"LAUGHING IT
UP"
by Richard Nathan
A film has been made of "Laughing It Up." The script here is not exactly the same as the script that was filmed; it is the script as revised by me.
INT. CLOSE UP OF A LARGE BIRTHDAY CAKE
A large birthday cake is covered with candles. A young woman's elegant hand, holding a lit match, lights one of the candles. As this hand pulls away, another woman's hand with another match lights another candle. More and more feminine hands light candles as the MAIN TITLES and OPENING CREDITS are superimposed on the screen.
EXT. KARL PECKHAM'S HOUSE -- DAY
A sports car glides up the driveway to the house of KARL PECKHAM, retired comedian. ERNEST MILLS< a young reporter from "Remember" Magazine parks his car and strides up to the front door.
Superimpose title on screen: 1992.
EXT. PECKHAM'S FRONT DOOR -- DAY
Mills rings the doorbell. There's no response. The voice of Karl Peckham comes from an intercom unit next to the front door.
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
Who's there? If you're not young and female, go
away! I'm not dead yet!
Mills speaks into the intercom unit.
MILLS
Mr. Peckham? It's Earnest Mills from "Remember"
Magazine.
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
I don't want any subscriptions.
MILLS
I'm not selling subscriptions?
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
You wanna buy some? I can get you "Time"
for five years, or I can get you "Life." Or if you
leave me alone, I can get you probation.
MILLS
You promised me an interview!
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
Okay. Do you think a girl should have sex
she gets married? What if it makes her late for
the ceremony? What if she just skips the ceremony
and goes straight to the divorce? What do you
think of foreign affairs, especially if your wife
finds out?
MILLS
I want to interview you!
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
Why? I'm nothing but a feeble, tired...
MILLS
You're one of the greatest comedians of all time!
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
... hysterically funny old man.
MILLS
I want to tell the world what you're thinking
about on your ninety-second birthday.
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
I'm thinking... about group sex with teenaged
girls.
MILLS
At your age?
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
At my age thinking about it is all I've got left.
MILLS
Want to think about it together?
PECKHAM
(O.S.)
Come on in.
There's a BUZZING and the door unlocks. Mills opens the door and enter.
INT. PECKHAM'S FRONT HALLWAY -- DAY
PECKHAM is a ninety-two year old man. He wears baggy pants and a sweatshirt that says in large letters "CRAPE DIEM" and in smaller letters "another crappy day." Peckham totters into the hallway to greet Mills.
MILLS
Happy Birthday, Mr. Peckham.
PECKHAM
Where's my present? When you say, "Happy
Birthday," you're supposed to give a present.
MILLS
What would you like?
PECKHAM
An erection.
MILLS
I'm afraid I'm fresh out of erections.
PECKHAM
You too? I didn't run out until I was seventy-eight.
On my seventy-eighth birthday, a friend sent me a
prostitute. She gave me a great big juicy kiss, and then
she said, "It is hard?" I said, "It isn't just hard, it's
impossible."
MILLS
That's an old joke.
PECKHAM
What do you want? I'm an old man. A ninety-two
year old man. My doctor says I have hypo-gonadism.
I think that means my gonads are only hypothetical.
Peckham leads Mills into his house.
INT. PECKHAM'S DEN -- DAY
PECKHAM
Have a chair. I'll have a chair too. Chair and chair
alike, I always say.
They both sit.
MILLS
This is a nice house. Did you build it?
PECKHAM
Nah! I just paid for it.
MILLS
I mean, was it built for you? Were you the
first owner?
PECKHAM
Yeah. It cost me my entire salary for six
pictures, six big comedies.
MILLS
So you paid for this house with laughter?
PECKHAM
No, the builders wanted cash.
Mills takes out a portable tape recorder and turns it on.
MILLS
Let's talk about comedy!
PECKHAM
No, let's talk about sex. It's my birthday.
Let me choose the topic of conversation.
MILLS
You seem obsessed with sex.
PECKHAM
Can you think of anything better to be obsessed
with? Sex is what separates the men from the
boys...
