COMMEDIA!
"The Comedy of Love and War"
by Richard Nathan
Act III
SCENE ONE:
Scene One takes place in the parlor of Pantalone's house. The Captain is berating his daughter Isabella.
CAPTAIN
Isabella, you refuse to show Brighella any
kindness,
the only time you speak to him
is when you insult him,
and you never
allow him to
touch even your hand. Do you
think that's the way a woman should treat
the man she is going to marry?
ISABELLA
Certainly, if the man is an uncouth buffoon, as
charming as a rabid dog, as attractive as a
festering sore, and as endearing as a dead skunk.
CAPTAIN
I sense you're afraid your love for Brighella won't
last.
ISABELLA
It won't last because it never started! It doesn't
exist. It never will exist. I don't love him. It would
be impossible for me to ever love him.
CAPTAIN
I sense you're telling me you don't love him. Can we
at least agree that you like him?
ISABELLA
If he were dying, and if all I had to do to save
his life was to lift my little finger, I would
not lift
it! I would cut it off, smash it with a club,
cut it
into bits with an axe, burn
the bits, and bury
the ashes six feet underground to make certain I
would not accidentally lift my little finger!
CAPTAIN
I understand. You don't like your little finger. But
do you like Brighella?
ISABELLA
No!
CAPTAIN
Could you could learn to like him?
ISABELLA
I'd sooner like being whipped.
CAPTAIN
There are people who like to be whipped. So
there is hope.
ISABELLA
I will never like him and I will never marry him!
CAPTAIN
I pledged you to Brighella! I lost my only son in the
war with Zanniland, but if I can make my peace with
the king of Zanniland, the least you can do is marry him.
If you won't marry him, you'll dishonor me. If you
dishonor
me, I'll have to fall upon my sword.
ISABELLA
Are you threatening to kill yourself, or telling me you're
clumsy?
CAPTAIN
You leave me no choice but to kill myself. I'll give
you three chances to change your
mind. If you
don't, I will fall upon my sword and die!
The Captain takes out his sword and sharp end at the floor and the handle at his stomach.
ISABELLA
You need to turn it around the other way!
CAPTAIN
Don't you tell me how to commit suicide! I'm a
soldier. Now remember, you have only three
chances to cooperate! One...
ISABELLA
I won't do it!
CAPTAIN
Two...
ISABELLA
I won't do it!
CAPTAIN
Three...
ISABELLA
I won't do it!
CAPTAIN
Then neither will I!!!
The Captain throws down his sword. Enter Pantalone with a scroll.
PANTALONE
Captain! The King has responded to the wedding
invitation.
CAPTAIN
I would hope so. He's the groom.
PANTALONE
Not Brighella! Our king, Carlo the king of
Commedia! He's delighted you've arranged
a marriage to end the war with Zanniland!
CAPTAIN
You hear that, daughter? Now you have to
marry Brighella!
PANTALONE
King Carlo doesn't think he can attend because he's
busy hunting pirates. He always hunts pirates at
this time of year. But he is sending the Queen
to represent the royal family!
CAPTAIN
When is she arriving?
Pantalone scans further down the scroll, looking for the answer to the Captain's question.
PANTALONE
It says we can probably expect her highness on
Saturday. That's today! And she wants us
to have the wedding on Sunday! That doesn't
give us much time! She can't expect a big
expensive meal on such short notice.
CAPTAIN
(shouting)
Brighella! Brighella!
Brighella enters.
BRIGHELLA
What's all the shouting about, Pops?
CAPTAIN
The Queen of Commedia is coming to your wedding!
BRIGHELLA
Is she bringing a present? I don't want any guests
let in without a present!
CAPTAIN
I'm sure she'll bring something delightful.
BRIGHELLA
She better, cause if I don't like her gift, she can't have
any food. Or drinks. Have you ever noticed the real
lushes always bring the worst presents? Which
reminds me, when are Isabella and me getting hitched,
anyway?
PANTALONE
The Queen expects to attend the nuptials on
Sunday.
BRIGHELLA
Oh no! She can come to the wedding, but the nuptials
are strictly private!
