WITH SWORD AND RUBBER CHICKEN
by Richard Nathan
EXT.
THE SHORE OF THE AEGEAN SEA --
SUNSET
It's
the Eighth Century B.C. The old,
blind poet Homer wanders along the shore of the Aegean Sea. His mind is in turmoil.
HOMER
The vast eternal, wine-dark sea.
Although my ancient eyes are sightless
now, and so may not behold the
churning waves, I hear them still,
and still their surging roar bestirs
my weary soul. What
is as old as
the sea? The
sun. The stars.
The
gods, most certainly. But
what else
is as old as the sea? The
joke about
the man who says to the Waiter, "Do
you have crabs' legs?"
And the Waiter
says, "No, I've always walked like
this." That
joke surely is of infinite
age. In
my youth, I composed "The
Odyssey," an epic poem telling the
voyages of brave Ulysses, but
I did not include therein a large
degree of humor. Now,
in my
declining years, when thoughts of
things long dead begin to haunt my
every hour, I feel compelled to
retell that story, with ancient jokes
included. Shall
I do so now? Shall
I retell the story of Ulysses with old
and awful jokes? Oh,
for a sign from
the gods to tell me what to do.
Homer
is hit in the face with a large cream pie.
The pie drips down his face into the surf.
A rubber chicken floats in the tide.
OPENING
TITLES
(If it's at all possible, it would be nice to get the song "TALES OF BRAVE
ULYSSES" by CREAM for the opening credits.)
EXT.
A BEACH NEAR TROY -- DAY
Ulysses'
CREW is preparing for their voyage home. They
have all their loot piled up on the shore, and they are loading it onto their
ship, which is anchored at the nearby dock.
Included in the plunder are crates labeled "Whoopee Cushions,"
"Dribble Glasses," "Joy Buzzers," and "Rubber
Chickens.
HOMER
(V.O.)
My story begins after the end of the Trojan
War, as victorious Greeks prepare to sail
home to Ithaca.
Three
members of the crew, PSYCHOSIS, PSORIASIS, and CIRRHOSIS discuss the voyage
home.
PSORIASIS
Come, victorious Greeks, let us prepare to
sail home to
Ithaca.
HOMER
(V.O.)
I said that already!
Psoriasis
ignores the voice of Homer.
PSORIASIS
It is a glorious day to set sail, is it not,
Psychosis?
PSYCHOSIS
Aye, good Psoriasis. Come,
Cirrhosis.
Let us kneel and thank
the gods for the
victory we have achieved, through the
brave sacrifice of our
fallen comrades.
Psychosis,
Psoriasis and Cirrhosis kneel.
CIRRHOSIS
Thanks, gods!
PSYCHOSIS
At last an end has come to the war!
CIRRHOSIS
Thanks for the war!
PSYCHOSIS
Soon we will sail home with our plunder,
the rich rewards of
battle!
CIRRHOSIS
Thanks for the battle.
PSORIASIS
Though the sea is filled with perils, with
Ulysses as our
Captain, we will fear
nothing!
CIRRHOSIS
Thanks for nothing!
PSYCHOSIS
Look! Here
comes Ulysses now!
EXT.
FURTHER UP THE BEACH --
DAY
A
handsome CHARIOTEER speed his chariot over the sand.
He looks like a Greek god. As
he approaches the crew, he gives the reins a sharp pull and the chariot comes to
a halt.
CHARIOTEER
We're here, sir.
ULYSSES
hops out of the back of the chariot, where he has been sitting.
He carries a worn-out valise. Ulysses
looks more like a Jewish comedian than a handsome Greek warrior.
ULYSSES
Thanks, Cabbie. What
do I owe you?
The
Charioteer glances at the meter on the chariot.
CHARIOTEER
Let's see, that'll be....
ULYSSES
Quick! Get
down!
Ulysses
dives at the Charioteer and knocks him down into the sand.
ULYSSES
Look! There are
a thousand angry Trojans
charging over that hill! King Priam himself
is leading the charge!
The
Charioteer scans the horizon, but can't find a single angry Trojan.
He starts to stand up, but Ulysses pulls him back into the sand!
CHARIOTEER
But....
ULYSSES
Stay down, you fool! Can't
you see the charge?
CHARIOTEER
(standing)
But there is no charge!
ULYSSES
(standing)
Really? That's
awfully nice of you. I'll have
to
not charge you sometime.
Ulysses starts to walk off down the beach.
CHARIOTEER
Hey! You owe me
for the ride!
ULYSSES
What! You just
said there was no charge.
CHARIOTEER
But....
ULYSSES
"There is no charge!" Those were your exact
words.
CHARIOTEER
But that's no fair!
ULYSSES
Well, no fare - no charge; it's the same thing,
isn't
it? Here, have a rubber chicken.
Ulysses
opens his valise, which is crammed with rubber chickens. He takes out a chicken and hands it to the stunned
Charioteer. Then he hurries off
down the beach to meet his crew.
EXT.
THE BEACH --
DAY
Ulysses
joins his crew. All of the
remaining plunder has been stowed aboard the ship.
ULYSSES
Hi guys! What's
up?
PSORIASIS
Today is the day we sail for Ithaca, great
Ulysses.
ULYSSES
Really? And I
was just starting to like it
here.
PSYCHOSIS
But our work is done. The
war is finally over.
ULYSSES
That what I said! I'm
just starting to like it
here!
Suddenly
Ulysses becomes very melodramatic. He
starts his Trojan War speech...
ULYSSES
The Trojan War! Much
brave blood was
shed! Many brave
men fell!
Ulysses
looks directly into the camera and addresses the audience.
ULYSSES
Let that be a lesson to all you brave men
out there!
PSYCHOSIS
Ulysses! It's
time to board the ship!
ULYSSES
Quiet! I was
just starting my big speech.
The
Trojan War! Much brave blood was
shed! Many brave men fell!
Achilles fell.
Patroklos
fell. Antilokhos
fell. Even I fell!
I kept slipping in all that brave blood!
The
Trojan War!
CIRRHOSIS
It's time to sail for home!
You remember
home! Your wife
Penelope! Your child
Telemachus! Your dog Argos!
ULYSSES
That's right! I
did have a dog! I remember I
had a
dog without a nose.
CIRRHOSIS
A dog without a nose! How
did he smell?
ULYSSES
Terrible! All
right, lead the way to the boat!
The
Crew lead Ulysses to the ship.
EXT.
PROW OF THE SHIP -- DAY
Ulysses
poses at the prow of his ship, looking like the heroic captain of the vessel.
Psychosis, Psoriasis and Cirrhosis stand beside him.
ULYSSES
Now then, where did you guys say we were
going?
PSORIASIS
Ithaca, my Captain.
ULYSSES
Right! Now,
let's see. I used to know where
Ithaca was.
PSORIASIS
I have some maps here, wise Ulysses.
Psoriasis
hands Ulysses several nautical maps and charts. Ulysses angrily rips them to shreds.
ULYSSES
Maps! MAPS!
I have no need of maps!
Ulysses
steers by the stars! Besides, I
hate
maps. I can never figure out
how to fold
them up again.
PSORIASIS
Then steer by the stars, valiant Ulysses.
Ulysses
scans the heavens.
ULYSSES
I will! I will
steer by the stars! I would, if I
could see any. Any of you guys see
any stars?
They
all search the sky.
FADE
TO:
EXT.
PROW OF THE SHIP -- NIGHT
Night
comes on. Ulysses and his crew
remain at the prow. It becomes very
dark.
PSORIASIS
Look! There are
the stars, noble Ulysses!
ULYSSES
Yeah, but now it's too dark to see where
we're going!
EXT.
HELM OF THE SHIP -- DAY
(SPRING)
Ulysses
stands at the helm on a beautiful spring day.
HOMER
(V.O.)
For over a year Ulysses commanded the
helm of his ship,
trying to find his way home.
ULYSSES
Psychosis! Did
you swab the deck, scrub
the portholes and polish the rails?
PSYCHOSIS
(O.S.)
Aye, aye, Captain.
ULYSSES
Then get out the telescope and sweep the
horizon! Cirrhosis, weigh the anchor!
CIRRHOSIS
(O.S.)
Three tons, twelve pounds, six ounces!
EXT.
THE HELM OF THE SHIP --
DAY (SUMMER)
The
seasons change. Now it is summer,
and Ulysses is wearing a yachting cap and sunglasses.
He starts talking like Robert Newton playing Long John Silver.