MILLS
But...
PECKHAM
Unless you like boys. Actually, sex is what separates
the men from the old men. Sex is what separates
everyone from the old men.
MILLS
All right. When did you first become interested in sex?
PECKHAM
I was always interested, even as a kid. Kids had toys,
but grown-ups had sex. I knew the grown-ups were
going to keep the best stuff for themselves, so I knew
sex had to be the greatest, the most precious, the most
wonderful thing in the world. You know, like the way your
generation feels about money.
MILLS
What was your first sexual experience?
PECKHAM
That was the lady who lived across the alley, when I
was growing up in Brooklyn. She was the sexiest looking
woman I'd seen in my entire life.
MILLS
Sounds exciting.
PECKHAM
My doctor says I'm not allowed to remember it.
There is a pause while Peckham thinks about the lady.
MILLS
How old were you?
PECKHAM
Ten and a half. All I wanted in the world was
just to look at her.
INT. PECKHAM'S BOYHOOD APARTMENT -- DAY
This is the first of many flashbacks. Peckham is now a ten year old boy. PECKHAM (CHILD) sits on the floor of a lower middle-class apartment, playing with a PUPPY.
A window in the apartment looks directly into the apartment across the alley.
Superimpose title on screen: 1910.
PECKHAM (CHILD)
You're a good dog, Rex. Good dog!
In the other apartment, seen through the window, a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN walks in. The child Peckham notices her, and speaks to his dog.
PECKHAM (CHILD)
Look, Rex! It's her!
Unaware she has left the shades up, the woman starts to undress. The boy can't believe what he is seeing.
PECKHAM (CHILD)
(whispering)
Rex, if you bark, I'll kill you. Please, please, please,
God, don't let her stop! Please. You're God; you
get to see naked people whenever you want! But
I've never...
At that moment, the woman (who is half-undressed) turns and notices the boy. She is at first surprised, then amused. The boy is horrified. The woman stares at the boy. He doesn't know what to do. Finally he goes over to the window and speaks to her.
PECKHAM (CHILD)
Hello. My name is Karl. We're neighbors. It's
nice to see you... No! I mean, it isn't! ... I mean,
it is nice, but I'm sorry about it. ... Maybe you'd
like me to go away.
The woman smiles.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
You're very funny.
She decides to give the boy a gift. She finishes undressing. It isn't coarse or vulgar, just natural and beautiful.
PECKHAM
(V.O. from the old man)
And there, revealed to me for the first time, was
woman's naked form in all of its terrible beauty, the
most magnificent and powerful sight in all the world.
All my life, every time a woman has taken off her
clothes for me, I've felt I was witnessing a miracle.
Each time, I want to cry.
INT. PECKHAM'S DEN -- DAY
The flashback is over and we're back to the interview.
PECKHAM
Unfortunately, crying usually makes them put
their clothes back on.
MILLS
Did your parents ever find out?
PECKHAM
No, and it was a good thing too. They
had very old-fashioned ideas about sex,
especially my mother. She believed sex
angered the volcano gods.
MILLS
But you grew up in Brooklyn. There are no
volcanoes in Brooklyn.
PECKHAM
There wasn't much sex either. At least not in
my neighborhood. I remember one time my
mother caught me playing with myself. She made
my dad have a long talk with me.
INT. PECKHAM'S BOYHOOD APARTMENT -- NIGHT
Peckham's FATHER is lecturing straight into the camera. He is a middle-aged man, dressed in lower middle class 19180 style clothes.
FATHER
You'll go blind if you keep playing with yourself!
You hear me? You'll go blind!
PECKHAM (CHILD)
I'm over here, Papa.
FATHER
Huh?
The camera dollies back to show that the Father has been lecturing to an empty overcoat left on an otherwise empty chair. The boy sits across the room. His Father puts on a pair of very thick eyeglasses and turns to his son.
