COMMEDIA!
"The Comedy of Love and War"
by Richard Nathan
Act II
SCENE ONE:
Scene One continues where we left off at the end of Act I. We are in the parlor of Pantalone's house. The Captain has just announced he intends that his daughter Isabella will wed King Brighella. Isabella has fainted into Lelio's arms. The servants Truff, Arlo and Smeraldina are aghast. Pantalone tries to figure out how he can best profit from the situation.
LELIO
How can you give your daughter to your sworn
enemy?
CAPTAIN
He was only my enemy during the war. Now that
the war is over, we're allies.
LELIO
I thought you hated Zanniland!
CAPTAIN
I did, with a passion. I lost my only son on the
battlefield in
the first war with Zanniland. But
now it's time to move on to new wars,
with new
enemies to hate. Zanniland and Commedia have
changed from enemies to allies. It happens all the
time.
LELIO
The war with Zanniland is only over because I took
Brighella prisoner.
BRIGHELLA
That's King Brighella to you.
CAPTAIN
That's right. Show some respect.
LELIO
I captured him for you, to win your war for you!!!
CAPTAIN
That's right, you robbed me of the glory of beating
him myself.
TRUFF
(under his breath)
You couldn't beat a dead rat which was tied
to a stake.
PANTALONE
What was that?
TRUFF
I said, who wouldn't eat a red radish beside
a lake?
ARLO
I wouldn't. I don't like radishes.
LELIO
It doesn't matter what anyone says or does. I'm
going to marry Isabella!
CAPTAIN
Don't be absurd. Why would I let her marry you
when she can marry a king and be queen of a
kingdom?
LELIO
Because we love each other!
The Captain pretends to weigh the value of love in one hand against the value of a kingdom in the other hand.
CAPTAIN
Let's see,... love... kingdom... love... kingdom...
Surprise! Kingdom wins over love!
CAPTAIN
Sorry, kingdom wins! Come, your Majesty, let's
plan the nuptials.
BRIGHELLA
Oh boy, nuptials!
Brighella says "nuptials" as though he thinks it means something sexual. Exit the Captain and Brighella. Pantalone calls after them.
PANTALONE
Captain! Perhaps you have a lucrative post in the
government of Zanniland that you'd like to give to
your old friend.
Pantalone exits, following the Captain and Brighella. Isabella moans, starting to regain consciousness. Smeraldina decides to give Lelio and Isabella some privacy.
SMERALDINA
I think they deserve a moment to themselves.
She pulls Truff and Arlo out of the room. Lelio and Isabella gaze into each other's eyes before speaking.
LELIO
Now everyone against us starts to scheme,
Like armies joining forces for a fight.
ISABELLA
As raindrops merge together in one stream,
The foes who fought each other now unite.
LELIO
They join as allies to attack our love!
They
think their greater numbers will prevail,
Like scores of savage eagles 'gainst one dove!
ISABELLA
But they can't win! We know they're bound to fail.
For we'll outfight whatever odds we face
And we'll endure our testings and our trials.
What matters is who finally wins the race.
LELIO
And we can run a million times their miles.
We'll take whatever torments fate may send.
ISABELLA
Because our love will triumph in the end.
They kiss. Smeraldina enters, followed by Truff and Arlo.
SMERALDINA
It's time to get to work. I've got a plan.
LELIO
I hope it works better than your last plan.
SMERALDINA
My
last plan captured Brighella, didn't it?
ARLO
Yeah. It's not her fault the Captain is such a
fat head.
Lelio cuffs Arlo.
LELIO
You're talking about fat head of the woman
I love. I mean, father of the woman I love.
ISABELLA
It's all right. I know he's a fat head.
SMERALDINA
The fat head wants my lady to marry Brighella so she'll
be Queen of Zanniland and he'll be Lord Chamberlain.
So we must make sure someone else is crowned
King of Zanniland in Brighella's place. If Brighella is
no longer King, he'll have nothing to offer the Captain,
and the Captain will have no reason to let Brighella
marry Isabella!
LELIO
That makes sense.
SMERALDINA
You three have to go back to Zanniland and make
sure someone replaces Brighella on the throne.
I'll stay here and see that the wedding doesn't take
place while you're gone.
Lelio takes Isabella's hands and looks into her eyes.
LELIO
Now I have to part from you again, and it feels like we
just reunited.
TRUFF
You did, about ten minutes ago.
ISABELLA
Our parting is bitter, but the next reunion will be that
much the sweeter.
LELIO
Come on, Truff, Arlo. We've got to go back to
Zanniland, and find a king to crown.
Blackout.
SCENE TWO:
The public square in the capitol city of Zanniland. In the middle of the square is slapstick stuck in a stone. Fichetto and Scapino, who wear bandages to cover their wounds from Act I, try to pull the slapstick from the stone, but they fail. As Fichetto and Scapino exit, Lelio, Truff and Arlo enter. The notice the slapstick in the stone, and go to investigate it.
