COMMEDIA!
"The Comedy of Love and War"
by Richard Nathan
This play takes place sometime in the imaginary 18th Century, in the imaginary kingdoms of Commedia and Zanniland.
Act I
SCENE ONE:
Near a pig sty on Pantalone's estate. PANTALONE enters and looks offstage in disgust. Lying on the ground, relaxing, are his son LELIO and Lelio's servants ARLO (short for Arlecchino) and TRUFF (short for Truffaldino).
PANTALONE
Disgraceful! My son and his two servants
relaxing in the sun, while right over there,
my estate looks like a pig sty!
Pantalone points off-stage to the part of his estate that looks like a pig sty. Lelio looks in the direction where Pantalone is pointing.
LELIO
Dad, that is a pig sty.
PANTALONE
That's no reason for it to look like one. I'm forty,
but do I look forty?
TRUFF
(under his breath)
You're fifty and look sixty!
PANTALONE
What was that?
TRUFF
I said you're fit and look sexy!
PANTALONE
That's true. Now get that place cleaned up! We're
expecting company!
ARLO
In the pig sty?
PANTALONE
My old friend Captain Cocodrillo is coming to visit.
He's a very important man.
LELIO
So naturally he'll be concerned with the cleanliness
of our pig sty.
ARLO
I like our pig sty. It's brown. Brown's a good
color for a pig sty.
PANTALONE
The Captain will want to view the entire estate. No
detail is too small to escape
his attention. That's the
military mind for you! I remember when I was one of
his foot soldiers. Every morning he'd inspect
my feet.
He said I had the trimmest toenails in the regiment!
TRUFF
(under his breath)
I can't believe you won that war.
PANTALONE
What was that?
TRUFF
I said, I can't believe your feet weren't sore.
LELIO
Why is he coming here?
PANTALONE
He's leading our noble forces of Commedia against
the hordes of Zanniland. You might join him and
cover yourself in glory!
TRUFF
(under his breath)
Cover yourself in gore.
PANTALONE
What was that?
TRUFF
I said I love a good war.
PANTALONE
Good. Maybe my son will go and take you two
with him.
ARLO
I can't go to war! I have to clean the pig sty!
PANTALONE
Then get to it! What are you waiting for?
Lelio, Arlo and Truff stand.
ARLO
(under his breath)
Miserable goat. You're the meanest man! War
isn't fun, and you're creaky old fool.
PANTALONE
What was that?
ARLO
Nothing!
PANTALONE
I thought I heard you say I was a miserable goat.
Arlo has heard Truff get out of similar situations before. He looks to Truff for encouragement, and Truff nods his head at Arlo. Arlo gives it a try.
ARLO
I said I miss my coat.
PANTALONE
That I was the meanest man.
ARLO
It was green and tan.
PANTALONE
War isn't fun.
ARLO
It kept me warm, like the sun.
PANTALONE
I'm a creaky old fool!
ARLO
A creepy old mule!
Pantalone kicks Arlo in the pants.
PANTALONE
Arlecchino! Aren't you ashamed! I think
Truffaldino
here has had a bad influence on you, but you can be
better than that. I know in my heart you're loyal to me.
You understand the deference a servant owes his
master. If you look deep within
yourself, I know
you can be the kind, sensitive, obedient, devoted servant,
that I know in my heart you are.
ARLO
I know in my heart you're a louse.
Pantalone kicks Arlo again.
PANTALONE
Clean up that sty! And make sure you put all the
pig droppings where the Captain won't see them!
Pantalone exits.
TRUFF
Hey, boss, you're not going to go to the war,
are you?
LELIO
Why not? It couldn't be worse than cleaning up
pig droppings, could it?
TRUFF
Nobody ever died from pig droppings.
ARLO
My uncle did. He walked under a cliff, and
somebody dropped a pig on him. They said
it was a hamicidal maniac.
LELIO
I'll tell you what. If you boys will cart away the pig
droppings and hide them someplace the Captain
won't find them, I'll fix the fence, hoe the ground, and
put fresh feed and water in the troughs.
TRUFF
You got a deal! Come on, Arlo!
ARLO
After you, Truff.
Truff and Arlo exit toward the sty. As they leave, ISABELLA enters.
ISABELLA
Excuse me, sir, I fear I'm lost. Can you tell me
where I might find...
