COMMEDIA!
"The Comedy of Love and War"
by Richard Nathan
Act III
SCENE ONE:
Scene One takes place in the parlor of Pantalone's house. The Captain is berating his daughter Isabella.
CAPTAIN
Isabella, you refuse to show Brighella any
kindness,
the only time you speak to him
is when you insult him,
and you never
allow him to
touch even your hand. Do you
think that's the way a woman should treat
the man she is going to marry?
ISABELLA
Certainly, if the man is an uncouth buffoon, as
charming as a rabid dog, as attractive as a
festering sore, and as endearing as a dead skunk.
CAPTAIN
I sense you're afraid your love for Brighella won't
last.
ISABELLA
It won't last because it never started! It doesn't
exist. It never will exist. I don't love him. It would
be impossible for me to ever love him.
CAPTAIN
I sense you're telling me you don't love him. Can we
at least agree that you like him?
ISABELLA
If he were dying, and if all I had to do to save
his life was to lift my little finger, I would
not lift
it! I would cut it off, smash it with a club,
cut it
into bits with an axe, burn
the bits, and bury
the ashes six feet underground to make certain I
would not accidentally lift my little finger!
CAPTAIN
I understand. You don't like your little finger. But
do you like Brighella?
ISABELLA
No!
CAPTAIN
Could you could learn to like him?
ISABELLA
I'd sooner like being whipped.
CAPTAIN
There are people who like to be whipped. So
there is hope.
ISABELLA
I will never like him and I will never marry him!
CAPTAIN
I pledged you to Brighella! I lost my only son in the
war with Zanniland, but if I can make my peace with
the king of Zanniland, the least you can do is marry him.
If you won't marry him, you'll dishonor me. If you
dishonor
me, I'll have to fall upon my sword.
ISABELLA
Are you threatening to kill yourself, or telling me you're
clumsy?
CAPTAIN
You leave me no choice but to kill myself. I'll give
you three chances to change your
mind. If you
don't, I will fall upon my sword and die!
The Captain takes out his sword and sharp end at the floor and the handle at his stomach.
ISABELLA
You need to turn it around the other way!
CAPTAIN
Don't you tell me how to commit suicide! I'm a
soldier. Now remember, you have only three
chances to cooperate! One...
ISABELLA
I won't do it!
CAPTAIN
Two...
ISABELLA
I won't do it!
CAPTAIN
Three...
ISABELLA
I won't do it!
CAPTAIN
Then neither will I!!!
The Captain throws down his sword. Enter Pantalone with a scroll.
PANTALONE
Captain! The King has responded to the wedding
invitation.
CAPTAIN
I would hope so. He's the groom.
PANTALONE
Not Brighella! Our king, Carlo the king of
Commedia! He's delighted you've arranged
a marriage to end the war with Zanniland!
CAPTAIN
You hear that, daughter? Now you have to
marry Brighella!
PANTALONE
King Carlo doesn't think he can attend because he's
busy hunting pirates. He always hunts pirates at
this time of year. But he is sending the Queen
to represent the royal family!
CAPTAIN
When is she arriving?
Pantalone scans further down the scroll, looking for the answer to the Captain's question.
PANTALONE
It says we can probably expect her highness on
Saturday. That's today! And she wants us
to have the wedding on Sunday! That doesn't
give us much time! She can't expect a big
expensive meal on such short notice.
CAPTAIN
(shouting)
Brighella! Brighella!
Brighella enters.
BRIGHELLA
What's all the shouting about, Pops?
CAPTAIN
The Queen of Commedia is coming to your wedding!
BRIGHELLA
Is she bringing a present? I don't want any guests
let in without a present!
CAPTAIN
I'm sure she'll bring something delightful.
BRIGHELLA
She better, cause if I don't like her gift, she can't have
any food. Or drinks. Have you ever noticed the real
lushes always bring the worst presents? Which
reminds me, when are Isabella and me getting hitched,
anyway?
PANTALONE
The Queen expects to attend the nuptials on
Sunday.
BRIGHELLA
Oh no! She can come to the wedding, but the nuptials
are strictly private!
PANTALONE
Nuptials means the wedding. The ceremony is called
the nuptials.
BRIGHELLA
In that case, she can come. Right, sweetie?
He gives Isabella a swat on the rear. She pulls back her fist to punch him in the gut, but Pantalone and the Captain grab hold of her arms and restrain her. Enter Smeraldina.
SMERALDINA
There are two morons here to see the stupid oaf.
CAPTAIN
That's no way to talk about my future son-in-law!
ISABELLA
How did you know she meant him?
BRIGHELLA
It's obvious!
PANTALONE
I thought she meant my son! But I don't know
where he's gone off to.
Enter Scapino and Fichetto. They bow before Brighella.
SCAPINO & FICHETTO
Your majesty!