ULYSSES
Arrr, me lads! See
to the mizzen mast.
PSYCHOSIS
(O.S.)
We can't see it!
ULYSSES
Of course not! How
can you see it when it's
mizzen! Har!
Har! Har!
EXT.
THE HELM OF THE SHIP --
DAY (AUTUMN)
Now
it's autumn, and Ulysses wears a scarf. There's
a terrible storm, and the ship is tossed upon the waves.
ULYSSES
Heave to! Heave
to! If you were as seasick
as I am,
you'd heave too.
EXT.
THE HELM OF THE SHIP --
DAY (WINTER)
Snow
is falling all over the deck. Ulysses
is all bundled up in his winter clothing, but he is still freezing cold.
A penguin waddles through the snow.
ULYSSES
Shiver me timbers, not to mention the rest of
me.
It's cold!
Cirrhosis
walks onto the helm. He is also
dressed in winter clothing, and is shivering so badly he's barely able to speak.
CIRRHOSIS
It's so cold, I saw a man start a fire to warm
his face.....
ULYSSES
So? Lots of men
start fires to warm their
faces!
CIRRHOSIS
In their beards?
A
bearded sailor, with his beard in flames, runs by in a panic. He jumps over the railing, into the sea.
Ulysses looks, and the splash hits him in the face.
EXT.
THE HELM OF THE SHIP
-- DAY
(SPRING)
It's
spring again. Ulysses stands at the
helm with Psoriasis.
ULYSSES
I give up. This
is useless. We're not getting
anywhere.
PSORIASIS
It might help if we cast off.
A
long rope still holds the ship firmly to the dock.
ULYSSES
Cast off! You
want to drift out to sea???
Then
we'd really be lost!
EXT.
THE SHIP AT SEA -- DAY
The
ship sails through the sea.
HOMER
(V.O.)
Finally
their voyage was underway, and
soon they were lost at sea.
When they
finally spotted land, Ulysses was so overjoyed
that he rushed
ashore and kissed the ground.
EXT.
BEACH ON THE ISLAND OF LOTUS-EATERS
-- DAY
Ulysses
boat is anchored just off the shore of the island of the Lotus-Eaters.
Ulysses jumps off the ship and runs through the surf up to the shore.
He leaps into a patch of vegetation and starts to kiss the ground.
ULYSSES
Ground! Ground
at last! Ground! Which
reminds me of the joke about the customer
who says,
"This coffee tastes like mud!'' And
the waitress says, "I'm not
surprised. It was
ground this
morning."
Two
LOTUS-EATERS emerge from the nearby woods.
They were tie-dyed togas and their hair is long and shaggy.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Dig it, man.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Far out!
Members
of Ulysses crew, including Psoriasis, Psychosis and Cirrhosis, join Ulysses on
the shore.
PSORIASIS
Why do you stare? Our
mighty leader,
noble Ulysses, is merely celebrating our
safe landing. We have been as sea for
many weeks.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Man, he'd have to have been at sea a long
time to kiss that
poison ivy like that!
ULYSSES
Poison ivy?
INT.
ULYSSES'S CABIN ON THE SHIP --
DAY
Ulysses
is having his entire head wrapped in bandages by Psoriasis.
HOMER
(V.O.)
Due to some rash actions on the part of
Ulysses, they had to
remain on the island for
several days.
Psychosis
and Cirrhosis enter the cabin and address their captain.
PSYCHOSIS
Request permission to go ashore, Captain.
Ulysses
shouts inaudibly under the bandages.
CIRRHOSIS
Thank you! Your
kindness is legendary.
Ulysses
shouts angrily under the bandages as Psychosis and Cirrhosis leave.
EXT.
A CLEARING ON THE ISLAND OF LOTUS-EATERS
-- DAY
The
two Lotus-Eaters meet in a clearing on their island. They've both been getting off on lotuses, and aren't
coherent.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Hey man! What's
happening?
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
It is?
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
I don't know, man. I
thought I was asking
you.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
What was you asking me?
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
I was asking you a question!
Man, I got to
cut down on these lotuses. It's like they're
destroying my.... destroying my....
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Brain?
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Yeah!
The
First Lotus-Eater picks up a coconut and shows it to the Second Lotus-Eater.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
It's like, this is my brain.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
I can dig it.
He
takes a bunch of lotuses out of his pocket and puts them under the coconut.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
And this is my brain on a pile of lotuses.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Far out! But
like, your brain is still a coconut.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
It is? Wow!
No wonder I'm so messed up!
I'm
gonna eat some lotuses!
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Me too!
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Well, lotus begin.
They
commence eating the lotuses. Cirrhosis
and Psychosis come up behind them.
PSYCHOSIS
Look at these simple savages, eating those
raw plants.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Here, man, have a lotus.
He
offers a lotus to Psychosis, who takes a tiny taste.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
You too, man. You
won't regret it. You
won't regret
anything.
He
gives Cirrhosis a lotus, which Cirrhosis tastes.
PSYCHOSIS
These aren't particularly tasty.
He
takes another bite.
CIRRHOSIS
They taste sort of like, uh....
Cirrhosis
tries another bite. He and
Psychosis keep eating the lotuses. When
they finish, the Lotus-Eaters hand them more.
They all get progressively more and more stoned.
PSYCHOSIS
They taste like something.
CIRRHOSIS
(impressed)
Oh yeah!
PSYCHOSIS
You think so?
CIRRHOSIS
Hey, I could be wrong.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
They taste like Lotuses!
PSYCHOSIS
That's it.
CIRRHOSIS
Hey man, gimme another one of them lotuses!
PSYCHOSIS
Me too, man! I
really dig those lotuses.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Hey, man, where’s that bonehead captain
of yours?
CIRRHOSIS
Man, he’s not a bonehead.
He’s noble
Ulyssesses!
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Ulyssessesseses?
CIRRHOSIS
No, man. You
said too many “ess”es. At least
two times too many “esses.”
PSYCHOSIS
Yeah, our captain is only half-essed.
CIRRHOSIS
And he’s no bone head.
His head is totally
boneless!
PSYCHOSIS
Of course, that don’t mean he can’t make a
little
mistake or two.
CIRRHOSIS
Like getting us lost at sea.
PSYCHOSIS
With no way of knowing where we are or
where we’re going!
CIRRHOSIS
So we’re all going to drown, or starve, or die!
PSYCHOSIS
That bonehead!
FIRST
LOTUS-EATER
Hey,
you know what else is great about lotuses?
When you get tired of eating them, you can smoke
them!
PSYCHOSIS
Wow?
Really?
FIRST
LOTUS-EATER
Here.
I'll show you how to do it. But
you've got
to remember to inhale.
The
Lotus-Eaters start to roll some lotus joints.
INT.
ULYSSES’S CABIN ON THE SHIP --
DAY
Ulysses
and Psoriasis stand in Ulysses’ cabin. Ulysses
no longer wears the bandages; his face has healed.
HOMER
(V.O.)
One week later, Ulysses was ready to set sail.
ULYSSES
Psoriasis, are the men ready?
PSORIASIS
Everyone
except Psychosis and Cirrhosis.
They
never returned from shore leave.
ULYSSES
Then
let's go get them!
EXT. THE CLEARING ON THE ISLAND - DAY
Psychosis, Cirrhosis and the two Lotus-Eaters lie on the ground beside a campfire, smoking lotus joints.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
What I dig most about lotuses is how
they
raise my consciousness.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Me too man.
PSYCHOSIS
You know what I'm conscious of right
now?
CIRRHOSIS
What?
PSYCHOSIS
I'm conscious my robe is on fire.
CIRRHOSIS
Cool!
The hem of Psychosis's robe has indeed caught on fire. Fortunately for Psychosis, Psoriasis arrives on the scene just in time to stamp on the flames before they are large enough to cook Psychosis.
PSORIASIS
Psychosis, are you mad?
PSYCHOSIS
No, man, I forgive you.
PSORIASIS
If I hadn't stamped out that fire,
you'd have been
incinerated!
PSYCHOSIS
Hey man, just what are you trying to incinerate?
Ulysses arrives.
ULYSSES
Come on, men! It's time to head for home!
CIRRHOSIS
Uh-uh. Our home is with these heads.
PSORIASIS
Don't you want to return with us?
Don't you want
to see your wives and children?
Don't you want
to go home?
CIRRHOSIS
That's right. We don't.