FATHER
If you don't stop this terrible habit now, you'll
never stop. You won't ever want to do anything
else. You'd rather do it than eat! You'd rather
do it than sleep! You'd even prefer it to working!
And what happens if you don't work? You wind
up a bum, playing with yourself in a gutter! And
even then you won't stop until you die of
exhaustion!
PECKHAM
(V.O. from the old man)
It sounded like so much fun, I decided never to quit.
INT. PECKHAM'S DEN -- DAY
The flashback is over and we're back to the interview.
MILLS
What about when you were older? What was
sex like in high school.
PECKHAM
Like a fantasy! Just like a fantasy! Nothing
real every happened.
EXT. OUTSIDE A HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
It's 1917, right after school has gotten out. Groups of STUDENTS exit the school, talking to each other. Apart from them, KARL (Peckham as a seventeen year old), stands alone, gazing at an attractive girl names LAURA. Then another GIRL in one of the groups notices Karl.
Superimpose title on screen: 1917.
GIRL
Hey, Karl! That was a funny gag you pulled in
History!
KARL
I just have trouble believing Nathan Hale's only
regret was that he had but one life to give for
his country. Would he really have been that
much happier if they could have hanged him
twice? No, I think his real regret was that he
had only his own life to give for his country. He
was wishing he could have given his cousin
Louie's life, or Aunt Bertha's, or Uncle Herman
Hale. That's what he really regretted.
A group of students laugh appreciatively.
GIRL
That was great, Karl.
They all start to leave.
KARL
Wait! Stick around! I've got more!
A BOY puts his are around the Girl who's been laughing so hard at Karl's jokes.
BOY
No thanks. We're all going to go over to
Suzie's house, turn out the lights, and feel each
other up.
GIRL
Bye!
The crowd of students that was listening to Karl all go off, leaving him alone again. He sighs sadly. Then he notices that Laura is still around, talking to a group of girls. Karl's friend HERBY walks up to him.
HERBY
Go on, Karl! Why don't you ask her out?
KARL
What if she said, "no"?
HERBY
Would you be any worse off then than you are
now?
KARL
Sure. Now I just feel alone. If she rejected me,
I'd feel alone, ashamed, anguished, alienated, and that's
just the "a"s.
Herby gives Karl a push. Karl reluctantly goes over to talk to Laura. He is terrified. The other girls leave, and Karl speaks to Laura.
KARL
Um... Hello, Laura. I was thinking how nice
it might be to spend some time with you sometime,
but... uh, if I ever asked you out I'd probably
say something awkward like, "Hi, Laura. You
wouldn't want to... No, of course you wouldn't.
I'm sorry. You wouldn't.. would you... go
out with me?" But then, maybe you might say,
"Don't be so shy, Karl!" And I'd say, You mean
you will go out with me?" And you'd say, "Why
not?" And then we could go out with each other
and we might actually have a great time!"
Karl stops talking and looks at her. She can't quite decide what to make of him.
KARL
So?
LAURA
So?
He decides he might as well give it a shot.
KARL
Hi, Laura. You wouldn't want to... No,
of course you wouldn't. I'm sorry. You
wouldn't.. would you... go out with me?
LAURA
I'd sooner kiss a pig. And I keep kosher!
She walks off. Karl walks off with Herby in the opposite direction.
KARL
Bleak. Burdened. Bruised. Bitter.
MILLS
(V.O.)
Did you ever fall in love?
EXT. A CITY STREET -- DAY
It's 1918. Karl is running down the street to catch up with CAROL MARTINS, an extremely attractive young girl who is walking home from school. To Karl, she is a goddess.
Karl has a load of books under his arm. Carl doesn't carry any books.
Superimpose title on screen: 1918.
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
I did. My senior year in high school. Her name
was Carol, and she was a goddess. But I never
knew what to say to her. What can you say to
a goddess?
Karl catches up to Carol and speaks to her.
KARL
Would you mind if I sacrificed a goat to you?
CAROL
It wouldn't bother me, but I don't think the
goat would like it.
KARL
My name's Karl Peckham. I'm in your theater
arts class.