PANTALONE
I see two noblemen have come from your court!
BRIGHELLA,
SCAPINO & FICHETTO
(together)
Where?
Brighella, Scapino, & Fichetto look around for the noblemen. Pantalone indicates he was referring to Scapino and Fichetto.
PANTALONE
Aren't these noblemen from your court?
BRIGHELLA
Right. These are my finest noblemen!
PANTALONE
Are they perhaps viscounts?
BRIGHELLA
Viscounts?
FICHETTO
Viscounts?
SCAPINO
Vhy not?
BRIGHELLA
Right. This is Fichetto, the Viscount of Monte Three-
Card, and this is Scapino, the Viscount To-Ten.
FICHETTO
Your majesty, we've got to talk to you right away.
In private.
SCAPINO
Without anyone else around.
BRIGHELLA
You'll excuse us, won't you?
CAPTAIN
Of course.
Isabella, the Captain, Pantalone and Smeraldina exit. Scapino and Fichetto start to follow Smeraldina, but Brighella grabs them.
BRIGHELLA
What's up?
FICHETTO
Three guys from Commedia and that know-it-all
Doctor helped Scaramouche get out of the
dungeon!
BRIGHELLA
How'd they do that?
SCAPINO
They didn't bribe us!!!
BRIGHELLA
How much didn't they bribe you with?
SCAPINO
A hundred scudi.
Brighella slaps Scapino on the forehead.
FICHETTO
You haven't heard the worst part! Scaramouche
pulled the slapstick out of the stone, and now he's
going to be the new king of Zanniland. And two
guys who helped him escape came back here to
spoil your wedding!
BRIGHELLA
I bet those guys are the same ones who captured me!
They were working with that servant girl,
Smeraldina.
If anyone here can spoil my wedding, it's
her!
FICHETTO
You don't give yourself enough credit!
SCAPINO
That's right! If anyone can spoil your
wedding, it's you!
Brighella slaps Scapino on the forehead.
BRIGHELLA
We need to find
out Smeraldina's plans. You two
hide! I'll get her and Isabella to come in here, and you
can spy on them and find out what they're up to!
Fichetto and Scapino hide wherever they can find hiding places on the stage. Brighella calls to Isabella.
BRIGHELLA
Hey, Isabella!
Smeraldina enters.
SMERALDINA
Isabella has nothing to say to you.
BRIGHELLA
Good. I like a woman who keeps her mouth shut.
I just wanted to let you know my friends have left,
and I'm going for a walk, so you and Isabella can have
this room all to yourself, if you like.
Smeraldina just stares at him.
BRIGHELLA
So, I guess I'll be going. I'll be gone for at least an
hour. There's nothing I enjoy so much as a nice
long walk!
SMERALDINA
I don't see anyone keeping you here.
Brighella exits. Smeraldina calls to her allies.
SMERALDINA
It's all right! He's gone.
Isabella, Truff and Arlo enter.
ISABELLA
What can we do? The Queen wants me to
marry Brighella! And she's coming here for
the wedding. She's expected today!
ARLO
Lelio will be here as soon as he gets the new
king crowned.
ISABELLA
But what if the Queen gets here first? How can I
change her mind
about Brighella?
SMERALDINA
We don't have to change the Queen's mind, if we
can change the Queen!
ISABELLA
What?
SMERALDINA
No one here has ever met the Queen, right? So I'll
disguise myself, pretend to be the Queen, and then as
the Queen, I'll order you not to marry Brighella!
TRUFF
What if the Queen shows up while you're doing
your act?
SMERALDINA
You and Arlo have to watch out for her. Go quickly!
If you see her coming, tell
the Queen this house is
quarantined because of the
plague!
Arlo and Truff start to leave, but Smeraldina stops them.
SMERALDINA
Hey! Why aren't you two fighting over me?
ARLO
That's right!
TRUFF
In all the excitement, we forgot!
Arlo and Truff try to kill each other, but Smeraldina stops them.
ISABELLA
Later! Go watch out for the Queen!
Arlo and Truff exit.
ISABELLA
What if someone recognizes you?
SMERALDINA
I'm a master of disguise. I guarantee no one will know
it's me. But we have to move fast. Come help me get
ready!
Smeraldina and Isabella go of to another room. A moment after they've gone, Scapino and Fichetto come out from their hiding places. Fichetto goes to where Brighella exited and whistles. A moment later, Brighella enters.
BRIGHELLA
Did you learn her plans?
FICHETTO
Yeah, she's going to disguise herself as the Queen!
But then the two guys are going to tell her the
house is quarantined with the plague to keep her
away. And so when she stays away, you can go
ahead and get married
after all!
BRIGHELLA
That's her plan?
SCAPINO
Yeah!
BRIGHELLA
That doesn't make any sense!!!