ULYSSES
Men, it would be easy for me to join
you. It would
be easy for me to
forget about my wife, to forget
about my son, and to forget about my dog without
a nose. Sure it would be easy to
forget them and
to waste the rest of my life away eating lotuses,
but I won't do
it! And you know why?
PSYCHOS
Why?
ULYSSES
Because we're only twenty minutes into
the Picture!
That's why!!!
Men, I order you to cease at once!
PSYCHOSIS
Yeah, I'm going to cease me another lotus!
PSORIASIS
They won't come with us, mighty
Ulysses. What
can we do?
ULYSSES
There's an old saying.
If you can't beat them,
join them. And
I intend to beat the hell out of
these morons.
Come, Psoriasis. Let's
get back
to the ship.
EXT. THE CLEARING ON THE ISLAND - DAY
A montage of Psychosis and Psoriasis getting more and more stoned with the two Lotus-Eaters, as time passes. They all start giggling hysterically. Then they hear someone approaching.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Hey, man, someone's coming.
CIRRHOSIS
I don't think it's me, cause I'm here.
Enter Ulysses, dressed like one of the Lotus-Eaters.
ULYSSES
Hey man! Far away! What's going on?
PSYCHOSIS
What's with you, man?
ULYSSES
Hey man! I'm here to enlist. I wanna put it on!
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
You mean you want some lotuses, man?
ULYSSES
Lotuses! Oh man, lotuses are in sight!
I got something
much further away. You
smoke some of this stuff,
and you'll never want to see a lotus again.
Ulysses hands out a fistful of joints to Psychosis, Cirrhosis and the two Lotus-Eaters.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Is it good stuff, man?
ULYSSES
Yeah, man!
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
If it turned you into a freak, it must be something else!
ULYSSES
No it isn't! It's good stuff! Honest!
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Okay, man, we'll give it a try.
Ulysses watches as Psychosis, Cirrhosis and the Lotus-Eaters light up their joints.
FIRST LOTUS-EATER
Aren't you gonna smoke one, man?
ULYSSES
Hey, I'm so high already, if I smoked
anymore,
the air would be too thin to breathe.
You guys go
ahead.
The others begin smoking. Ulysses grins.
Far out, man!
CIRRHOSIS
Oh wow!
PSYCHOSIS
Oh wow oh wow.
SECOND LOTUS-EATER
Dynamite stuff, man What do you call it?
ULYSSES
Poison ivy, man!
All the smokers faint.
EXT. THE BRIDGE OF ULYSSES'S SHIP - DAY
Ulysses and Psoriasis stand at the bridge. The ship has sailed far from the island of the Lotus-Eaters.
ULYSSES
How are they doing?
PSORIASIS
They will survive to complete the voyage.
ULYSSES
Good.
That will show them!
A SAILOR cries from off-screen.
SAILOR
(off-screen)
Land ho!
ULYSSES
Look! There's another island!
PSORIASIS
I wonder where we are.
ULYSSES
Wherever it is, it's got to be
better than that
island of the Lotus-Eaters.
EXT. THE SHORE OF CYCLOPS ISLAND - DAY
The ship anchors on the shore. Down the beach, unnoticed by Ulysses and his men, is a big sign which reads "WARNING! CYCLOPS ISLAND! BEWARE!!!" Ulysses and his crew get out of the ship.
ULYSSES
Men, it is an ancient custom to give
gifts to
wandering strangers. I
propose we search this
island for someone to give us presents.
And if we find anyone and they won't give us
presents, I
propose we engage in another ancient
custom:
looting and pillaging. Are
there any
questions?
CIRRHOSIS
Yes!
ULYSSES
How dare you question your captain!
Ulysses beats Cirrhosis over the head with a rubber chicken.
I just wanted to know what kind of
presents
we might get.
ULYSSES
I don't know. Maybe a Grecian urn.
CIRRHOSIS
What's a Grecian urn?
PSYCHOSIS
About sixty drachmas a week.
Ulysses hits Psychosis with the rubber chicken.
ULYSSES
Now then, you men gather up some
supplies,
and follow me! Let's go
get those presents!
The men start gathering up some supplies.
EXT. THE MOUTH OF POLYPHEMUS' CAVE - DAY
Ulysses and his crew come to the mouth of an enormous cave. A huge boulder rests near the entrance.
ULYSSES
Come on. Let's see if there's anyone inside.
They enter the cave.
INT. POLYPHEMUS' CAVE - DAY
Ulysses and his crew explore the dimly lit cave.
ULYSSES
I don't see anyone in here.
PSORIASIS
Let us leave this place, Ulysses.
I sense there is much
evil here.
Against the wall of the cave are many boxes, all labeled: EVIL. Suddenly there is a noise from off-screen. Something is coming, something monstrously huge.
POLYPHEMUS
(off-screen)
Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum!
Smell the blood of a Grecian Man!
Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum!
Smell the blood of a Grecian Man!
ULYSSES
You're missing the "I."
POLYPHEMUS appears. He is a savage giant with one eye in the middle of his forehead. He carries a large wooden staff.
POLYPHEMUS
You're telling me!
A large flock of sheep follow Polyphemus into the cave.
POLYPHEMUS
Come on in, you sheep!
PSORIASIS
Look at all those sheep!
CIRRHOSIS
I've never seen so many sheep.
PSYCHOSIS
I wonder what he does with so many sheep.
ULYSSES
(addressing the Cyclops)
My men would like to know what you
do
with all these sheep.
POLYPHEMUS
I herd them.
ULYSSES
I said my men would like to know
what you
do with all these sheep.
POLYPHEMUS
I herd them!
ULYSSES
Well if you heard them, why don't
you answer
the question!
POLYPHEMUS
I herd the sheep!
I'm a shepherd! What did you
think I did with them?
ULYSSES
Let's leave your personal affairs out of this.
POLYPHEMUS
Actually I only tend these sheep to
earn a living.
I spend most of my
time pondering questions of
morality, metaphysics, aesthetics...
ULYSSES
Say, are you really a giant, or just a hot air balloon?
POLYPHEMUS
I am a philosopher.
Polyphemus sits back against a wall of the cave, takes out a pipe. He lights the pipe with a giant torch, and begins to smoke.
ULYSSES
That's what I thought.
POLYPHEMUS
I find that only through contemplation
of the great
philosophical questions can I truly feel alive.
As Descartes once said... you have read
Descartes, haven't you?
ULYSSES
No, I'm still working on the odes of Horace.
POLYPHEMUS
But you may read Descartes without
having first
read Horace!
ULYSSES
Oh yeah? Haven't you ever heard it's wrong to put
Descartes before the
Horace?
POLYPHEMUS
Be that as it may, Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am."
ULYSSES
Am what?
POLYPHEMUS
Am existing. Descartes felt that thought affirmed his
existence, so he
said, "I think, therefore I am."
ULYSSES
But he isn't!
In fact, he hasn't even been born yet.
Remember this is ancient Greece! Maybe
someday
Descartes will think, and therefore he will be, but
what if he only
guesses? Will he say, "I guess,
therefore I'm not"?
POLYPHEMUS
What a strange idea! Who are you?
ULYSSES
Me? I'm nobody. But then, I'm only guessing.
POLYPHEMUS
You mean you've lost your sense of identity.
ULYSSES
No, I'm sure it's around here someplace.
POLYPHEMUS
I see. Well, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my supper.
The Cyclops picks up a member of Ulysses' crew (not Psychosis, Psoriasis or Cirrhosis) and smashes him against the wall, and then eats him.
ULYSSES
My gods! What are you doing??? You're
eating a
member of my crew! That's
repulsive!
POLYPHEMUS
Oh, the meat's a bit stringy, but he's not all that bad!
ULYSSES
Aren't you afraid the gods will punish
you for eating
people?
POLYPHEMUS
The gods have nothing to do with our
destinies!
We are the masters of
our fates! We have free will!
You must tell me your thoughts about free will!
ULYSSES
Do I have any choice?
POLYPHEMUS
Exactly!
ULYSSES
Free will! Let's see... Free
will is much better than
the expensive kind.
I myself am a victim of the high
cost of will these days.
Do you realize I have to pay
myself five gold drachmas just to will
myself out of
bed in the morning? But
where there's a will there's
a way. And
where there's a free will there's a freeway
– and I wish I were on it.
POLYPHEMUS
Fascinating. But I believe we've had enough
ruminations for one evening.
Ulysses' crew have been cowering in the back of the cave. Now Cirrhosis steps forward and speaks:
CIRRHOSIS
I had an aunt with ruminations.
ULYSSES
Shut up!