PANTALONE
Nuptials means the wedding. The ceremony is called
the nuptials.
BRIGHELLA
In that case, she can come. Right, sweetie?
He gives Isabella a swat on the rear. She pulls back her fist to punch him in the gut, but Pantalone and the Captain grab hold of her arms and restrain her. Enter Smeraldina.
SMERALDINA
There are two morons here to see the stupid oaf.
CAPTAIN
That's no way to talk about my future son-in-law!
ISABELLA
How did you know she meant him?
BRIGHELLA
It's obvious!
PANTALONE
I thought she meant my son! But I don't know
where he's gone off to.
Enter Scapino and Fichetto. They bow before Brighella.
SCAPINO & FICHETTO
Your majesty!
PANTALONE
I see two noblemen have come from your court!
BRIGHELLA,
SCAPINO & FICHETTO
(together)
Where?
Brighella, Scapino, & Fichetto look around for the noblemen. Pantalone indicates he was referring to Scapino and Fichetto.
PANTALONE
Aren't these noblemen from your court?
BRIGHELLA
Right. These are my finest noblemen!
PANTALONE
Are they perhaps viscounts?
BRIGHELLA
Viscounts?
FICHETTO
Viscounts?
SCAPINO
Vhy not?
BRIGHELLA
Right. This is Fichetto, the Viscount of Monte Three-
Card, and this is Scapino, the Viscount To-Ten.
FICHETTO
Your majesty, we've got to talk to you right away.
In private.
SCAPINO
Without anyone else around.
BRIGHELLA
You'll excuse us, won't you?
CAPTAIN
Of course.
Isabella, the Captain, Pantalone and Smeraldina exit. Scapino and Fichetto start to follow Smeraldina, but Brighella grabs them.
BRIGHELLA
What's up?
FICHETTO
Three guys from Commedia and that know-it-all
Doctor helped Scaramouche get out of the
dungeon!
BRIGHELLA
How'd they do that?
SCAPINO
They didn't bribe us!!!
BRIGHELLA
How much didn't they bribe you with?
SCAPINO
A hundred scudi.
Brighella slaps Scapino on the forehead.
FICHETTO
You haven't heard the worst part! Scaramouche
pulled the slapstick out of the stone, and now he's
going to be the new king of Zanniland. And two
guys who helped him escape came back here to
spoil your wedding!
BRIGHELLA
I bet those guys are the same ones who captured me!
They were working with that servant girl,
Smeraldina.
If anyone here can spoil my wedding, it's
her!
FICHETTO
You don't give yourself enough credit!
SCAPINO
That's right! If anyone can spoil your
wedding, it's you!
Brighella slaps Scapino on the forehead.
BRIGHELLA
We need to find
out Smeraldina's plans. You two
hide! I'll get her and Isabella to come in here, and you
can spy on them and find out what they're up to!
Fichetto and Scapino hide wherever they can find hiding places on the stage. Brighella calls to Isabella.
BRIGHELLA
Hey, Isabella!
Smeraldina enters.
SMERALDINA
Isabella has nothing to say to you.
BRIGHELLA
Good. I like a woman who keeps her mouth shut.
I just wanted to let you know my friends have left,
and I'm going for a walk, so you and Isabella can have
this room all to yourself, if you like.
Smeraldina just stares at him.
BRIGHELLA
So, I guess I'll be going. I'll be gone for at least an
hour. There's nothing I enjoy so much as a nice
long walk!
SMERALDINA
I don't see anyone keeping you here.
Brighella exits. Smeraldina calls to her allies.
SMERALDINA
It's all right! He's gone.
Isabella, Truff and Arlo enter.
ISABELLA
What can we do? The Queen wants me to
marry Brighella! And she's coming here for
the wedding. She's expected today!
ARLO
Lelio will be here as soon as he gets the new
king crowned.
ISABELLA
But what if the Queen gets here first? How can I
change her mind
about Brighella?
SMERALDINA
We don't have to change the Queen's mind, if we
can change the Queen!
ISABELLA
What?
SMERALDINA
No one here has ever met the Queen, right? So I'll
disguise myself, pretend to be the Queen, and then as
the Queen, I'll order you not to marry Brighella!
