THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
"Judith of the Jungle Returns!"
by Richard Nathan
Before the lights come up, a voice introduces the story:
At age twenty-five, Judith Weinberger was
one of the most promising creative executives
in Hollywood. Then a script she passed on
became a mega-blockbuster at another
studio. Scorned by the people she thought
were her friends, Judith Weinberger left
Hollywood, never to be seen at the studios
again. But now, ten years later, in Africa, she
is a legend! She is... JUDITH OF THE
Lights come up on JUDITH OF THE JUNGLE, doing her nails. Enter DAVID, a Hollywood director down on his luck. He carries a small overnight luggage bag.
Judith of the Jungle! Thank goodness you're here!
Judith smiles, then looks concerned.
David! Bubbellah! Did you bring it? Tell me you
brought it! Hand it over!
David, did I or did I not tell you that you could visit
me subject to one condition?
Oh! Right! Of course!
David reaches into his luggage and takes out a pastrami on rye sandwich, which he hands to Judith. She immediately bites into it.
Straight to you from Greenblatt's Deli in Los
I swear to God, I love Africa with all my heart,
but the people here just can't make a decent
pastrami on rye! Why is that?
Judith, if you'll come back to L.A., you can have
all the pastrami on rye you could ever want.
Never! I never want to see those goniffs again!
But I need you! You were the best creative exec
ever! You're the only one who could find
properties that were both appealing to a mass
audience and intelligent!
Intelligent! Feh! Who wants intelligent these
days? Would intelligent people pay eight bucks
for popcorn? Intelligent movies are for shmendriks,
which is why I came to Africa!
But I need you, Judith. My career's in the
toilet because I can't choose the projects
today's audiences want to see!
You think I could do any better? Today's
audiences, they're all ....
Enter the WARDEN from Judith's private animal sanctuary.
Judith! Thank goodness you're here! Your old
enemy has returned!
Which one? I have enemies like a lion has fleas.
I mean your greatest enemy!
Yes indeed! Shiksa, Queen of the Lost Tribe
of the Goyim People. She is threatening to
lead an army of Goyim People to take over your
Oy gevalt! Sorry, David, I've got to go handle this.
Judith hands the half-eaten sandwich to the Warden.
Save that for me!
She runs out. The Warden and David also exit. After a moment, a SHIKSA enters from one side of the stage. Judith enters from the other side, and they confront each other.
That's Queen Shiksa to you! I am the Queen of the
Lost Tribe of the Goyim People!
So where's your tribe?
Lost! I told them a million times to take the bus going
East from the airport!
But this is West of the Airport!
It's still their fault! They should know by now I can't
Shiksa, why do you give me so much tsooris?
What did I ever do to you?
You ask that, after ruining my life?
I ruined your life??? You were the worst secretary I
Assistant! I was your assistant!
But you did everything wrong! You could never get
the copier to work or take down my messages, and
still, out of the goodness of my heart, I never fired
you! And for that, you say I ruined your life!
You were supposed to take me with you to the top!
When you quit the business, I had no where to go!
No one wanted anyone who had been associated with
you! I was treated like a leopard.
Leper! You mean Leper!
I mean leopard! Everyone was scared to go anywhere
near me, like you'd be scared of a leopard! Why do
you always treat me like such an idiot?
Judith! I can't wait anymore! I need you to tell me
which script I should choose as my next
David! I've got it! The solution to everyone's
problems! Meet Shiksa, you're new development
Of course you! Who better than someone like you
to find the scripts that will appeal to today's audiences!
Will you do it, Shiksa? I can start you off at Two
Hundred Thousand a year.
Okay, but only if I get points!
Points! You're asking for points!
Give her net. She's worth net points.
It's a deal!
Now that we've got all that settled, I'm going to go
finish my pastrami sandwich!
Judith runs out.
Isn't she great?
She's not chopped liver!!!
here to go to more
THEATER OF THRILLS AND HIGH ADVENTURE!
© 2005 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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