WITH SWORD AND RUBBER CHICKEN
by Richard Nathan
EXT.
THE SHORE OF THE AEGEAN SEA --
SUNSET
It's
the Eighth Century B.C. The old,
blind poet Homer wanders along the shore of the Aegean Sea. His mind is in turmoil.
HOMER
The vast eternal, wine-dark sea.
Although my ancient eyes are sightless
now, and so may not behold the
churning waves, I hear them still,
and still their surging roar bestirs
my weary soul. What
is as old as
the sea? The
sun. The stars.
The
gods, most certainly. But
what else
is as old as the sea? The
joke about
the man who says to the Waiter, "Do
you have crabs' legs?"
And the Waiter
says, "No, I've always walked like
this." That
joke surely is of infinite
age. In
my youth, I composed "The
Odyssey," an epic poem telling the
voyages of brave Ulysses, but
I did not include therein a large
degree of humor. Now,
in my
declining years, when thoughts of
things long dead begin to haunt my
every hour, I feel compelled to
retell that story, with ancient jokes
included. Shall
I do so now? Shall
I retell the story of Ulysses with old
and awful jokes? Oh,
for a sign from
the gods to tell me what to do.
Homer
is hit in the face with a large cream pie.
The pie drips down his face into the surf.
A rubber chicken floats in the tide.
OPENING
TITLES
(If it's at all possible, it would be nice to get the song "TALES OF BRAVE
ULYSSES" by CREAM for the opening credits.)
EXT.
A BEACH NEAR TROY -- DAY
Ulysses'
CREW is preparing for their voyage home. They
have all their loot piled up on the shore, and they are loading it onto their
ship, which is anchored at the nearby dock.
Included in the plunder are crates labeled "Whoopee Cushions,"
"Dribble Glasses," "Joy Buzzers," and "Rubber
Chickens.
HOMER
(V.O.)
My story begins after the end of the Trojan
War, as victorious Greeks prepare to sail
home to Ithaca.
Three
members of the crew, PSYCHOSIS, PSORIASIS, and CIRRHOSIS discuss the voyage
home.
PSORIASIS
Come, victorious Greeks, let us prepare to
sail home to
Ithaca.
HOMER
(V.O.)
I said that already!
Psoriasis
ignores the voice of Homer.
PSORIASIS
It is a glorious day to set sail, is it not,
Psychosis?
PSYCHOSIS
Aye, good Psoriasis. Come,
Cirrhosis.
Let us kneel and thank
the gods for the
victory we have achieved, through the
brave sacrifice of our
fallen comrades.
Psychosis,
Psoriasis and Cirrhosis kneel.
CIRRHOSIS
Thanks, gods!
PSYCHOSIS
At last an end has come to the war!
CIRRHOSIS
Thanks for the war!
PSYCHOSIS
Soon we will sail home with our plunder,
the rich rewards of
battle!
CIRRHOSIS
Thanks for the battle.
PSORIASIS
Though the sea is filled with perils, with
Ulysses as our
Captain, we will fear
nothing!
CIRRHOSIS
Thanks for nothing!
PSYCHOSIS
Look! Here
comes Ulysses now!
EXT.
FURTHER UP THE BEACH --
DAY
A
handsome CHARIOTEER speed his chariot over the sand.
He looks like a Greek god. As
he approaches the crew, he gives the reins a sharp pull and the chariot comes to
a halt.
CHARIOTEER
We're here, sir.
ULYSSES
hops out of the back of the chariot, where he has been sitting.
He carries a worn-out valise. Ulysses
looks more like a Jewish comedian than a handsome Greek warrior.
ULYSSES
Thanks, Cabbie. What
do I owe you?
The
Charioteer glances at the meter on the chariot.
CHARIOTEER
Let's see, that'll be....
ULYSSES
Quick! Get
down!
Ulysses
dives at the Charioteer and knocks him down into the sand.
