.  A PATH IN THE WOODS  --  DAY

 

The next morning, the three film makers are walking through the woods.  RICKY is in the lead, with his back to the camera.  He is followed by LUCY, who is followed by FRED, who is shooting the scene.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Are you sure this is the way to where the cabin's 
                                    supposed to be.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I think so.  But I'm having a little trouble because 
                                    of my depth perception.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    What do you mean?  What's the matter with your 
                                    depth perception.

 

RICKY turns around.  One his eyes has been mysteriously replaced with a wooden eye!

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    Are you making fun of my wood eye!  Don't you 
                                    make fun of my wood eye!  Don't you say anything 
                                    about my wood eye, if you know what's good for 
                                    you!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Okay!  Okay!  Calm down!

 

RICKY turns back and walks along the path.  LUCY falls back to confer with FRED.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Did you ever notice before that he has a wooden 
                                    eye?

 

                                                            FRED
                                    No.  I never noticed that.  But sometimes I miss 
                                    these things.  It took me fifteen years before I noticed 
                                    my father only has one nostril.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    This is so weird!  I would have sworn he had 
                                    two normal eyes!  You know, this could actually 
                                    help the film.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    How do you mean?

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Instead of just being a horror film about a guy with 
                                    a wooden eye, this could promoted as an insightful, 
                                    sensitive, caring project this is both by and about a 
                                    man with an artificial eye.  A man dealing with his 
                                    inner demons and his wooden eye.  A man who is 
                                    not afraid to look his own wooden eye in the face 
                                    and see the truth!

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Wow.  We've got to send a copy to Peter Falk.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Absolutely!

 

RICKY calls back to FRED and LUCY.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    You two better not be talking about my eye!!!

 

EXT.   CAMPSITE IN THE WOODS  --  DAY

 

LUCY is talking to RICKY.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I wasn't trying to 
                                    make fun of you.  I never even noticed before 
                                    that you had a wooden eye.  It seems kind of 
                                    obvious now, but before it fooled me completely.  
                                   
It must look very natural under certain light.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    You knew!  You always knew.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    I didn't!  I swear.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                                (sarcastic)
                                    Yeah. Right.  Next you'll be telling me you didn't 
                                    know he has a wooden eye either.

 

RICKY points into the camera, indicated FRED who is filming the scene.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    What are you talking about?  He doesn't have 
                                    a wooden eye.

 

                                                            FRED
                                                (off-camera)
                                    What do you mean I don't have a wooden eye?  
                                   
Are you kidding me? 

 

FRED hands off the camera to RICKY, who aims the camera at FRED, showing that he now has a wooden eye.

 

                                                            FRED
                                    I've got a wood eye, just like he's got a wood eye.
                                   
It's why we agreed to do this film, isn't it?  Don't 
                                    pretend you don't remember!  We asked you if you 
                                    would like us to work on your film, and you said, 
                                    "Would I?  Would I?"  And we said, "Hairy lip!  
                                   
Hairy lip!"  Don't pretend you forgot that!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                                (off camera)
                                    That's hare lip!  Not hairy lip!  Hare lip!

 

                                                            FRED
                                    Looks pretty hairy to me.

 

RICKY turns his camera on LUCY, revealing that she now has a huge mustache!  She slowly reaches up and feels the hair on her upper lip, and screams in terror.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    What's happened to me?  I got a hairy lip! 
                                    never had a hairy lip before.

 

RICKY hands her the camera. 

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    And you. . . All your eyes are wood eyes!

 

She turns the camera on her fellow film makers.  Now each of them has two wooden eyes.  They stumble blindly through the woods, like crazed zombies.  Being blind, the GUYS keep waking into trees, tripping over shrubs, etc.

 

                                                            RICKY & FRED
                                    Wood Eye!  Wood Eye!  Wood Eye!

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Hair lip!  Hair lip!  Hair lip!

 

They stumble along until they exit the woods, onto a busy road.

 

EXT.  CIVILIZATION  --  DAY

 

They're out of the woods.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Oh, look!  Civilization.

 

RICKY and FRED pull of their fake wooden eyes, and LUCY pulls off her fake mustache.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    I'm glad that's over with.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Now we can sell this baby and be big time film 
                                    makers.

 

                                                            RICKY
                                    We'll have the studios pounding on our doors.

 

                                                            LUCY
                                    Offering us six picture deals!

 

                                                            FRED
                                    We'll be bigger than Jar-Jar Binks!

 

                                                                                                        JUMP CUT TO:

 

INT.  ALICE'S BEDROOM --  DAY

 

ALICE speaks into the video camera:

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    But they were never heard from again!  So now 
                                    I'm going to go with my film crew and try to find 
                                    out what happened to them.