Ulysses hits Cirrhosis with the rubber chicken.
POLYPHEMUS
We'll continue our discussion in the
morning. Now
I'm going to place
this boulder in the entrance
of my cave, so you will have to remain as my
guests.
Polyphemus moves the huge boulder so that it blocks the mouth of the cave.
POLYPHEMUS
Goodnight.
Polyphemus blows out the torch which has been lighting the cave, and everything is plunged into darkness. We hear voices in the dark:
PSORIASIS
Quick-witted Ulysses, what are we going
to
do now?
ULYSSES
Well, we could always panic.
VARIOUS CREWMEN
(screaming)
Help!
Help! Someone save us!
I don't want to die!
I'm too
young to die! We can't die! It's too early in
the picture!
Get us out of here!
POLYPHEMUS
If you don't all quiet down, I may decide
to have a
midnight snack.
Abruptly, there is absolute silence.
POLYPHEMUS
That's better.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAVE - MORNING
The next morning, Polyphemus rolls away the stone blocking the entrance to the cave, and lets the herd of sheep out his cave.
HOMER
(V.O.)
The next morning, the Cyclops took
his sheep
out to graze.
Polyphemus calls to Ulysses and his men who are still inside the cave.
POLYPHEMUS
I trust you fellows won't try anything
while I'm
away. I would hate to
have to punish you before
I eat you.
He rolls the huge stone back in front of the entrance to the cave, trapping Ulysses and his men inside.
INT. INSIDE POLYPHEMUS' CAVE - DAY
Ulysses and his crew are gathered together making plans.
ULYSSES
What sort of provisions did you men bring?
PSYCHOSIS
Fifty-two sacks of wine and a loaf of bread.
CIRRHOSIS
What are we going to do with all that
bread?
Ulysses hits Cirrhosis with a rubber chicken.
ULYSSES
That wine give me an idea.
When the Cyclops comes
back tonight, I'll get him drunk.
Then, as soon as he's
unconscious and completely defenseless... I'll rub
poison ivy all over his face!!!
PSORIASIS
But we don't have any poison ivy.
Why don't he heat
up a big long stick, and plunge it into the Cyclops'
eye?
ULYSSES
Psoriasis, that's the cruelest,
dirtiest, most underhanded
trick I've ever heard. And I'm ashamed. I'm
ashamed I
didn't think of it myself. Now
where are we going to
find a big long stick?
PSORIASIS
What about the Cyclops' staff?
ULYSSES
One cyclops is enough to worry about.
Let's leave his
business associates out of this.
PSORIASIS
I mean his crooked staff.
ULYSSES
I didn't think he'd have honest people working for him.
PSORIASIS
No no no! I mean the pole...
ULYSSES
I don't care what their nationalities
are. I don't want to
involve anyone
from the Cyclops' staff. No I want
all
you men to look for a big long stick... like the one the
Cyclops uses to
herd his sheep with.
EXT. THE ENTRANCE TO THE CAVE - EVENING
Polyphemus returns with his sheep.
HOMER
(V.O.)
That evening, the Cyclops returned.
Polyphemus rolls the stone away from the opening of the cave.
INT. INSIDE THE CAVE - EVENING
Polyphemus enters with his sheep.
POLYPHEMUS
Who shall I have for dinner tonight?
ULYSSES
Wait a minute, Cyclops.
Wouldn't you like some
wine before dinner?
POLYPHEMUS
Wine?
Did you say wine? I adore
wine, and we
never get any on this island!
Bring me the wine
at once!
ULYSSES
We've already poured some into your
goblet.
Ulysses and his men drag a giant, Cyclops-sized goblet, filled with wine, over to Polyphemus, who picks it up and drinks it.
POLYPHEMUS
Ah, there is nothing better than wine!
Let us sing praises
to the god of wine!
Sign praises to Bacchus. Don't
you
love singing to Bacchus?
ULYSSES
Actually, I prefer smoking tobacchus...
or chewing
tobacchus...
Polyphemus drains his goblet.
POLYPHEMUS
That was magnificent. Do you have any other sort of wine?
ULYSSES
Sure. What would you like?
POLYPHEMUS
Could you treat me to some Chablis?
ULYSSES
I don't see why not.
You've been treating me Chablis
since I got here.
Men! Let's have some Chablis for
the Cyclops!
Ulysses pour more wine into Polyphemus' goblet.
POLYPHEMUS
My name is Polyphemus. What is your name?
ULYSSES
Don't you remember?
I'm Nobody, the one with the
identity crisis.
POLYPHEMUS
All right, Nobody, let's drink!
Polyphemus drains his glass of Chablis in a single gulp.
POLYPHEMUS
More wine! More wine!
Ulysses' men pour more wine for Polyphemus.
POLYPHEMUS
Hey, Nobody, you know what I'm going to do.
ULYSSES
I'll lay odds you don't know what you're going to do.
POLYPHEMUS
What?
ULYSSES
I give up.
POLYPHEMUS
I give up too.
ULYSSES
You do? Then you'll let us go free?
POLYPHEMUS
No, but to show my appreciation, I'm
going to eat
you last of all.
ULYSSES
What?
I've given you the best years of my wine cellar,
and this is the thanks I
get? You want me to watch
while you
eat my entire crew! My men, my
dearest
friends and companions. If
you really wanted to show
your appreciation, you would spare me that gruesome
sight!
POLYPHEMUS
You want me to eat you first?
ULYSSES
No!
I want you to let me out of here! When
I'm gone,
then you can eat!
POLYPHEMUS
Sorry. I can't do that. The
most I'll do is eat you last.
Take
it or leave it.
ULYSSES
But that's absurd.
POLYPHEMUS
Well, we all know what Kierkegaard said about the absurd.
ULYSSES
Yes, but what don't you remind us, in case we've forgotten.
POLYPHEMUS
Wait a minute! I want to make sure I get this right.
Polyphemus goes to a bookcase filled with giant, Cyclops-sized books, and takes out a copy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.
ULYSSES
I see you have a copy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.
POLYPHEMUS
I have two copies.
ULYSSES
Oh, a Bartlett's pair!
Polyphemus searches in the book and finds the quote from Kierkegaard.
POLYPHEMUS
Here it is! As Soren Kierkegaard said,
"The absurd is
not one of the factors that can be discriminated within
the
proper compass of the understanding."
ULYSSES
As Groucho Marx said, "Is this on
the level, or are
you making it up as you go along?"
POLYPHEMUS
I assure you, Kierkegaard was a great
man. He is the
father of
Existentialism.
ULYSSES
Funny, it doesn't look anything like him.
Polyphemus tries to take another sip of wine, but is so drunk he pours half of it down his chest.
ULYSSES
Hey, Poly, you'd better lie down. I think you've had enough.
POLYPHEMUS
I'm as sober as you are, Mr. Nobody.
ULYSSES
Oh yeah? Let's see you walk a straight line with one
eye closed!
POLYPHEMUS
You're on!
Polyphemus closes his one eyes and walks straight into the wall of his cave, knocking himself cold.
ULYSSES
Okay, men! Let's get that stick ready and drive it home!
The crew take Polyphemus' staff and sharpen one end of it. Then they heat the sharpened end over a fire. Finally, they take it and plunge the sharp end into Polyphemus' eyes. Polyphemus yelps, and stomps around in pain.
POLYPHEMUS
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Boy, that stings!
INT. THE CAVE OF GEORGE AND MARTHA CYCLOPS - NIGHT
We switch to another cave, this one belonging to GEORGE and MARTHA CYCLOPS. George sits in his rocking chair, reading the newspaper. Martha knits. The cries of Polyphemus Cyclops can be heard in the distance.
MARTHA CYCLOPS
Oh dear, I think I hear Polyphemus screaming.
GEORGE CYCLOPS
He must be drunk again.
I swear I don't know where
he gets that wine.
MARTHA
George, would you go see if he's all right?
GEORGE
All right, but I'm sure it's just
booze.
George reluctantly gets out of his rocking chair.
EXT. THE ENTRANCE TO POLYPHEMUS' CAVE - NIGHT
George Cyclops comes up to the entrance to Polyphemus' cave and raps on the boulder which is blocking the entrance. The Cyclops' cries of pain can be heard from inside.
GEORGE
Poly!
Poly, are you all right in there? Poly?
Is
something wrong in there?
POLYPHEMUS
(from inside the cave)
Nobody is killing me!
GEORGE CYCLOPS
That's nice. Now what seems to be the trouble?