CAROL
I know. You're the one who did the speech from
"Romeo and Juliet" with an Italian accent.
KARL
So? It takes place in Italy, doesn't it?
Karl breaks into a bad burlesque of an Italian accent, and Carol smiles at his performance.
KARL
"But-a soft! What's-a that light through yonder
window she breaks? It's-a the East, and Juliet,
she's-a the sun!
Carol applauds.
KARL
Would you like to hear "Hamlet" with a Swedish
accent?
CAROL
Hamlet wasn't a Swede. He was a Dane.
KARL
I can't do Danish.
CAROL
What makes you think you can do Italian? "And
let hose that play your clowns speak no more
than is set down for them." That's from "Hamlet."
KARL
That's wonderful you know all that. I don't
suppose, by any chance, you're not doing anything
tonight?
CAROL
Why do you ask?
KARL
Oh, I don't know. I thought maybe you might like
to go for a walk, have dinner, get married.
CAROL
(smiling)
I don't think so.
KARL
Can I carry your books for you?
CAROL
I haven't got any books.
KARL
Take some of mine!
CAROL
You really are relentless, aren't you?
KARL
You want relent? I can relent? What kind of
relenting do you want?
CAROL
Don't be so serious!
KARL
Who's serious? I've been joking since this
conversation started!
CAROL
That's your way of being serious! You think
because you're joking, you can be as serious as
want about anything?
KARL
How about if I only tell jokes that aren't funny?
CAROL
I thought that's what you were doing. Anyway, I
have to get to my acting class.
KARL
Oh?
CAROL
I'm going to be a serious dramatic actress some day.
KARL
A serious actress? Does that mean you'll tell jokes?
CAROL
(smiling)
Maybe.
KARL
Can I walk you to your class?
CAROL
Karl, I'm sorry if I was critical just now. You're funny
and you can tell all the jokes you want. But don't get
serious about me.
KARL
Why not?
CAROL
Because I won't get serious about you. I won't get
serious about anything but become a great actress.
KARL
Can we at least be friends?
CAROL
I'm counting on it. See you in school tomorrow.
They smile at each other, and she walks away. As soon as she rounds a corner, Karl lets himself fully experience the rapture of true love.
KARL
I'm in friendship! I'm in friendship!
He jumps up onto a lamppost and swings around it, like Gene Kelly in "Singing In The Rain." Unlike Kelly's lamppost, the glass at the top of this one comes loose. It falls and smashes on Karl's head.
Karl falls off the lamppost and into a trash can, which tips over and goes rolling down the street. It crashes into a wall where Herby is standing.
HERBY
Some girl dump you in the trash again?
KARL
No! It's wonderful! She wants to be my
friend!
HERBY
Karl, you're gonna get something better than
friendship tonight. I'm taking you to a place
where you can't miss! Madam Heller's!
Herby helps the dazed Karl out of the trash can.
EXT. A STREET IN FRONT OF A WHOREHOUSE -- NIGHT
Karl and Herby are walking up to a house of prostitution. Karl is very nervous.
KARL
I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
HERBY
What's the matter? Don't you want to become
a man?
KARL
No! Are you kidding? If you're a man, they send
you to Europe to be shot at. I'm going to wait until
the war's over to become a man! Now, if you'll
excuse me, I'm going home to play with my blocks.
Karl tries to leave, but Herby grabs him by the back of his shirt, and Karl nearly falls down as Herby yanks him back.
HERBY
You're going to become a man tonight, so just
relax!
They come to the door. Herby knocks. Madam Heller opens the door. She is a formidable woman.
MADAM HELLER
Hello, Herby. Good to see you again.
HERBY
Good evening, Madam Heller. I'd like to purchase
an interlude of erotic delight with one of your
prettiest young courtesans.
MADAM HELLER
That can be arranged. What about your friend?
KARL
I'd like to get laid.
Herby gives Karl a little push for being so uncool.
