STAN STARBURST . . . BEYOND THE STRATOSPHERE!!!

by Richard Nathan

ACT I

The house lights go out and a slide is projected against a scrim.  It reads:  "STAN STARBURST . . . BEYOND THE STRATOSPHERE!!!"  Wagner’s Prelude To Act III of LOHENGRIN is played as a new slide is projected, which reads:  "CHAPTER 1. INVASION FROM OUTER SPACE."  The slide dims out, and a few pieces of two-dimensional makeshift scenery are brought on to indicate the outdoors.  A couple of plywood trees will do.

The sets, props and costumes for this show should reflect the penny-pinching ingenuity of the old Saturday morning serial.  Very little money should be spent, but each cent should be spent wisely.

SCENE ONE:  LOOKOUT POINT

Lights come up softly.  It's a warm summer night at Lookout Point, a spot for young lovers.  Offstage, a car comes to a halt and two people get out.  Enter STAN STARBURST and BETTY COLLINS.  Both are dressed in white.

STAN

Here we are, Betty.  Lookout Point! 

BETTY

Oh Stan!

STAN

This is probably my favorite spot on Earth.  I often come up here at night just to look up at the stars.

BETTY

The stars!  They're beautiful!

STAN

They’re not half as beautiful as you are, Betty.

BETTY

You don't mean that!  You're just flirting with me, Stan Starburst!  All the girls in my dorm warned me about you.

STAN

Oh, those girls!  What did they say?

BETTY

I'm not sure I should tell you.  It might turn your head.

STAN

It couldn't turn my head away from you.  You're the loveliest thing I've ever seen.

BETTY

Stan, please!

STAN

Please what?  Please capture the universe and lay it at your feet?  I'd gladly do that for you.

BETTY

You're just saying that!

STAN

I mean every word!  How can I prove it to you?
If all the stars in all the heavens were made of beauty instead of exploding gases, they still couldn’t compete with you.

                        BETTY

Do you rally mean that?

                        STAN

I know I've got quite a reputation, and you probably think I've been around a lot and things like that, but really, I'm just an ordinary, down-to-earth guy, . . . and this is awfully hard for me to say, but . . .   Betty, will you be my girl?

BETTY

Oh, Stan!

She kisses him.  As they kiss, there's a sharp whistling sound accompanied by a brilliant flash of light streaking across the sky.  STAN and BETTY look up.

STAN

Holy cats!  What was that?

BETTY

Just a shooting star.

She tries to pull him back for another kiss, but he's more interested in what he's just seen.

STAN

Shooting star nothing!  That was a spaceship!

BETTY

Who cares?

She tries again, unsuccessfully, to pull him back for another kiss, but STAN spots something!

STAN

Look!  There it is!  And someone's getting out!  Two of them!  We'd better hide!

STAN pulls BETTY behind one of the trees.  Enter two aliens, CAPTAIN KURTORTZ AND KROZZ.

KURTORTZ

Here we are, Krozz.  The planet Earth!

Krozz takes a long look at the landscape, before he eventually reacts.

KROZZ

Yecchh!

                        KURTORTZ

You don’t care for it?

                        KROZZ

You’ve seen one backwards planet, you’ve seen them all.

KURTORTZ

I think Emperor Korax will be pleased with it.  Look down at that valley.  How peaceful it looks.  How quiet and still.  Hundreds of Earth-people lie sleeping there, little dreaming that by this time tomorrow, they will all be slaves.

KROZZ

It will be a great victory for us, Captain Kurtortz.

KURTORTZ

Yes, it will.  All appears in readiness for the invasion.  Let us return to Yorong and report to Emperor Korax.

STAN

Holy cats!  We can't let them get away with that!

STAN leaps out from behind the tree and grapples with KURTORTZ and KROZZ.

KURTORTZ

What's this?  An Earthman!

STAN

Quick, Betty!  Run for help!

BETTY tries to run offstage, but KURTORTZ breaks away from STAN and grabs her.  He puts a ray gun to her head.  She screams in terror.

KURTORTZ

Hold it, Earthman!  Put up your hands or the Earthwoman dies!

STAN

Betty!

STAN puts up his hands and surrenders.

KROZZ

What shall we do with them, Captain?

KURTORTZ

We can't leave them here.  Come!  We must take them back to Yorong!  Emperor Korax will decide their fate!

STAN

Holy cats!

Exit STAN, BETTY, KURTORTZ and KROZZ.  The trees are removed.

SCENE TWO:  KORAX'S THRONE ROOM

The curtain opens on one of the two main sets used in the play:  the throne room of KORAX, Emperor of Yorong.  Upstage center is the Imperial Throne.  To the immediate right and left are two large picture windows.  A distant mountain can be seen through the stage left window.  There are also two secret entrances (e.g., sliding panels) leading to two separate secret passageways.  These will be very important later on.

As the curtain opens, seated on his throne is KORAX - the cruelest tyrant in the entire universe.  Standing to his right is KLONG, the Captain of the Palace Guard.  An exotic dancer is performing for KORAX, who eyes her lustfully.  She dances to Wagner’s Prelude To Act III of LOHENGRIN.  The dance comes to an end.

KORAX

That was an excellent performance my dear.  You have pleased your emperor.  Come to my private chambers this evening, and I shall show you my gratitude.

DANCER

No!  I mean, . . . It is I who should be grateful to you.

KORAX

Very well.  Come to my private chambers this evening, and you may show me your gratitude.

DANCER

As you wish, your Imperial Radiance.

The DANCER bows low and exits.

KORAX

Klong!  Send in my jester!

KLONG

Yes, your Imperial Radiance!

KLONG exits, and returns a moment later with the Imperial JESTER, another beautiful woman.

KORAX

Begin!  Entertain me!

                        JESTER

Here?  In front of Klong???

                        KORAX

I mean, tell me a joke.  After all, you are the Imperial Jester.

                        JESTER

Oh.  Right.  I was telling my friend yesterday

about my pet janthub.  I told him, “I have a janthub without a nose!”  And he said, “A
janthub without a nose!  How does he smell?”

And I said, “Horrible!”

KORAX

That was an excellent joke my dear.  You have pleased your emperor.  Come to my private chambers this evening, late this evening, and I shall show you my gratitude.

JESTER

That’s all right.  I know it wasn’t that good
a joke.

KORAX

It was good enough for me!  Come to my
chambers!

JESTER

As you wish, your Imperial Radiance.

The JESTER bows low and exits.

KORAX

Klong! 

KLONG

Yes, your Imperial Radiance?

KORAX

Has the reconnaissance mission returned from the Earth?

KLONG

Not yet, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX

They are late!

KLONG

Yes, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX

Why are they late?

KLONG

Why?  I don't know why, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX

Why don't you know why?  I will tell you why.  It is because you are incompetent, my dear Klong.

KLONG

Yes, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX

I am surrounded by incompetence.  Am I not Korax, supreme ruler of this planet Yorong and all other worlds in this galaxy?  Is not my power absolute?  Is not my imperial word law?

KLONG

Yes, your most Spectacular and Divinely Supreme Imperial Radiance!  I am certain the solarship will arrive soon!

A new thought strikes KORAX.

KORAX

How many rebels are scheduled to be executed today?

KLONG

Twelve are scheduled.

KORAX

Only twelve???

KLONG

Only twelve could be found, your Imperial Radiance.  The people have been so docile lately.

KORAX

I must raise the taxes again.

There is a loud pounding on the door offstage!