Lelio turns, and when their eyes meet, it is love at first sight.
LELIO
Above.
ISABELLA
I beg your pardon?
LELIO
I recognize an angel when I see
You shining bright enough to blind the sun.
No mortal woman's eyes could capture me
Within the magic web your eyes have spun.
And so I tell you heaven is above,
For heaven is the place where angels dwell.
And yet I lie, for I will swear by love
That heaven's in your eyes! A fool could tell!
ISABELLA
I think my eyes indeed know heaven's grace
When they behold yourself and look upon
Your handsome, fine and honest manly face.
I look, and know my heart's forever won.
LELIO
It's you I'll love past reason and past rhyme.
ISABELLA
And you I'll love until the end of time.
They kiss.
LELIO
What is your name, sweet angel?
ISABELLA
Isabella. And yours, dearest heart?
LELIO
Lelio.
They kiss again.
LELIO
When shall we marry?
ISABELLA
The instant my father says yes.
LELIO
He couldn't say no! It isn't possible!
ISABELLA
We've only just met, but I know we are fated
to wed.
LELIO
That's true beyond all doubt.
ISABELLA
Where do you live?
LELIO
In that house, on the hill.
ISABELLA
I must tell my father. We're staying at the inn. I
was headed there, but lost my way. No, my way
was lost until I found you; now all is found!
LELIO
The only inn I know of is straight down that road.
I'll take you there!
ISABELLA
No. It's best I see him first, to prepare him. I'll
bring him here to meet you.
LELIO
Are we to be parted already?
ISABELLA
Only for an hour, my love, my life, my soul!
LELIO
It will be a thousand lifetimes of torture until you return!
ISABELLA
My servant, Smeraldina, was following me, but she's
so slow, she fell behind. If you see her, will you
direct her to the inn?
LELIO
Of course, divine quintessence of love.
ISABELLA
My darling, I must go now, or I will never be able
to leave your side.
LELIO
Then stay, and never leave me.
ISABELLA
I must, but only for an hour! My heart will beat
only for you until I see you again.
LELIO
And mine will beat only for you for ever after.
They kiss, and as they gaze into each others' eyes, Isabella exits. Lelio stands looking after her. A moment later, Truff and Arlo enter.
TRUFF
Hey, boss, we hid the pig droppings where the Captain
will never find them, unless he looks in the tool shed.
LELIO
I've never been this happy! The world is a marvelous
place!
TRUFF
Yeah, it's always better when you hide the pig
droppings.
LELIO
Truff, Arlo, I'm in love! Everything is perfect!
ARLO
Does that mean you're not fixing the pig sty?
LELIO
It doesn't need fixing! That's the most beautiful pig
sty I've ever seen. I'm going up to the house to tell
my father the news!
ARLO
Tell him to stand back next time he opens the tool shed.
Lelio starts to leave, then comes back. He turns to Arlo and Truff.
LELIO
I need you to do something for me. Wait here until
a girl named Smeraldina comes up the road. When she
gets here, tell her how to get to the inn.
Lelio runs off.
TRUFF
Smeraldina! That must be the girl the boss is in love with.
ARLO
Must be. What do you think she's like?
TRUFF
If the boss lover her, she must be sweet, delicate, refined,
a real lady!
Enter SMERALDINA oozing with bawdy sex appear. This girl is triple-X rated.
SMERALDINA
Hi boys, my name is Smeraldina.
TRUFF
Or maybe not.
SMERALDINA
I've lost my way. Would one of you be sweet enough
to guide me to the inn?
Truff pulls Arlo aside.
TRUFF
This girl's not right for the boss. To protect him, I
think I better take her off his hands.
ARLO
You'd do that for him?
TRUFF
It won't be easy, but somebody's got to do it.
ARLO
I could do it.
TRUFF
You? She'd eat you alive!
ARLO
Maybe. But I'd do it for the boss.
TRUFF
No, I'll do it for the boss!
ARLO
I'll do it!
TRUFF
I saw her first!
Truff and Arlo start fighting. They end up with their hands around their necks, each trying to strangle the other.
SMERALDINA
You boys aren't fighting over me, are you?
She gently separates the two servants.
ARLO
No, we're fighting over who gets to help the boss.