POLYPHEMUS
(from inside the cave)
Nobody put my eye out!
GEORGE CYCLOPS
That's good news, Poly.
It isn't very nice to have
your eye put out.
You should be glad nobody's
done it.
POLYPHEMUS
(from inside the cave)
You don't understand!!!
GEORGE CYCLOPS
Poly, do you want someone to put your
eye out?
I really don't think you'd
like that. I think it would
hurt.
Of course, I'm not speaking from experience,
but I should imagine it's
quite painful.
POLYPHEMUS
(from inside the cave)
Nobody put my eye out!
GEORGE CYCLOPS
Poly, have you been drinking?
POLYPHEMUS
(from inside the cave)
Yes! Nobody gave me some wine!
GEORGE CYCLOPS
Why don't you just lie down and
get some rest.
I'm sure you'll feel
much better in the morning.
As Polyphemus continues to cry out in pain, George Cyclops sadly shakes his head and goes back to his own cave.
INT. POLYPHEMUS' CAVE - NIGHT
The blinded Cyclops rages at Ulysses.
POLYPHEMUS
I'll get you for this, Nobody.
You'll never leave this
cave alive!
You hear me? You will never leave the
cave alive! You're a dead man!
ULYSSES
Does that mean I can leave the cave?
Polyphemus lunges at the sound of Ulysses' voice, but Ulysses dodges around him, and the Cyclops bangs his head on the wall of the cave. Ulysses creeps over to his crew and whispers to them.
ULYSSES
Men, when the Cyclops lets his sheep
out to graze,
we'll crawl out with them!
PSORIASIS
A brilliant idea!
PSYCHOSIS
Yeah. We'll really pull the wool over his eye!
The crew crawl in among the sheep.
EXT. THE ENTRANCE TO POLYPHEMUS' CAVE - DAY
Ulysses and his men crawl out of the cave among the sheep.
HOMER
(V.O.)
And so, they took it on the lamb.
EXT. THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP - DAY
Ulysses and his crew sail away from Cyclops Island.
ULYSSES
Hey, you guys, now that we got away,
listen
to me tell that big bum off.
Ulysses shouts back to the shore.
ULYSSES
Hey, Polyphemus, your mother wears army boots!
EXT. THE SHORE OF CYCLOPS ISLAND - DAY
Polyphemus stands on the shore, listening. He shouts in the direction of Ulysses' voice.
POLYPHEMUS
I'll have you know my father is
Poseidon, the God
of the Seas!
EXT. THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP - DAY
ULYSSES
Okay then. Your mother wears navy boots.
EXT. THE SHORE OF CYCLOPS ISLAND - DAY
POLYPHEMUS
My father is Poseidon, and he will
punish you for this,
Nobody!
ULYSSES
(off-screen)
My name's Ulysses!
POLYPHEMUS
You will never reach your home, Ulysses!
ULYSSES
(off-screen)
Oh yeah? How are you going to stop me?
Polyphemus picks up a large boulder and hurls it at the sound of Ulysses' voice.
EXT. THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP - DAY
The boulder just misses the ship. Everyone on the deck is soaked by the splash.
ULYSSES
Touchy, isn't he?
HOMER
(V.O.)
Next they landed on the island of
Aeolus, the
God of the Winds.
EXT. THE SHORE OF AEOLUS' ISLAND - DAY
Ulysses and his crew come ashore on the island of AEOLUS, the God of the Winds. Aeolus, who acts like a British upper-class twit, comes to greet them.
AEOLUS
Well, if it isn't Ulysses! What a surprise. How are you?
ULYSSES
Lucky to be alive!
We just escaped from a horrible
man-eating giant with one eye named Polyphemus.
AEOLUS
You don't say.
What was the name of his other eye?
Ulysses slaps Psychosis with a rubber chicken.
PSYCHOSIS
Ow! What did you hit me for?
ULYSSES
I can't hit Aeolus! He's a god!
AEOLUS
Ulysses, I bid you and your men
welcome. I only
regret that I was
unable to prepare a more fitting
reception for you, but I wasn't expecting a
huge
boatload of crude, unwashed, troglodytes.
ULYSSES
But you're a god, living in a tropical
paradise! Aren't
you used to people
dropping in?
AEOLUS
No.
I'm afraid I'm entirely unused to swarms of filthy
sailors dropping in
with no advance notice whatsoever.
My
fault, I suppose. If I knew more
people who were
inconsiderate lowlife boors, then I might be more
accustomed to
such things.
ULYSSES
Well, here we are, and what can you do.
AEOLUS
I can't kill you, I suppose.
That would be against the rules
of hospitality.
ULYSSES
Yes, and according to those rules of
hospitality, you're
supposed to give us presents.
AEOLUS
Oh yes. Lucky, lucky me.
ULYSSES
I'm really surprised you don't get more visitors.
AEOLUS
Yes, I can't think why I don't, unless
it's because of the great
horrible tearing winds I send out to destroy all boats
that
come anywhere near this island. The
boats sink, and
everyone drowns.
ULYSSES
Funny. We didn't see any winds like that.
AEOLUS
Because I didn't expect you!
I told you I didn't know you
were coming!
ULYSSES
I'm sorry.
AEOLUS
Well, as long as you're here, I might
as well introduce you to
my children. Come
along.
ULYSSES
All right. You men stay here and guard the ship!
Ulysses goes off with Aeolus, leaving the crew behind.
EXT. THE ISLAND OF AEOLUS - DAY
Ulysses and Aeolus walk toward Aeolus' palace.
ULYSSES
It must get awfully lonely for your
children out here with no
visitors.
AEOLUS
That's not a problem.
Fortunately, I have six sons and six
daughters, so I married them to each
other.
ULYSSES
But isn't that incest?
AEOLUS
No.
ULYSSES
No?
AEOLUS
No. Incest are little bugs. Come inside and I'll introduce you.
INT. AEOLUS' PALACE - DAY
Ulysses and Aeolus enter Aeolus' palace, where they are greeted by Aeolus' twelve Children: THESEUS and HIPPOLYTA, LYSANDER and HERMIA, DEMETRIUS and HELENA, OBERON and TITANIA, TROILUS and CRESSIDA, and IRVING and SHELIA.
AEOLUS
Ulysses, I'd like you to meet my
children, Theseus and Hippoltya;
Lysander and Hermia; Demetrius and Helena;
Oberon and Titania;
Troilus and Crescida, and Irving and Shelia.
Sheila is a big husky man who is dressed as a woman. He has a mustache and a deep bass voice.
SHELIA
Hello.
ULYSSES
Wait a minute! Sheila's a man.
SHELIA
No I'm not.
AEOLUS
No she isn't.
ULYSSES
Yes she is!
SHELIA
I'm not.
ULYSSES
You've got a mustache!
AEOLUS
I never said she was pretty.
Do you have any family,
Ulysses?
ULYSSES
Yes, I've got a wife named Penelope, a
son named Telemachus,
and a dog named Argos.
He doesn't have a nose, and he
smells terrible, but that dog is just like
a member of the family!
AEOLUS
Really? Which member of the family is he just like?
Ulysses hits himself on the head with the rubber chicken.
EXT. THE ISLAND OF AEOLUS - DAY
Ulysses and Aeolus leave Aeolus' palace and walk back toward the shore.
AEOLUS
Now that you've met the children, you'd
better be
going. I'd like to say
how very much I've enjoyed
your visit, but I'm not good at lying.
ULYSSES
There is the matter of the gift...
AEOLUS
Oh, all right.
I'll tell you what... If you
give me your word
that you'll never come back here again, I'll give you a sack
full of wind.
ULYSSES
Wind?
AEOLUS
What did you expect?
I am the god of the winds, you know.
It's not as if I were the god of gold or diamonds.
No, I get to
be god of air moving around.
One step above being the god
of phlegm.
Still, it's not such a bad gift, all in all.
ULYSSES
It isn't?
AEOLUS
You want to get home to Ithaca, don't
you? I'll give you a
sack containing all the winds which might keep you from
getting home.
ULYSSES
Aeolus, you've got yourself a deal!
AEOLUS
I must warn you, under no circumstances
should you
open the sack before you are safely home in Ithaca.
If you do, you will find yourself in the midst of a typhoon.
ULYSSES
Don't worry about that.
I'll see that the sack isn't
opened.
You can count on it!
EXT. THE SHIP AT SEA - DAY
Ulysses and his crew are sailing home. They have almost reached Ithaca. A huge sack covers much of the deck.
