"LAUGHING IT
UP"
by Richard Nathan
A film has been made of "Laughing It Up." The script here is not exactly the same as the script that was filmed; it is the script as revised by me.
INT. CLOSE UP OF A LARGE BIRTHDAY CAKE
A large birthday cake is covered with candles. A young woman's elegant hand, holding a lit match, lights one of the candles. As this hand pulls away, another woman's hand with another match lights another candle. More and more feminine hands light candles as the MAIN TITLES and OPENING CREDITS are superimposed on the screen.
EXT. KARL PECKHAM'S HOUSE -- DAY
A sports car glides up the driveway to the house of KARL PECKHAM, retired comedian. ERNEST MILLS< a young reporter from "Remember" Magazine parks his car and strides up to the front door.
Superimpose title on screen: 1992.
EXT. PECKHAM'S FRONT DOOR -- DAY
Mills rings the doorbell. There's no response. The voice of Karl Peckham comes from an intercom unit next to the front door.
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
Who's there? If you're not young and female, go
away! I'm not dead yet!
Mills speaks into the intercom unit.
MILLS
Mr. Peckham? It's Earnest Mills from "Remember"
Magazine.
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
I don't want any subscriptions.
MILLS
I'm not selling subscriptions?
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
You wanna buy some? I can get you "Time"
for five years, or I can get you "Life." Or if you
leave me alone, I can get you probation.
MILLS
You promised me an interview!
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
Okay. Do you think a girl should have sex
she gets married? What if it makes her late for
the ceremony? What if she just skips the ceremony
and goes straight to the divorce? What do you
think of foreign affairs, especially if your wife
finds out?
MILLS
I want to interview you!
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
Why? I'm nothing but a feeble, tired...
MILLS
You're one of the greatest comedians of all time!
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
... hysterically funny old man.
MILLS
I want to tell the world what you're thinking
about on your ninety-second birthday.
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
I'm thinking... about group sex with teenaged
girls.
MILLS
At your age?
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
At my age thinking about it is all I've got left.
MILLS
Want to think about it together?
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
Come on in.
There's a BUZZING and the door unlocks. Mills opens the door and enter.
INT. PECKHAM'S FRONT HALLWAY -- DAY
PECKHAM is a ninety-two year old man. He wears baggy pants and a sweatshirt that says in large letters "CRAPE DIEM" and in smaller letters "another crappy day." Peckham totters into the hallway to greet Mills.
MILLS
Happy Birthday, Mr. Peckham.
PECKHAM
Where's my present? When you say, "Happy
Birthday," you're supposed to give a present.
MILLS
What would you like?
PECKHAM
An erection.
MILLS
I'm afraid I'm fresh out of erections.
PECKHAM
You too? I didn't run out until I was seventy-eight.
On my seventy-eighth birthday, a friend sent me a
prostitute. She gave me a great big juicy kiss, and then
she said, "It is hard?" I said, "It isn't just hard, it's
impossible."
MILLS
That's an old joke.
PECKHAM
What do you want? I'm an old man. A ninety-two
year old man. My doctor says I have hypo-gonadism.
I think that means my gonads are only hypothetical.
Peckham leads Mills into his house.
INT. PECKHAM'S DEN -- DAY
PECKHAM
Have a chair. I'll have a chair too. Chair and chair
alike, I always say.
They both sit.
MILLS
This is a nice house. Did you build it?
PECKHAM
Nah! I just paid for it.
MILLS
I mean, was it built for you? Were you the
first owner?
PECKHAM
Yeah. It cost me my entire salary for six
pictures, six big comedies.
MILLS
So you paid for this house with laughter?
PECKHAM
No, the builders wanted cash.
Mills takes out a portable tape recorder and turns it on.
MILLS
Let's talk about comedy!
PECKHAM
No, let's talk about sex. It's my birthday.
Let me choose the topic of conversation.