ULYSSES
Look! There are
a thousand angry Trojans
charging over that hill! King Priam himself
is leading the charge!
The
Charioteer scans the horizon, but can't find a single angry Trojan.
He starts to stand up, but Ulysses pulls him back into the sand!
CHARIOTEER
But....
ULYSSES
Stay down, you fool! Can't
you see the charge?
CHARIOTEER
(standing)
But there is no charge!
ULYSSES
(standing)
Really? That's
awfully nice of you. I'll have
to
not charge you sometime.
Ulysses starts to walk off down the beach.
CHARIOTEER
Hey! You owe me
for the ride!
ULYSSES
What! You just
said there was no charge.
CHARIOTEER
But....
ULYSSES
"There is no charge!" Those were your exact
words.
CHARIOTEER
But that's no fair!
ULYSSES
Well, no fare - no charge; it's the same thing,
isn't
it? Here, have a rubber chicken.
Ulysses
opens his valise, which is crammed with rubber chickens. He takes out a chicken and hands it to the stunned
Charioteer. Then he hurries off
down the beach to meet his crew.
EXT.
THE BEACH --
DAY
Ulysses
joins his crew. All of the
remaining plunder has been stowed aboard the ship.
ULYSSES
Hi guys! What's
up?
PSORIASIS
Today is the day we sail for Ithaca, great
Ulysses.
ULYSSES
Really? And I
was just starting to like it
here.
PSYCHOSIS
But our work is done. The
war is finally over.
ULYSSES
That what I said! I'm
just starting to like it
here!
Suddenly
Ulysses becomes very melodramatic. He
starts his Trojan War speech...
ULYSSES
The Trojan War! Much
brave blood was
shed! Many brave
men fell!
Ulysses
looks directly into the camera and addresses the audience.
ULYSSES
Let that be a lesson to all you brave men
out there!
PSYCHOSIS
Ulysses! It's
time to board the ship!
ULYSSES
Quiet! I was
just starting my big speech.
The
Trojan War! Much brave blood was
shed! Many brave men fell!
Achilles fell.
Patroklos
fell. Antilokhos
fell. Even I fell!
I kept slipping in all that brave blood!
The
Trojan War!
CIRRHOSIS
It's time to sail for home!
You remember
home! Your wife
Penelope! Your child
Telemachus! Your dog Argos!
ULYSSES
That's right! I
did have a dog! I remember I
had a
dog without a nose.
CIRRHOSIS
A dog without a nose! How
did he smell?
ULYSSES
Terrible! All
right, lead the way to the boat!
The
Crew lead Ulysses to the ship.
EXT.
PROW OF THE SHIP -- DAY
Ulysses
poses at the prow of his ship, looking like the heroic captain of the vessel.
Psychosis, Psoriasis and Cirrhosis stand beside him.
ULYSSES
Now then, where did you guys say we were
going?
PSORIASIS
Ithaca, my Captain.
ULYSSES
Right! Now,
let's see. I used to know where
Ithaca was.
PSORIASIS
I have some maps here, wise Ulysses.
Psoriasis
hands Ulysses several nautical maps and charts. Ulysses angrily rips them to shreds.
ULYSSES
Maps! MAPS!
I have no need of maps!
Ulysses
steers by the stars! Besides, I
hate
maps. I can never figure out
how to fold
them up again.
PSORIASIS
Then steer by the stars, valiant Ulysses.
Ulysses
scans the heavens.
ULYSSES
I will! I will
steer by the stars! I would, if I
could see any. Any of you guys see
any stars?
They
all search the sky.
FADE
TO:
EXT.
PROW OF THE SHIP -- NIGHT
Night
comes on. Ulysses and his crew
remain at the prow. It becomes very
dark.
PSORIASIS
Look! There are
the stars, noble Ulysses!
ULYSSES
Yeah, but now it's too dark to see where
we're going!
EXT.
HELM OF THE SHIP -- DAY
(SPRING)
Ulysses
stands at the helm on a beautiful spring day.
