WITH SWORD AND RUBBER CHICKEN

by Richard Nathan

EXT.  THE SHORE OF THE AEGEAN SEA  --  SUNSET

It's the Eighth Century B.C.  The old, blind poet Homer wanders along the shore of the Aegean Sea.  His mind is in turmoil.  

                                                            HOMER
                                    The vast eternal, wine-dark sea. 
                                   
Although my ancient eyes are sightless
                                    now, and so may not behold the 
                                    churning waves, I hear them still, 
                                    and still their surging roar bestirs 
                                    my weary soul.  What is as old as 
                                    the sea?  The sun.  The stars.  The 
                                    gods, most certainly.  But what else 
                                    is as old as the sea?  The joke about 
                                    the man who says to the Waiter, "Do 
                                    you have crabs' legs?"  And the Waiter 
                                    says, "No, I've always walked like 
                                    this."  That joke surely is of infinite 
                                    age.  In my youth, I composed "The 
                                    Odyssey," an epic poem telling the 
                                    voyages of brave Ulysses, but 
                                    I did not include therein a large 
                                    degree of humor.  Now, in my 
                                    declining years, when thoughts of 
                                    things long dead begin to haunt my 
                                    every hour, I feel compelled to 
                                    retell that story, with ancient jokes 
                                    included.  Shall I do so now?  Shall
                                    I retell the story of Ulysses with old 
                                    and awful jokes?  Oh, for a sign from 
                                    the gods to tell me what to do.

Homer is hit in the face with a large cream pie.  The pie drips down his face into the surf.  A rubber chicken floats in the tide.

OPENING TITLES

(If it's at all possible, it would be nice to get the song "TALES OF BRAVE ULYSSES" by CREAM for the opening credits.)

EXT.  A BEACH NEAR TROY  --  DAY

Ulysses' CREW is preparing for their voyage home.  They have all their loot piled up on the shore, and they are loading it onto their ship, which is anchored at the nearby dock.  Included in the plunder are crates labeled "Whoopee Cushions,"  "Dribble Glasses," "Joy Buzzers," and "Rubber Chickens.

                                                            HOMER
                                                (V.O.)
                                    My story begins after the end of the Trojan
                                    War, as victorious Greeks prepare to sail 
                                    home to Ithaca.

Three members of the crew, PSYCHOSIS, PSORIASIS, and CIRRHOSIS discuss the voyage home.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Come, victorious Greeks, let us prepare to 
                                    sail home to Ithaca.

                                                            HOMER
                                                (V.O.)
                                    I said that already!

Psoriasis ignores the voice of Homer.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    It is a glorious day to set sail, is it not, 
                                    Psychosis?

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Aye, good Psoriasis.  Come, Cirrhosis.  
                                   
Let us kneel and thank the gods for the 
                                    victory we have achieved, through the 
                                    brave sacrifice of our fallen comrades.

Psychosis, Psoriasis and Cirrhosis kneel.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Thanks, gods!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    At last an end has come to the war!

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Thanks for the war!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Soon we will sail home with our plunder, 
                                    the rich rewards of battle!

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Thanks for the battle.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Though the sea is filled with perils, with 
                                    Ulysses as our Captain, we will fear 
                                    nothing!

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Thanks for nothing!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Look!  Here comes Ulysses now!

EXT.  FURTHER UP THE BEACH  --  DAY  

A handsome CHARIOTEER speed his chariot over the sand.  He looks like a Greek god.  As he approaches the crew, he gives the reins a sharp pull and the chariot comes to a halt.

                                                            CHARIOTEER
                                    We're here, sir.

ULYSSES hops out of the back of the chariot, where he has been sitting.  He carries a worn-out valise.  Ulysses looks more like a Jewish comedian than a handsome Greek warrior.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Thanks, Cabbie.  What do I owe you?

The Charioteer glances at the meter on the chariot.

                                                            CHARIOTEER
                                    Let's see, that'll be....

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Quick!  Get down!

Ulysses dives at the Charioteer and knocks him down into the sand. 

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Look!  There are a thousand angry Trojans 
                                    charging over that hill!  King Priam himself 
                                    is leading the charge!

The Charioteer scans the horizon, but can't find a single angry Trojan.  He starts to stand up, but Ulysses pulls him back into the sand!

                                                            CHARIOTEER
                                    But....

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Stay down, you fool!  Can't you see the charge?

                                                            CHARIOTEER
                                                (standing)
                                    But there is no charge!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                                (standing)
                                    Really?  That's awfully nice of you.  I'll have 
                                    to not charge you sometime.

Ulysses starts to walk off down the beach.

                                                            CHARIOTEER
                                    Hey!  You owe me for the ride!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    What!  You just said there was no charge.

                                                            CHARIOTEER
                                    But....

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    "There is no charge!"  Those were your exact 
                                    words.

                                                            CHARIOTEER
                                    But that's no fair!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Well, no fare - no charge; it's the same thing, 
                                    isn't it?  Here, have a rubber chicken.

Ulysses opens his valise, which is crammed with rubber chickens.  He takes out a chicken and hands it to the stunned Charioteer.  Then he hurries off down the beach to meet his crew.

EXT.  THE BEACH  --  DAY

Ulysses joins his crew.  All of the remaining plunder has been stowed aboard the ship.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Hi guys!  What's up?

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Today is the day we sail for Ithaca, great 
                                    Ulysses.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Really?  And I was just starting to like it 
                                    here.

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    But our work is done.  The war is finally over.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    That what I said!  I'm just starting to like it 
                                    here!

Suddenly Ulysses becomes very melodramatic.  He starts his Trojan War speech...

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    The Trojan War!  Much brave blood was 
                                    shed!  Many brave men fell!

Ulysses looks directly into the camera and addresses the audience.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Let that be a lesson to all you brave men 
                                    out there!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Ulysses!  It's time to board the ship!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Quiet!  I was just starting my big speech.  
                                   
The Trojan War!  Much brave blood was 
                                    shed!  Many brave men fell!  Achilles fell.  
                                   
Patroklos fell.  Antilokhos fell.  Even I fell!  
                                   
I kept slipping in all that brave blood!  The 
                                    Trojan War!

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    It's time to sail for home!  You remember 
                                    home!  Your wife Penelope!  Your child 
                                    Telemachus!  Your dog Argos!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    That's right!  I did have a dog!  I remember I 
                                    had a dog without a nose.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    A dog without a nose!  How did he smell?

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Terrible!  All right, lead the way to the boat!

The Crew lead Ulysses to the ship.

EXT.  PROW OF THE SHIP  --  DAY

Ulysses poses at the prow of his ship, looking like the heroic captain of the vessel.  Psychosis, Psoriasis and Cirrhosis stand beside him.  

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Now then, where did you guys say we were 
                                    going?

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Ithaca, my Captain.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Right!  Now, let's see.  I used to know where 
                                    Ithaca was.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    I have some maps here, wise Ulysses.

Psoriasis hands Ulysses several nautical maps and charts.  Ulysses angrily rips them to shreds.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Maps!  MAPS!  I have no need of maps!  
                                   
Ulysses steers by the stars!  Besides, I hate 
                                    maps.  I can never figure out how to fold 
                                    them up again.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Then steer by the stars, valiant Ulysses.

Ulysses scans the heavens.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    I will!  I will steer by the stars!  I would, if I 
                                    could see any.  Any of you guys see any stars?

They all search the sky.

FADE TO:  

EXT.  PROW OF THE SHIP  --  NIGHT

Night comes on.  Ulysses and his crew remain at the prow.  It becomes very dark.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Look!  There are the stars, noble Ulysses!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Yeah, but now it's too dark to see where 
                                    we're going!

EXT.  HELM OF THE SHIP  --  DAY  (SPRING)

Ulysses stands at the helm on a beautiful spring day.

                                                            HOMER
                                                (V.O.)
                                    For over a year Ulysses commanded the 
                                    helm of his ship, trying to find his way home.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Psychosis!  Did you swab the deck, scrub 
                                    the portholes and polish the rails?

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                                (O.S.)
                                    Aye, aye, Captain.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Then get out the telescope and sweep the 
                                    horizon!  Cirrhosis, weigh the anchor!

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                                (O.S.)
                                    Three tons, twelve pounds, six ounces!

EXT.  THE HELM OF THE SHIP  --  DAY  (SUMMER)

The seasons change.  Now it is summer, and Ulysses is wearing a yachting cap and sunglasses.  He starts talking like Robert Newton playing Long John Silver.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Arrr, me lads!  See to the mizzen mast.

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                                (O.S.)
                                    We can't see it!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Of course not!  How can you see it when it's 
                                    mizzen!  Har!  Har!  Har!

EXT.  THE HELM OF THE SHIP  --  DAY  (AUTUMN)

Now it's autumn, and Ulysses wears a scarf.  There's a terrible storm, and the ship is tossed upon the waves.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Heave to!  Heave to!  If you were as seasick 
                                    as I am, you'd heave too.

EXT.  THE HELM OF THE SHIP  --  DAY  (WINTER)

Snow is falling all over the deck.  Ulysses is all bundled up in his winter clothing, but he is still freezing cold.  A penguin waddles through the snow.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Shiver me timbers, not to mention the rest of 
                                    me.  It's cold!

Cirrhosis walks onto the helm.  He is also dressed in winter clothing, and is shivering so badly he's barely able to speak.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    It's so cold, I saw a man start a fire to warm 
                                    his face.....

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    So?  Lots of men start fires to warm their 
                                    faces!

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    In their beards?

A bearded sailor, with his beard in flames, runs by in a panic.  He jumps over the railing, into the sea.  Ulysses looks, and the splash hits him in the face.

EXT.  THE HELM OF THE SHIP  --  DAY  (SPRING)

It's spring again.  Ulysses stands at the helm with Psoriasis.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    I give up.  This is useless.  We're not getting 
                                    anywhere.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    It might help if we cast off.

A long rope still holds the ship firmly to the dock.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Cast off!  You want to drift out to sea???  
                                   
Then we'd really be lost!

EXT.  THE SHIP AT SEA  --  DAY

The ship sails through the sea.

                                                            HOMER
                                                (V.O.)
                                    Finally their voyage was underway, and 
                                    soon they were lost at sea.  When they 
                                    finally spotted land, Ulysses was so overjoyed 
                                    that he rushed ashore and kissed the ground.

EXT.  BEACH ON THE ISLAND OF LOTUS-EATERS  --  DAY

Ulysses boat is anchored just off the shore of the island of the Lotus-Eaters.  Ulysses jumps off the ship and runs through the surf up to the shore.  He leaps into a patch of vegetation and starts to kiss the ground.  

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Ground!  Ground at last!  Ground!  Which 
                                    reminds me of the joke about the customer 
                                    who says, "This coffee tastes like mud!'' And 
                                    the waitress says, "I'm not surprised.  It was 
                                    ground this morning."

Two LOTUS-EATERS emerge from the nearby woods.  They were tie-dyed togas and their hair is long and shaggy.  

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    Dig it, man.

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    Far out!

Members of Ulysses crew, including Psoriasis, Psychosis and Cirrhosis, join Ulysses on the shore.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Why do you stare?  Our mighty leader, 
                                    noble Ulysses, is merely celebrating our 
                                    safe landing.  We have been as sea for
                                    many weeks.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    Man, he'd have to have been at sea a long 
                                    time to kiss that poison ivy like that!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Poison ivy?

INT.  ULYSSES'S CABIN ON THE SHIP  --  DAY

Ulysses is having his entire head wrapped in bandages by Psoriasis.

                                                            HOMER
                                                (V.O.)
                                    Due to some rash actions on the part of 
                                    Ulysses, they had to remain on the island for 
                                    several days.

Psychosis and Cirrhosis enter the cabin and address their captain.

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Request permission to go ashore, Captain.

Ulysses shouts inaudibly under the bandages.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Thank you!  Your kindness is legendary. 

Ulysses shouts angrily under the bandages as Psychosis and Cirrhosis leave.

EXT.  A CLEARING ON THE ISLAND OF LOTUS-EATERS  --  DAY

The two Lotus-Eaters meet in a clearing on their island.  They've both been getting off on lotuses, and aren't coherent.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    Hey man!  What's happening?

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    It is?

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    I don't know, man.  I thought I was asking 
                                    you.

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    What was you asking me?

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    I was asking you a question!  Man, I got to 
                                    cut down on these lotuses.  It's like they're 
                                    destroying my.... destroying my.... 

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    Brain?

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    Yeah!

The First Lotus-Eater picks up a coconut and shows it to the Second Lotus-Eater.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    It's like, this is my brain.

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    I can dig it.

He takes a bunch of lotuses out of his pocket and puts them under the coconut.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    And this is my brain on a pile of lotuses.

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    Far out!  But like, your brain is still a coconut.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    It is?  Wow!  No wonder I'm so messed up!  
                                   
I'm gonna eat some lotuses!

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    Me too!

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    Well, lotus begin.

They commence eating the lotuses.  Cirrhosis and Psychosis come up behind them.

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Look at these simple savages, eating those 
                                    raw plants.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    Here, man, have a lotus.

He offers a lotus to Psychosis, who takes a tiny taste.

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    You too, man.  You won't regret it.  You 
                                    won't regret anything.

He gives Cirrhosis a lotus, which Cirrhosis tastes.

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    These aren't particularly tasty.

He takes another bite.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    They taste sort of like, uh....

Cirrhosis tries another bite.  He and Psychosis keep eating the lotuses.  When they finish, the Lotus-Eaters hand them more.  They all get progressively more and more stoned.

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    They taste like something.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                                (impressed)
                                    Oh yeah!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    You think so?

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Hey, I could be wrong.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    They taste like Lotuses!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    That's it.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Hey man, gimme another one of them lotuses!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Me too, man!  I really dig those lotuses.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    Hey, man, where’s that bonehead captain 
                                    of yours?

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Man, he’s not a bonehead.  He’s noble 
                                    Ulyssesses!

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    Ulyssessesseses?

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    No, man.  You said too many “ess”es.  At least 
                                    two times too many “esses.”

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Yeah, our captain is only half-essed.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    And he’s no bone head.  His head is totally 
                                    boneless!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Of course, that don’t mean he can’t make a 
                                    little mistake or two.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Like getting us lost at sea.

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    With no way of knowing where we are or 
                                    where we’re going!

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    So we’re all going to drown, or starve, or die!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    That bonehead!

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER  
                                    Hey, you know what else is great about lotuses?  
                                   
When you get tired of eating them, you can smoke 
                                    them!

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    Wow?  Really?

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER  
                                    Here.  I'll show you how to do it.  But you've got 
                                    to remember to inhale.

The Lotus-Eaters start to roll some lotus joints.

INT.  ULYSSES’S CABIN ON THE SHIP  --  DAY

Ulysses and Psoriasis stand in Ulysses’ cabin.  Ulysses no longer wears the bandages; his face has healed.

                                                            HOMER
                                                (V.O.)
                                    One week later, Ulysses was ready to set sail.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Psoriasis, are the men ready?

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Everyone except Psychosis and Cirrhosis.  
                                   
They never returned from shore leave.  

                                                            ULYSSES
                                    Then let's go get them!

EXT.  THE CLEARING ON THE ISLAND  -  DAY

Psychosis, Cirrhosis and the two Lotus-Eaters lie on the ground beside a campfire, smoking lotus joints.

                                                            FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    What I dig most about lotuses is how they 
                                    raise my consciousness.

                                                            SECOND LOTUS-EATER
                                    Me too man.

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    You know what I'm conscious of right now?

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    What?

                                                            PSYCHOSIS
                                    I'm conscious my robe is on fire.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    Cool!

The hem of Psychosis's robe has indeed caught on fire.  Fortunately for Psychosis, Psoriasis arrives on the scene just in time to stamp on the flames before they are large enough to cook Psychosis.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Psychosis, are you mad?

PSYCHOSIS

No, man, I forgive you.

 

PSORIASIS

If I hadn't stamped out that fire, you'd have been
incinerated!

 

PSYCHOSIS

Hey man, just what are you trying to incinerate?

Ulysses arrives.

ULYSSES

Come on, men!  It's time to head for home!

 

CIRRHOSIS

Uh-uh.  Our home is with these heads.

 

PSORIASIS

Don't you want to return with us?  Don't you want
to see your wives and children?  Don't you want
to go home?

 

CIRRHOSIS

That's right.  We don't.

 

ULYSSES

Men, it would be easy for me to join you.  It would
be easy for me to forget about my wife, to forget
about my son, and to forget about my dog without
a nose.  Sure it would be easy to forget them and
to waste the rest of my life away eating lotuses,
but I won't do it!  And you know why?

 

PSYCHOS

Why?

 

ULYSSES

Because we're only twenty minutes into the Picture! 
That's why!!!  Men, I order you to cease at once!

 

PSYCHOSIS

Yeah, I'm going to cease me another lotus!

 

PSORIASIS

They won't come with us, mighty Ulysses.  What
can we do?

 

ULYSSES

There's an old saying.  If you can't beat them,
join them.  And I intend to beat the hell out of
these morons.  Come, Psoriasis.  Let's get back
to the ship.

EXT.  THE CLEARING ON THE ISLAND  -  DAY

A montage of Psychosis and Psoriasis getting more and more stoned with the two Lotus-Eaters, as time passes.  They all start giggling hysterically.  Then they hear someone approaching.

FIRST LOTUS-EATER

Hey, man, someone's coming.

 

CIRRHOSIS

I don't think it's me, cause I'm here. 

Enter Ulysses, dressed like one of the Lotus-Eaters.

ULYSSES

Hey man!  Far away!  What's going on?

 

PSYCHOSIS

What's with you, man?

 

ULYSSES

Hey man!  I'm here to enlist.  I wanna put it on!

 

FIRST LOTUS-EATER

You mean you want some lotuses, man?

 

ULYSSES

Lotuses! Oh man, lotuses are in sight!  I got something
much further away.  You smoke some of this stuff,
and you'll never want to see a lotus again.

Ulysses hands out a fistful of joints to Psychosis, Cirrhosis and the two Lotus-Eaters.

SECOND LOTUS-EATER

Is it good stuff, man?

 

ULYSSES

Yeah, man!

 

FIRST LOTUS-EATER

If it turned you into a freak, it must be something else!

 

ULYSSES

No it isn't!  It's good stuff!  Honest!

 

FIRST LOTUS-EATER

Okay, man, we'll give it a try. 

Ulysses watches as Psychosis, Cirrhosis and the Lotus-Eaters light up their joints.

FIRST LOTUS-EATER

Aren't you gonna smoke one, man?

 

ULYSSES

Hey, I'm so high already, if I smoked anymore,
the air would be too thin to breathe.  You guys go
ahead. 

The others begin smoking.  Ulysses grins.

                                                              FIRST LOTUS-EATER
                                    Far out, man! 

CIRRHOSIS

Oh wow!

 

PSYCHOSIS

Oh wow oh wow.

 

SECOND LOTUS-EATER

Dynamite stuff, man  What do you call it?

 

ULYSSES

Poison ivy, man! 

All the smokers faint.

EXT.  THE BRIDGE OF ULYSSES'S SHIP  -  DAY

Ulysses and Psoriasis stand at the bridge.  The ship has sailed far from the island of the Lotus-Eaters.

ULYSSES

How are they doing?

 

PSORIASIS

They will survive to complete the voyage.

 

ULYSSES

Good.  That will show them! 

A SAILOR cries from off-screen.

                                                            SAILOR
                                                    (off-screen)
                                    Land ho!

ULYSSES

Look!  There's another island! 

 

PSORIASIS

I wonder where we are.

 

ULYSSES

Wherever it is, it's got to be better than that
island of the Lotus-Eaters. 

EXT.  THE SHORE OF CYCLOPS ISLAND - DAY

The ship anchors on the shore.  Down the beach, unnoticed by Ulysses and his men, is a big sign which reads "WARNING!  CYCLOPS ISLAND!  BEWARE!!!"  Ulysses and his crew get out of the ship.

ULYSSES

Men, it is an ancient custom to give gifts to
wandering strangers.  I propose we search this
island for someone to give us presents. 
And if we find anyone and they won't give us
presents, I propose we engage in another ancient
custom:  looting and pillaging.  Are there any
questions?

 

CIRRHOSIS

Yes!

 

ULYSSES

How dare you question your captain! 

Ulysses beats Cirrhosis over the head with a rubber chicken.

                                                            CIRRHOSIS
                                    I just wanted to know what kind of presents
                                    we might get.

ULYSSES

I don't know.  Maybe a Grecian urn.

 

CIRRHOSIS

What's a Grecian urn?

 

PSYCHOSIS

About sixty drachmas a week.

Ulysses hits Psychosis with the rubber chicken.

ULYSSES

Now then, you men gather up some supplies,
and follow me!  Let's go get those presents!

The men start gathering up some supplies.

EXT.  THE MOUTH OF POLYPHEMUS' CAVE  -  DAY

Ulysses and his crew come to the mouth of an enormous cave.  A huge boulder rests near the entrance.

ULYSSES

Come on.  Let's see if there's anyone inside.

They enter the cave.

INT.  POLYPHEMUS' CAVE  -  DAY

Ulysses and his crew explore the dimly lit cave.

ULYSSES

I don't see anyone in here.

 

PSORIASIS

Let us leave this place, Ulysses.  I sense there is much
evil here.

Against the wall of the cave are many boxes, all labeled: EVIL.  Suddenly there is a noise from off-screen.  Something is coming, something monstrously huge.

                                                            POLYPHEMUS
                                                    (off-screen)
                                    Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum!
                                    Smell the blood of a Grecian Man!
                                    Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum!
                                    Smell the blood of a Grecian Man! 

ULYSSES

You're missing the "I."

POLYPHEMUS appears.  He is a savage giant with one eye in the middle of his forehead.  He carries a large wooden staff.

POLYPHEMUS

You're telling me!

A large flock of sheep follow Polyphemus into the cave.

POLYPHEMUS

Come on in, you sheep!

 

PSORIASIS

Look at all those sheep!

 

CIRRHOSIS

I've never seen so many sheep.

 

PSYCHOSIS

I wonder what he does with so many sheep.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                                    (addressing the Cyclops)
                                    My men would like to know what you do
                                    with all these sheep. 

POLYPHEMUS

I herd them.

 

ULYSSES

I said my men would like to know what you
do with all these sheep.

 

POLYPHEMUS

I herd them!

 

ULYSSES

Well if you heard them, why don't you answer
the question!

 

POLYPHEMUS

I herd the sheep!  I'm a shepherd!  What did you
think I did with them?

 

ULYSSES

Let's leave your personal affairs out of this.

 

POLYPHEMUS

Actually I only tend these sheep to earn a living. 
I spend most of my time pondering questions of
morality, metaphysics, aesthetics...

 

ULYSSES

Say, are you really a giant, or just a hot air balloon?

 

POLYPHEMUS

I am a philosopher.

Polyphemus sits back against a wall of the cave, takes out a pipe.  He lights the pipe with a giant torch, and begins to smoke.

ULYSSES

That's what I thought.

 

POLYPHEMUS

I find that only through contemplation of the great
philosophical questions can I truly feel alive. 
As Descartes once said... you have read
Descartes, haven't you?

 

ULYSSES

No, I'm still working on the odes of Horace.

 

POLYPHEMUS

But you may read Descartes without having first
read Horace!

 

ULYSSES

Oh yeah?  Haven't you ever heard it's wrong to put
Descartes before the Horace?

 

POLYPHEMUS

Be that as it may, Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am."

 

ULYSSES

Am what?

 

POLYPHEMUS

Am existing.  Descartes felt that thought affirmed his
existence, so he said, "I think, therefore I am."

 

ULYSSES

But he isn't!  In fact, he hasn't even been born yet. 
Remember this is ancient Greece!  Maybe someday
Descartes will think, and therefore he will be, but
what if he only guesses?  Will he say, "I guess,
therefore I'm not"? 

 

POLYPHEMUS

What a strange idea!  Who are you?

 

ULYSSES

Me?  I'm nobody.  But then, I'm only guessing.

 

POLYPHEMUS

You mean you've lost your sense of identity.

 

ULYSSES

No, I'm sure it's around here someplace.

 

POLYPHEMUS

I see.  Well, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my supper. 

The Cyclops picks up a member of Ulysses' crew (not Psychosis, Psoriasis or Cirrhosis) and smashes him against the wall, and then eats him.

ULYSSES

My gods!  What are you doing???  You're eating a
member of my crew!  That's repulsive!

 

POLYPHEMUS

Oh, the meat's a bit stringy, but he's not all that bad!

 

ULYSSES

Aren't you afraid the gods will punish you for eating
people?

 

POLYPHEMUS

The gods have nothing to do with our destinies! 
We are the masters of our fates!  We have free will! 
You must tell me your thoughts about free will!

 

ULYSSES

Do I have any choice?

 

POLYPHEMUS

Exactly!

 

ULYSSES

Free will!  Let's see...  Free will is much better than
the expensive kind.  I myself am a victim of the high
cost of will these days.  Do you realize I have to pay
myself five gold drachmas just to will myself out of
bed in the morning?  But where there's a will there's
a way.  And where there's a free will there's a freeway
– and I wish I were on it.

 

POLYPHEMUS

Fascinating.  But I believe we've had enough
ruminations for one evening.

Ulysses' crew have been cowering in the back of the cave.  Now Cirrhosis steps forward and speaks:

CIRRHOSIS

I had an aunt with ruminations.

 

ULYSSES

Shut up! 

Ulysses hits Cirrhosis with the rubber chicken.

                                                             POLYPHEMUS
                                    We'll continue our discussion in the morning.  Now
                                    I'm going to place this boulder in the entrance
                                    of my cave, so you will have to remain as my guests.

Polyphemus moves the huge boulder so that it blocks the mouth of the cave.

                                                            POLYPHEMUS
                                    Goodnight.

Polyphemus blows out the torch which has been lighting the cave, and everything is plunged into darkness.  We hear voices in the dark:

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                    Quick-witted Ulysses, what are we going to
                                    do now?

ULYSSES

Well, we could always panic.

                                                            VARIOUS CREWMEN
                                                        (screaming)
                                    Help!  Help!  Someone save us!  I don't want to die! 
                                   
I'm too young to die!  We can't die!  It's too early in
                                    the picture!  Get us out of here! 

POLYPHEMUS

If you don't all quiet down, I may decide to have a
midnight snack.

Abruptly, there is absolute silence.

POLYPHEMUS

That's better. 

EXT.  OUTSIDE THE CAVE  -  MORNING

The next morning, Polyphemus rolls away the stone blocking the entrance to the cave, and lets the herd of sheep out his cave.

                                                            HOMER
                                                    (V.O.)
                                    The next morning, the Cyclops took his sheep
                                    out to graze.

Polyphemus calls to Ulysses and his men who are still inside the cave.

                                                            POLYPHEMUS
                                    I trust you fellows won't try anything while I'm
                                    away.  I would hate to have to punish you before
                                    I eat you.

He rolls the huge stone back in front of the entrance to the cave, trapping Ulysses and his men inside.

INT.  INSIDE POLYPHEMUS' CAVE  -  DAY

Ulysses and his crew are gathered together making plans.

ULYSSES

What sort of provisions did you men bring?

 

PSYCHOSIS

Fifty-two sacks of wine and a loaf of bread.

 

CIRRHOSIS

What are we going to do with all that bread? 

Ulysses hits Cirrhosis with a rubber chicken.

ULYSSES

That wine give me an idea.  When the Cyclops comes
back tonight, I'll get him drunk.  Then, as soon as he's
unconscious and completely defenseless... I'll rub
poison ivy all over his face!!!

 

PSORIASIS

But we don't have any poison ivy.  Why don't he heat
up a big long stick, and plunge it into the Cyclops' eye?

 

ULYSSES

Psoriasis, that's the cruelest, dirtiest, most underhanded
trick I've ever heard.  And I'm ashamed.  I'm ashamed I
didn't think of it myself.  Now where are we going to
find a big long stick?

 

PSORIASIS

What about the Cyclops' staff?

 

ULYSSES

One cyclops is enough to worry about.  Let's leave his
business associates out of this.

 

PSORIASIS

I mean his crooked staff.

 

ULYSSES

I didn't think he'd have honest people working for him.

 

PSORIASIS

No no no!  I mean the pole...

 

ULYSSES

I don't care what their nationalities are.  I don't want to
involve anyone from the Cyclops' staff.  No I want all
you men to look for a big long stick... like the one the
Cyclops uses to herd his sheep with.

 

EXT.  THE ENTRANCE TO THE CAVE  -  EVENING

Polyphemus returns with his sheep.

                                                            HOMER
                                                    (V.O.)
                                    That evening, the Cyclops returned.

Polyphemus rolls the stone away from the opening of the cave.

INT.  INSIDE THE CAVE  -  EVENING

Polyphemus enters with his sheep.

POLYPHEMUS

Who shall I have for dinner tonight?

 

ULYSSES

Wait a minute, Cyclops.  Wouldn't you like some
wine before dinner?

 

POLYPHEMUS

Wine?  Did you say wine?  I adore wine, and we
never get any on this island!  Bring me the wine
at once!

 

ULYSSES

We've already poured some into your goblet. 

Ulysses and his men drag a giant, Cyclops-sized goblet, filled with wine, over to Polyphemus, who picks it up and drinks it.

POLYPHEMUS

Ah, there is nothing better than wine!  Let us sing praises
to the god of wine!  Sign praises to Bacchus.  Don't you
love singing to Bacchus?

 

ULYSSES

Actually, I prefer smoking tobacchus... or chewing
tobacchus... 

Polyphemus drains his goblet.

POLYPHEMUS

That was magnificent.  Do you have any other sort of wine?

 

ULYSSES

Sure.  What would you like?

 

POLYPHEMUS

Could you treat me to some Chablis?

 

ULYSSES

I don't see why not.  You've been treating me Chablis
since I got here.  Men!  Let's have some Chablis for
the Cyclops! 

Ulysses pour more wine into Polyphemus' goblet.

POLYPHEMUS

My name is Polyphemus.  What is your name?

 

ULYSSES

Don't you remember?  I'm Nobody, the one with the
identity crisis.

 

POLYPHEMUS

All right, Nobody, let's drink! 

Polyphemus drains his glass of Chablis in a single gulp.

POLYPHEMUS

More wine!  More wine!

Ulysses' men pour more wine for Polyphemus.

POLYPHEMUS

Hey, Nobody, you know what I'm going to do.

 

ULYSSES

I'll lay odds you don't know what you're going to do.

 

POLYPHEMUS

What?

 

ULYSSES

I give up.

 

POLYPHEMUS

I give up too.

 

ULYSSES

You do?  Then you'll let us go free?

 

POLYPHEMUS

No, but to show my appreciation, I'm going to eat
you last of all.

 

ULYSSES

What?  I've given you the best years of my wine cellar,
and this is the thanks I get?  You want me to watch
while you eat my entire crew!  My men, my dearest
friends and companions.  If you really wanted to show
your appreciation, you would spare me that gruesome
sight!

 

POLYPHEMUS

You want me to eat you first?

 

ULYSSES

No!  I want you to let me out of here!  When I'm gone,
then you can eat!

 

POLYPHEMUS

Sorry.  I can't do that.  The most I'll do is eat you last. 
Take it or leave it.

 

ULYSSES

But that's absurd.

 

POLYPHEMUS

Well, we all know what Kierkegaard said about the absurd.

 

ULYSSES

Yes, but what don't you remind us, in case we've forgotten.

 

POLYPHEMUS

Wait a minute!  I want to make sure I get this right.

Polyphemus goes to a bookcase filled with giant, Cyclops-sized books, and takes out a copy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.

ULYSSES

I see you have a copy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.

 

POLYPHEMUS

I have two copies.

 

ULYSSES

Oh, a Bartlett's pair! 

Polyphemus searches in the book and finds the quote from Kierkegaard.

POLYPHEMUS

Here it is! As Soren Kierkegaard said, "The absurd is
not one of the factors that can be discriminated within
the proper compass of the understanding."

 

ULYSSES

As Groucho Marx said, "Is this on the level, or are
you making it up as you go along?"

 

POLYPHEMUS

I assure you, Kierkegaard was a great man.  He is the
father of Existentialism.

 

ULYSSES

Funny, it doesn't look anything like him.

Polyphemus tries to take another sip of wine, but is so drunk he pours half of it down his chest.

ULYSSES

Hey, Poly, you'd better lie down.  I think you've had enough.

 

POLYPHEMUS

I'm as sober as you are, Mr. Nobody.

 

ULYSSES

Oh yeah?  Let's see you walk a straight line with one
eye closed!

 

POLYPHEMUS

You're on!

Polyphemus closes his one eyes and walks straight into the wall of his cave, knocking himself cold. 

ULYSSES

Okay, men!  Let's get that stick ready and drive it home! 

The crew take Polyphemus' staff and sharpen one end of it.  Then they heat the sharpened end over a fire.  Finally, they take it and plunge the sharp end into Polyphemus' eyes.  Polyphemus yelps, and stomps around in pain.

POLYPHEMUS

Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!  Boy, that stings!

 

INT.  THE CAVE OF GEORGE AND MARTHA CYCLOPS  -  NIGHT

We switch to another cave, this one belonging to GEORGE and MARTHA CYCLOPS.  George sits in his rocking chair, reading the newspaper.  Martha knits.  The cries of Polyphemus Cyclops can be heard in the distance.

MARTHA CYCLOPS

Oh dear, I think I hear Polyphemus screaming.

 

GEORGE CYCLOPS

He must be drunk again.  I swear I don't know where
he gets that wine.

 

MARTHA

George, would you go see if he's all right?

 

GEORGE

All right, but I'm sure it's just booze. 

George reluctantly gets out of his rocking chair.

EXT.  THE ENTRANCE TO POLYPHEMUS' CAVE  -  NIGHT

George Cyclops comes up to the entrance to Polyphemus' cave and raps on the boulder which is blocking the entrance.  The Cyclops' cries of pain can be heard from inside.

GEORGE

Poly!  Poly, are you all right in there?  Poly?  Is
something wrong in there?

 

POLYPHEMUS

                (from inside the cave)
Nobody is killing me!

 

GEORGE CYCLOPS

That's nice.  Now what seems to be the trouble?

 

POLYPHEMUS

                (from inside the cave)

Nobody put my eye out!

 

GEORGE CYCLOPS

That's good news, Poly.  It isn't very nice to have
your eye put out.  You should be glad nobody's
done it.

 

POLYPHEMUS

                (from inside the cave)

You don't understand!!!

 

GEORGE CYCLOPS

Poly, do you want someone to put your eye out? 
I really don't think you'd like that.  I think it would
hurt.  Of course, I'm not speaking from experience,
but I should imagine it's quite painful.

 

POLYPHEMUS

                (from inside the cave)

Nobody put my eye out!

 

GEORGE CYCLOPS

Poly, have you been drinking?

 

POLYPHEMUS

                (from inside the cave)

Yes!  Nobody gave me some wine!

 

GEORGE CYCLOPS

Why don't you just lie down and get some rest. 
I'm sure you'll feel much better in the morning. 

As Polyphemus continues to cry out in pain, George Cyclops sadly shakes his head and goes back to his own cave.

INT.  POLYPHEMUS' CAVE  -  NIGHT

The blinded Cyclops rages at Ulysses.

POLYPHEMUS

I'll get you for this, Nobody.  You'll never leave this
cave alive!  You hear me?  You will never leave the
cave alive!  You're a dead man!

 

ULYSSES

Does that mean I can leave the cave?

Polyphemus lunges at the sound of Ulysses' voice, but Ulysses dodges around him, and the Cyclops bangs his head on the wall of the cave.  Ulysses creeps over to his crew and whispers to them.

ULYSSES

Men, when the Cyclops lets his sheep out to graze,
we'll crawl out with them!

 

PSORIASIS

A brilliant idea!

 

PSYCHOSIS

Yeah.  We'll really pull the wool over his eye!

The crew crawl in among the sheep. 

EXT.  THE ENTRANCE TO POLYPHEMUS' CAVE  -  DAY

Ulysses and his men crawl out of the cave among the sheep.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    And so, they took it on the lamb.

EXT.  THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP  -  DAY

Ulysses and his crew sail away from Cyclops Island.

ULYSSES

Hey, you guys, now that we got away, listen
to me tell that big bum off. 

Ulysses shouts back to the shore.

ULYSSES

Hey, Polyphemus, your mother wears army boots!

EXT.  THE SHORE OF CYCLOPS ISLAND  -  DAY

Polyphemus stands on the shore, listening.  He shouts in the direction of Ulysses' voice.

POLYPHEMUS

I'll have you know my father is Poseidon, the God
of the Seas!

EXT.  THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP  -  DAY

ULYSSES

Okay then.  Your mother wears navy boots.

EXT.  THE SHORE OF CYCLOPS ISLAND  -  DAY

POLYPHEMUS

My father is Poseidon, and he will punish you for this,
Nobody!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                                        (off-screen)
                                    My name's Ulysses!

POLYPHEMUS

You will never reach your home, Ulysses!

                                                            ULYSSES
                                                        (off-screen)
                                    Oh yeah?  How are you going to stop me?

Polyphemus picks up a large boulder and hurls it at the sound of Ulysses' voice.

EXT.  THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP  -  DAY

The boulder just misses the ship.  Everyone on the deck is soaked by the splash.

ULYSSES

Touchy, isn't he?

                                                            HOMER
                                                    (V.O.)
                                    Next they landed on the island of Aeolus, the
                                    God of the Winds.

EXT.  THE SHORE OF AEOLUS' ISLAND  -  DAY

Ulysses and his crew come ashore on the island of AEOLUS, the God of the Winds.  Aeolus, who acts like a British upper-class twit, comes to greet them.

AEOLUS

Well, if it isn't Ulysses!  What a surprise.  How are you?

 

ULYSSES

Lucky to be alive!  We just escaped from a horrible
man-eating giant with one eye named Polyphemus.

 

AEOLUS

You don't say.  What was the name of his other eye? 

Ulysses slaps Psychosis with a rubber chicken.

PSYCHOSIS

Ow!  What did you hit me for?

 

ULYSSES

I can't hit Aeolus!  He's a god!

 

AEOLUS

Ulysses, I bid you and your men welcome.  I only
regret that I was unable to prepare a more fitting
reception for you, but I wasn't expecting a huge
boatload of crude, unwashed, troglodytes.

 

ULYSSES

But you're a god, living in a tropical paradise!  Aren't
you used to people dropping in?

 

AEOLUS

No.  I'm afraid I'm entirely unused to swarms of filthy
sailors dropping in with no advance notice whatsoever. 
My fault, I suppose.  If I knew more people who were
inconsiderate lowlife boors, then I might be more
accustomed to such things.

 

ULYSSES

Well, here we are, and what can you do.

 

AEOLUS

I can't kill you, I suppose.  That would be against the rules
of hospitality.

 

ULYSSES

Yes, and according to those rules of hospitality, you're
supposed to give us presents.

 

AEOLUS

Oh yes.  Lucky, lucky me.

 

ULYSSES

I'm really surprised you don't get more visitors.

 

AEOLUS

Yes, I can't think why I don't, unless it's because of the great
horrible tearing winds I send out to destroy all boats that
come anywhere near this island.  The boats sink, and
everyone drowns.

 

ULYSSES

Funny.  We didn't see any winds like that.

 

AEOLUS

Because I didn't expect you!  I told you I didn't know you
were coming!

 

ULYSSES

I'm sorry.

 

AEOLUS

Well, as long as you're here, I might as well introduce you to
my children.  Come along.

 

ULYSSES

All right.  You men stay here and guard the ship! 

Ulysses goes off with Aeolus, leaving the crew behind.

EXT.  THE ISLAND OF AEOLUS  -  DAY

Ulysses and Aeolus walk toward Aeolus' palace.

ULYSSES

It must get awfully lonely for your children out here with no
visitors.

 

AEOLUS

That's not a problem.  Fortunately, I have six sons and six
daughters, so I married them to each other.

 

ULYSSES

But isn't that incest?

 

AEOLUS

No.

 

ULYSSES

No?

 

AEOLUS

No.  Incest are little bugs.  Come inside and I'll introduce you.

INT.  AEOLUS' PALACE  -  DAY

Ulysses and Aeolus enter Aeolus' palace, where they are greeted by Aeolus' twelve Children:  THESEUS and HIPPOLYTA, LYSANDER and HERMIA, DEMETRIUS and HELENA, OBERON and TITANIA, TROILUS and CRESSIDA, and IRVING and SHELIA.

AEOLUS

Ulysses, I'd like you to meet my children, Theseus and Hippoltya;
Lysander and Hermia; Demetrius and Helena; Oberon and Titania;
Troilus and Crescida, and Irving and Shelia. 

Sheila is a big husky man who is dressed as a woman.  He has a mustache and a deep bass voice. 

SHELIA

Hello.

 

ULYSSES

Wait a minute!  Sheila's a man.

 

SHELIA

No I'm not.

 

AEOLUS

No she isn't. 

 

ULYSSES

Yes she is!

 

SHELIA

I'm not.

 

ULYSSES

You've got a mustache!

 

AEOLUS

I never said she was pretty.  Do you have any family,
Ulysses?

 

ULYSSES

Yes, I've got a wife named Penelope, a son named Telemachus,
and a dog named Argos.  He doesn't have a nose, and he
smells terrible, but that dog is just like a member of the family!

 

AEOLUS

Really?  Which member of the family is he just like? 

Ulysses hits himself on the head with the rubber chicken. 

EXT.  THE ISLAND OF AEOLUS  -  DAY

Ulysses and Aeolus leave Aeolus' palace and walk back toward the shore.

AEOLUS

Now that you've met the children, you'd better be
going.  I'd like to say how very much I've enjoyed
your visit, but I'm not good at lying.

 

ULYSSES

There is the matter of the gift...

 

AEOLUS

Oh, all right.  I'll tell you what...  If you give me your word
that you'll never come back here again, I'll give you a sack
full of wind.

 

ULYSSES

Wind?

 

AEOLUS

What did you expect?  I am the god of the winds, you know. 
It's not as if I were the god of gold or diamonds.  No, I get to
be god of air moving around.  One step above being the god
of phlegm.  Still, it's not such a bad gift, all in all.

 

ULYSSES

It isn't?

 

AEOLUS

You want to get home to Ithaca, don't you?  I'll give you a
sack containing all the winds which might keep you from
getting home.

 

ULYSSES

Aeolus, you've got yourself a deal!

 

AEOLUS

I must warn you, under no circumstances should you
open the sack before you are safely home in Ithaca. 
If you do, you will find yourself in the midst of a typhoon.

 

ULYSSES

Don't worry about that.  I'll see that the sack isn't
opened.  You can count on it! 

EXT.  THE SHIP AT SEA  -  DAY

Ulysses and his crew are sailing home.  They have almost reached Ithaca.  A huge sack covers much of the deck.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    And so they sailed for home.  Everything was going
                                    smoothly, and they were almost within sight of Ithaca,
                                    when... 

Ulysses speaks to his crew.  He is very, very tired. 

ULYSSES

Men, I know you've been wondering what's in this
sack that Aeolus gave me.  It contains all the winds
which might have kept us from reaching Ithaca safely. 
Therefore, it is extremely important that we keep
the sack shut.

 

MEMBERS OF THE CREW

Yes, noble Ulysses!  ...  We understand!  ...  We
will keep the sack shut!

 

ULYSSES

I know there are rumors going around that I've got
treasures hidden in the sack which I don't want to 
share with you.  Nothing could be further from the  
truth! 
The only thing in this sack is wind!

 

MEMBERS OF THE CREW

We believe you, honest Ulysses!  ...  We would not 
doubt the word of our captain!

 

ULYSSES

Good!  Because I've been guarding this sack for nine
straight days and nights, and I'm beginning to get a
little sleepy.  But if I fall asleep, and you clowns open
the sack, then we'll be in a terrible mess.

 

MEMBERS OF THE CREW

We will not touch it, mighty Ulysses!  ...  We will not 
touch the sack!

 

ULYSSES

Because if you open it, there will be typhoons and
hurricanes, and all kinds of terrible winds!

 

MEMBERS OF THE CREW

We would never open the sack, magnificent Ulysses!  ... 
You may sleep soundly knowing we will obey your
every command!

 

ULYSSES

It's nice to hear you say that, but I can't help feeling the
minute my back is turned, some idiot is going to open
the sack!

 

MEMBERS OF THE CREW

Never!  ...  You shame us!  ...  We would not think of it!

 

ULYSSES

Because there's no treasure in the sack!  No gold!  No  
silver! 
No jewelry!

 

MEMBERS OF THE CREW

We believe you, great Ulysses!  ...  We believe you!

 

ULYSSES

All right.  I'm so tired, I have to trust you, but I bet I'm
making the biggest mistake of my life.

 

MEMBERS OF THE CREW

Do not think such ill of us!  ...  We would kill any man who
would dare to go near the sack!

 

ULYSSES

But I know you're going to do it!!!

 

MEMBERS OF THE CREW

Trust us, brave Ulysses!  ...  We would not touch the sack
if it contained all the gold in Greece!

 

ULYSSES

Okay.  Okay.  I'm going to sleep. 

Ulysses starts to go into the interior of the ship, but he quickly turns around to stare at the crew.  They haven't moved.  He disappears into the ship, but an instant later he sticks his head back out.  The crew hasn't moved.  He tries this trick again, but the crew still hasn't moved.  Ulysses sighs, shakes his head, and goes into the ship.  The crew waits for a beat, then all of them jump on the sack, ripping it open.  The winds pour out!

EXT.  THE SHIP AT SEA (MINIATURE)  -  DAY

As the winds pour out of the sack, the ship takes off into the air and zooms back and forth and up and down like a balloon when the air is released.  Eventually, the ship falls back into the sea.

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE SHIP  -  DAY

The men are scattered all over the deck.  Ulysses staggers out.

ULYSSES

Thanks, men.  I knew I could count on you.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O)
                                    So once again, they sailed through unknown
                                    waters.  Finally they landed upon the island of
                                    Circe the Sorceress.

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE SHIP, OFF THE SHORE OF CIRCE'S ISLAND  -  DAY

The ship is anchored off the shore of Circe's island.  Ulysses addresses his crew.

ULYSSES

Okay men, we've come to another island.  That
means it's time to get more presents!  I'm going 
ashore alone.  I'm not giving you guys a chance
to screw everything up.  This time, I'm going to
do it all myself! 

Suddenly a bedraggled STRANGER runs from the interior of the island down to the shore and shouts to the men on the ship.

STRANGER

Go back!  Go back if you value your lives!  There is
danger here!  Go back!  Auuuugh!

The Stranger screams a pitiful cry and drops dead.  Ulysses resumes speaking to his crew.

ULYSSES

As I was saying, I want you men to go ashore and
scout around, while I stay here and guard the ship. 
If you meet any gods who are handing out presents,
report back to me at once.  I'm still in charge of
present-receiving.  So goodbye, good luck, and
good riddance!

The crew reluctantly leaves the ship and heads into the island.  Ulysses waves goodbye to them.

ULYSSES

Have a nice time!  Try not to get eaten. 

Ulysses sits back on a deck chair as the men disappear into the interior of the island. 

EXT.  CIRCE'S PALACE  -  DAY

The men approach a grand palace.  CIRCE, an extremely sexy sorceress, steps out of the palace to great them.

CIRCE

Well, look who's here!  It's men!  Big, strong, handsome
men!

All the crew members look behind to see who she could be speaking to.

CIRCE

Hello, men!

 

CIRRHOSIS

What's that?

 

PSYCHOSIS

I don't know!

 

PSORIASIS

I remember!  That's a woman!

 

CIRCE

Oh you poor men!  You must have been at sea an
awfully long time.  My name is Circe.  I hope you
can stay and visit with me.

 

PSYCHOSIS

Oh yeah!  We can do that!

 

CIRRHOSIS

I can't think of anyone we'd rather visit!

 

PSORIASIS

What about Ulysses?

 

CIRRHOSIS

No, I'd rather visit her.

 

PSORIASIS

I mean what are we going to do about Ulysses?

 

CIRCE

Do any of you men want to come into my house
and visit with me?  I haven't had any men to visit
with me for such a long time.  Please come in!

 

PSORIASIS

What about Ulysses?

 

PSYCHOSIS

Who's Ulysses?

 

CIRCE

I'll see you men inside. 

Circe glides sensuously into her palace.  All the crew members rush in after them, except Psoriasis follows reluctantly.

INT.  CIRCE'S LIVING ROOM  -  DAY

The crew rushes in after Circe, until they see something which causes them to stop dead in their tracks.  They see that the house is filled with wild animals, including a full grown lion that CIRCE is petting.

CIRCE

I want you men to say hello to all my friends!

 

PSORIASIS

Lady, that's a full grown lion!

 

CIRCE

Oh, he's just a big old pussy cat!  And I love to
play with him.  And he just loves to kiss me! 
Don't you love to kiss me?  Kiss me!

She snuggles with the lion.  She kisses the lion, and the lion nuzzles her.

                                                            PSORIASIS
                                                        (frightened)
                                    W-w-w-w wow.  W-w-w-w-would you do that?

Circe continues to cuddle with the lion, who licks her face. 

CIRCE

Kiss me.  That's right.  Kiss me.

 

PSYCHOSIS

Sure I would.  Just get that lion out of there!

 

PSORIASIS

I'm going to get Ulysses. 

While Circe's attention is on the lion, Psoriasis sneaks out of the room, but he lingers just outside the door to watch what happens next.  Circe turns her attention back to Ulysses' crew. 

CIRCE

Why don't all you handsome men have a drink
with me? 

Circe leads the mean to a table that has enough goblets for all the men to drink from.  Circe and each man takes a goblet and raises it in a toast.

CIRCE

Here's to you . . . men! 

Circe starts to raise her goblet but doesn't drink.  All the men drink, and are miraculously transformed into pigs!

CIRCE

Oh, what cute little piggies! 

Watching from just outside the door, Psoriasis is horrified!

EXT.  OUTSIDE CIRCE'S PALACE  -  DAY

In a panic, Psoriasis runs from the palace.

EXT.  THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP  -  DAY

Ulysses is still relaxing in a deck chair.  Psoriasis runs in from the island!

ULYSSES

Hey, Psoriasis, find any present-givers?

 

PSORIASIS

There's a woman... a beautiful woman.. she invited us
into her house, and everyone else drank wine with her,
and then the crew became swine!

 

ULYSSES

I'm not surprised!

 

PSORIASIS

Ulysses, they are truly pigs!

 

ULYSSES

I'll say!

 

PSORIASIS

Animals!

 

ULYSSES

And that's giving them the best of it!

 

PSORIASIS

This woman is a sorceress who transformed your
men into pigs! 

Ulysses sits up.

ULYSSES

Wait a minute.  Do you mean oink-oink pigs?

 

PSORIASIS

Yes!  Oink-oink pigs!  What are you going to do?

 

ULYSSES

I don't know, but I hope she's Jewish.  Do you think it
would be safe for me to go and talk to her?

 

PSORIASIS

These men need your help!  But you must be careful! 
Circe is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,
and she may try to tempt you with her body.

 

ULYSSES

You're absolutely right, Psoriasis.  It's my duty to
confront that woman! 

Ulysses gets out of the deck chair.

EXT.  MOUNT OLYMPUS  -   DAY

 ZEUS and HERMES, two Greek gods, and ATHENA, a Greek goddess, are up on Mount Olympus watching Ulysses on a device which looks something like a television set.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    Meanwhile, up on Mount Olympus, the gods were
                                    watching. 

HERMES

Why do we always have to watch Ulysses?  Isn't
there a war on?

 

ZEUS

Shut up.  I'm Zeus, and I decide what we watch! 
I want to watch Ulysses!

 

ATHENA

Oh Father, we must do something or Ulysses will be
turned into a pig!

 

ZEUS

So?  You got something against pigs?

 

ATHENA

That would be such a sad ending to the story!

 

ZEUS

I like sad endings!  Remember that one I pulled on Oedipus? 
That was great!  Then I got his daughter too!

 

ATHENA

Couldn't we have a happy ending just this once?  Please?

 

ZEUS

Oh, all right!  Hermes, you go down and give Ulysses
something that'll protect him from Circe.  But Athena,
you know this is going to make Poseidon sore as hell. 
He hates Ulysses for blinding his son the Cyclops. 

Athena hugs Zeus in gratitude.

                                                            ATHENA
                                    Thank you, Father!

                                                            ZEUS
                                                        (brushing her off)
                                    Yeah, yeah. 

Hermes goes to save Ulysses.

EXT.  CIRCE'S ISLAND, THE PATH TO CIRCE'S PALACE  -  DAY

Hermes appears on the island, on the path to Circe's palace.  He looks around, and then snaps his fingers.  Instantly, he magically causes a saloon to appear.  There is a big neon sign in front which reads:  HERME'S SALOON.  A moment later, Ulysses comes up the path.  Hermes invites him to come into the saloon.

HERMES

Hey, buddy, come on inside. 

Hermes enters the saloon, and Ulysses follows him in.

INT.  HERME'S SALOON  -  DAY

Hermes steps behind the bar.  Ulysses sits on a barstool.

HERMES

Listen, buddy, if you're going to see Circe...

 

ULYSSES

Who?

 

HERMES

Circe!  The beautiful sorceress!  If you're going to see
her, you'd better be careful.  She could turn you
into an animal!

 

ULYSSES

So?

 

HERMES

So?  What do you mean so?  Aren't you amazed that you
could turn into an animal?

 

ULYSSES

What's so amazing about that?  I was just walking down the
path, and I turned into a saloon!

 

HERMES

You got a rubber chicken on you?

Ulysses hands Hermes a rubber chicken.

ULYSSES

Here.

 

HERMES

Thanks.

Hermes hits Ulysses on the head with the rubber chicken.  At that moment, a talking KANGAROO hops into the saloon and up to the bar.

KANGAROO

Hey, barkeeper!  Get me a beer!

                                                            HERMES
                                                        (confidentially to Ulysses)
                                    What do you know!  A talking kangaroo. 
                                   
Say, I'll bet a kangaroo doesn't know much
                                    about the price of drinks.  I think I'll overcharge
                                    her.

Hermes pours a glass of beer and hands it to the Kangaroo. 

HERMES

That will be twenty drachmas.

The kangaroo reaches into her pouch, gets some money, and pays Hermes.  Then she drinks her beer.

HERMES

You know, we don't get many talking kangaroos
in here.

 

KANGAROO

At these prices, I'm not surprised! 

The Kangaroo hops out of the bar.

                                                             ULYSSES
                                    Can I have my rubber chicken back? 

Hermes returns the rubber chicken to Ulysses, who hits Hermes on the head with it.

HERMES

As I was saying, you'll need something to protect
you from Circe, something I've got right here:  a
magic herb the gods call moly.

 

ULYSSES

Holy Moly!

 

HERMES

Right!  You eat the moly before you drink whatever
Circe gives you, and you'll be fine.

                                                            ULYSSES
                                                        (taking the moly)
                                    Thanks.  What do I owe you for this? 

HERMES

Forget about it!  The gods have crocks and
crocks of this stuff!

 

ULYSSES

Oh, a crock o' moly!

 

HERMES

Right.  Oh, one more thing – Circe may try to seduce you.

 

ULYSSES

Just let her try!

 

HERMES

You won't give in?

 

ULYSSES

I didn't say that.  I just said, let her try.

 

HERMES

When she sees that her magic hasn't affected you,
she'll want to make you her love slave.  First make
her promise to turn your crew back into men, and
not to harm you.  Then you'll be fine.

 

ULYSSES

Thanks.

Ulysses exits.

EXT.  CIRCE'S ISLAND, THE PATH TO CIRCE'S PALACE  -  DAY

Ulysses walks away from the saloon.  Then he turns back, and finds the saloon has vanished without a trace.  Ulysses shrugs, and continues along the path.

INT.  CIRCE'S LIVING ROOM  -  DAY

Ulysses bursts into Circe's palace and confronts her.

ULYSSES

Circe, what's this I hear about you turning
my men into pigs?  Don't you know there
are laws against redundancy?

 

CIRCE

It's a man!!!

 

ULYSSES

You noticed that, did you?

 

CIRCE

A big strong man!

 

ULYSSES

Never mind big, strong me, what about all my
little, weak crew?

 

CIRCE

But I don't have any of your men.  Poor little Circe
doesn't have any men at all!  Won't you be my
big strong man?

 

ULYSSES

That depends.  What will you be?

 

CIRCE

Why don't I fix you a drink.

 

ULYSSES

All right, but that isn't going to change anything.

 

CIRCE

That's what you think!

Circe goes to prepare Ulysses a drink of her magic potion.  While she's getting it ready, Ulysses eats the moly which Hermes gave to him.  Circe gives Ulysses a goblet with the potion.  He drinks it and nothing happens.  She is astounded. 

CIRCE

You're... you're not a pig!

 

ULYSSES

That's the first time a woman's ever said that
to me!

 

CIRCE

Only one man could possibly withstand the
power of my magic.  You must be Ulysses! 
And I must have you for my love slave!

 

ULYSSES

Not unless you restore my crew and promise
not to harm me!

 

CIRCE

Oh, all right.  If you promise to be my love slave for
one year, I'll turn your men back, and I won't hurt
you or any of your men!

 

ULYSSES

Love slave, eh?  You've got a deal!

 

CIRCE

Wonderful.  Okay, slave, first I'd love for you to
take out the garbage, then I'd love for you to
clean up the kitchen...

 

ULYSSES

Wait a minute.  Don't you want to take me to your
bed?

 

CIRCE

I'd love for you to make the bed after you clean up
the kitchen.

 

ULYSSES

But I thought you'd want me to make love to you! 
 

CIRCE

I'll have you know I have standards!
 

ULYSSES

That's okay.  I have penicillin.

 

CIRCE

I mean I have standards.  Any man I take as a lover
will need a lot of money

 

ULYSSES

I need a lot of money.  Besides, Circe is  
supposed to go to bed with Ulysses! 
Everyone knows that!

 

CIRCE

Not in the comedy version!  There's nothing funny
about making love to a beautiful woman.

 

ULYSSES

There is the way I do it!!!

 

CIRCE

Sorry.  I don't think adultery is funny.  Go take out the
garbage.

EXT.  OUTSIDE CIRCE'S PALACE  -  DAY

A year passes.  Ulysses and his crew are mow the lawn, clip the hedges, and wash the windows, and empty the lion's enormous kitty litter box. 

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    Finally, a year passed, and Ulysses and his crew were
                                    allowed to leave.

EXT.  A PATH NEAR CIRCE'S PALACE  -  DAY

Ulysses and Circe and Circe's pet lion are walking along a path, talking privately.

ULYSSES

One thing before we go.  I was hoping you might
give me some directions back to Ithaca.  We're
lost and don't know where to go.

 

CIRCE

Go to Hades.

 

ULYSSES

There's no need to be rude.

 

CIRCE

I'm serious.  Go to Hades and ask the spirit of Tiresias
the prophet what you should do.  He'll tell you how to
get home.

 

ULYSSES

Oh no! 

 

CIRCE

You don't want to go to Hades?

 

ULYSSES

I wouldn't be caught dead in that place!

 

CIRCE

It's the only way you'll ever get home.

 

ULYSSES

I suppose I could always just stay here. 
After all, you promised not to harm me.

 

CIRCE

I promised.  But Leon didn't promise.  Did
you Leon? 

Circe turns to the lion who roars at Ulysses.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    And so they all sailed to Hades.

EXT.  ULYSSES' SHIP AT SEA  -  DAY 

Ulysses' ship sails into a huge fog bank, and the film fades to black and white, and remains in black and white throughout the entire Hades sequence. 

ULYSSES

We must be nearing Hades.

 

PSORIASIS

How can you tell?

 

ULYSSES

The film just switched to black and white. 

EXT.  THE SHORE OF HADES  -  DAY 

Ulysses' ship anchors at the shore of Hades.  There is a large sign on the beach saying "WELCOME TO HADES."  Several DEAL SOULS, looking like zombies, wander along the beach.  ULYSSES turns to Psoriasis.

ULYSSES

Psoriasis, have the men mix up some milk,
honey, grain and goat's blood.  That's what Circe
said we have to feed the dead to get them to
talk to us.

 

PSORIASIS

It's being prepared.

 

ULYSSES

Good. 

EXT.  A FOOD TROUGH IN HADES  -  DAY

Several members of the crew prepare the food for the dead and pour it into a large trough.  The DEAD run up to the trough and begin to eat.

A DEAD MAN

Needs salt. 

EXT.  A CENTRAL AREA OF HADES  -  DAY

Ulysses wanders through Hades, searching for Tiresias.  Suddenly, he hears the voice of his MOTHER.

MOTHER

Ulysses!

 

ULYSSES

Mom!  What are you going here? 

Ulysses' Mother is a dead spirit. 

MOTHER

What should I be doing in Hades?  You think
maybe I came here for my health?

 

ULYSSES

You mean you're dead?

 

MOTHER

You always were a bright boy.

 

ULYSSES

But I didn't know you died!

 

MOTHER

Why should you know?  Since when did you take
an interest?

 

ULYSSES

Oh Mom!

 

MOTHER

Six years I've been dead.  You don't visit, you don't  
call. 
You never even sent a postcard.  What took
you so long to come and see me?

 

ULYSSES

How'd you die, Mom?

 

MOTHER

How could I live without my little Ulysses?  After you
went off to war, I died of a mother's loneliness.

 

ULYSSES

Oh Mom!

 

MOTHER

That and a touch of smallpox.

 

ULYSSES

I'm sorry.

 

MOTHER

Sure.  Now you're sorry.  I'm dead, so now you're
sorry.  Isn't that just like a son.

 

ULYSSES

I feel terrible.

 

MOTHER

You should.  But I forgive you.  At least you finally came
to visit.  Can you sat for dinner?  We're having grain
and goat's blood. 

A huge boulder rolls past Ulysses and his mother.  The dead spirit of Sisyphus chases after it.

ULYSSES

Thanks, Mom, but I already ate.

 

MOTHER

You don't eat enough.

 

ULYSSES

I eat fine.

 

MOTHER

A little grain and goat's blood would do wonders for you.

 

ULYSSES

Actually, Mom, I was hoping to talk with Tiresias.

 

MOTHER

Ah!  Tiresias!  I should have known!  Of course you
wouldn't come to see me!  I'm only your mother! 
You came to talk to Tiresias, a perfect stranger.

 

ULYSSES

Oh, Mom. 

Ulysses' Mother marches away.  Sisyphus pushes the giant boulder back in the direction it rolled from a few moments ago.  TIRESIAS, the dead prophet, walks up to Ulysses.

TIRESIAS

My name is Tiresias.  I believe you are looking for me.

 

ULYSSES

That's right.  I'm...

                                                            TIRESIAS
                                                        (interrupting)
                                    All is known to me!  You are poor, wretched Ulysses,
                                    most unfortunate of men!  Unhappy was the day you
                                    blinded Polyphemus the Cyclops, for that day you
                                    incurred the wrath of his father, Poseidon the Earth-shaker! 
                                   
He will heap such sorrows on your head that you will
                                    curse the day the gods gave you life! 

ULYSSES

Who writes your dialogue?  Sophocles?

 

TIRESIAS

When you leave Hades, Poseidon will see that your ship sails
past the island of the Sirens.  The Sirens sing songs that drive
sailors insane!

 

ULYSSES

Seriously?

 

TIRESIAS

Certainly!  You and your men must fill your ears with wax so
that you cannot hear the Siren's song.  Otherwise, you will surely
sail into the surging surf and sink.

 

ULYSSES

That sounds like quite a song.

 

TIRESIAS

If you wish to hear it, have your men bind you to the mast. 
Tell them not to release you until you are far from the
Siren's Island.

 

ULYSSES

Right.

 

TIRESIAS

Then you will sail past the six headed monster Scylla, who
will devour six of your crew.  After that, you will reach the
Island of Helios, the Sun God.  If you and your men do not
eat any of his cattle, you will reach Ithaca safely.  But if the
cattle are harmed, your ship will sink, and all your crew
will drown!

 

ULYSSES

Hey, you're giving away the whole plot!

 

TIRESIAS

Eventually, You will arrive home in Ithaca, where you will
be forced to fight the suitors of your wife Penelope.  But
happiness will still elude you until you find a land where
the people have never heard of Poseidon, Lord of the Seas. 
There you must set up a shrine to Poseidon, to earn his
forgiveness.

The huge boulder rolls by again, with Sisyphus chasing it. 

ULYSSES

Say, who is that guy?

 

TIRESIAS

That is Sisyphus.  He is condemned for all eternity to
push that boulder to the top of that hill.  Every time
he comes close to reaching the summit, the boulder
slips away from him and rolls back down to the bottom.

 

ULYSSES

What happens if he ever gets the rock to the top?

 

TIRESIAS

Then his torture will be over.

 

ULYSSES

Tiresias, Sisyphus is going to get that rock up there! 
I'll see to it personally! 

EXT.  THE BOTTOM OF SISYPHUS' HILL  -  DAY

Ulysses' crew is helping Sisyphus push the boulder to the top of the hill.  Ulysses is sitting in a chair at the bottom, shouting encouragement to his crew.

ULYSSES

That's right, men!  Keep pushing!  You're almost there! 
That's right!  That's right!  That's right!  That's right! 
No!  That's wrong!  That's wrong!  Wrong!  Wrong! 
Wrong!

The boulder comes crashing down the hill and lands on Ulysses, crushing him flat.  His voice comes weakly from under the huge boulder:

ULYSSES

Wrong.

DISSOLVE TO: 

EXT.  SISYPHUS'S HILL, NEAR THE SUMMIT  -  DAY

Ulysses and Sisyphus are pushing the boulder up the hill.  They've almost reached the summit.

ULYSSES

I never should have trusted my crew.  If you want
something done right, you've got to do it yourself! 
Right, Sisyphus?

 

SISYPHUS stares at Ulysses, but says nothing.  As they get almost to the top, the boulder suddenly can't be budged.

ULYSSES

We're just a few feet from the top.  Does the rock
always get stuck here?

Sisyphus nods. 

ULYSSES

Then we'll just have to push harder!  Push! 

They push harder, but the rock won't move.  Something has to give, however, so Ulysses' and Sisyphus' feet begin to slide back down until Ulysses and Sisyphus are almost lying down, with the boulder towering over them.  They've lost all their leverage.

ULYSSES

Oops!

The boulder rolls over Ulysses and Sisyphus, crushing them into the hill.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.  SISYPHUS'S HILL, NEAR THE SUMMIT  -  DAY

Once again, Ulysses and Sisyphus are pushing the boulder up the hill, and once again they've almost reached the summit.  They reach the spot where the boulder gets stuck.

ULYSSES

Okay, you hold the rock here!  I've got an idea!

Ulysses runs back down the hill.  Sisyphus sweats.  A moment later, Ulysses runs back with a can of oil, which he pours onto the ground at the top of the hill, in front of the boulder.

ULYSSES

This oil will make the hill slippery, so we can move
the rock!

Sure enough, it works.  The push on the boulder, and it moves!

ULYSSES

What did I tell you? 

However, as Ulysses and Sisyphus go up the hill, they step into the pool of oil.  Their feet slide out from under them, they fall, and the boulder rolls over them, smashing them into the oily hill.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.  SISYPHUS'S HILL, NEAR THE SUMMIT  -  DAY

Ulysses has built a lever on the hill at the point where the rock sticks.  The boulder lies on the end of the lever nearest the top of the hill.  There's a rock on the hill, under the middle of the lever, forming the fulcrum.  Sisyphus and Ulysses holds the boulder in place, while Ulysses pushes down on the other end of the lever.

ULYSSES

Don't worry, Sisyphus, this is a foolproof idea! 

Sisyphus gives Ulysses a doubtful look.

ULYSSES

If we both push down on this end of the lever,
the other end will rise and push the boulder to
the top of the hill!

Sisyphus joins Ulysses, and they both push down on their end of the lever, but the boulder won't move.  They climb onto their end of the lever, and jump up and down.  Finally the other end goes up, put instead of pushing the boulder up the hill, the lever lifts the boulder up like a rider on a teeter-totter.  The boulder rolls down the length of the lever and on down the hill, crushing Ulysses and Sisyphus.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.  THE BOTTOM OF SISYPHUS'S HILL  -  DAY

Ulysses and Psoriasis bid goodbye to Sisyphus at the foot of the hill.  Sisyphus is ready to start pushing the rock again, and Ulysses and Psoriasis are ready to leave Hades.

ULYSSES

Sorry I can's stay and help you anymore, Sisyphus,
but my wife is expecting me, and I'm several years
late already.  So good luck, and you just keep on
pushing, okay? 

Sisyphus gives Ulysses a look, and starts pushing the rock up the hill.

ULYSSES

Quick, Psoriasis, lets' get out of here, before...

 

PSORIASIS

Before what? 

The boulder tumbles down the hill, crushing Ulysses under it.

ULYSSES

Before this. 

EXT.  THE HELM OF ULYSSES' SHIP  -  DAY

The ship has sailed away from Hades, so the film has gone from back and white back to color.  Ulysses and Psoriasis stand at the helm.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    And so, they sailed away from Hades.  But they
                                    still had to face the Sirens! 

ULYSSES

We're almost there!  Psoriasis, I want you and all
the men to plug your ears with wax!  Keep your
ears plugged while we sail past the Sirens, or their
song will drive you mad!  When you've plugged
your ears, tie me to the mast!  I alone will hear
the Sirens singing!

 

PSORIASIS

But Ulysses, we don't have any wax!

 

ULYSSES

Then plug up your ears with whatever you can find! 
Hurry! 

EXT.  THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP  -  DAY

Ulysses leaves the helm to inspect the crew.  He finds that all the men have bananas in their ears.

ULYSSES

Men, you've got bananas in your ears! 

The entire crew answers in unison.

CREW

What?

 

ULYSSES

I said, you've got bananas in your ears!

 

CREW

What?

 

ULYSSES

You've got bananas in your ears!!!

 

CREW

We're sorry, we can't hear you!  We've got
bananas in our ears.

 

PSYCHOSIS

I think we better tie him to the mast, before he
beats us all with that rubber chicken. 

Psychosis, Psoriasis and Cirrhosis tie Ulysses to the mast of the ship.

ULYSSES

Good.  We're approaching the Sirens' Island.  Soon
I will hear the song that drives men mad! 

The crew goes back to rowing the ship. 

EXT.  THE SIRENS' ISLAND  -_  DAY

The beautiful SIRENS stand on the shore of their island.  One SIREN spots the approaching ship.

SIREN

Sisters!  Come quickly!  A ship is coming. 
We must sing for the sailors.  We must sing
the song which drives men mad! 

The Sirens line up along the shore and begin to sing:

                                                            SIRENS
                                                        (singing)
                                    A hundred bottles of beer on the wall!
                                    A hundred bottles of beer!
                                    If one of those bottles should happen to fall -
                                    Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall!

                                    Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall!
                                    Ninety-nine bottles of beer!
                                    If one of those bottles should happen to fall -
                                    Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE SHIP  --  DAY

Ulysses is bound to the mast.  He is horrified as he realizes what he must listen to.

ULYSSES

No!  Not that song!  Not that song! 

EXT.  THE SIRENS' ISLAND  --  DAY

The Sirens continue to sing, enjoying themselves.  Some of them begin to dance as they sing.

                                                            SIRENS
                                                        (singing)
                                    Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall,
                                    Ninety-eight bottles of beer!
                                    If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
                                    Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall! 

Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall,

Ninety-seven bottles of beer!

If one of those bottles should happen to fall,

Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall! 

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE SHIP  --  DAY

Ulysses begins to go mad.  He tries to break loose from his bonds, but he cannot.

ULYSSES

No!  No!  I can't stand it!

Psychosis watching Ulysses writing.

PSYCHOSIS

Wow, that must be some song.  I wish I could hear it. 

The camera dollies in on Ulysses' eyes as he goes into shock.

ANIMATED SEQUENCE

The close-up of Ulysses becomes a cartoon of Ulysses.  As the Sirens continue to sing, their song is illustrated by a cartoon in the surreal style of the old Max and Dave Fleischer cartoons.  The pupils in Ulysses' eyes become bottles of beer.  They march out of Ulysses' head, and are followed by more bottles.  The bottles jump over the side of the ship and empty themselves out into the sea.  The sea is filled with sharks, whose fins are shaped like bottles of beer.  A mermaid pulls the fin off a shark and drinks the beer.  She throws the bottle away, and the bottle becomes a ship sailing on the ocean.  The ship has a smokestack which is shaped like a bottle of beer.  The smokestack belches out bottles of beer.  The gods of Mount Olympus grab the bottles of beer and throw them down on Ulysses, where the bottles break on his head.  The cartoon and the song continue for as long as the audience can be expected to stand it.  Then the singing speeds up until the words are indistinguishable, and the cartoon becomes a blur.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE SHIP  --  DAY

Ulysses is unconscious.  Psychosis, Cirrhosis and Psoriasis are untying him from the mast.  Ulysses begins to come to.

ULYSSES

Uh...  what happened.  Where am I?

 

PSORIASIS

We've sailed safely past the island of the Sirens.

 

PSYCHOSIS

We saw you writhing.  That must have been some song.

 

ULYSSES

It was.  I barely survived.

 

CIRRHOSIS

Here, you look like you could use this. 

CIRRHOSIS hands Ulysses a bottle.  Ulysses is horrified.

ULYSSES

What is that????

 

CIRRHOSIS

Wine.  It's all that's left.

 

ULYSSES

Are you sure it's wine?

 

CIRRHOSIS

Of course I'm sure.  You want me to taste it?

 

ULYSSES

Make sure it's wine! 

Cirrhosis takes a sip. 

CIRRHOSIS

It's wine all right!

Ulysses grabs the bottle and drinks deeply.  It is wine.  He relaxes.

ULYSSES

It is wine!  Thank the Gods!

 

CIRRHOSIS

What did you expect?  A bottle of beer? 

Ulysses flogs Cirrhosis savagely with a rubber chicken.

EXT.  THE SHIP AT SEA  --  EVENING

As the sun stets, the ship approaches the island where SCYLLA, the six-headed monster dwells.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    But their problems were not over.  They were nearing
                                    the rock where Scylla, the six-headed monster dwelt.

EXT.  THE DECK OF THE SHIP  --  NIGHT

Ulysses stands beside his crew, peering out into the fog and darkness.

ULYSSES

We've got to be extremely alert!  Somewhere out 
there is a gigantic, six-headed serpent named Scylla. 
Do you see anything, Psoriasis? 

The camera pans over to Psoriasis, who shakes his head no.

PSORIASIS

No.  Do you see anything, Cirrhosis? 

The camera pans over to Cirrhosis, who shakes his head no.

CIRRHOSIS

No.  Do you see anything Psychosis? 

The camera pans over to Psychosis, who shakes his head no.

                                                             PSYCHOSIS
                                    No.  Do you see anything Scylla?

The camera pans over to Scylla, a gigantic, six-headed serpent who shakes his six heads no.  Ulysses, Psoriasis, and Cirrhosis react in horror:

                                                            ULYSSES, PSORIASIS & CIRRHOSIS
                                                        (screaming)
                                    Scylla????  Ahhhhh! 

The entire screw runs around the ship in terror.  Ulysses counts as each of Scylla's heads grabs a man to eat.  (None of the sailors who are eaten is Psoriasis, Cirrhosis or Psychosis.)

ULYSSES

Tiresias said Scylla would only eat six men. 
One...  Two...  Three...  Four...  Five...  YIPE!!!

The last of Scylla's heads goes after Ulysses.  Suddenly a SAILOR up on the ship's mast calls to Scylla.

SAILOR ON THE MAST

Ho, Monster!  Leave Ulysses alone!  Try to eat me,
if you dare. 

The last head of Scylla turns away from Ulysses and grabs the sailor on the mast.  Then, having eaten six men, Scylla leaves the ship.  Psoriasis speaks to Ulysses.

PSORIASIS

That man up on the mast, he gave his life for you.

 

ULYSSES

Yes, and I never got to thank him.  Who was that
mast man, anyway? 

EXT.  THE SHIP AT SEA  --  DAY

This ship sails on to the Island of Helios, the Sun God. 

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    On they sailed, until the reached the Island of Helios,
                                    the Sun God.  Tiresias had warned Ulysses that
                                    if his men ate the Sun God's cattle, they would
                                    surely die!

The ship drops anchor of the shore of an island.

EXT.  SHORE OF ISLAND OF HELIOS  --  DAY

Ulysses addresses his crew.

ULYSSES

Men, I'm going to go looking for someone to give us
presents.  While I'm gone, I want you to use
remember carefully what I tell you.  Remember
what happened when you opened the sack of winds? 
If you eat any of the Sun God's cattle, it will be even
worse for you than what happened then!  Okay, I'm
going now, but I want you to remember what I said.  

Ulysses walks away from the crew and begins to explore the island.

 EXT.  ANOTHER PART OF HELIOS' ISLAND  --  DAY

 Ulysses wanders over the island.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    Ulysses searched the entire island, but could not
                                    find anyone to give him presents.  Reluctantly,
                                    he went back to where he had left the crew.

EXT.  SHORE OF HELIOS' ISLAND  --  DAY

Ulysses is shocked by what he sees.  His crew has built an entire restaurant on the shore of the island.  The restaurant has a big sign out front reading "SEAMAN'S HOUSE OF BEEF."  Ulysses runs to the entrance of the restaurant, where he finds Psychosis.

PSYCHOSIS

Look!  We built a restaurant!

                                                              ULYSSES
                                    How could you do this?  Didn't I tell you to
                                    remember my warning!

PSYCHOSIS

We did remember!  We didn't open a single sack
of winds! 

Ulysses runs into the restaurant.

INT.  RESTAURANT  --  DAY

Half of the crew are WAITERS and the other half are CUSTOMERS.  Most of the customers are having soup, but some are having steak and others are having coffee.  Cirrhosis is acting as the maitre d'.

CIRRHOSIS

Ulysses!  Welcome to the only restaurant on the
island where you can eat dirt cheap. 

Ulysses watches the interaction between the customers and the waiters. 

CUSTOMER

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?

 

WAITER

I think it's the backstroke.

 

CUSTOMER

This coffee is terrible!

 

WAITER

Don't complain about our coffee.  You too may be
old and weak one day.

 

CUSTOMER

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

 

WAITER

Don't worry.  That spider on the bread will get him.

 

CUSTOMER

What kind of soup is this?

 

WAITER

It's bean soup.

 

CUSTOMER

I don't care what it's been; what is it now?

 

CUSTOMER

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

 

WAITER

So?  How much can a little fly drink?

 

WAITER

How did you find your steak, sir?

 

CUSTOMER

I picked up a french fry, and there it was!

                                                              CUSTOMER
                                    Where did this fly in my soup come from? 

WAITER

Well, first the daddy fly falls in love with the
mommy fly...

 

CUSTOMER

I think I swallowed a bone!

 

WAITER

Are you choking?

 

CUSTOMER

No, I'm serious!!!

 

CUSTOMER

What's this fly doing in my soup?

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT.  MOUNT OLYMPUS  --  DAY

Zeus goes berserk.

ZEUS

I can't take it any more!!!

Zeus begins hurling lightning bolts.

EXT.  THE RESTAURANT ON HELIOS' ISLAND  --  DAY

Lightning bolts explode around the restaurant.  Ulysses and his crew come racing out.  A lightning bolt hits the restaurant and it explodes.  Ulysses and his men race for the ship as lightning bolts explode around them.

EXT.  THE SHIP  --  DAY

Ulysses and his men climb aboard the ship and set sail.  A storm begins to rage.  A lightning bolt hits the ship, and it explodes.

                                                        HOMER
                                                    (V.O.)
                                    Ulysses was the only survivor of the
                                    wrath of Zeus.  He washed ashore on
                                    the Island of Calypso.

EXT.  THE SHORE OF CALYPSO'S ISLAND

Ulysses, nearly unconscious, washes in with the tide.  He looks up and sees, standing before him, the beautiful goddess CALYPSO.  Calypso is very similar to Circe.

CALYPSO

What a big strong handsome man.  Will you
be my love slave?

Ulysses drags himself to his feet and heads inland.

ULYSSES

Love slave.  Yeah, sure.  I know.  First I'd
love to paint your house.  Then I'd love to
take out the garbage.  Then I'd love to
clean the kitchen.        

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    For seven long years, Ulysses cleaned the house f
                                    or the goddess Calypso.  Then, finally, the god
                                    Hermes appeared to set him free. 

Calypso follows Ulysses to the interior of the island.

INT.  CALYPSO'S PALACE  --  DAY

Ulysses is housecleaning.  Calypso is relaxing.  There's a knock at the door.

CALYPSO

Ulysses, will you see who's at the door?

 

ULYSSES

Sure. 

Ulysses exhausted from seven years of housework, opens the door.  It's Hermes.

HERMES

Hey, Ulysses!  Long time no see!  I've come
to send you back to Ithaca.

 

ULYSSES

What?

 

HERMES

Yeah.  Zeus didn't want to do it at first, but Athena
convinced him it was the only way to end this picture. 
I've got a raft waiting for you at the shore.  It'll
take you straight to Ithaca.

Ulysses can't believe his ears.

ULYSSES

I don't have to clean Calypso's house anymore?

 

HERMES

Nah.  I just told you.  You can go home.  In fact you
better go now, before Poseidon find out.

 

CALYPSO

You never had to clean my house, Ulysses.

 

ULYSSES

I didn't?  But I've been cleaning your house for
seven years.

 

CALYPSO

That was your idea.  I would have preferred that
you'd spent that time making love to me.

 

ULYSSES

Making love?  But why didn't you ask me?

 

CALYPSO

You always seemed so much more interested
in cleaning my house than you were in me. 
I figured you were gay.

 

ULYSSES

Gay?

 

HERMES

Yeah, I thought that too.

 

ULYSSES

I'm not gay!

 

HERMES

Whatever.  You better take that raft back to Ithaca,
before Poseidon finds out what you're doing.

 

ULYSSES

Wait a minute.  I want to prove to Calypso I'm not gay!

 

CALYPSO

You don't have to prove anything to me.  I'm sure there
are lots of straight men who like housecleaning as much
as you do!

 

ULYSSES

I don't like housecleaning!  I hate housecleaning!

 

HERMES

Hey!  Remember, Poseidon is still mad at you for
blinding his son Polyphemus!

 

ULYSSES

She still thinks I'm gay!!! 

Hermes grabs Ulysses and drags him out of the house.

HERMES

Sorry to use force, but I promised Athena I'd get you
back to Ithaca. 

Calypso waves goodbye as Ulysses is dragged away.

EXT.  ULYSSES' RAFT AT SEA  -  DAY

Ulysses sits on a raft, floating to Ithaca.  He stares silently at the wine dark sea, as his raft drifts slowly on to Ithaca.

EXT.  SHORE OF ITHACA  --  DAY

Ulysses raft finally lands on the shore of Ithaca.  He trudges up the sand, and meets the beautiful goddess Athena.

ATHENA

Ulysses!

 

ULYSSES

If you want me to be your love slave, you had better
define your terms!  A clear definition, that's not too
much to ask!

 

ATHENA

I am the goddess Athena, the goddess of wisdom!

 

ULYSSES

Wisdom?  Really?  Then I have a very important question. 
Do I seem gay to you?  If you didn't know anything
about me, would you think...

                                                            ATHENA
                                                        (interrupting him)
                                    Don't you realize where you are?  This is Ithaca! 
                                   
You are home, at last!

This news cheers up Ulysses.

ULYSSES

Ithaca!

 

ATHENA

But you're not out of trouble yet.

 

ULYSSES

You're not kidding.  My wife will kill me!  I
was supposed to be here ten years ago!  She
doesn't even like it when I'm a few minutes
late for dinner.

 

ATHENA

Your house is filled with men who want to marry
your wife and take over your lands.  They will
kill you if they can.

 

ULYSSES

Uh-oh!  What am I going to do?

 

ATHENA

First you must disguise yourself!  Go to your
home and take them by surprise.  Then slaughter
them like the savage, cold-blooded warrior that
you are!

 

ULYSSES

So that means you don't think I'm gay.

 

ATHENA

Ulysses, these parasites have been living in your house,
eating your food, wearing your clothes and pestering
your wife!

 

ULYSSES

So?  They're not doing anything I wouldn't do myself.

 

ATHENA

Go and get your revenge!!! 

Hesitantly, Ulysses heads for his home.

EXT.  THE COURTYARD OUTSIDE ULYSSES' PALACE  --  DAY

SUITORS of Penelope lounge around Ulysses' estate.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    And so, Ulysses adopted an ingenious disguise.

Ulysses trudges into the courtyard wearing a one-piece set of false nose, eyeglasses and mustache.  The suitors barely notice him.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    His faithful dog Argos was the only one to recognize
                                    him.

ARGOS is an ancient dog with an artificial nose.  (How does he smell?  Terrible!)  He walks slowly over to Ulysses and looks up at him.  Then he raises a hind leg and would urinate on Ulysses' foot, if Ulysses did not kick him away.  Someone shouts at Ulysses:

                                                            TELEMACHUS
                                                        (off-screen)
                                    Hey!  Stop that!

Ulysses turns to see his son, TELEMACHUS, a scrawny, awkward teenager with a very bad case of acne. 

                                                            TELEMACHUS
                                                        (off-screen)
                                    You shouldn't kick beasts just cause they're
                                    dumb and small and don't smell very good. 

ULYSSES

You mean you or the dog?

 

TELEMACHUS

That's my Dad's dog!  If he were here, you'd be in
big trouble.

 

ULYSSES

Telemachus?  Is that you?  Don't you know me? 

Telemachus thinks he is supposed to recognize this stranger, but he has no idea who the stranger is. 

TELEMACHUS

Um, I'm not very good with names. 

Ulysses looks around to make certain that there is no one watching, then he pulls Telemachus over into a corner.  Then he takes off the disguise for a second, to show Telemachus his true face. 

ULYSSES

I'm your father!

                                                           TELEMACHUS
                                                        (sarcastic)
                                    Oh yeah, right!  I'm sure!

Athena appears magically and confirm the truth to Telemachus.

ATHENA

It is true, young Telemachus.  This is your noble father,
Ulysses, who has at last returned home.

 

TELEMACHUS

Wow!  Who's the babe?

 

ATHENA

I am the goddess Athena! 

Athena vanishes.  Telemachus is impressed. 

TELEMACHUS

You know a goddess!  Cool!  Can you fix me up
with her?

 

ULYSSES

I don't know.

 

TELEMACHUS

I hear a lot of those goddesses are really horny.

 

ULYSSES

Perhaps we should talk about this some other time.

                                                            TELEMACHUS
                                                        (sarcastic)
                                    Yeah.  Real nice!  Way to go, Dad.  The first time
                                    I've seen you since I was a little kid, and right away
                                    you don't want to talk to me.

ULYSSES

It's not that.  I have to prepare a plan for what to do about
the suitors!

 

TELEMACHUS

Are you gonna kill them?  Mom always said you'd kill them. 
Why don't you tie them all up, and then let me kill them?