HOMER
(V.O.)
And so they sailed for home.
Everything was going
smoothly, and they were almost within sight of
Ithaca,
when...
Ulysses speaks to his crew.
He is very, very tired.
ULYSSES
Men, I know you've been wondering
what's in this
sack that Aeolus gave me. It
contains all the winds
which might have kept us from reaching Ithaca safely.
Therefore, it is extremely important that we keep
the sack shut.
MEMBERS OF THE CREW
Yes, noble Ulysses!
... We understand!
... We
will keep the sack
shut!
ULYSSES
I know there are rumors going
around that I've got
treasures hidden in the sack which I don't want to
share with you. Nothing could be further
from the
truth! The only thing in
this sack is wind!
MEMBERS OF THE CREW
We believe you, honest Ulysses!
... We would not
doubt the
word of our captain!
ULYSSES
Good!
Because I've been guarding this sack for nine
straight days and nights,
and I'm beginning to get a
little sleepy. But
if I fall asleep, and you clowns open
the sack, then we'll be in a terrible
mess.
MEMBERS OF THE CREW
We will not touch it, mighty
Ulysses! ... We will not
touch the sack!
ULYSSES
Because if you open it, there will
be typhoons and
hurricanes, and all kinds of terrible winds!
MEMBERS OF THE CREW
We would never open the sack,
magnificent Ulysses! ...
You may sleep soundly knowing we will obey your
every command!
ULYSSES
It's nice to hear you say that, but
I can't help feeling the
minute my back is turned, some idiot is going to open
the sack!
MEMBERS OF THE CREW
Never! ... You shame us! ... We would not think of it!
ULYSSES
Because there's no treasure in the
sack! No gold!
No
silver! No jewelry!
MEMBERS OF THE CREW
We believe you, great Ulysses! ... We believe you!
ULYSSES
All right.
I'm so tired, I have to trust you, but I bet I'm
making the biggest
mistake of my life.
MEMBERS OF THE CREW
Do not think such ill of us!
... We would kill any man
who
would dare to go near the sack!
ULYSSES
But I know you're going to do it!!!
MEMBERS OF THE CREW
Trust us, brave Ulysses!
... We would not touch the
sack
if it contained all the gold in Greece!
ULYSSES
Okay. Okay. I'm going
to sleep.
Ulysses starts to go into the interior of the ship, but he quickly turns around to stare at the crew. They haven't moved. He disappears into the ship, but an instant later he sticks his head back out. The crew hasn't moved. He tries this trick again, but the crew still hasn't moved. Ulysses sighs, shakes his head, and goes into the ship. The crew waits for a beat, then all of them jump on the sack, ripping it open. The winds pour out!
EXT. THE SHIP AT SEA (MINIATURE) - DAY
As the winds pour out of the sack, the ship takes off into the air and zooms back and forth and up and down like a balloon when the air is released. Eventually, the ship falls back into the sea.
EXT. THE DECK OF THE SHIP - DAY
The men are scattered all over the deck. Ulysses staggers out.
ULYSSES
Thanks, men. I knew I could count on you.
HOMER
(V.O)
So once again, they sailed through
unknown
waters. Finally they landed
upon the island of
Circe the Sorceress.
EXT. THE DECK OF THE SHIP, OFF THE SHORE OF CIRCE'S ISLAND - DAY
The ship is anchored off the shore of Circe's island. Ulysses addresses his crew.
ULYSSES
Okay men, we've come to another island.
That
means it's time to get more presents!
I'm going
ashore alone.
I'm not giving you guys a chance
to screw everything up.
This time, I'm going to
do it all myself!
Suddenly a bedraggled STRANGER runs from the interior of the island down to the shore and shouts to the men on the ship.
STRANGER
Go back! Go back if you value your lives!
There is
danger here! Go
back! Auuuugh!
The Stranger screams a pitiful cry and drops dead. Ulysses resumes speaking to his crew.
ULYSSES
As I was saying, I want you men to go
ashore and
scout around, while I stay here and guard the ship.
If you meet any gods who are handing out presents,
report back to me at
once. I'm still in charge of
present-receiving. So goodbye, good luck, and
good riddance!
The crew reluctantly leaves the ship and heads into the island. Ulysses waves goodbye to them.
ULYSSES
Have a nice time!
Try not to get eaten.
Ulysses sits back on a deck chair as the men disappear into
the interior of the island.
EXT. CIRCE'S PALACE - DAY
The men approach a grand palace. CIRCE, an extremely sexy sorceress, steps out of the palace to great them.
CIRCE
Well, look who's here!
It's men! Big, strong,
handsome
men!
All the crew members look behind to see who she could be speaking to.
CIRCE
Hello, men!
CIRRHOSIS
What's that?
PSYCHOSIS
I don't know!
PSORIASIS
I remember! That's a woman!
CIRCE
Oh you poor men!
You must have been at sea an
awfully long time.
My name is Circe. I hope you
can stay and visit with me.
PSYCHOSIS
Oh yeah! We can do that!
CIRRHOSIS
I can't think of anyone we'd rather visit!
PSORIASIS
What about Ulysses?
CIRRHOSIS
No, I'd rather visit her.
PSORIASIS
I mean what are we going to do about Ulysses?
CIRCE
Do any of you men want to come into my
house
and visit with me? I haven't
had any men to visit
with me for such a long time.
Please come in!
PSORIASIS
What about Ulysses?
PSYCHOSIS
Who's Ulysses?
CIRCE
I'll see you men inside.
Circe glides sensuously into her palace. All the crew members rush in after them, except Psoriasis follows reluctantly.
INT. CIRCE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
The crew rushes in after Circe, until they see something which causes them to stop dead in their tracks. They see that the house is filled with wild animals, including a full grown lion that CIRCE is petting.
CIRCE
I want you men to say hello to all my friends!
PSORIASIS
Lady, that's a full grown lion!
CIRCE
Oh, he's just a big old pussy cat!
And I love to
play with him. And
he just loves to kiss me!
Don't you
love to kiss me? Kiss me!
She snuggles with the lion. She kisses the lion, and the lion nuzzles her.
PSORIASIS
(frightened)
W-w-w-w wow. W-w-w-w-would
you do that?
Circe continues to cuddle with the lion, who licks her face.
CIRCE
Kiss me. That's right. Kiss me.
PSYCHOSIS
Sure I would. Just get that lion out of there!
PSORIASIS
I'm going to get Ulysses.
While Circe's attention is on the lion, Psoriasis sneaks out
of the room, but he lingers just outside the door to watch what happens next.
Circe turns her attention back to Ulysses' crew.
CIRCE
Why don't all you handsome men have a
drink
with me?
Circe leads the mean to a table that has enough goblets for all the men to drink from. Circe and each man takes a goblet and raises it in a toast.
CIRCE
Here's to you . . . men!
Circe starts to raise her goblet but doesn't drink. All the men drink, and are miraculously transformed into pigs!
CIRCE
Oh, what cute little piggies!
Watching from just outside the door, Psoriasis is horrified!
EXT. OUTSIDE CIRCE'S PALACE - DAY
In a panic, Psoriasis runs from the palace.
EXT. THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP - DAY
Ulysses is still relaxing in a deck chair. Psoriasis runs in from the island!
ULYSSES
Hey, Psoriasis, find any present-givers?
PSORIASIS
There's a woman... a beautiful woman..
she invited us
into her house, and everyone else drank wine with her,
and then
the crew became swine!
ULYSSES
I'm not surprised!
PSORIASIS
Ulysses, they are truly pigs!
ULYSSES
I'll say!
PSORIASIS
Animals!
ULYSSES
And that's giving them the best of it!
PSORIASIS
This woman is a sorceress who
transformed your
men into pigs!
Ulysses sits up.
ULYSSES
Wait a minute. Do you mean oink-oink pigs?
PSORIASIS
Yes! Oink-oink pigs! What are you going to do?
ULYSSES
I don't know, but I hope she's Jewish.
Do you think it
would be safe for me to go and talk to her?
PSORIASIS
These men need your help!
But you must be careful!
Circe
is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,
and she may try to tempt you with
her body.
ULYSSES
You're absolutely right, Psoriasis.
It's my duty to
confront that woman!
Ulysses gets out of the deck chair.
EXT. MOUNT OLYMPUS - DAY
ZEUS and HERMES, two Greek gods, and ATHENA, a Greek goddess, are up on Mount Olympus watching Ulysses on a device which looks something like a television set.
HOMER
(V.O.)