TRUFF
What if the Queen shows up while you're doing
your act?
SMERALDINA
You and Arlo have to watch out for her. Go quickly!
If you see her coming, tell
the Queen this house is
quarantined because of the
plague!
Arlo and Truff start to leave, but Smeraldina stops them.
SMERALDINA
Hey! Why aren't you two fighting over me?
ARLO
That's right!
TRUFF
In all the excitement, we forgot!
Arlo and Truff try to kill each other, but Smeraldina stops them.
ISABELLA
Later! Go watch out for the Queen!
Arlo and Truff exit.
ISABELLA
What if someone recognizes you?
SMERALDINA
I'm a master of disguise. I guarantee no one will know
it's me. But we have to move fast. Come help me get
ready!
Smeraldina and Isabella go of to another room. A moment after they've gone, Scapino and Fichetto come out from their hiding places. Fichetto goes to where Brighella exited and whistles. A moment later, Brighella enters.
BRIGHELLA
Did you learn her plans?
FICHETTO
Yeah, she's going to disguise herself as the Queen!
But then the two guys are going to tell her the
house is quarantined with the plague to keep her
away. And so when she stays away, you can go
ahead and get married
after all!
BRIGHELLA
That's her plan?
SCAPINO
Yeah!
BRIGHELLA
That doesn't make any sense!!!
SCAPINO
I guess she isn't as clever as you thought she was!
Brighella slaps Scapino on the forehead.
BRIGHELLA
Neither are you! There must be some reason why
she'd want to be told not to come here...
Scapino and Fichetto try to figure out a reason.
FICHETTO
Some reason why she'd want to stay away...
SCAPINO
Some reason she'd want to be warned of the plague...
They all to the same conclusion, simultaneously!
BRIGHELLA, FICHETTO
& SCAPINO
The plague!!!
BRIGHELLA
Wait a minute! If the plague was here, wouldn't
someone be sick? Has anyone seen any
symptoms?
FICHETTO
You don't look so good. Your skin looks kind
of gray The bags under your eyes have bags. And
your breathe smells like a rat's armpit.
BRIGHELLA
Sounds like the plague! When did you first notice
these changes?
FICHETTO
What changes?
Brighella slaps Fichetto on the forehead.
BRIGHELLA
What we need is a doctor! What would you do if
you were a doctor and I had the plague?
FICHETTO
Stay as far away from you as possible!
SCAPINO
Hey, that's not how doctors behave! They're sworn
to help the sick, to aid humanity. Even if someone
had a deadly, contagious disease, a doctor would
be the last person to stay away!
BRIGHELLA
You sound like you know what you're talking about!
If you were a doctor, and I had the plague, what
would you tell me to do?
SCAPINO
Pay in advance!
Brighella slaps Scapino on the forehead.
BRIGHELLA
Wait a minute. If this house was really infected with
the plague, why would Smeraldina leave her friends
here?
SCAPINO
But she sent those two guys to warn the Queen away.
And Smeraldina said she was going to pretend to be
the Queen.
BRIGHELLA
You morons! She sent those guys to warn the real
Queen to stay away! She wants to be sure the only
Queen who shows up here today is her, Smeraldina!
Brighella slaps both Scapino and Fichetto on their foreheads. Enter the Captain.
CAPTAIN
Good news, your Majesty! The Queen of Commedia
has arrived.
BRIGHELLA
Show her in! Show her in!
The Captain exits. Brighella turns to Scapino and Fichetto.
BRIGHELLA
This will be Smeraldina in disguise!
Enter the QUEEN with the Captain. This is not Smeraldina in disguise; it's the real Queen of Commedia. However, she should be played by an actress who resembles the actress playing Smeraldina enough so that the idea that this might be Smeraldina in disguise would be credible to a group of morons.
QUEEN
Which of you is the King of Zanniland?
BRIGHELLA
That would be me. Which of you is Queen of
Commedia?
Both the Queen and the Captain are shocked by this effrontery.
BRIGHELLA
Aw, I'm just kidding. How ya doing, toots?
QUEEN?