MILLS
You seem obsessed with sex.
PECKHAM
Can you think of anything better to be obsessed
with? Sex is what separates the men from the
boys...
MILLS
But...
PECKHAM
Unless you like boys. Actually, sex is what separates
the men from the old men. Sex is what separates
everyone from the old men.
MILLS
All right. When did you first become interested in sex?
PECKHAM
I was always interested, even as a kid. Kids had toys,
but grown-ups had sex. I knew the grown-ups were
going to keep the best stuff for themselves, so I knew
sex had to be the greatest, the most precious, the most
wonderful thing in the world. You know, like the way your
generation feels about money.
MILLS
What was your first sexual experience?
PECKHAM
That was the lady who lived across the alley, when I
was growing up in Brooklyn. She was the sexiest looking
woman I'd seen in my entire life.
MILLS
Sounds exciting.
PECKHAM
My doctor says I'm not allowed to remember it.
There is a pause while Peckham thinks about the lady.
MILLS
How old were you?
PECKHAM
Ten and a half. All I wanted in the world was
just to look at her.
INT. PECKHAM'S BOYHOOD APARTMENT -- DAY
This is the first of many flashbacks. Peckham is now a ten year old boy. PECKHAM (CHILD) sits on the floor of a lower middle-class apartment, playing with a PUPPY.
A window in the apartment looks directly into the apartment across the alley.
Superimpose title on screen: 1910.
PECKHAM (CHILD)
You're a good dog, Rex. Good dog!
In the other apartment, seen through the window, a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN walks in. The child Peckham notices her, and speaks to his dog.
PECKHAM (CHILD)
Look, Rex! It's her!
Unaware she has left the shades up, the woman starts to undress. The boy can't believe what he is seeing.
PECKHAM (CHILD)
(whispering)
Rex, if you bark, I'll kill you. Please, please, please,
God, don't let her stop! Please. You're God; you
get to see naked people whenever you want! But
I've never...
At that moment, the woman (who is half-undressed) turns and notices the boy. She is at first surprised, then amused. The boy is horrified. The woman stares at the boy. He doesn't know what to do. Finally he goes over to the window and speaks to her.
PECKHAM (CHILD)
Hello. My name is Karl. We're neighbors. It's
nice to see you... No! I mean, it isn't! ... I mean,
it is nice, but I'm sorry about it. ... Maybe you'd
like me to go away.
The woman smiles.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
You're very funny.
She decides to give the boy a gift. She finishes undressing. It isn't coarse or vulgar, just natural and beautiful.
PECKHAM
(V.O. from the old man)
And there, revealed to me for the first time, was
woman's naked form in all of its terrible beauty, the
most magnificent and powerful sight in all the world.
All my life, every time a woman has taken off her
clothes for me, I've felt I was witnessing a miracle.
Each time, I want to cry.
INT. PECKHAM'S DEN -- DAY
The flashback is over and we're back to the interview.
PECKHAM
Unfortunately, crying usually makes them put
their clothes back on.
MILLS
Did your parents ever find out?
PECKHAM
No, and it was a good thing too. They
had very old-fashioned ideas about sex,
especially my mother. She believed sex
angered the volcano gods.
MILLS
But you grew up in Brooklyn. There are no
volcanoes in Brooklyn.
PECKHAM
There wasn't much sex either. At least not in
my neighborhood. I remember one time my
mother caught me playing with myself. She made
my dad have a long talk with me.
INT. PECKHAM'S BOYHOOD APARTMENT -- NIGHT
Peckham's FATHER is lecturing straight into the camera. He is a middle-aged man, dressed in lower middle class 19180 style clothes.
FATHER
You'll go blind if you keep playing with yourself!
You hear me? You'll go blind!
PECKHAM (CHILD)
I'm over here, Papa.
FATHER
Huh?
The camera dollies back to show that the Father has been lecturing to an empty overcoat left on an otherwise empty chair. The boy sits across the room. His Father puts on a pair of very thick eyeglasses and turns to his son.