Meanwhile, up on Mount Olympus, the
gods were
watching.
HERMES
Why do we always have to watch
Ulysses? Isn't
there a war on?
ZEUS
Shut up. I'm Zeus, and I decide what we watch!
I want to watch Ulysses!
ATHENA
Oh Father, we must do something or
Ulysses will be
turned into a pig!
ZEUS
So? You got something against pigs?
ATHENA
That would be such a sad ending to the story!
ZEUS
I like sad endings!
Remember that one I pulled on Oedipus?
That was great! Then I got his daughter too!
ATHENA
Couldn't we have a happy ending just this once? Please?
ZEUS
Oh, all right!
Hermes, you go down and give Ulysses
something that'll protect him from
Circe. But Athena,
you know this is
going to make Poseidon sore as hell.
He
hates Ulysses for blinding his son the Cyclops.
Athena hugs Zeus in gratitude.
ATHENA
Thank you, Father!
ZEUS
(brushing her off)
Yeah, yeah.
Hermes goes to save Ulysses.
EXT. CIRCE'S ISLAND, THE PATH TO CIRCE'S PALACE - DAY
Hermes appears on the island, on the path to Circe's palace. He looks around, and then snaps his fingers. Instantly, he magically causes a saloon to appear. There is a big neon sign in front which reads: HERME'S SALOON. A moment later, Ulysses comes up the path. Hermes invites him to come into the saloon.
HERMES
Hey, buddy, come on inside.
Hermes enters the saloon, and Ulysses follows him in.
INT. HERME'S SALOON - DAY
Hermes steps behind the bar. Ulysses sits on a barstool.
HERMES
Listen, buddy, if you're going to see Circe...
ULYSSES
Who?
HERMES
Circe! The beautiful sorceress!
If you're going to see
her, you'd better be careful. She could turn you
into an animal!
ULYSSES
So?
HERMES
So?
What do you mean so? Aren't
you amazed that you
could turn into an animal?
ULYSSES
What's so amazing about that?
I was just walking down the
path, and I turned into a saloon!
HERMES
You got a rubber chicken on you?
Ulysses hands Hermes a rubber chicken.
ULYSSES
Here.
HERMES
Thanks.
Hermes hits Ulysses on the head with the rubber chicken. At that moment, a talking KANGAROO hops into the saloon and up to the bar.
KANGAROO
Hey, barkeeper! Get me a beer!
HERMES
(confidentially to Ulysses)
What do you know!
A talking kangaroo.
Say,
I'll bet a kangaroo doesn't know much
about the price of drinks.
I think I'll overcharge
her.
Hermes pours a glass of beer and hands it to the Kangaroo.
HERMES
That will be twenty drachmas.
The kangaroo reaches into her pouch, gets some money, and pays Hermes. Then she drinks her beer.
HERMES
You know, we don't get many talking kangaroos
in here.
KANGAROO
At these prices, I'm not surprised!
The Kangaroo hops out of the bar.
Can I have my rubber chicken back?
Hermes returns the rubber chicken to Ulysses, who hits Hermes on the head with it.
HERMES
As I was saying, you'll need something
to protect
you from Circe, something I've got right here:
a
magic herb the gods call moly.
ULYSSES
Holy Moly!
HERMES
Right! You eat the moly before you drink whatever
Circe gives you,
and you'll be fine.
ULYSSES
(taking the moly)
Thanks. What do I owe you for this?
HERMES
Forget about it!
The gods have crocks and
crocks of this stuff!
ULYSSES
Oh, a crock o' moly!
HERMES
Right. Oh, one more thing – Circe may try to seduce you.
ULYSSES
Just let her try!
HERMES
You won't give in?
ULYSSES
I didn't say that. I just said, let her try.
HERMES
When she sees that her magic hasn't
affected you,
she'll want to make you her love slave.
First make
her promise to turn your crew back into men, and
not to harm
you. Then you'll be fine.
ULYSSES
Thanks.
Ulysses exits.
EXT. CIRCE'S ISLAND, THE PATH TO CIRCE'S PALACE - DAY
Ulysses walks away from the saloon. Then he turns back, and finds the saloon has vanished without a trace. Ulysses shrugs, and continues along the path.
INT. CIRCE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ulysses bursts into Circe's palace and confronts her.
ULYSSES
Circe, what's this I hear about you
turning
my men into pigs? Don't you
know there
are laws against redundancy?
CIRCE
It's a man!!!
ULYSSES
You noticed that, did you?
CIRCE
A big strong man!
ULYSSES
Never mind big, strong me, what about
all my
little, weak crew?
CIRCE
But I don't have any of your men.
Poor little Circe
doesn't have any men at all!
Won't you be my
big strong man?
ULYSSES
That depends. What will you be?
CIRCE
Why don't I fix you a drink.
ULYSSES
All right, but that isn't going to change anything.
CIRCE
That's what you think!
Circe goes to prepare Ulysses a drink of her magic potion.
While she's getting it ready, Ulysses eats the moly which Hermes gave to
him. Circe gives Ulysses a goblet
with the potion. He drinks it and
nothing happens. She is astounded.
CIRCE
You're... you're not a pig!
ULYSSES
That's the first time a woman's ever
said that
to me!
CIRCE
Only one man could possibly withstand
the
power of my magic. You must be
Ulysses!
And I must have you for my
love slave!
ULYSSES
Not unless you restore my crew and
promise
not to harm me!
CIRCE
Oh, all right.
If you promise to be my love slave for
one year, I'll turn your men back,
and I won't hurt
you or any of your men!
ULYSSES
Love slave, eh? You've got a deal!
CIRCE
Wonderful. Okay, slave, first I'd love for you to
take out the garbage,
then I'd love for you to
clean up the kitchen...
ULYSSES
Wait a minute.
Don't you want to take me to your
bed?
CIRCE
I'd love for you to make the bed after
you clean up
the kitchen.
ULYSSES
But I thought you'd want me to make
love to you!
CIRCE
I'll have you know I have standards!
ULYSSES
That's okay. I have penicillin.
CIRCE
I mean I have standards. Any man
I take as a lover
will need a lot of money
ULYSSES
I need a lot of money. Besides,
Circe is
supposed to go
to bed with Ulysses!
Everyone knows
that!
CIRCE
Not in the comedy version!
There's nothing funny
about making love to a beautiful woman.
ULYSSES
There is the way I do it!!!
CIRCE
Sorry. I don't think adultery is funny.
Go take out the
garbage.
EXT. OUTSIDE CIRCE'S PALACE - DAY
A year passes. Ulysses and his crew are mow the lawn, clip the hedges, and wash the windows, and empty the lion's enormous kitty litter box.
HOMER
(V.O.)
Finally, a year passed, and Ulysses
and his crew were
allowed to leave.
EXT. A PATH NEAR CIRCE'S PALACE - DAY
Ulysses and Circe and Circe's pet lion are walking along a path, talking privately.
ULYSSES
One thing before we go.
I was hoping you might
give me some directions back to Ithaca.
We're
lost and don't know where to go.
CIRCE
Go to Hades.
ULYSSES
There's no need to be rude.
CIRCE
I'm serious. Go to Hades and ask the spirit of Tiresias
the prophet what
you should do. He'll tell you how
to
get home.
ULYSSES
Oh no!
CIRCE
You don't want to go to Hades?
ULYSSES
I wouldn't be caught dead in that place!
CIRCE
It's the only way you'll ever get home.
ULYSSES
I suppose I could always just stay
here.
After all, you promised not
to harm me.
CIRCE
I promised. But Leon didn't promise.
Did
you Leon?
Circe turns to the lion who roars at Ulysses.
HOMER
(V.O.)
And so they all sailed to Hades.
EXT. ULYSSES'
SHIP AT SEA -
DAY
Ulysses' ship sails into a huge fog bank, and the film fades
to black and white, and remains in black and white throughout the entire Hades
sequence.
ULYSSES
We must be nearing Hades.
PSORIASIS
How can you tell?
ULYSSES
The film just switched to black and
white.
EXT. THE SHORE OF
HADES - DAY
Ulysses' ship anchors at the shore of Hades. There is a large sign on the beach saying "WELCOME TO HADES." Several DEAL SOULS, looking like zombies, wander along the beach. ULYSSES turns to Psoriasis.
ULYSSES
Psoriasis, have the men mix up some
milk,
honey, grain and goat's blood. That's
what Circe
said we have to feed the dead to get them to
talk to us.
PSORIASIS
It's being prepared.