Toots? Did you call me "Toots"?
BRIGHELLA
What's the matter, Queenie? Haven't you
ever had anyone act friendly to you before?
Listen, you do what I tell you, and you'll
have more pals than a cat has fleas!
The Queen turns to the Captain.
QUEEN
Why didn't you tell me this king was deranged?
One can deal with deranged kings if necessary,
it happens in the best of royal families, but one
prefers to be warned beforehand.
Fichetto pulls Scapino and Brighella aside to speak with them privately..
FICHETTO
I don't think that's Smeraldina!
SCAPINO
Of course it is! She said she was a master of disguise!
And if she's really a Queen, where are all her guards and
ladies in waiting?
FICHETTO
Yeah, but....
BRIGHELLA
Shut up and leave this to me.
Brighella turns back to the Queen.
QUEEN
King Brighella, in your country, is it not customary for
men to kneel when a Queen enters the room?
BRIGHELLA
You heard the Queen, you saps! Down on your knees!
Fichetto and Scapino bow.
BRIGHELLA
Sorry, Queenie, these bums don't know how to show
the proper respect to royalty like us. Which reminds me,
shouldn't a Queen like you have lots of beautiful ladies
in waiting? Why don't you bring them out? We were just
saying we could use a few good looking dames around here.
QUEEN
King Brighella, I can forgive your insanity, but the
disparagement of my royal personage approaches
the intolerable.
BRIGHELLA
I didn't mean to suggest you were intolerable. If
you took off about a pound of that make-up, you
might do in a pinch!
QUEEN
A what????
BRIGHELLA
A pinch! You know what a pinch is, don't you?
He reaches behind her and gives her a pinch. She squeals! Unnoticed by Brighella, the real Smeraldina, Truff and Arlo enter together and watch.
QUEEN
I cannot believe you would lay your hand
upon me!
BRIGHELLA
Yeah, lots of women are afraid I won't touch them.
You must think this is your lucky day!
He pinches her again, and she squeals again.
QUEEN
Do you realize who I am?
BRIGHELLA
You bet I do! Now go get me some beer, like a
good serving wench!
CAPTAIN
Your Majesty, please forgive us all. I'm sure there's
been some dreadful mistake.
BRIGHELLA
Yeah, and the mistake's all hers. Watch what
happens when I take off that ridiculous wig!
Brighella grabs the Queen's hair and tries to pull it off. The Queen yelps in pain. Smeraldina decides it is time for her to speak up.
SMERALDINA
I don't think it's coming off, Brighella.
Brighella stops, horrified! The Queen looks at him enraged.
QUEEN
I will not permit you to marry a Commedian girl. I will not
permit you to breathe our Commedian air. Perhaps if
I start to feel more lenient than I am feeling now, I will
permit you to be buried in our Commedian dirt. But
it is more likely, that I will feed your corpse to our
Commedian wolves!
The Queen spins on her heels, and marches out of the room! The Captain runs after her.
SMERALDINA
She seems angry!
Brighella turns on Fichetto and Scapino.
BRIGHELLA
You nitwits told me you heard Smeraldina say
she was going to disguise herself as the Queen!
SMERALDINA
They heard what I wanted them to hear. Do you think
we didn't see them hiding in the room? I guess this
means an end to your marriage to Isabella!
TRUFF
I wouldn't stick around here if I were you. You
might catch the plague!
Smeraldina, Truff and Arlo exit. Brighella fumes at Fichetto and Scapino.
FICHETTO
I tried to warn you that wasn't Smeraldina!
SCAPINO
How did you know?
FICHETTO
I knew her years ago.
BRIGHELLA
You knew the Queen of Commedia?
FICHETTO
No! I knew her back when she was Flavia, the
tavern-keeper's daughter.
BRIGHELLA
Tavern-keeper's daughter! Are you sure?
FICHETTO
Absolutely. Roberto the tavern-keeper!
Enter the Captain.
CAPTAIN
This is awful. The Queen's guards have
surrounded the house. She says you'll never
leave this place alive.
BRIGHELLA
Don't worry about a thing, Pops. You just
tell the Queen I have a message for her from
Roberto the tavern-keeper! She'll
understand.