FATHER
If you don't stop this terrible habit now, you'll
never stop. You won't ever want to do anything
else. You'd rather do it than eat! You'd rather
do it than sleep! You'd even prefer it to working!
And what happens if you don't work? You wind
up a bum, playing with yourself in a gutter! And
even then you won't stop until you die of
exhaustion!
PECKHAM
(V.O. from the old man)
It sounded like so much fun, I decided never to quit.
INT. PECKHAM'S DEN -- DAY
The flashback is over and we're back to the interview.
MILLS
What about when you were older? What was
sex like in high school.
PECKHAM
Like a fantasy! Just like a fantasy! Nothing
real every happened.
EXT. OUTSIDE A HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
It's 1917, right after school has gotten out. Groups of STUDENTS exit the school, talking to each other. Apart from them, KARL (Peckham as a seventeen year old), stands alone, gazing at an attractive girl names LAURA. Then another GIRL in one of the groups notices Karl.
Superimpose title on screen: 1917.
GIRL
Hey, Karl! That was a funny gag you pulled in
History!
KARL
I just have trouble believing Nathan Hale's only
regret was that he had but one life to give for
his country. Would he really have been that
much happier if they could have hanged him
twice? No, I think his real regret was that he
had only his own life to give for his country. He
was wishing he could have given his cousin
Louie's life, or Aunt Bertha's, or Uncle Herman
Hale. That's what he really regretted.
A group of students laugh appreciatively.
GIRL
That was great, Karl.
They all start to leave.
KARL
Wait! Stick around! I've got more!
A BOY puts his are around the Girl who's been laughing so hard at Karl's jokes.
BOY
No thanks. We're all going to go over to
Suzie's house, turn out the lights, and feel each
other up.
GIRL
Bye!
The crowd of students that was listening to Karl all go off, leaving him alone again. He sighs sadly. Then he notices that Laura is still around, talking to a group of girls. Karl's friend HERBY walks up to him.
HERBY
Go on, Karl! Why don't you ask her out?
KARL
What if she said, "no"?
HERBY
Would you be any worse off then than you are
now?
KARL
Sure. Now I just feel alone. If she rejected me,
I'd feel alone, ashamed, anguished, alienated, and that's
just the "a"s.
Herby gives Karl a push. Karl reluctantly goes over to talk to Laura. He is terrified. The other girls leave, and Karl speaks to Laura.
KARL
Um... Hello, Laura. I was thinking how nice
it might be to spend some time with you sometime,
but... uh, if I ever asked you out I'd probably
say something awkward like, "Hi, Laura. You
wouldn't want to... No, of course you wouldn't.
I'm sorry. You wouldn't.. would you... go
out with me?" But then, maybe you might say,
"Don't be so shy, Karl!" And I'd say, You mean
you will go out with me?" And you'd say, "Why
not?" And then we could go out with each other
and we might actually have a great time!"
Karl stops talking and looks at her. She can't quite decide what to make of him.
KARL
So?
LAURA
So?
He decides he might as well give it a shot.
KARL
Hi, Laura. You wouldn't want to... No,
of course you wouldn't. I'm sorry. You
wouldn't.. would you... go out with me?
LAURA
I'd sooner kiss a pig. And I keep kosher!
She walks off. Karl walks off with Herby in the opposite direction.
KARL
Bleak. Burdened. Bruised. Bitter.
MILLS
(V.O.)
Did you ever fall in love?
EXT. A CITY STREET -- DAY
It's 1918. Karl is running down the street to catch up with CAROL MARTINS, an extremely attractive young girl who is walking home from school. To Karl, she is a goddess.
Karl has a load of books under his arm. Carl doesn't carry any books.
Superimpose title on screen: 1918.
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
I did. My senior year in high school. Her name
was Carol, and she was a goddess. But I never
knew what to say to her. What can you say to
a goddess?
