PLAYHOUSE OF THE DAMNED
Year's Resolution Revolutions"
by Richard Nathan
The spotlight is up on our host, GUS THE GHOUL, while a chair is placed on the stage for the next story. This one chair is all that is necessary. Gus speaks to the audience. He holds out a hangman's noose.
I'm keeping this for January First, so I
can use it to wish everyone a Happy Noose
Year! This noose is a perfect cure for a
New Year's morning hang over. Like when
you feel so sick you have to run to the
bathroom for a New Year's heave. And
speaking of feeling sick, here's our next piece.
It's called "New Year's Resolution Revolutions."
Alternative: If this piece is performed near New Year's Eve, the first line can be changed to "Happy Noose Year, everyone."
Gus exits. Lights come up on a WOMAN seated in a chair. She holds a purse or a bag on her lap.
I hate hangovers. To convey how much I hate
hangovers, I would have to shout at the top of
my lungs, “I hate hangovers,” – but if I shouted
anything at the top of my lungs, my head would
split in two. Which might be worth it, if it would
end this hangover. There is only one thing worse
than waking up with a hangover. That is waking
up with a husband who doesn’t have a hangover –
a husband who slaps me on the butt and yells,
“Wake up, honey! It’s time to greet the brand
new year!" "What time is it?" I ask. "Five
A.M.," he shouts. "We want to get a good
start on the New Year, don't we? The early
bird gets the worm!" I tell him I already got
the worm - last night - in the tequila. He just
laughs and says, "It's a glorious new day! Guess
what we're going to do first?" "Commit suicide?" I
ask hopefully. "No, "he bellows. "It's time to
fill out our resolution scorecards!” I say,
“What resolution scorecards?” And he replies,
“The one where we see how well we kept
our New Year’s Resolutions from last year.” I tell
him resolution last year was not to make any
resolutions, and he says, “No, you made a whole
list! We both did! I kept them right here in the
nightstand so we can see how we did. And
guess what? We both got 100%. Only I got
100% success and you got 100% failure. I
guess you didn’t put your heart into yours.”
“Guess not,” I say. “Will you please tell whoever
is hitting my temples with hammers to stop? My
skull has been crushed into a fine powder so
there's no point in hammering any more.” And
he says, “I always keep all my resolutions because
I always put my heart into them.” “Please kill me
now,” I reply. "We need to make up our list of
resolutions for this year!" he cries. "What shall I put
down for you?” I say, “Recycle my last year’s list
since I haven’t used them yet.” He says, “Let’s see.
What did you put down as your number one resolution
last year? It says, ‘No more drinking.’” “Yeah,” I
tell him, “Let’s go with that one." And he says,
“That isn’t a bad resolution! You could do it, if
you'd just put your heart into it. Think of how much
better it would be to wake up like me, feeling fresh
and alive, and looking forward to making this a great
new year.” I say, “I look forward to your leaving
me alone.” And then he says, “You what I resolve?
I resolve to get up every single morning at 5:00 A.M.,
and go out and run a mile. And then come home and
have a hot cup of green tea. No more unhealthy coffee!
Then an ice cold shower! Followed by a healthy meal
with no fat of any kind, and no sugar. And no meat!
Only soy! For all meals, not just breakfast! And you
know what else I resolve? I resolve to make sure you do
all of that with me! And I’m going to do it – we both
are! And you know how I know? Because I’m going
to put my heart into it. We both are.” That's what he
said. And I said, "You want to put your heart into it?"
Here’s his list of resolutions.
She opens her bag and takes out a blood soaked piece of paper wrapped around a human heart. She unwraps the paper, revealing the heart.
We put his heart into it.
woman exit. GUS THE GHOUL enters.
A spotlight picks up Gus.
You know what her husband should have done
don't you? Aorta left his wife alone!
(The pun is on "he oughta / aorta.")
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© 2007 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express permission.
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