HOMER
(V.O.)
For over a year Ulysses commanded the
helm of his ship,
trying to find his way home.
ULYSSES
Psychosis! Did
you swab the deck, scrub
the portholes and polish the rails?
PSYCHOSIS
(O.S.)
Aye, aye, Captain.
ULYSSES
Then get out the telescope and sweep the
horizon! Cirrhosis, weigh the anchor!
CIRRHOSIS
(O.S.)
Three tons, twelve pounds, six ounces!
EXT.
THE HELM OF THE SHIP --
DAY (SUMMER)
The
seasons change. Now it is summer,
and Ulysses is wearing a yachting cap and sunglasses.
He starts talking like Robert Newton playing Long John Silver.
ULYSSES
Arrr, me lads! See
to the mizzen mast.
PSYCHOSIS
(O.S.)
We can't see it!
ULYSSES
Of course not! How
can you see it when it's
mizzen! Har!
Har! Har!
EXT.
THE HELM OF THE SHIP --
DAY (AUTUMN)
Now
it's autumn, and Ulysses wears a scarf. There's
a terrible storm, and the ship is tossed upon the waves.
ULYSSES
Heave to! Heave
to! If you were as seasick
as I am,
you'd heave too.
EXT.
THE HELM OF THE SHIP --
DAY (WINTER)
Snow
is falling all over the deck. Ulysses
is all bundled up in his winter clothing, but he is still freezing cold.
A penguin waddles through the snow.
ULYSSES
Shiver me timbers, not to mention the rest of
me.
It's cold!
Cirrhosis
walks onto the helm. He is also
dressed in winter clothing, and is shivering so badly he's barely able to speak.
CIRRHOSIS
It's so cold, I saw a man start a fire to warm
his face.....
ULYSSES
So? Lots of men
start fires to warm their
faces!
CIRRHOSIS
In their beards?
A
bearded sailor, with his beard in flames, runs by in a panic. He jumps over the railing, into the sea.
Ulysses looks, and the splash hits him in the face.
EXT.
THE HELM OF THE SHIP
-- DAY
(SPRING)
It's
spring again. Ulysses stands at the
helm with Psoriasis.
ULYSSES
I give up. This
is useless. We're not getting
anywhere.
PSORIASIS
It might help if we cast off.
A
long rope still holds the ship firmly to the dock.
ULYSSES
Cast off! You
want to drift out to sea???
Then
we'd really be lost!
EXT.
THE SHIP AT SEA -- DAY
The
ship sails through the sea.
HOMER
(V.O.)
Finally
their voyage was underway, and
soon they were lost at sea.
When they
finally spotted land, Ulysses was so overjoyed
that he rushed
ashore and kissed the ground.
EXT.
BEACH ON THE ISLAND OF LOTUS-EATERS
-- DAY
Ulysses
boat is anchored just off the shore of the island of the Lotus-Eaters.
Ulysses jumps off the ship and runs through the surf up to the shore.
He leaps into a patch of vegetation and starts to kiss the ground.
ULYSSES
Ground! Ground
at last! Ground! Which
reminds me of the joke about the customer
who says,
"This coffee tastes like mud!'' And
the waitress says, "I'm not
surprised. It was
ground this
morning."
Two
LOTUS-EATERS emerge from the nearby woods.
They were tie-dyed togas and their hair is long and shaggy.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Dig it, man.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Far out!
Members
of Ulysses crew, including Psoriasis, Psychosis and Cirrhosis, join Ulysses on
the shore.
PSORIASIS
Why do you stare? Our
mighty leader,
noble Ulysses, is merely celebrating our
safe landing. We have been as sea for
many weeks.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Man, he'd have to have been at sea a long
time to kiss that
poison ivy like that!
ULYSSES
Poison ivy?
INT.
ULYSSES'S CABIN ON THE SHIP --
DAY
Ulysses
is having his entire head wrapped in bandages by Psoriasis.