CAPTAIN
A tavern keeper! Are you sure that won't make
things worse?
BRIGHELLA
Trust me, Pops. Everything's going to be just fine!
The Captain exits.
BRIGHELLA
This could work out even better than we planned!
FICHETTO
Yeah! What was our plan?
SCAPINO
To tell the Queen we had the plague!
FICHETTO
Oh yeah!
BRIGHELLA
You half-wits! That was Smeraldina's plan!
FICHETTO
Well, if it was good enough for her...
He is interrupted by the entrance of the Queen, who glares at them.
BRIGHELLA
Hey, Flavia, how's your dad the tavern-keeper these
days?
QUEEN
I have no idea what you are talking about, you revolting
insect!
BRIGHELLA
This half-wit here claims you're Flavia, the daughter of
Roberto, the tavern-keeper.
QUEEN
Who cares what half-wits claim?
FICHETTO & SCAPINO
Other half-wits.
BRIGHELLA
There are an awful lot of half-wits in the world.
FICHETTO
Yeah, and we listen to each other.
QUEEN
I doubt anyone would listen to you after I had you
beheaded!
BRIGHELLA
Sure, you could cut off his head, but some other half-wit
would rise up and take his place, and then another, and
another, and soon there would be an army of half-wits
out there, shoulder to shoulder, ready to march in
unison...
Fichetto and Scapino try to demonstrate marching in unison, but one keeps falling out of step with the other.
BRIGHELLA
Okay, maybe not in unison. Half-wits have trouble
marching in unison. But they'll be marching side by side!
FICHETTO
Together! United!
SCAPINO
Millions of us!
BRIGHELLA
There's no end to the half-wits of the world! And they'll
tell each other you're the tavern keeper's daughter!
QUEEN
What is it you want from me?
FICHETTO
Simple, your highness. If you can't beat the half-wits,
join them! Make us your allies. Recognize Brighella
as the King of Zanniland, and every half-wit at his
command will be devoted to you.
QUEEN
For a half-wit, you make a surprising amount of sense!
SCAPINO
So you're one of us?
QUEEN
I'll never be one of you, but I'll support your cause, if you'll
support mine. My husband the King and our people
believe I'm a princess from a far-off land. If you don't say
anything to disabuse them of their notions, I'll support you.
BRIGHELLA
Thanks, Queenie! Fichetto, go tell everyone the wedding is
back on. In fact, tell them it's been moved up to this
afternoon!
Fichetto exits.
BRIGHELLA
There's one more thing. There's a guy named
Scaramouch who may show up
claiming to be the new
king of Zanniland.
If he tries to get in here, you've got to
arrest him as an enemy of Commedia. That way, I stay
King and Zanniland remains your loyal ally.
QUEEN
Very well. Give his description to my guards and tell
them to arrest him on sight.
BRIGHELLA
And anyone who's with him!
QUEEN
And tell them to arrest anyone with this Scaramouche.
BRIGHELLA
(to Scapino)
You heard the Queen! Go tell her guards.
Scapino exits.
QUEEN
But if
you or any of your friends so much as
breathes a
word about my being a tavern-keepers daughter,
I'll have
your heads on pikes!
Brighella react to the threat. He decides to change the subject.
BRIGHELLA
Let's start getting ready for the wedding. What do we
need?
QUEEN
Has the priest arrived?
BRIGHELLA
I don't think so. I'll go see if I can dig up a priest!
Exit Brighella. As soon as he is gone, Isabella enters and falls to her knees in front of the Queen.
ISABELLA
Your Majesty, tell me it isn't true! You're not going to
force me to marry Brighella, are you?
QUEEN
He is a king, Isabella, and marrying him will bring peace
between our countries.
ISABELLA
But I love someone else!
QUEEN
I am sorry, but you must do as your father and your
Queen command!.
ISABELLA
I know I owe allegiance to the crown.
My father too deserves my deep respect.
I'm not a fool who can't tell up from down.
For chaos reigns when order we neglect.
The rabbit does not bid the lion run.
The sparrow does not rule the eagle's lair.