KORAX

Docile, you say?  Who dares disturb the Emperor's peace?

KLONG runs offstage, then quickly returns.

KLONG

It is your sister, Kora, the High Priestess of the Bloodwomen of Krantz!  Would you like to see her?

KORAX

I would like to see her thrown to the Gorag Monster!  But send her in.  This time I shall put an end to her foolish demands for once and for all!

KLONG

Yes, your Imperial –

But before he can finish speaking, KORA strides in.

KORA

How long will you keep me waiting, brother?

KORAX

Silence, woman!  How dare you show disrespect to your Imperial Ruler?

KLONG exits discreetly.

KORA

I worship a greater ruler than you, Korax!  One whose power is beyond that of any mortal – Kaila, the Goddess of Death!

KORAX

I have told you, I want the Earth-people for my slaves!

KORA

And I have told you!  Kaila wants them sacrificed!  She must have their blood!

KORAX

Sister, you are a fool.  Ever since our scientists discovered the planet Earth, I have dreamed of its conquest.  I have longed for the day when every Earthman would slave and sweat for me.  Now that that time is nearly at hand, do you dare to imagine I will turn all my potential slaves into useless rotting corpses, just so that you may drain their blood?  Never!  They shall work for my empire!

KORA

Their work will do you little good without Kaila's blessing.  Thing of the pleasure we can give her by bathing an entire planet in blood!  It is a goddess's dream!

KORAX

No!  My slaves shall not die for the sake of some powerless deity!

KORA

Powerless!  This is sacrilege!

KORAX

They shall work for me!  They shall toil for Korax!

Enter KLONG.

KLONG

We have established contact with the returning solarship, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX

Good.  Bring in the radiosoniscope at once.

KLONG

Yes, your Imperial Radiance!

KLONG exits.

KORAX

Soon my invasion will begin!

KORA

It will never succeed unless you pay homage to Kaila!

KLONG enters with the radiosoniscope.

KLONG

Here is the radiosoniscope, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX

Turn it on!

KLONG turns a knob on the radiosoniscope, and after a moment of static, we hear the voice of CAPTAIN KURTORTZ.

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

This is Captain Kurtortz calling Emperor Korax.  This is Captain Kurtortz calling Emperor Korax.  Come in please.

KORAX

This is your Emperor.  Make your report.

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

We have taken two captives, your Imperial Radiance.  An Earthman named Stan Starburst and his companion, Betty Collins.

KORAX

Captives!  I did not ask for captives!

KORAX

(over the radiosoniscope)

It could not be helped, your Imperial Radiance.  They saw us land.  We could not leave them to warn the Earth.

KORAX

Well, Kora, it seems you may get some sacrifices after all.

STAN's voice comes over the radiosoniscope.

STAN

(over the radiosoniscope)

What are you going to do with us?

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

I'm sorry, your Imperial Radiance.  That was the Earthman.  What shall we do with them?

KORAX

Bring them to me!  We shall sacrifice them to Kaila, the Goddess of Death!

BETTY's scream comes over the radiosoniscope, followed by STAN's voice.

STAN

(over the radiosoniscope)

Don't worry, Betty.  I'll protect you.

The sounds of a fistfight come over the radiosoniscope.

KORAX

What is happening?  What is happening?

Through the window, we can see the solarship soaring into view.  It should be a toy rocketship, suspended by a thread, wobbling and jerking towards the mountain.  Kora sees it!

KORA

Look!  It's the solarship!

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

The Earthman's gained control of the ship!  He doesn't know what he's doing!  We're headed right for that mountain!  We're going to crash!

STAN

(over the radiosoniscope)

Holy cats!

BETTY's scream comes over the radiosoniscope, and there's an explosion on the mountain as the rocket disappears behind it. 

Fast blackout and curtain, followed by more of Wagner’s Prelude To Act III of LOHENGRIN.

A new slide is projected which reads:  "CHAPTER 2.  ATTACK OF THE ALLIGATOR-MEN!"

The slide dims out and the curtain opens.  Everything is exactly as it was a moment ago.  The end of the last scene is played through exactly as it was the first time.

KORAX

What is happening?  What is happening?

Once more the solarship wobbles and jerks across the sky.  KORA sees it.

KORA

Look!  It's the solarship!

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

The Earthman's gained control of the ship!  He doesn't know what he's doing!  We're headed right for that mountain!  We're going to crash!

STAN

(over the radiosoniscope)

Holy cats!

BETTY's scream comes over the radiosoniscope, and there's an explosion on the mountain as the rocket disappears behind it. 

KORAX

The fool!

KLONG

Shall I send a scouting party to look for survivors, your imperial radiance?

KORAX

Don't be an imbecile, Klong!  No one could possibly have survived that explosion!  They are all dead!

Suddenly KURTORTZ's voice comes over the radiosoniscope.

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

This is Captain Kurtortz calling Emperor Korax.  This is Captain Kurtortz calling Emperor Korax.  Come in please.

KORAX

What?  What is this?  What is happening, Kurtortz?

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

I managed to escape with one of my crewmen in an emergo-sled, your Imperial Radiance.  We got out just before the crash.

KORAX

And the others?

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

The rest of the crew perished.  The only other survivors were the Earthman and the Earthwoman who got to an emergo-sled just before we did.

KORAX

What????

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

I can see them flying just below us.  They're going to make a crash landing!

KORAX

Find them!  Find them and kill them!

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

But your Imperial Radiance. . . they're landing in the Great Garovian Swamp, the realm of the Alligator-Men!

KORAX

Find them, I say!  Find them and kill them at once!

KURTORTZ

(over the radiosoniscope)

Yes, your Imperial Radiance.  Over and out.

KLONG exits with the radiosoniscope.

KORA

But what of Kaila?  You said they would be sacrificed to Kaila!  You promised!

KORAX

Silence!  It is my wish that they be killed now, and my wishes must be obeyed!

KORA

You will regret this, brother!

KORA exits.

KORAX

I regret nothing!  Ever!  I will soon be the
absolute  ruler of the entire universe!!!!

Blackout and curtain!

SCENE THREE:  THE GREAT GAROVIAN SWAMP

Some trees, vines and shrubs are brought on to suggest a swamp.  As the lights come up, there's the sound of an emergo-sled crashing offstage.  A moment later, STAN and BETTY enter.  Their clothes are torn.

STAN

Are you all right, Betty?

BETTY

I think so.

STAN

I'm afraid I haven't had much experience landing rocketships.

BETTY

Where are we?

STAN

I'm not exactly sure, but I think we're on another planet!

BETTY

Oh, Stan, I'm frightened.

STAN

Steady, Betty.  I'll get us out of this somehow.

BETTY

Stan!  Someone's coming!

STAN

Quick!  Let's hide!

STAN and BETTY hide behind the trees as KROZZ and KURTORTZ enter.

KROZZ

I don't see any sign of them, Captain.

KURTORTZ

Keep looking, Krozz.  They can't have gone far.

KROZZ

Do you think maybe the Alligator-Men got them?

KURTORTZ

I hope not, Krozz.  That's too horrible a fate to wish on anyone, even the Earthlings!

KROZZ

Do we have to keep searching, Captain?

KURTORTZ

You heard Korax's orders.  We have no choice?

KROZZ

But what if the Alligator-Men attack us?

KURTORTZ thinks this over for a moment.

KURTORTZ

Let's go look for the Earthlings a little closer to our emergo-sled.

Exit KURTORTZ and KROZZ.  STAN and BETTY emerge from their hiding places.

BETTY

Did you hear that?  Alligator-Men!

STAN

It sounds dangerous, all right.  We'd better find a way out of this swamp!

STAN and BETTY start to exit, and walk right into two ALLIGATOR-MEN.  (The ALLIGATOR-MEN are actors in green tights and leotards who are vaguely made up to look something like alligators.)

STAN

Holy cats!

STAN fights valiantly, but he is no match for the ALLIGATOR-MEN, who drag STAN and BETTY offstage.  Blackout!  The scenery is removed.

SCENE FOUR:  TOG'S CAVE

The curtain opens to reveal a large cave.  The cave set will be used for four different cave locations during the play, with various modifications each time.  There must be a movable section of the cave that can be used as the entrance to a secret passageway in a later scene (when the cave represents another location).

Right now, the setting is TOG's secret laboratory.  Scientific equipment is scattered throughout the cave, along with four ray guns.  At the back of the cave stands a large box, big enough for Stan to fit into.  The box should have lights and dials and switches on it.

In the midst of all this stands TOG, a strange little man from the planet Tangor.  He should have some obvious physical oddity (such as cat-like whiskers) which distinguishes him from the Earthlings and the Yorongians.  TOG is along in his cave, tinkering with his scientific equipment, when the ALLIGATOR-MEN drag in STAN and BETTY.

TOG

Greetings!  Welcome to my cave.

STAN

We'd feel more welcome if these monsters would let go of us.

TOG

First I must ask you two very important questions.  The first question is -- Are you working for Korax?

BETTY

No!

STAN

Of course not.

TOG

Very well.  The second question is – Are you absolutely sure you're not working for Korax?

STAN

We're fighting against Korax.

TOG

Wonderful!  Release them, my pets.

The ALLIGATOR-MEN release STAN and BETTY.  TOG reaches into his pocket and gives each of them a treat.  He pats them on the head and they exit.

STAN

Pets?

TOG

Yes, I trained them.  These are friendly Alligator-Men.  Not like the nasty, vicious, bloodthirsty, unfriendly Alligator-Men you often find around here.  You wouldn't want to run into them. 

BETTY

Who are you?

TOG

My name is Togilatog Togo Togtogatog, but you may call me Tog.

TOG shakes hands with STAN and BETTY.

TOG

I am Korax's greatest enemy.

STAN

Oh?

TOG

If you'd like, we could all be his greatest enemies now.

BETTY

Are you from this planet?

TOG

No, I am a native of the planet Tangor.

STAN

What are you doing here?

TOG

One day, six years ago, I set out from Tangor with a crew of twenty to explore the vast reaches of the Universe.  Unfortunately, our astro-navigatronometer had a slight defect.  We couldn't turn it on.  We ended up on this miserable planet – Yorong, the gunk under the corner of the big toenail of the Universe!  We asked Emperor Korax for help, but as soon as he saw our thorcon-powered zeebitzers, he mercilessly slaughtered my entire crew.

BETTY

How horrible!

TOG

Yes, it's shocking what some people will do for a zeebitzer.  I alone escaped the carnage.  I fled to this swamp where I made my home.  My only companions have been the Alligator-Men I caught and tamed.  But soon I will have my revenge!  I've been building weapons and training an army of Alligator-Men to assault Korax's palace and kill his guards and grab Korax and cut off his head and tear out his heart and burn his entrails and jump up and down on his corpse, and then at last peace will come to this poor, unhappy planet.

BETTY

What a sad story.  You must be very lonely.

TOG

I am!  But I have my memories of Tangor.  It's a beautiful world.  Perhaps the most beautiful world in all the universe.

STAN

Our planet isn't so bad either.  We're from Earth!

TOG

Earth!  You mean the third planet from the sun?  But how did you . . .

STAN

Korax plans to invade it!  We were taken prisoner by some of his spies and brought here.  We just managed to escape.

TOG

I see.  What are your names?

STAN

I'm Stan Starburst and this is Betty Collins.

BETTY

How do you do?

TOG

I'm delighted to make your acquaintance.  Can I get you anything?  I've built machines to provide me with everything I need.

STAN

We could use some new clothes.  The got pretty torn up when we crash landed.

TOG

I do have a clothesatron, but I'm afraid it is only designed to produce clothing for the male gender.  I take it Betty is female.

BETTY

Yes, I'm a girl.

TOG

I thought so.  But the universe is a complicated place, and sometimes it's best to ask and make certain.  Now if you will just step this way Mr. Starburst . . .

TOG leads STAN to the box upstage.

STAN

Please, call me Stan.

TOG

Just step in here, Stan, and we'll see what we can do.

STAND steps into the clothesatron.  The door is closed, and the lights blink on and off, as STAN changes his costume.

TOG

He looks good in white, don't you think.

BETTY

It's his favorite color.

TOG

I'm sorry I don't have a clothesatron for you, but you shouldn't worry.  Shredded apparel is considered very fashionable for beautiful young women in this part of the galaxy.

BETTY

Oh?

TOG

Absolutely, Miss Collins

BETTY

Please call me Betty.

There's a strange sound from the clothesatron, indicating its job is completed.  STAN leaps out in a brand new costume, something suitably heroic.

BETTY

Oh Stan!

STAN

Not bad, huh?  Thanks Tog!

TOG

You're welcome.  Now we'd better get down to the business of defeating Korax!

BETTY

How can we do that?

TOG

Fortunately, most of the weapons I've been working on are now completed!

TOG shows STAN and BETTY each of his weapons as he describes them.

TOG

Here's a handy little item.  A Tangorian electarode.  When you fire it on your enemy, it builds up the pressure in his cardio-vascular system until he explodes!  Boom!  Very messy.  Here's a spectra-ray.  It dissolves flesh, leaving only internal organs and bones.  Nearly as messy as the electarode.  This one is a frazomer gun.  Very reliable, but I wouldn't want to discuss its effects with a lady present.

BETTY

Hey!  If I can hear about the electarode and the spectra-ray, I think I can handle a frazomer gun.

TOG whispers in STAN's ear.  STAN looks ill.

STAN

Betty, I think you should trust Tog on this one.

TOG

And finally, for the more squeamish, we have the biyoto-beam.  All it does is reduce your mental capacity to that of a lobotomized ameba.  Which one would you like to take?

As STAN and BETTY ponder the question, CAPTAIN KURTORTZ and KROZZ sneak in, holding ray guns.

KURTORTZ

We'd like to take them all!

STAN

Holy cats!  It's the guys who kidnapped us!

KURTORTZ

We tracked you to this cave and overhead everything!  Krozz, collect their weapons!

KEOZZ gathers up the four ray guns!

KROZZ

Emperor Korax will be very pleased with these weapons, Captain Kurtortz, sir!

KURTORTZ

And now you are all going to die!

KURTORTZ and KROZZ aim their ray guns at STAN, BETTY and TOG.

TOG

Wait!  At least allow us the honor of being killed with our own weapons!

BETTY

You think it's an honor to be killed with a frazomer gun?

TOG

At least I'll get to see if it works.

KURTORTZ

Very well.  Krozz, you take the electarode and the spectra-ray.  I'll use the frazomer gun and the biyoto-beam.  We'll blast them with all four weapons at once!

KURTORTZ and KROZZ take TOG's weapons and aim them.

KURTORTZ

Ready . . . aim . . . fire!!!

As KURTORTZ and KROZZ pull the triggers, a misty spray comes out of the back ends of the weapons.  (This effect can be achieved by making the weapons out of air-freshener aerosol canisters. 

KURTORTZ

You . . . tricked . . . us!  (cough . . . cough) . . . Can't . . .  breathe . . .

KURTORTZ and KROZZ fall to the floor, unconscious.

STAN

What happened, Tog?

TOG

I was afraid something like this might happen some day, so I installed bobby traps in all my weapons.  Unless you first release the secret safety catches, they self-destruct, emitting a powerful knockout gas!

STAN

Gosh, Tog, that was brilliant!

Enter two ALLIGATOR-MEN.

BETTY

Look, Tog, here come some of your Alligator-Men!

TOG

Oh no!

STAN

What is it?

TOG

Those aren't my Alligator-Men!  Those are the savage, untamed Alligator-Men!  They've discovered my cave at last, and without my weapons to defend us, we're doomed!  Doomed!

STAN

Holy cats!

The savage, untamed ALLIGATOR-MEN surround STAN, TOG and BETTY.  The situation looks hopeless.  Betty screams!

Blackout and curtain, followed by a reprise of Wagner’s Prelude To Act III of LOHENGRIN.

A slide is projected which reads:  "CHAPTER 3.  IN THE CLUTCHES OF KORAX!"

The slide dims out and the curtain opens, and once again everything is the same as it was a moment ago.  KURTORTZ and KROZZ have just been knocked unconscious.

STAN

Gosh, Tog, that was brilliant!

Enter two ALLIGATOR-MEN.

BETTY

Look, Tog, here come some of your Alligator-Men!

TOG

Oh no!

STAN

What is it?

TOG

Those aren't my Alligator-Men!  Those are the savage, untamed Alligator-Men!  They've discovered my cave at last, and without my weapons to defend us, we're doomed!  Doomed!

STAN

Holy cats!

The savage, untamed ALLIGATOR-MEN surround STAN, TOG and BETTY.  The situation looks hopeless.  Betty screams!  Then STAN breaks through the ring of ALLIGATOR-MEN and makes a flying leap to the bodies of KURTORTZ and KROZZ.  He grabs the ray guns which the Yorongians had brought with them, and fires at the ALLIGATOR-MEN who fall down dead.

BETTY

Oh Stan, you saved us!

TOG

Good work!

STAN

Lucky for us, I remembered that Kurtortz and Krozz had brought these weapons with them.

KURTORTZ and KROZZ groan.

STAN

They're coming to!

TOG

Keep those ray-guns on them!

STAN

What about your weapons, Tog?

TOG

Useless.  Utterly useless now.  They're ruined.

BETTY

Don't worry, Tog.  You can build more death rays.

KROZZ

Uhhh . . . where am I?

STAN

Easy, Krozz!  You too, Kurtortz!  I've got you covered!

KROZZ

What happened?

STAN

You're our prisoners now.  You're going to take us to Korax, and then we'll force him to call off his invasion of Earth!  Come on, you two!  On your feet!

KURTORTZ and KROZZ rise, their hands held above their heads in surrender.

TOG

But . . . going to Korax . . .with all his soldiers . . . and without my weapons!  It will be like walking straight into the jaws of death!

STAN

That's a chance we'll just have to take.

TOG

But it isn't a chance.  A chance is when you actually have a chance.  We'll be outnumbered a hundred to one.

STAN

But don't forget, we'll be taking them by surprise.

TOG

That's right.  In that case, let's go!

KURTORTZ and KROZZ exit, followed by STAN, BETTY and TOG.  Blackout and curtain.

SCENE FIVE:  KORAX'S THRONE ROOM

The curtain opens on KORAX's throne room, with KORAX seated on his throne.  Enter KLONG.

KORAX

Yes, Klong.  What is it now?

KLONG

Captain Kurtortz is outside with one of his men and three others whom I do not recognize.

KORAX

Strangers!  Do you have any idea whom they might be?

KLONG

One of them resembles the Tangorians we killed six years ago.

KORAX

The Tangorians, eh?  Hmmmm.  Bring them in, but be on your guard.

KLONG

Yes, your Imperial Radiance.

Exit KLONG.  He re-enters with KURTORTZ, KROZZ, STAN, BETTY and TOG.

KORAX

Yes?

KURTORTZ and KROZZ kneel before KORAX

KUTORTZ & KROZZ

Your Imperial Radiance.

STAN leaps to the throne and aims his ray gun directly at KORAX's head.  TOG takes out the other ray gun and aims it at KURTORTZ, KROZZ and KLONG.

STAN

All right, nobody moves, or your Emperor gets his imperial head blown off!

KORAX

So, it is the Earthman!  I had suspected as much.

STAN

Listen to me, Korax!  First, you'll call off your invasion of the Earth!  Second, you abdicated the throne after issuing a final proclamation that from now on Yorong will be a democracy, with freedom and justice and capitalism for all.  Either you do all that, or I'll blow you to bits.

KORAX

That will not be necessary!

KORAX presses a button concealed on his throne – in a move which is very obvious to the audience – and a net drops on STAN.  Alternatively, KORAX may use a senses-stunning somnia-gun which was concealed in the cushions of his throne.  In any case, he turns the tables on STAN.  KURTORTZ grabs Stan's gun, and in the excitement, KROZZ is able to grab Tog's gun.  Both our heroes are now disarmed.

STAN

Holy cats!

KURTORTZ

Don't move, Earthman!

KORAX

Where are your threats now, Stan Starburst?

STAN

I'm not finished yet!  You'll see.

Enter KORA.

KORA

I see you have finally captured the Earthlings.  When will they be sacrificed?

BETTY

Stan!

BETTY runs to STAN and he holds her protectively.

KORA

Well, brother?

KORAX

Never!

KORA

What?

KORAX

I have changed my mind.  They will be more useful to me as slaves.  I have need of slaves now to help me prepare for my invasion!

KORA

At least let me have the girl.  Surely such a frail looking specimen could be of little use as a slave.

KORAX

No.  The Earthgirl interests me.  She shall remain here, with me.

BETTY

Stan!

STAN

Steady, Betty.  I won't let them hurt you!

KORAX

I have no intention of hurting her, Earthman.  I have something much friendly in mind.

STAN

If you touch one hair on her head, I swear I'll . . .

KORAX

You will do nothing, Earthman.  There is nothing you can do!

TOG

What about me, Korax?

KORAX

I have not forgotten you.  You are from the planet Tangor, are you not?  One of the visitors we had some years ago.

TOG

The only one to escape your maniacal slaughter, you filthy blackguard.

KORAX

You deserve to die for you insolence, but I will spare your unworthy life.

TOG

I won't spare yours, you base villain.

KORAX

You and the Earthman shall be my slaves.  You will package the amnesium I need for my invasion!

STAN

Amnesium?

TOG

It's a rare metal that causes loss of memory.  Prolonged exposure can completely destroy your mind!

KORAX

That is correct, Tangorian.  I wonder how long you will last.

TOG

Long enough to see you get your just desserts, you foul, loathsome, despicable, diabolical fiend!

KORAX

Take them away!

BETTY

Stan!

KURTORTZ and KROZZ take hold of STAN and TOG.

STAN

You . . . you . . . you . . .  big jerk!

STAN breaks free from KURTORTZ and KROZZ and hurls himself at Korax.  KORAX takes a gay gun out of the folds of his imperial robe and shoots STAN, who falls unconscious to the floor.

KORAX

The fool.

BETTY weeps.

KORA

Is he . . .

KORAX

No, he is not dead . . .  yet.  That was merely a senses-stunning somnia gun.  He will soon regain consciousness.  Take him and the Tangorian down to the amnesium vaults and put them to work.  Keep them at it until their minds are completely destroyed!

KURTORTZ

Yes, your imperial radiance!

KURTORTZ and KROZZ take STAN and TOG from the room.  BETTY continues to weep.  The curtain closes.

SCENE SIX:  THE AMNESIUM VAULTS

In the darkness, we hear the work chant of the SLAVES.  It grows louder.

SLAVES

(chanting)

HEAVE-HO!  HEAVE-HO!

HEAVE A TON OF AMNESIUM!

HEAVE-HO!

The lights come up on the amnesium vaults.  Except for a small platform downstage left, the vaults are bathed in red light.  The downstage left platform represents an area which is shielded from the amnesium rays.  As the crimson light comes up, we see STAN and TOG standing in a pile of red amnesium center stage.  The SLAVES cross the stage, pushing carts, which STAN and TOG fill with amnesium.  The work chant continues softly throughout the scene, becoming louder whenever there is a break in the dialogue.  STAN and TOG whisper to each other furtively as the SLAVES chant:

SLAVES

(chanting)

HEAVE-HO!  HEAVE-HO!

HEAVE A TON OF AMNESIUM!

HEAVE-HO!

STAN and TOG stop whispering and speak in their normal voices.

STAN

Holy cats!  What are we going to do?

TOG

We must concentrate!  Keep our memories intact for as long as we can.  Think!  Concentrate!  Remember!

STAN

Yes!  Think!  Concentrate!  What was that other think you said?

TOG

Remember!!!  Think!  Concentrate!  Remember!

STAN

Right!  Think!  Concentrate!  Remember!

TOG

Yes!  We must!  For Betty's sake!

STAN

Yes!  We must!  Who's Betty?

TOG

You remember!  Betty Collins, your girl friend!

STAN

Oh yes!  Betty!  What about her?

TOG

I've forgotten.

SLAVES

(chanting)

HEAVE-HO!  HEAVE-HO!

HEAVE A TON OF AMNESIUM!

HEAVE-HO!

TOG

Think!  Concentrate!  Remember!

STAN

Think!  Concentrate!  December!

TOG

Link!  Conjugate!  Dismember!

STAN

Drink!  Consummate!  Whatever!

TOG

What did you just say?

STAN

I forget.

SLAVES

(chanting)

HEAVE-HO!  HEAVE-HO!

HEAVE A TON OF AMNESIUM!

HEAVE-HO!

KORAX, BETTY AND KLONG enter the small platform stage left, unobserved by STAN and TOG.  Betty weeps, while KORAX gleefully watches STAN and TOG.

STAN

What are we doing here?

TOG

Our predicament has something to do with a person named Korax, I believe.  Does that name sound familiar?

STAN

Is that my girl friend?

TOG

No, you girl friend's name is Betty!  I told you that.

STAN

Maybe Korax is your girl friend.

TOG

(losing his temper)

I haven't got a girl friend!!!

STAN

With a temper like that, I can see why.

KORAX

Listen to them!  They are already forgetting everything!

BETTY

Stop it!  Stop it!  Why did you make me come here?

KORAX

I had hoped you might find it amusing.

BETTY can only weep.

KORAX

You needn't worry, my dear.  They can't see us, and we are shielded from the amnesium rays.

BETTY

Oh Stan!  Stan!

She continues to weep.

SLAVES

(chanting)

HEAVE-HO!  HEAVE-HO!

HEAVE A TON OF AMNESIUM!

HEAVE-HO!

STAN

What are we supposed to be doing with all this red stuff and these carts?

TOG

We're probably taking it off the ground and putting it into the carts, unless we're taking it out of the carts and putting it onto the ground.  I can't remember which.

TOG

I suspect this substance may be hurting our memories.  We've got to keep remembering!

STAN

Remembering what?

Pause while TOG thinks.

STAN

Well?

TOG

I'm trying to remember.

STAN

Remember what?

TOG

I'm trying to remember what your question was.

STAN

I can't remember it either.

TOG

Well then, it can't have been very important.

STAN

What can't?

TOG

What can't what?

STAN

What???

KORAX

Bah!  It has gone so far that they cannot even do their jobs!  They are useless to me as slaves!  I may as well turn them over to Kora now.  Yes!  That is precisely what I shall do.  Klong!

KLONG

Yes, your imperial radiance?

KORAX

Have the guards take the Earthman and the Tangorian to Kora to be sacrificed.

KLONG

Yes, your imperial radiance.

Exit KLONG.

BETTY

How can you be so cruel?  You're utterly heartless!

KORAX

Not utterly heartless, my dear.

BETTY

What do you mean?

KORAX

Surely you have noticed that I find you attractive.

BETTY

Yes.

KORAX

You are beautiful, Earthwoman!  More beautiful than anyone I have ever seen!  Say yes to me, and I will make you Empress of half the universe!

A GUARD comes on from stage right and leads STAN and TOG offstage.

BETTY

No!  How can you!  When you're about to kill the man I love!

KORAX

The Earthman?  How can he compare with what I have to offer you?  Nevertheless, I might be prepared to spare his unworthy life if you will consent to be my bride.

BETTY

No!  Never!  Not for anything!

KORAX

Very well then.  Prepare to witness his death!

Blackout!  Everything from the amnesium vault set is removed.

SCENE SEVEN:  THE UNDERGROUND TEMPLE OF KAILA

The curtain opens on the all-purpose cave set, which is not the Sacred Temple of the BLOODWOMEN OF KRANTZ, worshippers of KAILA The Goddess Of Death!  Downstage is a sacrificial alter, and upstage is a large graven image of KAILA.   KORAX, BETTY and KLONG are standing to one side as the curtain opens.  They await the entrance of the BLOODWOMEN.

KORA enters with two BLOODWOMEN, who lead in STAN and TOG.  STAN and TOG meekly lie down on the sacrificial alter and the BLOODWOMEN put bowls down under their necks to catch their blood.

                                                            1^ST BLOODWOMAN

Kaila is a loving goddess!

                        KORA

She loves bloodsacrifices.

                        2^ND BLOODWOMAN

But Kaila is not a butcher!

                        KORA

Kaila leaves butchery to us.

                                                            KORA

We kill these worthless aliens so that Kaila may have their blood!  Let the sacrificial music begin!!!

 There is a brief sacrificial dance to the tune of Wagner’s Prelude to Act III of LOHENGRIN. 

The BLOODWOMEN lift their axes and are about to lower them onto the throats of our heroes.  At the last moment, BETTY screams out:

BETTY

Stop!  Please stop!  I'll marry you, Korax.  Only don't kill Stan!

KORAX

A wise decision, Earthwoman.  Stop the sacrifice!

KORA

Korax, this is insufferable!

KORAX

Klong!  Go and prepare the Earthwoman for our wedding.  The ceremony will begin at once!

KLONG starts to lead BETTY off, but she stops.

BETTY

Korax, promise me you won't harm Stanley.

KORAX

You have my word.

BETTY

Thank you.

BETTY and KLONG exit.  KORAX waits a moment.

KORAX

Let the sacrifice continue.

KORAX exits.  KORA is dumbfounded, then overjoyed.  She has KORAX's approval for the sacrifice, and nothing can stop her now.  But before they can slice open the throats of our heroes, there's a blackout and curtain!  A slide is projected which reads:  "TO BE CONTINUED . . . "  Wagner’s Prelude to Act III of LOHENGRIN is played as the house lights come up.

Intermission

************************************************************************

ACT II

The house lights go out and Wagner’s Prelude to Act III of LOHENGRIN comes up grandly.  A slide is projected.  This one reads:  "CHAPTER 4.  THE WALLS OF DOOM!"  The slide dims out, and the curtain opens on the scared temple of the Bloodwomen of Krantz.  The last few minutes of Act I are re-enacted.

BETTY and KLONG exit.  KORAX waits a moment.

KORAX

Let the sacrifice continue.

KORAX exits.  KORA is dumbfounded, then overjoyed.  She has KORAX's approval for the sacrifice, and nothing can stop her now.  But before the BLOODWOMEN can slice open the throats of our heroes, STAN and TOG grab the axes by the handles and save themselves.  They jump up and use the axes to ward off their would-be executioners.

KORA

What is this?  Your minds were destroyed!

STAN

No they weren't!

TOG

We just faked our mindlessness for the benefit of Korax, so he'd take us out of the mines.  Actually, a healthy, intelligent, clean-thinking mind can withstand amnesium exposure for up to . . . for up to . . .   Stan, how long did I say a healthy, intelligent, clean-thinking mind could withstand amnesium –

STAN

It doesn't matter!  We've got to stop that wedding!

STAN and TOG run offstage!

KORA

You cannot leave!  The sacrifice must continue!  After them!

The BLOODWOMEN chase after STAN and TOG as the curtain closes.  Blackout.

SCENE EIGHT:  A FOREST ON YORONG

A few trees are brought on to suggest a forest.  Enter STAN and TOG.  They've discarded their axes. 

STAN

Which way to Korax's palace?  We've got to stop that wedding!  What if we're too late?  What if she's already married?

TOG

Don't worry.  Maybe she can get a divorce.  Lots of worlds are very lenient about granting divorces in cases of emperors forcing wedlock under threat of killing the bride's boy friend.

Before Stand can respond, there is the sound of a solarship landing comes from offstage.

TOG

Listen!  A solarship!

STAN

Quick!  We'd better hide!

STAN and TOG hide behind the trees as CAPTAIN KURTORTZ enters.  He is dressed in a ceremonial costume, complete with cape, sword and helmet.

KUTORTZ

Come along, Krozz.  The royal wedding cannot begin until we return!

Enter KROZZ, similarly costumed.

KROZZ

Yes sir, Captain Kurtortz, but I wish we didn't have to do this.  I don't like going to see those Bloodwomen.  I just don't trust them.

KURTORTZ

Courage, Krozz.  I know how you feel.  Those she-devils may be beautiful, but they're crueler than Korax himself.  But orders are orders!   Korax will not begin the wedding ceremony until we bring him word that Stan Starburst is dead!

KROZZ

Yes, Captain.

KROZZ and KURTORTZ are now standing directly in front of the trees where STAN and TOG are hiding.  STAN leans out.

STAN

Come on, Tog!  Let's get 'em!

STAN and TOG grab KURTORTZ and KROZZ and pull them behind the trees.  We hear the sounds of combat, then STAN and TOG emerge victorious.

STAN

Nice work, Tog.

TOG

Nothing to it.  I used an ancient Tangorian combat trick.  I hit him on the head with a rock.

STAN

Can you pilot their solarship?

TOG

I think so.

STAN

Great!  You put on Krozz's uniform, and I'll put on Kurtortz's.  We're going to pay Korax a visit!

Blackout.  The forest set is removed.

SCENE NINE:  KORAX'S THRONE ROOM

The curtain opens on the throne room, decorated for KORAX's wedding to BETTY.  There are GUARDS and DANCING GIRLS in costume, celebrating.  They dance to Wagner’s Prelude to Act III of LOHENGRIN.  KORAX marches in, ceremoniously.  The music stops.

KORAX

Klong!

Enter KLONG.

KLONG

Yes, your Imperial Radiance?

KORAX

Has there been any sign of Captain Kurtortz?

KLONG

No, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX

This is the second time today he has kept me waiting.  He shall pay for this!

Enter STAN and TOG dressed as KURTORTZ and KROZZ.  They keep their heads lowered and try not to look at anyone.  They speak softly, trying to disguise their voices.

KORAX

So, you have come at last, Captain Kurtortz!  Why have you kept me waiting?

STAN and TOG bow low.

STAN

We crave your mercy, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX

Speak up!  I cannot hear you.

STAN

I beg your imperial pardon.  I'm a bit hoarse today.

KORAX

You were all right when you left the palace.

STAN

It's something I've just come down with, your Imperial Radiance.

KORAX turns to TOG.

KORAX

What about you?

TOG

I have also just become hoarse.

KORAX

What of my orders?  Have they been obeyed?

STAN

The Earthman has met his fate.

KORAX

Then let the ceremonies commence!  Start the Imperial Wedding Music!

Wagner’s Prelude to Act III of LOHENGRIN resumes as BETTY enters, wearing a Yorongian wedding gown.  The GUARDS line up in two rows, forming an arch with their swords.  STAN and TOG stand at the downstage end of the guards.  BETTY marches miserably under the arched swords, until she gets to STAN and TOG.

STAN

Psssssst!

BETTY notices STAN and TOG.  She can scarcely conceal her joy as STAN whispers to her:

STAN

When Korax comes under our swords, we'll let him have it!

BETTY steps past STAN and TOG.  KORAX begins his march under the archway of swords.   KORAX is about to step under STAN's and TOG's swords, when KURTORTZ and KROZZ run in, dressed in their Yorongian underwear.

KURTORTZ

Halt!  It's the Earthman and the Tangorian!

KORAX steps back just in time to avoid the falling swords.

KORAX

Seize them!

The DANCING GIRLS run offstage screaming.  STAN and TOG fight with the GUARDS, and quickly disarm them.  Now comes the big sword fight!  TOG guards KURTORTZ and KROZZ and the disarmed GUARDS, while STAN turns to face KORAX, who has taken up one of the swords dropped by his GUARDS.

STAN

Now for you, Korax!

KORAX

Earthman, I salute you.  Few men have the honor of dying at the hands of an Emperor!

STAN

Sorry, Korax, but I have other plans.

KORAX

Insolent dog!  I am the finest swordsman on Yorong!

STAN

I prefer to let my sword do my talking!

KORAX

Then try to make it speak!

They have at it!  It's a marvelous sword fight in the grand Hollywood tradition.  For a moment, STAN seems to be getting the upper hand, when suddenly KORAX pulls a hidden dagger from his boot.  He almost stabs STAN, but our hero forces him to drop the dagger.

KORAX

I almost had you that time, Earthman!

STAN

On Earth we have a saying, Korax.  A miss is as good as a mile.

KORAX

Will you have an appropriate saying when my sword strikes you dead?

The fighting increases in intensity until STAN manages to knock the sword from KORAX's hand!  Stan has his sword at Korax's throat.

KORAX

Do you think my death will not stop Yorong's conquest of your planet?

STAN

Maybe it won't stop it, but I bet it'll slow it down.

STAN prepares to kill KORAX.

KURTORTZ

Don't do it Earthman.  If you harm our leader, the pain of your torture will be unimaginable.

TOG

Why should I let him live?

BETTY

I think not being unimaginably tortured is a good reason.

KORAX

I have a secret passageway leading from this room, for my escape from attack.  If you spare my life, I will show you how to escape from this castle.

STAN

Where is it?

KORAX

Here!  You can lock the entrance from the inside so that no one may follow you.

KORAX reveals a hidden entrance to a secret passageway.

STAN

I'm probably making a big mistake, but I'm going to let you live, for now, while I find a way to stop your invasion for good!  Betty, Tog, let's go!

STAN guards KORAX with his sword while BETTY enters the secret passageway.  TOG stands behind STAN.

STAN

We'll meet again, Korax!  And next time I won't be so merciful!

KURTORTZ and KROZZ have been creeping up on STAN.  They start to rush him, but STAN and TOG throw their swords at them.  As Kurtortz and KROZZ dodge the swords, STAN and TOG follow BETTY into the passageway, and STAN slams the door shut behind them.  KURTORTZ and KROZZ try to open the door, but it's locked.

KORAX

The fools thinks they have escaped, but no one escapes from Korax!  They are walking straight into my trap!  Soon they will find themselves between the walls of doom!

Blackout and curtain!

SCENE TEN:  BETWEEN THE WALLS OF DOOM

The walls of doom are brought on.  These are two small sections of walls, with doors in them.  They are on rollers, and are perpendicular to the audience.  The walls of doom must move across the stage, so they should also have sections of walls attached to them at right angles, to mask the people who will push the walls together.

The walls of doom start out at opposite sides of the stage.  As the lights come up, STAN, BETTY and TOG enter through the door in the stage left wall and slam it shut behind them.  We hear the soft hum of machinery as the walls begin to move very slowly together.

BETTY

What do we do now?

STAN

We'll had back to the Great Garovian Swamp and get Tog's friendly Alligator Men to help us.

TOG

If they can't help, no one can.  They're the strongest creatures on this planet, next to the Gorag Monster.

BETTY

What's the Gorag Monster?

They've crossed to the other door, but it's locked!

STAN

It's locked!  Quick!  Back to the other door!

They run back, but it's locked too!

TOG

It's locked too!

STAN

Holy cats!  We're trapped!

TOG

Is it my imagination, or is this room getting smaller?

BETTY

The walls!  They're closing in on us!  We'll all be crushed!

STAN

Steady, Betty!  We'll find a way out!

STAN and TOG attempt to push against the walls, but they can't stop them.  KORAX's voice comes over a loudspeaker.

KORAX

(over a loudspeaker)

Hear my words, Earthman!  This is Korax!  You have fallen into my trap!  There is no way you can escape!  You are doomed!

BETTY

No!

KORAX

(over a loudspeaker)

Doomed!

The walls close in on them!  Blackout! 

The walls are removed as we hear Wagner’s Prelude to Act III of LOHENGRIN.  A slide is projected which reads:  "CHAPTER 5.  ENTER THE ALUMINOIDS!"

STAN, BETTY, TOG and the walls of doom take their places to re-enact the end of the last chapter.  The lights come us as Korax's voice first comes over the loudspeaker.

KORAX

(over a loudspeaker)

Hear my words, Earthman!  This is Korax!  You have fallen into my trap!  There is no way you can escape!  You are doomed!

BETTY

No!

KORAX

(over a loudspeaker)

Doomed!

The walls close in on them! 

TOG

If we only had a frajistatz.

STAN

What's a frajistatz?

TOG

It's a green thing, about five inches long,

STAN

You mean like this?

STAN hands TOG a frajistatz.

TOG

A frajistatz!

STAN

It was in a pocket of Kurtortz's uniform!

The walls are making the three of them very uncomfortable.

BETTY

What's a frajistatz?

TOG

This is a frajistatz!!!

BETTY

But what does it do?

TOG

It's a Yorongian key.  If the energy pattern of this frajistatz matches the energy pattern of this door. . .

TOG pushes the frajistatz against the door, and the door opens, just in time!

TOG

It works!

STAN, TOG and BETTY tumble out through the open door as the walls of doom slam together.  Blackout!  The walls are removed from the stage.

SCENE ELEVEN:  KORAX'S THRONE ROOM

The curtain opens on the throne room.  The GUARDS have gone.  KURTORTZ and KROZZ are back in their normal uniforms, and are working on forcing open the door to the secret passageway.  KORAX and KLONG wait.  After a moment the door to the secret passageway opens.

KURTORTZ

We've forced open the entrance!

KORAX

My walls of doom must have crushed them by now.  Klong!  Go and scrape up the remains of my unfortunate enemies.

KLONG

Yes, your imperial radiance!

KLONG exits into the secret passageway.

KORAX

Nothing remains to thwart my plans.  The Earth will fall into my hands like an over-ripe Plutonian plum!

KORA runs in.

KORA

The sacrifices have escaped from the temple!  We must get them back or Kaila will be furious!

KORAX

They are beyond your fumbling grasp, my sister.  I have done what you could not!  I have crushed them to a pulp!  They are finished! 

KLONG enters.

KLONG

Your Imperial Radiance, the chamber is empty!  They have escaped!

KORAX

What???

KLONG

They must have found a frajistatz!

KORA

Where are they?

KLONG

The passageway leads to our solarship planet-port field.

KORAX

If they reach the field, the Tangorian will be able to pilot one of the smaller ships and they will escape!

KURTORTZ

We'll stop them, your Imperial Radiance!

KURTORTZ, KROZZ and KLONG start to run into the secret passageway, but KORAX stops them.

KORAX

Kurtortz!  Let me inquire, before you leave, have you got your frajistatz with you?

Kurtortz pats down his uniform, and is embarrassed to find he doesn't have his frajistatz.

KURTORTZ

No.  I must have left it in my ceremonial uniform!

KORAX

You may borrow mine, unless you wish to be crushed by the walls of doom!

KORAX hands KURTORTZ his frajistatz.

KURTORTZ

Thank you, your Imperial Radiance.  You saved my life.

KORAX

Your life means nothing to me!  But I need you to stop the Earthman from escaping.

KURTORTZ

I'll do it!  Come along, Krozz!

KURTORTZ and KROZZ run out through the secret passageway.

KORAX

Follow them, Klong, and report back to me.

KLONG follows KURTORTZ and KROZZ down the passageway.

KORAX

That Kurtortz is a fool.  Only the most demented of imbeciles would run down an imperial secret passageway without his frajistatz.

KORA starts to head down the passageway.

KORAX

Where do you think you are going?

KORA

Don't worry, I have my frajistatz.

KORA

Do not interfere with my plans, sister!.  You have already allowed my enemies to escape once.

KORAX

And your Captain Kurtortz has allowed them to escape four times!  I tell you, Kaila will have their blood!

KORAX

This is my affair!  You had best stay out of it!

KORA

I will follow them in my own solarship if necessary!  You cannot stop me!

She exits into the secret passageway.

                                                            KORAX

                                    Go then!  And may your ship crash into the

                                    Great Hydrochloric Sea!

KLONG enters from the secret passageway.

KLONG

Your Imperial Radiance! 

KORAX

What is it Klong?

KLONG

The Earthlings and the Tangorian took off in a Starline Rocketron.  Look!  There it is!

KORAX and KLONG look through a window (the same window through which they saw the rocketship in Scene 2).  A toy rocketship on a thread travels across the sky.

                                                            KLONG

                                    And there goes Captain Kurtortz in hot pursuit!

Another toy rocketship on a thread travels across the sky.

KORAX

Excellent!   He has taken a Cobalite Comet
Cruiser.  The Earthman is doomed.

A third toy rocketship on a thread appears.

                        KLONG

A third ship!  It must be your sister!

                        KORAX

That meddling fool is flying a Hyper-Helo Ship!

                        KLONG

The ships are flying awfully close, your Imperial
Radiance!

The toys crash into each other.  The threads are released, and the toys fall to the floor (out of view of the windows).

                        KLONG

All three ships crashed!  No one could have survived!

KORAX

I believe I have heard those words before.  But it doesn't matter if they survive or not.  They cannot possibly interfere with my plans now!  Come, Klong!  I shall give my astro-troops the command for take-off!  The invasion of Earth begins at once!

KORAX and KLONG exit.  Blackout.

SCENE TWELVE:  INTERIOR OF A CAVE IN THE DESERT

This scene also uses the cave set.  This time, it's a cave in the Great Northern Deserts of Golumph.  This time there is no scientific equipment (as there was in Tog's cave) or a graven idol (as there was in Kaila's Temple).  This time, there is a pile of rocks upstage left, which represents the rim of a crater filled with boiling aluminite.

STAN, BETTY and TOG enter, staggering. 

STAN

Holy cats, that was close.

TOG

I'll never know how we managed to survive that crash.

BETTY

Let's just be thankful we did.

TOG

And it was fortunate we crashed so close to this cave.  The desert heat was blistering.

BETTY

You know, this cave looks familiar.

TOG

It's a striking feature of Yorongian geology.  All the caves look alike.

STAN looks into the crater.

STAN

Watch where you step!  There's a deep crater over here behind these rocks.  It looks like there's some kind of molten metal down at the bottom.

ENTER KURTORTZ and KROZZ with their ray-guns drawn.

KURTORTZ

Aha!  We meet again, Stan Starburst!  I think Krozz and I owe you something for those clouts you gave us back in the forest!

STAN

Think nothing of it.  Those clouts were on the house!

KURTORTZ

Earthling swine!  Maybe I should kill you right here and now!

KURTORTZ raises his ray gun, but before he can fire, KORA enters with her ray gun drawn.

KORA

Aha!  We meet again, Stan Starburst. . .  and all the rest of you.  You are all my prisoners, for Kaila the goddess of death!

TOG

The fates have been kind.  Indiscriminate, but kind.  Everyone survived.  But we're stranded.  What can we do now.

KROZZ

He's right Captain Kurtortz.  We're stranded here in the desert.  No food.  No water.  What shall we do?

KORA

I propose a sacrifice.  We must spill some blood for Kaila!

TOG

Whose blood did you have in mind?

KORA

Not mine.  Unfortunately, I must deny myself that honor.  I must live to serve Kaila.

TOG

Yes, that is unfortunate.

BETTY

Please!  Can't we all stop fighting and just be friends?

The Yorongians look at her as if she were crazy.

STAN

Where are we, anyway?

KURTORTZ

Somewhere in the Great Northern Deserts of Golumph.

BETTY

Does anyone live here.

KURTORTZ

No.  Oh, there are myths that it is inhabited by a race of strange, metallic super-beings called Aluminoids, but that's just legend.  No educated adult Yorongian believes in such things.

Enter two strange metallic super-beings.  These ALUMINOIDS are two actors dressed in robot costumes, or imply wrapped from head to foot in aluminum foil.  TOG is the first to see them.

TOG

Excuse me, Mr. Educated Adult Yorongian, but here come two of your legends!

STAN

Holy cats!  Aluminoids!

KURTORTZ

Fire, Krozz!  Shoot them down.

KURTORTZ, KROZZ and KORA all shoot their ray guns at the ALUMINOIDS, but it does no good.  The ALUMINOIDS march forward and disarm the Yorongians.

ALUMINOIDS

Intruders...  not...  welcome...   Must...  kill...  intruders...   Intruders...  must...  be...  destroyed...

BETTY

But you can't kill us!  There must be some mistake.

ALUMINOIDS

Mistake...  not...  possible...  Not...  possible... not...  possible...  Aluminoids… are… perfect….  incapable…. of… error…

As the ALUMINOIDS move to KORA and grab hold of her.

KORA

How dare you!  Release me at once!

ALUMINOIDS

Woman...  offers...  resistance...

KORA

You're certainly right I offer resistance, you metallic barbarian!

KURTORTZ looks at KORA with new-found admiration.

KURTORTZ

Good for you, Kora!

KORA

I am a High Priestess and may not be treated in this manner.

The ALUMINOIDS pick up KORA and drag her toward the crater!

ALUMINOIDS

All...  intruders...  must...  be...  destroyed...  including...  high...  priestesses...

KURTORTZ

They're going to throw her into that crater of liquid aluminite!

STAN

Stop!  She may be a sadistic, bloodthirsty, murdering heathen, but she is a woman!  I can't let you kill her in cold blood!

ALUMINOIDS

You...  cannot...  stop...  us....

STAN

Maybe not, but I can try!  Listen to me!  You think you're incapable of making mistakes!  But if you were perfect, you wouldn't allow intruders to get into your lair in the first place.  So you made a mistake.

ALUMINOIDS

No...  mistake...  We...  like...  intruders...  to...  get...  in...  so...  we...  can....  destroy...  them...   Destroying...  intruders...  is...  fun....

The ALUMINOIDS let go of KORA and attack STAN.  STAN fights valiantly, but he is no match for the ALUMINOIDS.

BETTY

Help him!  Why don't you help him!

KURTORTZ

It's no use!  The Aluminoids have incredible strength!

TOG

I'll help!

TOG tries to help, but he is immediately knocked unconscious by an ALUMINOID.  Furious, STAN knocks the ALUMINOID (the one who hit TOG) into the crater.  STAN and the remaining ALUMINOID struggle at the edge of the crater, until they both fall in!  BETTY screams!

Blackout, curtain and Wagner’s Prelude to Act III of LOHENGRIN!  A slide is projected which reads:  "CHAPTER 6.  THE KING OF THE ALUMINOIDS!"

The slide goes out, the curtain opens, and the end of the scene is re-enacted.

TOG

I'll help!

TOG tries to help, but he is immediately knocked unconscious by an ALUMINOID.  Furious, STAN knocks the ALUMINOID (the one who hit TOG) into the crater.  STAN and the remaining ALUMINOID struggle at the edge of the crater, until they both fall in!  BETTY screams!

BETTY

No!  No!  He's dead!  This is all your fault!  If it weren't for you, he would still be alive!

KURTORTZ

That's not fair.  We didn't bring the Aluminoids here!

KROZZ

Besides, he was just an Earthman.

BETTY

Oh no, he wasn't just an Earthman.  He was so much more!  He was a hero.  A noble man willing to give his life to protect the innocent.

                        KORA

I am not an innocent.

                        BETTY

That’s true.  He was even willing to give his life to protect a bloodthirsty homicidal maniac.  I guess some people would say that he was a fool to sacrifice his life for Kora.

                        KURTORTZ

I’d say that.

                        BETTY

But he was the man I loved!

STAN's voice rises up from the crater.

STAN

(from the crater)

Help!

BETTY

It's Stan!!!

They all run to the crater and pull STAN out of it.

BETTY

What happened?

STAN

Just a few scant feet about the bubbling aluminite, I caught on to a thin outcropping of rock.  The Aluminoids weren't so lucky.  They died a horrible dead.  Holy cats, that was a close one.

BETTY

I'll say.