MADAM HELLER
We're awful busy right now. I've got a couple of girls
available, but only one room. You want to share a
room, or would you rather wait?
KARL
I'd be happy to...
HERBY
We'll take the room.
MADAM HELLER
Fine. Follow me!
She exits into the whorehouse. Herby is about to flow, but Karl wants to speak to him.
KARL
Herby, I think I'd like a little privacy.
HERBY
You want to do it with just the girl there?
KARL
I want to do it with just me there.
Herby shoves Karl into the whorehouse.
INT. THE WHOREHOUSE PARLOR -- NIGHT
Madam Heller introduces Karl and Herby to two prostitutes, MARTHA and ALICE. Alice is in her early twenties and is prettier than Martha. Martha is in her thirties, tough-looking, but very sexy.
MADAM HELLER
Here you are, boys. Take your pick.
HERBY
Karl, since this is your first time, why don't
you choose?
KARL
Um... can I have the young one?
MARTHA
(offended)
The what???
KARL
Younger... the younger one. Obviously you
are both very young, attractive girls and I'd be
happy to take either of you, because you're both
such young, attractive girls!
HERBY
(pointing to Martha)
Okay, Karl. Why don't you take her, just to show
there are no hard feelings.
MADAM HELLER
Is that all right with you, Karl?
Martha gives Karl a nasty look. He doesn't dare say no.
KARL
That's just fine with me. I certainly don't want
hard feelings.
Karl tries to put his arm around Martha's shoulder in a friendly gesture. She glares at him, and he quickly removes his arm.
INT. A BEDROOM IN THE WHOREHOUSE -- NIGHT
Madam Heller ushers Karl and Herby and Martha and Alice into the empty bedroom, which is furnished only with one narrow bed and a hat rack.
MADAM HELLER
That will be four dollars each, in advance!
Karl and Herby pay her.
KARL
I was going to go to college with that money.
MADAM HELLER
You'll get a better education here.
She brays with laughter, slaps Karl roughly on the back, and leaves. Herby kisses Alice and they begin to undress. Karl turns to face Martha.
KARL
Well, what do you say we introduce ourselves
and get acquainted?
MARTHA
Let's go, honey.
KARL
How do you do? My name is Karl.
MARTHA
I'm Martha. Take your clothes off.
KARL
You're a lovely girl, Martha. Do you come
here often?
MARTHA
I work here!!!
KARL
I know. I was just trying to make conversation.
MARTHA
You're strange.
KARL
Sorry.
MARTHA
It's all right. I've had stranger than you.
KARL
I could be stranger, if you'd like.
MARTHA
No, you're strange enough.
She begins undressing. Herby and Alice have already crawled under the covers of the bed and are grappling in heated passion.
KARL
Couldn't we get to know each other
first, a little?
MARTHA
No.
She takes off the rest of her clothes and climbs into bed, next to Herby and Alice who are busy having sex.
KARL
This isn't going to be very romantic, is it?
MARTHA
(getting very annoyed)
You want me to get Madam Heller to come play
the violin for us?
KARL
I just wish we could be friends first.
MARTHA
What about them? You think they're friends?
She gestures to Herby and Alice, who are engaged in mindless, passionate sex.
KARL
They seem to be enjoying each other's company.
MARTHA
So, are you going to enjoy mine, or not?
KARL
I... I don't think I want sex with someone who
doesn't even like me.
MARTHA
What's the matter with you, kid? You come here
to buy me, you make cracks about my age, and
then you act heartbroken because I don't love you.
This is sex, not love. And when it come to sex, I'm
the best there is.
KARL
I'm sorry. I guess I'm not ready yet.
MARTHA
There are no refunds. It's your four buck you're
throwing away.
Herby looks over.
HERBY
Come on, you two! Join the fun!
Herby pulls Martha over, and there's a tangle of bodies under the sheets. Karl backs away.
HERBY
What's the matter, Karl? You afraid God doesn't
like things like this?
KARL
I don't think God even knows about things like this.
HERBY
Okay, Karl. It's your loss.