SMERALDINA
Couldn't you help me find the inn?
TRUFF
Sure, we'll help you in just a minute.
ARLO
We just have one thing we have to finish first.
SMERALDINA
What's that?
Truff and Arlo resume trying to kill each other. Once again, Smeraldina gently parts them.
SMERALDINA
Stop it! Stop it! Wouldn't you rather be a lover than
a fighter?
TRUFF
Sure, just as soon as I kill him.
ARLO
You'll kill me over my dead body!!!
They resume fighting.
SMERALDINA
If that's the way you feel about it, I'll find the inn on
my own!
She storms off stage, but Truff and Arlo are too busy fighting to notice. After a moment, they notice she is gone and stop fighting.
TRUFF
Hey, where'd she go?
ARLO
She's gone! She didn't even say goodbye!
TRUFF
Isn't that just like a woman? You can't rely on them!
ARLO
I'm sorry we fought over her.
TRUFF
Me too. But we're friends, now, right?
ARLO
Friends forever!
They shake hands and pat each other on the back. Smeraldina re-enters.
SMERALDINA
I was just thinking....
Immediately, Truff and Arlo go back to trying to kill each other.
SMERALDINA
Never mind!
She exits again. Blackout.
SCENE TWO:
The parlor of Pantalone's house. Pantalone is lost in thought. Lelio enters.
LELIO
Father! I'm in love!
PANTALONE
Oh? Does she have a big dowry?
LELIO
I didn't ask.
PANTALONE
I've told you a thousand times, I won't let
you wed unless there's a big dowry.
You've never paid enough attention to finances!
LELIO
I don't need your permission to marry.
PANTALONE
But you need my money! Now sit down! I
want you to help me decide what to serve the
Captain for dinner!
Pantalone hands a quill and a piece of paper to Lelio and sits him down at a table.
LELIO
But I'm in love!
PANTALONE
Write this down: tender roast capons; green peas,
fine imported wine, and for desert, apple pie with
ice cream and pistachio
nuts.
LELIO
I met the most wonderful girl. Her name is Isabella.
PANTALONE
Read me back what I said.
LELIO
Roast capons, green peas, fine imported wine, and apple
pie with ice cream and pistachio nuts.
PANTALONE
Nothing is too good for my friend the Captain.
LELIO
Sounds expensive.
PANTALONE
Expensive?
LELIO
This will cost more than you usually spend on our food
for an entire month.
Pantalone looks over Lelio's shoulder at the list.
LELIO
Let me tell you about Isabella!
PANTALONE
On the other hand, I'm sure the Captain won't want pie
or ice cream. He needs to stay trim for the war!
LELIO
That leaves capons, peas, fine imported wine,
and pistachio nuts.
PANTALONE
Nothing's too good for the Captain.
LELIO
That's how I feel about Isabella. She...
PANTALONE
He might not like the imported wine. Imported means
foreign. He's about to go to war for his country!
I'm sure he'd prefer
to drink a nice,
pure glass of
water from a Commedian well! It's so much more
patriotic!
LELIO
That leaves capons, peas and pistachio nuts.
PANTALONE
That's still a fine meal, and nothing's too good for the
Captain. Wait a minute! Did you say "peas"? I can't
serve peas to a soldier! It sounds too much like "peace!"
He'd think I was insulting him.
LELIO
That leaves capons and pistachio nuts.
PANTALONE
Well, nothing's too... hmmm. Aren't capons neutered
fowl? I can't have anything neutered for the Captain!
No, absolutely not. It's not manly.
LELIO
That leaves nuts.
PANTALONE
I can't ask the Captain to eat just nuts!
LELIO
So take away the nuts.
PANTALONE
Which leaves....
LELIO
Nothing!
PANTALONE
Well, nothing's too good for the Captain!
LELIO
Let me tell you about Isabella!!!
Enter the Truff and Arlo.
TRUFF
Hey, boss, there's some old man here to
see your father.
Enter the CAPTAIN!
CAPTAIN
Signor Pantalone!
PANTALONE
Captain Cocodrillo!
The two old men embrace. The Captain takes off his coat and hands it to Arlo.
CAPTAIN
Here, take my coat! Take good care of it, or I'll
see you are beaten severely!
Arlo and Truff exit with the coat.
PANTALONE
I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow!