THE PARODY ZONE
By Richard Nathan
No one is on the stage. The voice of the HOST is heard (either from the wings or from the sound system).
HOST
(off-stage)
There is a world that exists outside the edges
of the imagination, an unearthly realm that
shamelessly rips off a classic television series
of the Nineteen Sixties. Our lawyers have
demanded that we
call this place ... The
Parody Zone.
The "Parody Zone" theme music is played.
Lights come up as GEORGE BUSH enters with a NAVY PILOT, both dressed in flight suits enter and sit on two chairs, side by side. The Pilot is flying an S-3B Viking Jet aircraft.
BUSH
Hey! Cool jet! How 'bout letting me fly her?
Just for a minute. That'd be neat.
NAVY PILOT
I'm sorry, Mr. President. My orders are that
I maintain control at all times.
BUSH
Oh, come on. I'm Commander in Chief!
That means I make the orders.
NAVY PILOT
It's against the rules.
BUSH
Hey! I'll tell you what's against the rules!
Disobeying your President! Oh come on,
just let me take over for a minute. Just so's
I can tell
Cheney I did it. He thinks he's so
great. I bet he's never
flown a S-2B2!
NAVY PILOT
This is an S-3B, Mr. President.
BUSH
Whatever. We didn't have these when I was
in the Guard. I don't think. My memory of
those days is a little hazy. Hey, you let me take
over the controls, or you may find yourself
re-assigned to latrine duty in Gitmo Bay.
NAVY PILOT
All right, Mr. President. But just for a minute.
Bush takes the controls.
BUSH
Yeeee - Hawwww!
Enter the Host.
HOST
Picture if you will, President George W. Bush,
former Texas National Guard deserter, who
has now decided he wants to play soldier. It
is May 1, 2003, and President Bush's
planned destination is the Air Craft Carrier
USS Abraham Lincoln. Little does he realize
that his flight path has been re-directed
to take him on a journey into the heart of
...
The Parody Zone.
Exit the Host.
A STROBE LIGHT goes on and off. Bush and the Pilot are disoriented.
BUSH
What the heck's wrong with this jet? You
fix this, right now! You hear me?!!?
NAVY PILOT
I'm trying Mr. President.
The lighting goes back to normal. Bush looks down through a window.
BUSH
Look! Down there! There's the aircraft carrier!
NAVY PILOT
That doesn't look like any aircraft carrier I've
ever seen!
BUSH
Well, I'm the President. That means, what
I say goes. I say we land! So let's go!
The Navy Pilot speaks into his radio.
NAVY PILOT
This is Navy 1, coming in for a landing.
Prepare the deck!
Bush covers his eyes as the pilot lands.
NAVY PILOT
We've landed, Mr. President.
Bush and the pilot exit the jet. Enter a CIVILIAN.
CIVILIAN
I don't believe it!
BUSH
Hey! Where's my "Mission Accomplished"
banner? And where's my cheering crowds?
Rummy promised me cheering crowds!
CIVILIAN
I'm afraid you're a little late for cheering crowds.
BUSH
Late? How can I be late? I'm President! Nothing
ever starts 'til I get there and they play "Hail to the
Chief."
CIVILIAN
Not anymore. Not anymore. This is 2026.
You must have flown through the time barrier,
into the future.
BUSH
The future! Cool! Hey, do you have those ray
guns here, like on "Star Trek!" I want a ray
gun. I bet Cheney and Rummy never had a
ray gun!
CIVILIAN
I wouldn't trust you with a water pistol.
BUSH
Hey! You know who I am?
CIVILIAN
You are George Bush, the worst President in
the history of the United States.
BUSH
No, you got me confused with my Daddy. I'm
George W. Bush. He was George H. W. Bush.
I'm the one without an H.
CIVILIAN
You're the one without a clue. I know who you are!
Look at you! You're pathetic! You look like you
stuffed a pair of socks in your crotch.
BUSH
That shows how much you know! I stuffed two pairs
of socks.
CIVILIAN
Pathetic! Do you realize what you did? Because
of your failure of leadership, the United States went
bankrupt, which led to the collapse of the U.S.
government, which led to the collapse of other
governments
all over the world!
BUSH
Well, sounds like I got a lot of governments off the
people's backs. That's a good thing. So, what are
you doing on this ship?
CIVILIAN
When the polar ice caps melted, those of us who lost
our homes to the floods had a choice, either move
onto all the ships that were abandoned when the Navy
collapsed, or go live in Midwestern states ruled by
the Christian fundamentalists.
BUSH
Wow! Better and better! Christians, huh?
CIVILIAN
They live a simple existence. Most of them are
farmers. All the wealthy businessmen were
killed in the revolution.
BUSH
Hey! That's not right! Killing wealthy businessmen!
I'm a wealthy businessman! That's just wrong!
I got to fix that!
CIVILIAN
You have to go back in time! Fly back through the
time barrier! Offer real leadership! Correct your
mistakes!
BUSH
Mistakes? I got a problem with that whole notion.
Mistakes - my mistakes - thinking about it makes
my head hurt.
CIVILIAN
You've been given a chance. A chance to do things
differently. You can go back and do it right this time.
You can go back and not be the worst President ever!
BUSH
You're right! I'm gonna
go back and be better!
Let's go!
The Civilian exits. Bush and the Navy Pilot go back to the chairs and take off.
BUSH
This is great. I've been given a chance to be a
better President. Just like he said.
NAVY PILOT
What are you going to do?
BUSH
I'm gonna fix everything! Gonna be a real
leader!
NAVY PILOT
How?
BUSH
Well, you heard what that guy said! He said two
pairs of socks in my crotch was pathetic. Well,
I'm gonna put in three pairs!!!
Enter the Host.
HOST
George W. Bush... dragging the whole world behind
him... down, down, down, into the depths... of the
Parody Zone.
BLACKOUT!
THE END
© 2006 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.
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