The snowflake does not seek to freeze the sun.
The lesser can't the greater overbear.
But nothing overbears the love that gives
A purpose for my heart to stay alive.
Without the heart the body can
not live.
Without my love, my heart will not survive.
And so the power of love grows greater still
Than all the power of any tyrant's will.
Isabella starts to exit, but before she can leave the room, the Queen stops her.
QUEEN
Wait! You've claimed you'll die without the man
you love. What about all the people who will die
if your marriage doesn't end the war between
Commedia and Zanniland?
ISABELLA
A new king is being crowned in Zanniland, and he's
coming here! Wait until he arrives, and you can
make peace with him!
QUEEN
What if the Zannies crown yet another king while your
new king is here? The Zannies are far too
accommodating to the usurpers. That sort of behavior
sets a poor example to our own people. No, if there is to
be any peace and order, the Zannies must accept Brighella
and submit to his rule and his alliance with Commedia.
As your Queen, I order you to marry Brighella, for
the good of both our kingdoms!
ISABELLA
But...
QUEEN
I have spoken! I will not change my mind!
Pantalone runs in and kneels.
PANTALONE
Your Majesty, your husband the King has
arrived!
Enter Carlo, the KING of Commedia. Isabella kneels. The Queen is surprised to see her husband.
QUEEN
Carlo! I thought you were hunting pirates!
KING
We couldn't find any! After the record numbers we
killed last year, they must have decided to leave
Commedia for good! We searched the length and
breadth of the Kingdom, and there wasn't
a sign of
pirates, not so much as an
eye patch or a parrot to be
found!
QUEEN
That seems odd. Commedia has always been troubled
with pirates.
KING
Not any more. My finest pirate hunters searched
everywhere! Take my word for it.
There are no
pirates left in Commedia.
Enter Fichetto, Scapino and Brighella.
FICHETTO
Hey!
SCAPINO
Guess what we found!
BRIGHELLA
Pirates!
FICHETTO
We went out looking for a priest to perform the marriage
rites, and we found one. He's a pirate priest!
Brighella notices that Pantalone and Isabella are kneeling.
BRIGHELLA
Hey, why are you two kneeling? Did someone drop a coin?
KING
They are kneeling for me.
BRIGHELLA
Oh, you dropped a coin?
KING
I happen to be the King of Commedia. And let
me assure you, you did not find any pirates. To the
untrained eye, any coarsened sailor might seem like
a pirate, but an expert can always tell a true pirate by
very subtle signs. What makes you think the men you
found are pirates?
BRIGHELLA
(calling)
Hey, Pops, bring in the pirates!
The Captain leads in Lelio, the Doctor and Scaramouche who are heavily disguised as pirates. Each wears an eye patch and has a stuffed parrot attached to his shoulder. Each has phony facial hair (a beard and/or mustache) to assist in the disguise. Each of them looks and acts like he's competing in a Robert Newton impersonation contest. (Robert Newton was the classic Long John Silver.) Lelio and Scaramouche do excellent impersonations. The Doctor tries, but he is too much of a boring old pedant to carry off a really good pirate impersonation. Scaramouche needs to wear a sword for an upcoming sword fight. Lelio and the Doctor don't need to have swords.
LELIO
Harr! We be pirates, that we be!
DOCTOR
Aye, maties. Sink me if I be not a pirate.
SCARAMOUCHE
And I be a pirate priest! You may lay to that!
Harr, me lads!
QUEEN
How can a priest be a pirate?
SCARAMOUCHE
The job of a priest be to save souls, be it
not? And whose soul be needing saving
more
than a pirate's? Harr!
KING
I am King Carlo of Commedia and I have outlawed
piracy in this kingdom.
SCARAMOUCHE
Harr! Begging your pardon, your highness, but
be you not known far and wide for saying it's a
good day when you can behold a pirate?
KING
No, I am known for saying it is a good day when
you can behead a pirate.
Lelio and Scaramouche glare at the Doctor.
DOCTOR
In Zanniland, it was always reported that he said
"behold a pirate!"
KING
In Commedia, the penalty for piracy is pain of death!
LELIO
Harr! No! Not pain of death! Harr!
DOCTOR
Anything but pain of death! Mercy, your Majesty!
SCARAMOUCHE
We were leaving your kingdom, when we heard
scuttlebutt that someone was looking for a priest
to perform a marriage ceremony. Being helpful pirates,
we cast anchor to offer our assistance. Harr!
QUEEN
Carlo, perhaps you could be lenient this once. We do
need a priest for the wedding ceremony.
Isabella, still on her knees, turns to King Carlo.
ISABELLA
I beg you, your Majesty, don't ask me to marry a
man I hate!
BRIGHELLA
Who's asking? His Majesty is ordering you,
right, Carlo?
SCARAMOUCHE
Harr! And people say pirates be cruel!
KING
It's not a matter of cruelty. It's a matter of requiring
my subjects to do what is best for their country.
Young lady, you must marry this man. And you,
pirate priest, whatever your name is...
LELIO
We calls him Father Scum-Bucket....
SCARAMOUCHE
That's Captain Father Scum-Bucket!
KING
You, Captain Father Scum-Bucket, will marry this girl
to this man now, or I'll have you and your friends
beheaded!
CAPTAIN
Gather round, maties! It's time to start the wedding.
Smeraldina enters and curtsies before Pantalone.
SMERALDINA
Pantalone, Arlo and Ruff wanted me to ask you
if they may throw rice at the wedding.
PANTALONE
Rice is so expensive. I hate to see it wasted.
SMERALDINA
We won't waste any.
(calling to the boys off stage)
It's okay boys!!
From the wings, Arlo and Truff through sacks of rice at Brighella (with the rice still in the sacks). After they've thrown about ten little sacks, they enter carrying great big sacks and beat Brighella with them. (All the sacks should be labeled "RICE" in big letters.)
BRIGHELLA
Hey!
PANTALONE
Stop that! Wait until after the ceremony!
CAPTAIN
And take the rice out of the sacks first!
PANTALONE
You mind your own business!
KING
No more delays! Begin the ceremony, now!!!
SCARAMOUCHE
Very well. Maties, we be gathered here this day
to splice together in the shackles of holy matrimony...
QUEEN
Bonds of holy matrimony! The correct phrase is "bonds
of holy matrimony!"
SCARAMOUCHE
Bonds or shackles, they be the same thing, be they not?
Very well, we be here to splice together in the bonds of
holy matrimony this comely wench and this lubberly swab.
Be there anyone present who knows of
just cause why
these two should not be spliced, let him speak now or
forever hold his peace.
ISABELLA
I know just cause. I don't love him. He doesn't love me!
He's just doing this to form a political alliance. It's all
politics!
QUEEN
You say that like it's a bad thing. This is a
chance for Commedia and Zanniland to be
allies! This marriage should make everyone
happy!
ISABELLA
Except the bride!
SMERALDINA
And the servants!
LELIO
And the pirates!
SCARAMOUCHE
Brighella isn't even the real king of Zanniland!
The King is genuinely surprised by this news.
BRIGHELLA
Says who?
SCARAMOUCHE
It is I, Scaramouche, the Zanni! Ha ha!
Scaramouche throws off his disguise and draws his sword.
BRIGHELLA
Oh, a usurper! Get him, boys!
Brighella, Fichetto and Scapino
all draw their swords, but Scaramouche quickly disarms them, even though he is
fighting three to one. The Zannies drop their swords. However, while
this is going on, the Captain sneaks up behind Scaramouche, draws his own sword,
and deftly places the point of the blade against Scaramouche's back.
CAPTAIN
Did you think I would let you steal the crown
from my future son-in-law?
Scaramouche spins around and disarms the Captain. He aims his own sword at the Captain's chest.
SCARAMOUCHE
In a word, yes!
CAPTAIN
Well, .. I just thought I'd ask.
SCARAMOUCHE
Don't worry, I would never kill an unarmed man!
CAPTAIN
Oh! That's good!
SCARAMOUCHE
Pick up your sword!
CAPTAIN
But wouldn't that make me armed?
KING
Who is this man?
The Doctor removes his disguise.
DOCTOR
He calls himself Scaramouche. He was a baby, found
on battlefield twenty-five years ago, when Zanniland
last beat back the forces of Commedia. No one knows
who his parents were.
CAPTAIN
I believe I know.
SCARAMOUCHE
What! Did you kill my father?
CAPTAIN
I am your father!
PANTALONE
You said you lost your son in the war!
CAPTAIN
I did! I misplaced him during the retreat! And
now my little baby boy has come back to me!
SCARAMOUCHE
Father!
Scaramouche embraces the Captain.
BRIGHELLA
Does that mean we're not allies anymore?
CAPTAIN
I can't ally with anyone against my own son, the
King of Zanniland!
BRIGHELLA
Queenie, you better tell him who's the real king of
the Zannies!
KING
Peasant! You dare to address my wife the Queen as
"Queenie!"
Brighella looks at the Queen, waiting for her to say something. There is nothing she can say. She shrugs.
BRIGHELLA
Very well. I hate to be the one to break the bad
news to your Majesty, but your wife isn't really a
princess from a far off land! She's really a tavern
keepers daughter!
KING
Really? A tavern keeper's daughter!
BRIGHELLA
I have witnesses!
The King puts his arm around his wife.
KING
You know, I always had a fancy for tavern keepers'
daughters! Were you saucy?
QUEEN
I was very saucy.
The King gives her an affectionate squeeze.
QUEEN
Oooh, your Majesty!
BRIGHELLA
I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you!!!
Brighella storms out. A moment letter he comes back on and drags Fichetto and Scapino off with him.
Smeraldina turns to Isabella.
SMERALDINA
You know what this means? You can marry your
true love, Lelio!
ARLO
And I can marry Smeraldina!
TRUFF
No, I can marry Smeraldina!
Arlo and Truff pick up the bags of rice and throw them at each other. Smeraldina yells at them.
SMERALDINA
Stop it!
Arlo and Truff stop fighting. Smeraldina turns back to Isabella.
SMERALDINA
As I was saying, you can marry your true love,
Lelio!
CAPTAIN
Lelio! He didn't even bother coming to your wedding!
Lelio whips off his disguise.
LELIO
Of course I did!
ISABELLA
Lelio!
The lovers run into each other arms!
ISABELLA
Surely you will let me marry him now, Father!
CAPTAIN
I don' know. Now that you are a King's sister. I
don't know if it is fit for you to marry a peasant!
SCARAMOUCHE
He is my friend! In time, I am sure he will show
he is worthy to marry my sister.
LELIO
In time?????
ISABELLA
Don't worry, my love. Think how far we've come.
LELIO
Our path had obstacles at every turn,
And turns like undulations of a snake...
PANTALONE
You're not going to recite another bad sonnet, are
you?
DOCTOR
If there's one thing I despise, it's lousy poetry.
SCARAMOUCHE
I never retreat from anything, except rotten verse!
CAPTAIN
Exactly right, my son!
Pantalone, the Doctor, Scaramouche and the Captain exit. Smeraldina, Arlo and Truff look at each other, and they start to edge off the stage as well.
TRUFF
We'd love to stay boss, but we've got to go fight over
Smeraldina.
Smeraldina, Arlo and Truff exit.
ISABELLA
Don't mind them, my love. You were saying...?
LELIO
Our path had obstacles at every turn,
And turns like undulations of a snake.
The route was long and difficult to learn,
The road true lovers often have to take.
ISABELLA
When countries go to war without a cause,
When parents tell their children whom to wed,
When tyrants rule by whim instead of law,
Then from this world have truth and justice fled!
LELIO
`
But love remains and strengthens every day.
This giant love knocks obstacles aside!
ISABELLA
No force on earth can stop it or delay;
No more than King Canute could stop the tide.
LELIO
This love controls all aspects of my life!
ISABELLA
This love will some day make us man and wife!
They kiss.
Truff and Arlo roll onto the stage, wresting with each other. Smeraldina follows them on, trying to separate them.
Curtain!
THE END OF ACT III
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COMMEDIA!
More plays
coming soon.
The next one will probably have a pirate theme.
© 2004 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.