Karl watches the movement under the sheets, then sadly turns away and leaves. The Interview resumes in voice-over.
EXT. THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE WHOREHOUSE -- NIGHT
All alone, Karl sadly walks away as the interview continues.
MILLS
(V.O.)
So at that time in your life, lust wasn't enough. You
decided to wait for love.
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
Yeah. Then the next day I decided to give lust another
shot.
EXT. THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE WHOREHOUSE -- DAY
Karl, carrying a bouquet of flowers, walks up to the door of the whorehouse. To his disappointment, it's locked shot. There's a sign on the door reading, "CLOSED BY ORDER OF THE POLICE DEPARTMENT."
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
Unfortunately, the cops closed down Madam Heller's.
MILLS
(V.O.)
Did everyone get arrested?
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
Martha got away. Years later, she married my
cousin, Rabbi Feldstein. They were happily married
for forty-seven years and raised three children: a
doctor, a lawyer, and a dominatrix.
MILLS
(V.O.)
You must have felt very lonely.
EXT. A PARK -- DAY
Karl is walking through the park with Carol.
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
No. My senior year in high school was probably
the happiest year of my life. Because of my
friend Carol. She and I had a lot of laughs.
CAROL
Do you ever dream about the future?
KARL
Sure. I always dream about the next time I'll
walk through the park with you.
CAROL
No! I mean the future when we're all grown up.
When you're a famous comedian, and I'll be
a great actress. We'll make people laugh... and
cry.. and we'll both be rich and famous. What could
be better than that?
KARL
Walking through the park with you.
CAROL
Karl!!!
KARL
Why don't you ever let me help you with your
homework?
CAROL
Why? Because my grades are better than
yours in every class?
KARL
Sure, but haven't you ever heard of learning from
your mistakes? How can you learn from your
mistakes if you never make any? Now the first
mistake you should make is...
CAROL
Listening to you.
KARL
See? You're learning already! Where would we
be without mistakes? Nowhere, because Adam and
Eve would still be alone in paradise. Of course,
they'd be about ten thousand years old.
Karl starts doing an imitation of Adam as a toothless, ten thousand year old man.
KARL
And Adam would be saying, "Gee whiz, sometimes I
wish I'd listened to that snake and tasted the apple
back when I still had my teeth. Maybe I could come a
piece if I pounded it first with a rock."
Karl mimes using a rock to pound an apple into apple sauce. Then he mimes tasting the apple sauce. He turns to Carol and looks at her, amazed.
KARL
"Eve! Eve, I just noticed! You're naked! You're
naked, but you're ten thousand years old! Oh, why
didn't I eat that apple when we were younger?
Carol has been laughing the whole time. She feels genuine affection and admiration for Karl - but that's it. Karl stops imitating Adam.
KARL
So you see how important it is to make mistakes
when you're young? Go out with me, and it'll be
the biggest mistake of your life!
CAROL
(as gently as she can)
I'm sorry. I don't want to be serious.
Karl looks disappointed, until she smiles at him. He can't help smiling back at her. She walks away from him. Karl spots a black janitor named SAM who is sweeping the sidewalk in front of a store. Karl decides to ask him for advice.
EXT. SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF SOME STORES -- DAY
Karl walks up to SAM.
KARL
Hi, Sam.
Sam acts meek and subservient, as black people were expected to act at the time.
SAM
Afternoon, Mr. Peckham.
KARL
Sam, I don't know what to do. I love this girl
so much, but she just likes me like a friend.
SAM
Now, Mr. Peckham, you don't want to be asking
no advice from no colored folks, do you?
KARL
Why not? Your advice is as good as anyone's.
SAM
That's nice of you to say, Mr. Peckham, but most
white folks think colored folks who give advice are
uppity, and then they give us an awful bad time.
KARL
I wouldn't think that, Sam. I've known you for
years.
SAM
So you wouldn't think I was uppity?
KARL
Of course not.
Suddenly Sam stops acting service and assumes a completely different personality. He stands up straight and proud.