 

EXT.  THE EDGE OF THE WOODS  --  DAY

 

ALICE and the two guys in her film crew, RALPH and ED, enter the woods.  They hand their videocamera back and forth.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Okay, here we are, going into the same woods 
                                    that the first three film students went into.

 

The camera pans around the woods.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    You guys see anything?

 

                                                            RALPH

                                    Nope!

 

                                                            ED
                                    Not me.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Okay, let's get out of here.

 

They leave the woods.

 

EXT. --  OUTSIDE THE GATE OF A MAJOR FILM STUDIO --  DAY

 

Alice and Ed stand outside the entrance to a major film studio, while Ralph goes up to talk to the guard at the gate.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    There were rumors that the film makers came 
                                    here to try to sell their film, so we're going to try to 
                                    get inside to talk to some film executives.

 

Ralph comes back.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    So what did he tell you?  Can we go inside?  What 
                                    did he say?

 

                                                            RALPH
                                    If we did what he said we should do - this would be 
                                    a porno film.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Let's try another studio.

 

EXT. --  STREET NEAR THE STUDIO --   DAY

 

Alice and Ed are looking at the place on the street where they parked their car, but there's no car there.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Where's my car?  What happened to my car?

 

                                                            RALPH

                                    Don't look at us.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    A car does not just disappear!  It doesn't drive 
                                    off by itself.    My wallet and all my credit cards 
                                    were in that car.  Everything but the forty bucks 
                                    in my back pocket.

 

                                                            ED
                                    Maybe the Hare Lip took it.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    That is not funny.  That is the unfunniest thing I ever 
                                    heard!

 

                                                            RALPH
                                    Or maybe you shouldn't have parked it in tow away 
                                    zone.

 

RALPH points to a sign that says this is a tow-away zone.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Okay.  We'll take a cab to the next studio.

 

She reaches into her back pocket to find some money.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Where's my money?  I had forty dollars in my 
                                    back pocket!!!  Where is it?

 

                                                            RALPH
                                    You don't have any money?

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    This isn't funny!  Did you take my money?

 

                                                            RALPH
                                    No!

 

She turns to Ed.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Did you take it?

 

                                                            ED
                                    No!  I swear!  I never touched your money.  
                                   
Absolutely not!  I swear on my mother's grave!  
                                   
On my father's grave!  I swear on the graves of 
                                    everyone I have every known and loved that I did 
                                    not take your money.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    You didn't take it?

 

                                                            ED
                                    Okay, I did.  I bought some lottery tickets with it.

 

ALICE leaps at ED to strangle him, but RALPH holds her back.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    I'll kill you!  I'll kill you!

 

                                                            RALPH
                                    Take it easy.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    I don't have any money left!

 

                                                            RALPH
                                    We'll think of something.

 

EXT.  FREEWAY OFF-RAMP  --  DAY

 

ALICE and RALPH are holding up signs which say:  WILL FILM DOCUMENTARY FOR FOOD.  They aren't getting any takers.

 

EXT.  A LONELY STREET IN A BAD AREA OF LOS ANGELES  --  EVENING

 

ALICE and RALPH are walking down a street.  ALICE notice that Ed isn't there.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Where's Ed?  What happened to Ed?  Ed!  Ed!  
                                   
He's gone.  He disappeared, and now we're going 
                                    to disappear!  We're all going to disappear and never 
                                    be heard from again, like those first three film makers.  
                                   
I'm so sorry.  It's all my fault.  You and Ed were so 
                                    wonderful.  You came to make this film for me, and 
                                    it's my fault you're never going to be heard from again.  
                                   
Please forgive me.

 

ED strides up to her.  He has a fist full of money.

 

                                                            ED
                                    Guess what?  We won five hundred bucks in the 
                                    lottery.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    Give me that, you moron!

 

She grabs the money.

 

EXT.  OUTDOOR RESTAURANT  --  EVENING

 

RALPH, ED and ALICE are seated at an outdoor cafe, waiting for the dinner they've just ordered.

 

                                                            RALPH
                                    So, you think we're ever going to find out what 
                                    happened to those first film students?

 

                                                            ED
                                    We know what happened to them.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    What?

 

                                                            ED
                                    They were never heard from again!

 

LUCY, RICKY and FRED walk by in the background, taking orders and delivering meals.  They've all become waiters.

 

                                                            RALPH
                                    Well, who cares?  Based on the film they left behind, 
                                    they weren't very good film makers anyway.

 

                                                            ALICE
                                    You're right.  Our film is much better.

 

LUCY, RICKY and FRED glare at ALICE, RALPH and ED.

 

                                                            ED
                                    Our "Hare Lip Project" will make us famous as the 
                                    greatest documentary film makers of all time!!!

 

 

FADE OUT!

 

A LEGEND APPEARS ON THE SCREEN

 

 

BUT THEY WERE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN!

 

NONE OF THEM.

 

WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP!

 

 

2000 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.

 

 

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