THE PUNDITS

                                                                                        By Richard Nathan

On a typical television news analysis show, two pundits (CASPER MILQUETOAST and ATTILA D. HUN) are discussing the re-election of George Bush.

                                                            CASPER
                                    I'm Casper Milquetoast on the left...

                                                            ATTILA
                                    And I'm Attila D. Hun on the right, and we're here
                                    to discuss the triumphant re-election of President
                                    George W. Bush.  Casper, I think even you would
                                    have to agree this election means the death of the
                                    Democratic Party, right?

                                                            CASPER
                                    I don't know.  Wasn't the election sort of close?

                                                           ATTILA
                                    Maybe, but look who the Republicans ran!  A man
                                    who is losing the war in Iraq, who has economic
                                    policies are bankrupting the nation, and who is not
                                    quite as articulate as Homer Simpson!  We're
                                    talking about George W. Bush here!  A  squeaker
                                    loss to George Bush is the equivalent of a landslide
                                    loss to a decent candidate

                                                            CASPER
                                    I thought you liked George Bush.

                                                            ATTILA
                                    Compared with Democrats, he's tops.  Which is my
                                    whole point.  The only one who could have lost to
                                    Bush is a Democrat.  This proves beyond any reasonable
                                    doubt American hate the policies of the Democrats.  All
                                    that talk about peace, medical care for everyone, taxing
                                    the rich, toleration of homosexuals, belief in evolution, --
                                    Americans hate that stuff!

                                                            CASPER
                                    So what do you suggest the Democrats should have
                                    done?

                                                            ATTILA
                                    They should have nominated George Bush for
                                    President.

                                                            CASPER
                                    You mean someone like George Bush, right?

                                                            ATTILA
                                    No, I mean George Bush.  Why nominate someone
                                    like the Republican candidate, when you can nominate
                                    the actual Republican candidate?  I'll tell you what the
                                    Democrats had better do.  Next time there's an
                                    election, they should take whoever the Republicans
                                    nominate, and nominate him as the Democratic
                                    candidate too.  That's the only home they have of
                                    coming back to life.

                                                        CASPER
                                    But don't people deserve a choice?

                                                        ATTILA
                                    Sure, a choice between George Bush the Republican
                                    and George Bush the Democrat.  Listen, Casper, I'm
                                    trying to help you here.  I'm trying to tell you how to
                                    save your party!

                                                        CASPER
                                    I suppose that makes sense.  But wouldn't that encourage
                                    people like Ralph Nader to go to a third party?

                                                        ATTILA
                                    Not if you're tough.  You've got to warn people that
                                    the election is too important for them to throw away
                                    their votes on a third party.  They have to vote for
                                    George Bush or George Bush to make their voices
                                    heard!

                                                        CASPER
                                    You've convinced me!  This is Casper Milquetoast for
                                    George Bush the Democrat -

                                                        ATTILA
                                    And this is Attila D. Hun for George Bush the Republican -

                                                        CASPER & ATTILA
                                    And this has been Cross-Wired!

BLACKOUT!

THE END

© 2004 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

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