SAM
All right then. The principal thing a man must do to
attract a member of the fair sex is to project assurance.
There's nothing a woman finds so appealing in a man
as a firm but calm assurance of his own self-worth.
And above all, stop being such a whiny little schmuck.
KARL
Thanks, Sam.
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
Unfortunately, I was too much of a whiny little schmuck to
take Sam's advice.
EXT. FRONT STOOP OUTSIDE KARL'S APARTMENT -- DAY
Karl is dragging a small suitcase out through the front door of the apartment building where he's been living with his parents.
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
Finally, I graduated from high school and it was
time to leave home.
Karl looks into the door and calls into the building.
KARL
Look. Maybe I've been a little hasty. I want
to grow up, but I still need your love and support
and your food and your money.....
A large suitcase comes flying out the door, hitting Karl in the chest and knocking him down.
KARL
Thanks, Mom.
He picks himself up. Another suitcase is thrown down from a window upstairs, barely missing Karl. He calls up:
KARL
You too, Dad!
Carol, walking down the sidewalk, is surprised to find Karl with his luggage.
CAROL
What happened to you?
KARL
My Dad wants me to work in his dry goods store.
I told him I wanted to make people laugh. He
told me to mark up the gabardine. That's his
idea of a great joke.
CAROL
So?
KARL
So I told him I had to be a comedian. And he
was very understanding. He understood I'd lost
my mind and didn't belong in his house. But it's okay.
I've got a booking next Tuesday in Kansas City.
It's only a crumby little theater, and the pay isn't
much, but it will give me a chance to do what I've
always wanted... starve to death in a cheap hotel.
CAROL
You're going to get somewhere!
Karl starts dragging his suitcases down the street. Carol walks with him.
KARL
I'll be lucky if I get to Kansas.
CAROL
You're going to be a big success, and I think
it's wonderful.
KARL
The only thing I'm sorry about is that it's going
to be a long time before I see you again.
CAROL
We can write.
KARL
You can write. I'll have to draw pictures. Did
you see my grade in English. My dog could have
done better. In fact, I showed my grade to my dog
and he said it was ARFul.
CAROL
You told me your dog died years ago.
KARL
I brought him back for the joke.
CAROL
For a joke like that, he was better off dead.
ARFul!!!
They look at each other for a moment.
CAROL
I'll miss you. It's been a good friendship.
KARL
I'll miss you too....
She kisses him on the cheek, smiles and walks away. When she's out of hearing distance, Karl finishes the sentence.
KARL
... like a drowning man misses oxygen.
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
And so I went into vaudeville. After a year or so, I was
good enough to almost be classified as putrid.
INT. A VAUDEVILLE THEATER -- NIGHT
Superimpose title on screen: 1920.
It's 1920. Karl is performing on a small stage in a second-rate vaudeville house. There are a few laughs coming from the audience, but not many.
KARL
Is there a laugher in the house? I know you're
out there. I can here you wincing. If not for
me, laugh for your neighbor, if not for your
neighbor, laugh for your neighbor's wife. It's
your duty for America, for as George
Washington said to Abraham Lincoln, "I
cannot get a laugh." Which reminds me of
when John Alden said to Priscilla Mullins,
"Miles Standish wants you to marry him."
And she said, "Why don't you speak for
yourself, John." And John said, "But I
don't want to marry him.
INT. KARL'S DRESSING ROOM -- NIGHT
A few minutes after the last scene, Karl is in a small, cramped dressing room, taking off his stage make-up. KATHY, a comedy-groupie, rushes in and spots Karl.
KATHY
You! You're Karl Peckham! You are! Aren't
you?
KARL
No, I'm just using the name because it was already
in the program. I was going to call myself Myron
Scrooge and His Trained Seals, but Karl Peckham
had hire billing.
KATHY
You're funny.
KARL
Yeah? Well, maybe I'll give up balancing a
ball on my nose and stick to comedy.
KATHY
I like comedians.
KARL
Good.