ARLO
What's this?
TRUFF
Looks like some kind of stick stuck in a rock.
LELIO
There's writing on the stone. It says, "Whoso pulleth
out this slapstick of this stone is rightwise king born of
all Zanniland." And there's something on the other
side. "Made in Bergamo."
As Lelio is reading, the DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR
Come to try your luck, have you? Though "luck" isn't
precisely the right word. It's more a matter of fate, of
predestination. A man's fate will never change, though
his luck may change as often as he changes his underwear.
ARLO
(to Truff)
What makes him think I change my underwear?
LELIO
Is it true what is says on this stone? Is this how
your king is chosen?
DOCTOR
You must be strangers. We've used this method
to select our rulers for generations.
LELIO
Inspired by King Arthur, no doubt.
DOCTOR
Who?
LELIO
Arthur, King of the Britons. He was chosen as
king because he pulled a sword from a stone.
DOCTOR
They took that idea that from us! But they used a
sword instead of a slapstick.
LELIO
I think the sword in the stone was first.
DOCTOR
Nonsense. You only have to say them to see
which came first. Sword in a stone, stick in a
stone. Stick in a stone is obviously
preferable. The repeating "st" sound' has much
more ass... ass.... what's the word for when
the consonants sound alike but the vowels sound
different, or sometime the vowels sound alike,
but the consonants are different. It starts with
ass... asson...
TRUFF
Asinine.
DOCTOR
Thank you. A stick in a stone is much more
asinine.
LELIO
But why choose your king this way?
DOCTOR
We tried a hereditary monarchy and our kings were
tyrants and fools. We tried elections and our rulers
were liars and scoundrels. So we asked a wizard
to build this for us. The results are no worse than
those achieved by any other method.
LELIO
Can anyone try, or only citizens of Zanniland?
DOCTOR
Anyone may attempt it.
Lelio tries to pull out the slapstick, but it won't budge. Truff tries to pull out the slapstick, but it won't budge.
DOCTOR
Not many of our own citizens will try
anymore.
Arlo tries to pull out the slapstick, and it comes out easily. Lelio and Truff are busy looking at the doctor, and the doctor is looking away, so no one notices what Arlo has done.
DOCTOR
I suppose that's because the King keeps being
assassinated.
Arlo plunges the slapstick back into the stone before anyone can see he's pulled it out.
DOCTOR
The problem is the stick usually recognizes more
than one suitable King at a time, and all those who are
selected keep killing each other. Over the past decade,
the average reign of the King of Zanniland has
been
slightly less than two months. However, things have
been improving
lately. Because so few are willing to
risk wearing the crown, the assassinations
are less
frequent.
They say the life expectancy of the next King
should be greatly increased over the old averages.
Heartened, Arlo pulls the slapstick loose again. Arlo starts to walk away from the stone, carrying the slapstick.
DOCTOR
He might last as long as five or six months!
Arlo leaps back to the stone and sticks the slapstick in. This time, when he puts the slapstick in, it starts to pop out on its own. Arlo has to lean upon the stick to keep it in the stone.
DOCTOR
Our last king, King Brighella, lasted four months before
he
was assassinated. Of course, the government is
claiming he just disappeared one day, but I'm sure
he was assassinated.
LELIO
Sir, ...
The Doctor interrupts him.
DOCTOR
Please address me by my proper title: doctor.
I am Doctor Baloardo, the most learned scholar
in Zanniland.
The Doctor offers his hand to Lelio, and they shake hands. Arlo manages to get the slapstick wedged securely in the stone.
LELIO
Doctor, are there any untried candidates
who you think could pull out the slapstick?
DOCTOR
It's hard to say. No one has been able to
ascertain exactly what qualities the magic finds
kingly. But if I were to choose, there is one
man who is handsome, brave, generous,
intelligent, a born leader - unfortunately he's in the
dungeon serving a life sentence for moral turpitude.
LELIO
Wouldn't that rule him out as King?
DOCTOR
No, if he were King, he could pardon himself.
TRUFF
What did he do?
DOCTOR
By his own count, he seduced four thousand
six hundred and fifty-three young women. So of
course we had no choice but to lock him up. The
odd thing is we weren't able to find a single woman
who would corroborate any of his seductions.
Every
single woman said he was an insufferable
bonehead.
TRUFF
What did the married women say?
LELIO
What's his name?
DOCTOR
He's called Scaramouche.
LELIO
May we see him?
DOCTOR
Are any of you related to him? Oh, no, you
couldn't be. He was a foundling, so there are
no relatives.
The only way you could see him
would be if you were to be imprisoned yourselves.
Have you committed any crimes?
Lelio, Truff and Arlo take a moment to whisper privately to each other. Then they turn back to the Doctor.
LELIO
What if we were to tell you we were Commedian
spies?
DOCTOR
I'd say that's a capital offense, punishable by
death.
TRUFF
Then it's a good thing we're not going to tell you
that.
LELIO
How many women did you say Scaramouche had
confessed to seducing?
DOCTOR
Four thousand six hundred and fifty three.
LELIO
An amateur. I've seduced five thousand this
year alone.
TRUFF
I seduced five thousand this past month!
ARLO
I seduced five thousand this morning.
Lelio and Truff give him a look of disbelief.
ARLO
I think. I might have lost track after the
twins.
DOCTOR
Guards! Take these degenerates and lock
them up!
The Doctor looks around for guards, but there don't seem to be any guards within earshot at the moment.
TRUFF
You only had one set of twins?
Truff is making an accusation that one set of twins isn't sufficient.
ARLO
Did I say one set? I just said twins. I meant
three sets of twins. Six ladies. I call them "the
twins" for short.
DOCTOR
You expect me to believe that you made love to
three sets of twins at one time??????
ARLO
Sure.
LELIO
Of course!
TRUFF
Any man who's never made love to three sets
of twins at one time can't really call himself a
man, can he?
LELIO
Doctor, you don't mean to tell me that you've never
made love to three sets of twins at one time, do you?
Lelio, Arlo and Truff giggle at the Doctor. Enter Fichetto and Scapino. The Doctor doesn't see them.
DOCTOR
Who, me? Of course I've made love to three sets
of twins. I was just surprised to hear that this
fellow had done it!
The Doctor points at Arlo. Fichetto and Scapino grab the doctor from behind.
FICHETTO
Come along, you pervert!
SCAPINO
You're under arrest!
They start to march off with him.
DOCTOR
No, they're the perverts! They corrupted my
thoughts.
LELIO
It's true. We're no less perverted than the
Doctor.
Fichetto studies Lelio, Truff and Arlo, then he turns to Scapino.
FICHETTO
Hey, don't these guys look like the spies we were
questioning last week, when we got knocked out
and Brighella disappeared?
Arlo, Truff and Lelio examine Fichetto and Scapino.
ARLO
No, the guys who were questioning us didn't look
anything like you.
TRUFF
Definitely not.
SCAPINO
It must have been somebody else then.
ARLO
But we are perverts!
Fichetto and Scapino take Lelio, Arlo, Truff and the Captain off-stage.
Blackout.
SCENE THREE:
Fichetto and Scapino push Lelio, Truff, Arlo and the Doctor into a dark dungeon cell. Chained to a wall of the cell is SCARAMOUCHE. He is dashing, but surprisingly short. In attitude, he resembles Errol Flynn on even more uppers than the real Errol Flynn ever dreamed of taking.
SCARAMOUCHE
More guests! The more the merrier! Ha ha!
ARLO
Who is that?
SCARAMOUCHE
Ha ha! I am Scaramouche! You may have caught
me up short, but I won't be caught up for long!
SCAPINO
You've been saying that for five years!
SCARAMOUCHE
Perhaps I am lulling you into a false sense of
security!
FICHETTO
We're lulled already!
SCARAMOUCHE
Ha ha! My plan is working perfectly! I have
you exactly where I want you.
FICHETTO
You new prisoners behave yourselves, or you'll be
chained up like he is.
Fichetto and Scapino leave. They leave, and once they are offstage, we hear the sound of the prison door slamming shut.
SCARAMOUCHE
What crimes did you commit to be thrown in here
with me?
LELIO
Nothing. We
only pretended we were guilty so we
could rescue you, and make you king of Zanniland!
SCARAMOUCHE
King Scaramouche! An excellent plan!
I approve!
DOCTOR
You mean, you didn't
make love to three sets of twins?
LELIO
Of course not!
ARLO
Don't be ridiculous!
The Doctor looks at Truff, waiting for his answer. Finally, Truff responds:
TRUFF
Mind your own business.
The Doctor looks at Scaramouche.
DOCTOR
Scaramouche, do you still claim that you made
love to thousands of women?
SCARAMOUCHE
I never claimed to have made love to thousands
of women. I said I seduced them. I seduced
them into lusting after me in their hearts, which is
just as bad as making love to them. I am guilty of
making thousands of women want me carnally. But,
on the other hand, who can blame them?
ARLO
I heard that all the women said you were a bonehead.
SCARAMOUCHE
Ah, the darlings, so shy they dare not confess how
much they love me!
The Doctor turns back to Lelio.
DOCTOR
What is your plan to rescue him?
LELIO
We thought - once we were here - we'd think of
something.
SCARAMOUCHE
Ah! That's my plan too! Great minds think alike!
Ha ha!
DOCTOR
What about me? I'm stuck in here, and I didn't do
anything!
TRUFF
What do you mean? You were the one who called
the guards!
DOCTOR
But you wanted me to!
LELIO
But you didn't know that!!!
SCARAMOUCHE
Don't worry, my friends. When I, Scaramouche,
escape, I will bring all my friends with me to
&n