HOMER
(V.O.)
Due to some rash actions on the part of
Ulysses, they had to
remain on the island for
several days.
Psychosis
and Cirrhosis enter the cabin and address their captain.
PSYCHOSIS
Request permission to go ashore, Captain.
Ulysses
shouts inaudibly under the bandages.
CIRRHOSIS
Thank you! Your
kindness is legendary.
Ulysses
shouts angrily under the bandages as Psychosis and Cirrhosis leave.
EXT.
A CLEARING ON THE ISLAND OF LOTUS-EATERS
-- DAY
The
two Lotus-Eaters meet in a clearing on their island. They've both been getting off on lotuses, and aren't
coherent.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Hey man! What's
happening?
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
It is?
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
I don't know, man. I
thought I was asking
you.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
What was you asking me?
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
I was asking you a question!
Man, I got to
cut down on these lotuses. It's like they're
destroying my.... destroying my....
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Brain?
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Yeah!
The
First Lotus-Eater picks up a coconut and shows it to the Second Lotus-Eater.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
It's like, this is my brain.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
I can dig it.
He
takes a bunch of lotuses out of his pocket and puts them under the coconut.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
And this is my brain on a pile of lotuses.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Far out! But
like, your brain is still a coconut.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
It is? Wow!
No wonder I'm so messed up!
I'm
gonna eat some lotuses!
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Me too!
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Well, lotus begin.
They
commence eating the lotuses. Cirrhosis
and Psychosis come up behind them.
PSYCHOSIS
Look at these simple savages, eating those
raw plants.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Here, man, have a lotus.
He
offers a lotus to Psychosis, who takes a tiny taste.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
You too, man. You
won't regret it. You
won't regret
anything.
He
gives Cirrhosis a lotus, which Cirrhosis tastes.
PSYCHOSIS
These aren't particularly tasty.
He
takes another bite.
CIRRHOSIS
They taste sort of like, uh....
Cirrhosis
tries another bite. He and
Psychosis keep eating the lotuses. When
they finish, the Lotus-Eaters hand them more.
They all get progressively more and more stoned.
PSYCHOSIS
They taste like something.
CIRRHOSIS
(impressed)
Oh yeah!
PSYCHOSIS
You think so?
CIRRHOSIS
Hey, I could be wrong.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
They taste like Lotuses!
PSYCHOSIS
That's it.
CIRRHOSIS
Hey man, gimme another one of them lotuses!
PSYCHOSIS
Me too, man! I
really dig those lotuses.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Hey, man, where’s that bonehead captain
of yours?
CIRRHOSIS
Man, he’s not a bonehead.
He’s noble
Ulyssesses!
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Ulyssessesseses?
CIRRHOSIS
No, man. You
said too many “ess”es. At least
two times too many “esses.”
PSYCHOSIS
Yeah, our captain is only half-essed.
CIRRHOSIS
And he’s no bone head.
His head is totally
boneless!
PSYCHOSIS
Of course, that don’t mean he can’t make a
little
mistake or two.
CIRRHOSIS
Like getting us lost at sea.
PSYCHOSIS
With no way of knowing where we are or
where we’re going!
CIRRHOSIS
So we’re all going to drown, or starve, or die!
PSYCHOSIS
That bonehead!
FIRST
LOTUS-EATER
Hey,
you know what else is great about lotuses?
When you get tired of eating them, you can smoke
them!
PSYCHOSIS
Wow?
Really?
FIRST
LOTUS-EATER
Here.
I'll show you how to do it. But
you've got
to remember to inhale.
The
Lotus-Eaters start to roll some lotus joints.
INT.
ULYSSES’S CABIN ON THE SHIP --
DAY
Ulysses
and Psoriasis stand in Ulysses’ cabin. Ulysses
no longer wears the bandages; his face has healed.
HOMER
(V.O.)
One week later, Ulysses was ready to set sail.
&nb