Karl catches up to Carol and speaks to her.
KARL
Would you mind if I sacrificed a goat to you?
CAROL
It wouldn't bother me, but I don't think the
goat would like it.
KARL
My name's Karl Peckham. I'm in your theater
arts class.
CAROL
I know. You're the one who did the speech from
"Romeo and Juliet" with an Italian accent.
KARL
So? It takes place in Italy, doesn't it?
Karl breaks into a bad burlesque of an Italian accent, and Carol smiles at his performance.
KARL
"But-a soft! What's-a that light through yonder
window she breaks? It's-a the East, and Juliet,
she's-a the sun!
Carol applauds.
KARL
Would you like to hear "Hamlet" with a Swedish
accent?
CAROL
Hamlet wasn't a Swede. He was a Dane.
KARL
I can't do Danish.
CAROL
What makes you think you can do Italian? "And
let hose that play your clowns speak no more
than is set down for them." That's from "Hamlet."
KARL
That's wonderful you know all that. I don't
suppose, by any chance, you're not doing anything
tonight?
CAROL
Why do you ask?
KARL
Oh, I don't know. I thought maybe you might like
to go for a walk, have dinner, get married.
CAROL
(smiling)
I don't think so.
KARL
Can I carry your books for you?
CAROL
I haven't got any books.
KARL
Take some of mine!
CAROL
You really are relentless, aren't you?
KARL
You want relent? I can relent? What kind of
relenting do you want?
CAROL
Don't be so serious!
KARL
Who's serious? I've been joking since this
conversation started!
CAROL
That's your way of being serious! You think
because you're joking, you can be as serious as
want about anything?
KARL
How about if I only tell jokes that aren't funny?
CAROL
I thought that's what you were doing. Anyway, I
have to get to my acting class.
KARL
Oh?
CAROL
I'm going to be a serious dramatic actress some day.
KARL
A serious actress? Does that mean you'll tell jokes?
CAROL
(smiling)
Maybe.
KARL
Can I walk you to your class?
CAROL
Karl, I'm sorry if I was critical just now. You're funny
and you can tell all the jokes you want. But don't get
serious about me.
KARL
Why not?
CAROL
Because I won't get serious about you. I won't get
serious about anything but become a great actress.
KARL
Can we at least be friends?
CAROL
I'm counting on it. See you in school tomorrow.
They smile at each other, and she walks away. As soon as she rounds a corner, Karl lets himself fully experience the rapture of true love.
KARL
I'm in friendship! I'm in friendship!
He jumps up onto a lamppost and swings around it, like Gene Kelly in "Singing In The Rain." Unlike Kelly's lamppost, the glass at the top of this one comes loose. It falls and smashes on Karl's head.
Karl falls off the lamppost and into a trash can, which tips over and goes rolling down the street. It crashes into a wall where Herby is standing.
HERBY
Some girl dump you in the trash again?
KARL
No! It's wonderful! She wants to be my
friend!
HERBY
Karl, you're gonna get something better than
friendship tonight. I'm taking you to a place
where you can't miss! Madam Heller's!
Herby helps the dazed Karl out of the trash can.
EXT. A STREET IN FRONT OF A WHOREHOUSE -- NIGHT
Karl and Herby are walking up to a house of prostitution. Karl is very nervous.
KARL
I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
HERBY
What's the matter? Don't you want to become
a man?
KARL
No! Are you kidding? If you're a man, they send
you to Europe to be shot at. I'm going to wait until
the war's over to become a man! Now, if you'll
excuse me, I'm going home to play with my blocks.
Karl tries to leave, but Herby grabs him by the back of his shirt, and Karl nearly falls down as Herby yanks him back.
HERBY
You're going to become a man tonight, so just
relax!
They come to the door. Herby knocks. Madam Heller opens the door. She is a formidable woman.
&nbs