SCAPINO
I guess she isn't as clever as you thought she was!
Brighella slaps Scapino on the forehead.
BRIGHELLA
Neither are you! There must be some reason why
she'd want to be told not to come here...
Scapino and Fichetto try to figure out a reason.
FICHETTO
Some reason why she'd want to stay away...
SCAPINO
Some reason she'd want to be warned of the plague...
They all to the same conclusion, simultaneously!
BRIGHELLA, FICHETTO
& SCAPINO
The plague!!!
BRIGHELLA
Wait a minute! If the plague was here, wouldn't
someone be sick? Has anyone seen any
symptoms?
FICHETTO
You don't look so good. Your skin looks kind
of gray The bags under your eyes have bags. And
your breathe smells like a rat's armpit.
BRIGHELLA
Sounds like the plague! When did you first notice
these changes?
FICHETTO
What changes?
Brighella slaps Fichetto on the forehead.
BRIGHELLA
What we need is a doctor! What would you do if
you were a doctor and I had the plague?
FICHETTO
Stay as far away from you as possible!
SCAPINO
Hey, that's not how doctors behave! They're sworn
to help the sick, to aid humanity. Even if someone
had a deadly, contagious disease, a doctor would
be the last person to stay away!
BRIGHELLA
You sound like you know what you're talking about!
If you were a doctor, and I had the plague, what
would you tell me to do?
SCAPINO
Pay in advance!
Brighella slaps Scapino on the forehead.
BRIGHELLA
Wait a minute. If this house was really infected with
the plague, why would Smeraldina leave her friends
here?
SCAPINO
But she sent those two guys to warn the Queen away.
And Smeraldina said she was going to pretend to be
the Queen.
BRIGHELLA
You morons! She sent those guys to warn the real
Queen to stay away! She wants to be sure the only
Queen who shows up here today is her, Smeraldina!
Brighella slaps both Scapino and Fichetto on their foreheads. Enter the Captain.
CAPTAIN
Good news, your Majesty! The Queen of Commedia
has arrived.
BRIGHELLA
Show her in! Show her in!
The Captain exits. Brighella turns to Scapino and Fichetto.
BRIGHELLA
This will be Smeraldina in disguise!
Enter the QUEEN with the Captain. This is not Smeraldina in disguise; it's the real Queen of Commedia. However, she should be played by an actress who resembles the actress playing Smeraldina enough so that the idea that this might be Smeraldina in disguise would be credible to a group of morons.
QUEEN
Which of you is the King of Zanniland?
BRIGHELLA
That would be me. Which of you is Queen of
Commedia?
Both the Queen and the Captain are shocked by this effrontery.
BRIGHELLA
Aw, I'm just kidding. How ya doing, toots?
QUEEN?
Toots? Did you call me "Toots"?
BRIGHELLA
What's the matter, Queenie? Haven't you
ever had anyone act friendly to you before?
Listen, you do what I tell you, and you'll
have more pals than a cat has fleas!
The Queen turns to the Captain.
QUEEN
Why didn't you tell me this king was deranged?
One can deal with deranged kings if necessary,
it happens in the best of royal families, but one
prefers to be warned beforehand.
Fichetto pulls Scapino and Brighella aside to speak with them privately..
FICHETTO
I don't think that's Smeraldina!
SCAPINO
Of course it is! She said she was a master of disguise!
And if she's really a Queen, where are all her guards and
ladies in waiting?
FICHETTO
Yeah, but....
BRIGHELLA
Shut up and leave this to me.
Brighella turns back to the Queen.
QUEEN
King Brighella, in your country, is it not customary for
men to kneel when a Queen enters the room?
BRIGHELLA
You heard the Queen, you saps! Down on your knees!
Fichetto and Scapino bow.
BRIGHELLA
Sorry, Queenie, these bums don't know how to show
the proper respect to royalty like us. Which reminds me,
shouldn't a Queen like you have lots of beautiful ladies
in waiting? Why don't you bring them out? We were just
saying we could use a few good looking dames around here.
QUEEN
King Brighella, I can forgive your insanity, but the
disparagement of my royal personage approaches
the intolerable.
BRIGHELLA
I didn't mean to suggest you were intolerable. If
you took off about a pound of that make-up, you
might do in a pinch!
QUEEN
A what????
BRIGHELLA
A pinch! You know what a pinch is, don't you?
He reaches behind her and gives her a pinch. She squeals! Unnoticed by Brighella, the real Smeraldina, Truff and Arlo enter together and watch.
QUEEN
I cannot believe you would lay your hand
upon me!
BRIGHELLA
Yeah, lots of women are afraid I won't touch them.
You must think this is your lucky day!
He pinches her again, and she squeals again.
QUEEN
Do you realize who I am?
BRIGHELLA
You bet I do! Now go ge