REAL LIFE

By Richard Nathan

The stage remains dark for SLIGHTLY longer than usual.

Then lights come up on the FIRST ACTOR and SECOND ACTOR on the stage.  

The Actors are working on a laptop computer or with some other device.  Long pause.  The audience should be getting restless.  The First Actor glances out at the audience and notices them looking at the stage. 

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    Shit!!!

                                                            SECOND ACTOR

                                    What?

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    I think they can see us!  Shit!!!

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    No.  It just looks that way sometimes. 
                                    They’re watching "the show."

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    No!  They’re watching us!

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    Shit!  The drugs must be wearing off!

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    Shit!  When?

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    I don’t know!  Probably just now. 
                                    They look pretty dopey.

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    Shit.  Do you think they know where they
                                    are?

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    If they just came out of it, they probably
                                    think they’re still at the theater. 

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    Shit.  Give them more drugs, before they 
                                    see the lab.

The Second Actor uses a device as though he were spraying the air with it.

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    But they’ve seen us!

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    Shit.  If we’re lucky, they’ll still think they're
                                    seeing the actors.

[Note:  If this is being performed at a venue where the audience will know the names of the actorsw, then the last line could be changed to:  "If we're lucky,they'll still think they're seeing ____________ and _____________" with the blanks filled with the first names of the actors.]

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    But they’ve been listening!  They’ve heard
                                    what we just said.  They’ll remember!

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    Shit!

The Second Actor gets an idea, steps downstage, and addresses the audience.

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    So, that was our sketch.

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    Sketch?

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    Yeah.  See, in case you didn’t get it, I'll
                                    explain.  In our sketch, you were supposed
                                    to think we were drugging you, and you
                                    weren’t really at the theater any more, but at
                                    our lab where we were experimenting on you
                                    – see,  in the sketch you were supposed to think
                                    you came out of a drug induced state and caught
                                    us.  In the sketch.  It’s only a sketch.    See
                                    it was supposed to be kind of like “The Matrix”
                                    -  where people think they’re just living their lives,
                                    but it’s not real - or that other movie about the
                                    clones being raised for transplants.  What was
                                    that called?

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    “The Island.”

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    Right.  “The Island.”

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
                                    But this is just a sketch!

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    Yeah.  A sketch!

                                                            FIRST ACTOR
|                                   We weren’t really spraying drugs and putting
                                    you to sleep and performing experiments. 

                                                            SECOND ACTOR
                                    So just sit back and breathe deep.  Relax.  Take
                                    your mind off of us.  And enjoy the show.  You’re
                                    not being experimented on.  You’re awake and
                                    watching the show.  And very, very relaxed.  Hey! 
                                    Another sketch is just about to start.

                                                                FIRST ACTOR
                                    And  if later you wake up, and your butt’s sore,
                                    it’s not because we performed anal probes on you.

BLACKOUT.