KATHY
I like them too much. Whenever I meet a
comedian, I can't help... I can't help...
KARL
What?
KATHY
I can't help letting them have their way with me. I
don't think I could help letting you...
KARL
That's okay. I wouldn't need help.
He practically leads into her arms. They kiss and he starts tearing at both their clothes, trying to get them off, but he's in such a hurry he can't seem to manage it.
KATHY
Comedy is so funny, isn't it?
KARL
It should be.
KATHY
Karl? Please... please...
They kiss passionately.
KARL
What?
KATHY
Please don't ask me to have sexual intercourse
with you.
He looks at her, barely able to speak.
KARL
Huh?
KATHY
Please don't ask me to have sexual intercourse
with you.
KARL
How about if we do it without asking?
KATHY
I couldn't say no right now. Isn't that awful?
KARL
Well, it depends on how you look at it.
KATHY
I've slept with so many comedians, I'd feel
disgraced if I slept with another. You wouldn't
want me to disgrace myself, would you?
Karl starts to nod yes, then changes it to a shaking of the head no. He sadly pulls himself out of Kathy's arms.
KARL
If that's the way you really feel..
Kathy can't believe he's serious. She grabs him and pulls him down onto the floor with her.
KATHY
You talked me into it!
Karl and Kathy remove enough clothes to begin having sex as Peckam remembers:
PECKHAM
(V.O.)
And that's how I finally lost my virginity. I
nearly fainted when her clothes cam off. At last
I was going to experience all the exquisite
delights of a woman's body. There she was
soft and round, yielding, ready to welcome me
in. I felt so complete and we rocked together,
and it was all...
Kathy starts crying out, interrupting Peckham's narration.
KATHY
Joke me! Joke me!
KARL
What?
KATHY
Tell me a joke!
KARL
Now?????
KATHY
Yes! Tell me a joke or I can't enjoy it!
Come on! I thought you were supposed to
be funny!
KARL
I can't think of any jokes now.
KATHY
Nice! All that big talk, but when the time
comes, you can't perform.
KARL
Uh, let's see. Is there a laugher in the house?
I know you're there, I can hear you wincing...
KATHY
Not your old routine! I've had that! Give me
something new!
Karl is desperately trying to think of a joke.
KARL
You want to do a routine. You can be the
straight man.
KATHY
What do I have to do?
KARL
Just respond. You can respond, can't you?
KATHY
Say something funny! I'll respond!
KARL
All right. Say, "Who was that lady I saw you
screwing in your dressing room?"
KATHY
Who was that lady I saw you screwing in your
dressing room?
KARL
That was no lady. That was a critic.
Karl climaxes; Kathy doesn't. Karl falls away exhausted. Kathy is totally unsatisfied.
KATHY
Well, that was just what I needed!
KARL
Really?
KATHY
Absolutely. Thanks to you, I'll never be tempted to
sleep with a comedian again!
She grabs her clothes and exits.
PEKCHAM
(V.O.)
I hoped after the first time it oudl be easier
to get laid, but...
INT. BACKSTAGE AT A VAUDEVILLE HOUSE -- NIGHT
Karl has just asked a CHORUS GIRL for a date.
CHORUS GIRL
I'm sorry, I never date comedians.
INT. BACKSTAGE AT A VAUDEVILLE HOUSE -- NIGHT
Karl has just asked a SECOND CHORUS GIRL for a date.
SECOND CHORUS GIRL
I'm sorry, I never date Jewish men.
INT. BACKSTAGE AT A VAUDEVILLE HOUSE -- NIGHT
Karl has just asked a THIRD CHORUS GIRL for a date.
THIRD CHORUS GIRL
I'm sorry, I never date men named Karl.
INT. BACKSTAGE AT A VAUDEVILLE HOUSE -- NIGHT
Karl has just asked a FOURTH CHORUS GIRL for a date.
FOURTH CHORUS GIRL
I'm sorry, I never date Jewish comedians named
Karl.
KARL
That's okay. I don't take it personally.
THE END
© by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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