 

ULYSSES

Let me just observe things for a while before we decide
what to do, okay?  In the meantime, don't tell anyone
who I am.

 

TELEMACHUS

If I keep your secret, will you introduce me to the
goddess babe?

 

ULYSSES

Yes!  I'll introduce you to Athena.

 

TELEMACHUS

Okay, then!  You can count on me. 

Ulysses starts to walk away down the courtyard, when he hears Telemachus shout to the suitors.

TELEMACHUS

You guys are gonna be real sorry when my
father kills you! 

Furious, Ulysses turns around to confront his son.

TELEMACHUS

What?  I didn't say it was you.  Did I say you? 

Ulysses looks around frantically, to see if anyone is listening.  However, all the suitors are ignoring Telemachus, so he decides to go into the dining hall.

INT.  THE DINING HALL OF ULYSSES' PALACE  --  DAY

Ulysses enters the great dining hall of his house.  Suitors eat and drink, play poker, and relax.

ULYSSES

Hey, guys!  Is this the place with the free eats? 

ANTINOUS, a particularly athletic suitor, looks at Ulysses with scorn. 

ANTINOUS

Be gone, beggar!  You are not fit to sit with us!

 

ULYSSES

What do you mean?  I can freeload as well as
the next guy!

 

ANTINOUS

We are not freeloaders!  We are suitors of Penelope,
the widow of Ulysses!

 

ULYSSES

Swell!  You chase Penelope and I'll take the food. 
Bring on the chow! 

ULYSSES sits down at one of the dining table and notices that all of the dining tables are covered with custard pies.

ULYSSES

Uh-oh.  Custard pies.   

Telemachus enters and tries to get everyone's attention.

TELEMACHUS

Excuse me!  Excuse me everyone.  Could I
have everyone's attention. 

Antinous throws a mug of beer into Telemachus's face.  Then he holds out the empty mug. 

ANTINOUS

Here, boy, get me another beer.  My glass is empty.

 

ULYSSES

So's your head. 

                                                          ANTINOUS
                                                        (furious)
                                    What??? 

ULYSSES

What kind of suitor are you?  If you want to win
over the mother, be nice to the kid.  Now,
why not listen to what he has to say? 

Antinous is mollified, for the moment. 

ANTINOUS

Okay, kid.  What is it?

 

TELEMACHUS

I've just been talking to my Mom.  She said she's
decided that she'll marry whichever man can string
my father's bow and hit a target at the end of the
room. 

Word spreads, and all the suitors who were outside join the rest in the dining hall.  SLAVES bring in the massive seven foot bow of Ulysses, which is supported on a platform.  The slaves also bring in a giant arrow, and a target which they place at the other end of the room. 

TELEMACHUS

Let the best man win.

 

ANTINOUS

That man will be me! 

Antinous tries to string the bow, but he is not strong enough to bend the bow so that he can attach the string at both ends.

                                                            HOMER
                                                        (V.O.)
                                    One by one the suitors tried to string the bow, but
                                    none could succeed. 

The suitors try as hard as they can, but none of them can bend it far enough to attach the string.

ULYSSES

Can I give it a try?

 

ANTINOUS

Haw!  You, beggar?  Let's see you try to string
this bow!  It will give us all a good laugh!

 

ULYSSES

Let's see.  I shouldn't have any trouble with this! 

Ulysses fits the bowstring into the bottom of the bow, and then tries to pull down the top of the bow.  He puts his whole weight on the bow, even hooking his feet over the top end.  Miraculously the bow bends enough for Ulysses to hook the bowstring over the top part.  Then he tries to push the string back by putting both hands on the front of the bow, and pushing back on the string with his feet.  Then he tries to reach down for the arrow, but he looses his grip on the front of the bow, and he fires himself across the room like an arrow, straight into the target.  His head goes through the bull's-eye!  When he pulls his head out, his disguise has come off, and everyone can see he is Ulysses!

ANTINOUS

It's Ulysses!  Kill him!!! 

Ulysses grabs a pie and throws it into Antinous' face.  Another suitor finds this hilarious and starts laughing.  This annoys Antinous, who throws a pie in the face of the second suitor.  A third suitor objects to this.

THIRD SUITOR

Hey, you can't do that to him! 

Antinous hits the third suitor in the face with a pie.  Then the second suitor tires to hit Antinous, but Antinous ducks and the second suitor his a fourth suitor.  A giant pie fight erupts with pies flying everywhere.  Poor Telemachus does particularly badly, being hit with a pie right in the face every time he tries to throw one himself.  Finally, when two suitors come up on him from each side to hit him with pies, he ducks and the suitors hit each other.  It is his first taste of victory!  Then Athena suddenly appears in the midst of the fight and is horrified.

ATHENA

This is disgraceful!  Stop this burlesque at once! 

Athena is hit in the face with a pie.

ATHENA

Oh!  You can't treat the goddess of wisdom this way! 

Athena is hit in the face with another pie!

ATHENA

Stop!  Time, reverse yourself!!! 

Everything freezes.  Then the film goes into reverse.  The entire pie fight is played backwards, with pies flying out of people's faces and the dining hall being cleaned up.  The film keeps going backwards until it reaches the point when Antinous first recognizes Ulysses and demands that he be killed. 

ATHENA

That's better.  Now Ulysses, I will use my goddess
powers to grant you the strength and skill to defeat
your enemies, but you must not use pies to do it. 
Use your traditional weapon.

 

ULYSSES

Right!  The rubber chicken!!! 

Ulysses begins to bash Antinous with a rubber chicken.  The chicken has suddenly become a deadly weapon.  Blood flows freely wherever the rubber chicken strikes.  Several suitors attack Ulysses with swords, but Ulysses rubber chicken becomes as stiff as a sword and he fences with the suitors killing them.  One suitor decides to go after Telemachus.

TELEMACHUS

Dad! 

Ulysses throws a rubber chicken like a spear, and it impales the suitor who was about to attack Telemachus.  Telemachus pulls the chicken from the suitor's body, and uses it to fight the suitors around him.  He is as deadly with the chicken as his father.  Ulysses grabs a bow (a normal sized one), and reaches into his toga, and pulls out a seemingly endless supply of rubber chickens, which he uses as arrows.  Many suitors fall with rubber chickens through their hearts.  Finally, Ulysses starts using rubber chickens as hand grenades:  He pulls their head off and throws them.  The chicken grenades explode, killing the rest of the suitors.  Telemachus runs to his father.

TELEMACHUS

You did it, Dad!

 

ULYSSES

No son, we did it!  This morning, you were just a boy! 
But now you're a cold-hearted, bloodthirsty killer. 
I can't tell you how proud I am of you, son.

 

TELEMACHUS

Aw, Dad!

 

ULYSSES

And you're kind to animals!  That was wonderful, the way you
defended my dog Argos this morning.

 

TELEMACHUS

You know, I've got my own dog, Dad.  I have a dog without a tail!

 

ULYSSES

A dog without a tail!  How can you tell when he's happy?

 

TELEMACHUS

He stops biting me!

 

ULYSSES

That's my boy! 

Ulysses hugs his son.

TELEMACHUS

Let's go tell Mom you're here!

Ulysses and Telemachus run off to find Penelope.

INT.  PENELOPE'S BEDCHAMBER  --  DAY

Ulysses and Telemachus enter.

ULYSSES

And so, after ten years of war, and ten more years
of sailing home, Ulysses was at last reunited with
his wife. 

The audience has probably been expecting Penelope to be ugly, but she should be ugly beyond the audience's wildest expectations.  She has teeth missing and hair missing.  She got wrinkles, warts and about two hundred excess pounds.  She is delighted to see her husband.

PENELOPE

Ulysses!  My little love slave is back at last!!!

 

ULYSSES

When you say "love slave" do you mean "make
love to me--love slave" or do you mean "I'd
love to have you clean the kitchen--love slave." 

Penelope tries to be sexy.  She couldn't be more unsuccessful. 

PENELOPE

I mean "make love to me all night long--love slave." 

She bats her eyes at her husband.

ULYSSES

That's what I was afraid of.  Look, honey, I'd love to
stay, but Tiresias says I've got to go build an shrine
to Poseidon someplace where no ones ever heard of him!

 

PENELOPE

What?

 

Ulysses grabs his son by the arm.

                                                             ULYSSES
                                    Come on, kid!  Let's get out of here! 

Ulysses and Telemachus run from the room. 

EXT.  THE COURTYARD OUTSIDE ULYSSES' PALACE  --  DAY

 Ulysses and Telemachus run from Ulysses' house.

  A GIANT MAP OF EUROPE AND ASIA

 As Homer narrates, a line is drawn tracing the journey of Ulysses and Telemachus up from Greece and inland, into the heart of Russia.

                                                              HOMER
                                                            (V.O.)
                                    And so Ulysses and his son Telemachus journeyed inland,
                                    ever inland, searching for a place where no one knew of
                                    Poseidon the god of the sea, Son of Cronos and Rhea,
                                    and younger brother of Zeus. 

The line tracing the journey of Ulysses and Telemachus stops in the middle of Russia.

EXT.  STREET IN AN ANCIENT RUSSIAN VILLAGE  -  DAY

Ulysses and Telemachus confront some RUSSIAN PEASANTS, who are standing on a street corner playing some Russian musical instruments.

ULYSSES

Do you guys know Poseidon the god of the sea, son of
Cronos and Rhea, and younger brother of Zeus?

 

RUSSIAN PEASANT

No man, but if you hum a few bars we can fake it! 

Ulysses turns to Telemachus triumphantly.

ULYSSES

We did it!  We found a place where no one knows
Poseidon.  We will build a shrine here to Poseidon! 
But first this calls for a celebration! 

Ulysses turn back to the peasants. 

ULYSSES

Is there a bakery around here.

 

RUSSIAN PEASANT

Sure, just down the street! 

The Peasant points down the street and Ulysses and Telemachus go to the bakery.

INT.  BAKERY  --  DAY

Ulysses and Telemachus enter and Ulysses gives his order to a BAKER.

ULYSSES

I want a big sheet cake, with a picture of rosy
fingered dawn rising out of the wine dark sea! 
Can you do that?

 

BAKER

Sure.  Come back in a couple hours.

EXT.  SUNDIAL  --  DAY

A sundial shows two hours passing.  In case anyone misses the point, a subtitle says, "TWO HOURS LATER. . . "

INT.  BAKERY  --  DAY

Ulysses and Telemachus return, and Ulysses speaks to the Baker.

ULYSSES

Is my cake ready?

 

BAKER

Here it is, a sheet cake with a beautiful sunrise. 

The baker shows him the cake, which has a primitive drawing of a sunrise drawn in frosting.

ULYSSES

No, that's not right!  The sea should have more waves. 
And it should be wine dark!  That's much too light. 
And rosy fingered dawn isn't nearly rosy enough!

 

BAKER

Okay.  I'll fix it for you.  Come back in another hour.

EXT.  SUNDIAL  --  DAY

A sundial shows another hours passing.  A subtitle says, "AN HOUR LATER. . . "

INT.  BAKERY  --  DAY

Ulysses and Telemachus return, and Ulysses speaks to the Baker.

ULYSSES

Did you fix the cake?

 

BAKER

Here it is, a beautiful sunrise. 

The baker shows him the cake, which now has a much nicer drawing of a sunrise at sea, but it's not a masterpiece.

ULYSSES

No, that's still not right.  The waves should be
more three dimensional.  You haven't captured
the surging majesty of the ocean.  And there
aren't enough colors in the sky.  I want to
see the way the first rays of the sun turn the
gray sky into a brilliant azure.  That's
what I need to see on the cake.

 

BAKER

Okay.  Give me one more try.  Come back in another hour. 

EXT.  SUNDIAL  --  DAY

A sundial shows another hour passing, and a subtitle says, "ANOTHER HOUR LATER. . . "

INT.  BAKERY  --  DAY

Ulysses and Telemachus return, and Ulysses speaks to the Baker.

ULYSSES

I came for the cake.

 

BAKER

Here it is.  I never worked so hard on a cake in my life. 
This is a masterpiece!

The baker shows him the cake, and it really is a masterpiece.  It is the most beautiful cake anyone has ever created.

ULYSSES

Not bad.  Not bad at all.

 

BAKER

Shall I put it in a box so you can take it with you,
or would you rather have it delivered?

 

ULYSSES

That's okay.  I'll eat it here. 

SMASH!  The cake is thrown right into Ulysses' face.

Music comes up, and the end credits run.

 

THE END

 

 

© 2000 by Richard Nathan.  All rights reserved

The author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own, personal, non-commercial use.  No other use may be made without the author's permission.  Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not be staged without the author's express  permission.

Send e-mail to the author at Richard-Nathan@att.net.

 

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