ULYSSES
Good.
EXT. A FOOD TROUGH IN HADES - DAY
Several members of the crew prepare the food for the dead and pour it into a large trough. The DEAD run up to the trough and begin to eat.
A DEAD MAN
Needs salt.
EXT. A CENTRAL AREA OF HADES - DAY
Ulysses wanders through Hades, searching for Tiresias. Suddenly, he hears the voice of his MOTHER.
MOTHER
Ulysses!
ULYSSES
Mom! What are you going here?
Ulysses' Mother is a dead spirit.
MOTHER
What should I be doing in Hades? You
think
maybe I came here for my health?
ULYSSES
You mean you're dead?
MOTHER
You always were a bright boy.
ULYSSES
But I didn't know you died!
MOTHER
Why should you know?
Since when did you take
an interest?
ULYSSES
Oh Mom!
MOTHER
Six years I've been dead.
You don't visit, you don't
call. You
never even sent a postcard. What
took
you so long to come and see me?
ULYSSES
How'd you die, Mom?
MOTHER
How could I live without my little
Ulysses? After you
went off to war,
I died of a mother's loneliness.
ULYSSES
Oh Mom!
MOTHER
That and a touch of smallpox.
ULYSSES
I'm sorry.
MOTHER
Sure.
Now you're sorry. I'm dead,
so now you're
sorry. Isn't that
just like a son.
ULYSSES
I feel terrible.
MOTHER
You should. But I forgive you. At
least you finally came
to visit. Can
you sat for dinner? We're having
grain
and goat's blood.
A huge boulder rolls past Ulysses and his mother. The dead spirit of Sisyphus chases after it.
ULYSSES
Thanks, Mom, but I already ate.
MOTHER
You don't eat enough.
ULYSSES
I eat fine.
MOTHER
A little grain and goat's blood would do wonders for you.
ULYSSES
Actually, Mom, I was hoping to talk with Tiresias.
MOTHER
Ah!
Tiresias! I should have
known! Of course you
wouldn't come
to see me! I'm only your mother!
You came to talk to Tiresias, a perfect stranger.
ULYSSES
Oh, Mom.
Ulysses' Mother marches away. Sisyphus pushes the giant boulder back in the direction it rolled from a few moments ago. TIRESIAS, the dead prophet, walks up to Ulysses.
TIRESIAS
My name is Tiresias. I believe you are looking for me.
ULYSSES
That's right. I'm...
TIRESIAS
(interrupting)
All is known to me!
You are poor, wretched Ulysses,
most unfortunate of men!
Unhappy was the day you
blinded Polyphemus the Cyclops, for that day you
incurred the wrath of his father, Poseidon the Earth-shaker!
He will heap such sorrows on your head that you will
curse the day the
gods gave you life!
ULYSSES
Who writes your dialogue? Sophocles?
TIRESIAS
When you leave Hades, Poseidon will see
that your ship sails
past the island of the Sirens.
The Sirens sing songs that drive
sailors insane!
ULYSSES
Seriously?
TIRESIAS
Certainly! You and your men must fill your ears with wax so
that you
cannot hear the Siren's song. Otherwise,
you will surely
sail into the surging surf and sink.
ULYSSES
That sounds like quite a song.
TIRESIAS
If you wish to hear it, have your men
bind you to the mast.
Tell them not
to release you until you are far from the
Siren's Island.
ULYSSES
Right.
TIRESIAS
Then you will sail past the six headed
monster Scylla, who
will devour six of your crew. After that, you will reach the
Island of Helios, the Sun God.
If you and your men do not
eat any of his cattle, you will reach Ithaca
safely. But if the
cattle are
harmed, your ship will sink, and all your crew
will drown!
ULYSSES
Hey, you're giving away the whole plot!
TIRESIAS
Eventually, You will arrive home in
Ithaca, where you will
be forced to fight the suitors of your wife Penelope.
But
happiness will still elude you until you find a land where
the people
have never heard of Poseidon, Lord of the Seas.
There you must set up a shrine to Poseidon, to earn his
forgiveness.
The huge boulder rolls by again, with Sisyphus chasing it.
ULYSSES
Say, who is that guy?
TIRESIAS
That is Sisyphus.
He is condemned for all eternity to
push that boulder to the top of that
hill. Every time
he comes close to
reaching the summit, the boulder
slips away from him and rolls back down to the
bottom.
ULYSSES
What happens if he ever gets the rock to the top?
TIRESIAS
Then his torture will be over.
ULYSSES
Tiresias, Sisyphus is going to get that
rock up there!
I'll see to it
personally!
EXT. THE BOTTOM OF SISYPHUS' HILL - DAY
Ulysses' crew is helping Sisyphus push the boulder to the top of the hill. Ulysses is sitting in a chair at the bottom, shouting encouragement to his crew.
ULYSSES
That's right, men!
Keep pushing! You're almost there!
That's
right! That's right!
That's right! That's right!
No!
That's wrong! That's wrong!
Wrong! Wrong!
Wrong!
The boulder comes crashing down the hill and lands on Ulysses, crushing him flat. His voice comes weakly from under the huge boulder:
ULYSSES
Wrong.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SISYPHUS'S HILL, NEAR THE SUMMIT - DAY
Ulysses and Sisyphus are pushing the boulder up the hill. They've almost reached the summit.
ULYSSES
I never should have trusted my crew.
If you want
something done right, you've got to do it yourself!
Right, Sisyphus?
SISYPHUS stares at Ulysses, but says nothing. As they get almost to the top, the boulder suddenly can't be budged.
ULYSSES
We're just a few feet from the top.
Does the rock
always get stuck here?
Sisyphus nods.
ULYSSES
Then we'll just have to push harder!
Push!
They push harder, but the rock won't move. Something has to give, however, so Ulysses' and Sisyphus' feet begin to slide back down until Ulysses and Sisyphus are almost lying down, with the boulder towering over them. They've lost all their leverage.
ULYSSES
Oops!
The boulder rolls over Ulysses and Sisyphus, crushing them into the hill.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SISYPHUS'S HILL, NEAR THE SUMMIT - DAY
Once again, Ulysses and Sisyphus are pushing the boulder up the hill, and once again they've almost reached the summit. They reach the spot where the boulder gets stuck.
ULYSSES
Okay, you hold the rock here! I've got an idea!
Ulysses runs back down the hill. Sisyphus sweats. A moment later, Ulysses runs back with a can of oil, which he pours onto the ground at the top of the hill, in front of the boulder.
ULYSSES
This oil will make the hill slippery,
so we can move
the rock!
Sure enough, it works. The push on the boulder, and it moves!
ULYSSES
What did I tell you?
However, as Ulysses and Sisyphus go up the hill, they step into the pool of oil. Their feet slide out from under them, they fall, and the boulder rolls over them, smashing them into the oily hill.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SISYPHUS'S HILL, NEAR THE SUMMIT - DAY
Ulysses has built a lever on the hill at the point where the rock sticks. The boulder lies on the end of the lever nearest the top of the hill. There's a rock on the hill, under the middle of the lever, forming the fulcrum. Sisyphus and Ulysses holds the boulder in place, while Ulysses pushes down on the other end of the lever.
ULYSSES
Don't worry, Sisyphus, this is a
foolproof idea!
Sisyphus gives Ulysses a doubtful look.
ULYSSES
If we both push down on this end of the
lever,
the other end will rise and push the boulder to
the top of the hill!
Sisyphus joins Ulysses, and they both push down on their end of the lever, but the boulder won't move. They climb onto their end of the lever, and jump up and down. Finally the other end goes up, put instead of pushing the boulder up the hill, the lever lifts the boulder up like a rider on a teeter-totter. The boulder rolls down the length of the lever and on down the hill, crushing Ulysses and Sisyphus.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. THE BOTTOM OF SISYPHUS'S HILL - DAY
Ulysses and Psoriasis bid goodbye to Sisyphus at the foot of the hill. Sisyphus is ready to start pushing the rock again, and Ulysses and Psoriasis are ready to leave Hades.
ULYSSES
Sorry I can's stay and help you
anymore, Sisyphus,
but my wife is expecting me, and I'm several years
late
already. So good luck, and you just
keep on
pushing, okay?
Sisyphus gives Ulysses a look, and starts pushing the rock up the hill.
ULYSSES
Quick, Psoriasis, lets' get out of here, before...
PSORIASIS
Before what?
The boulder tumbles down the hill, crushing Ulysses under it.
ULYSSES
Before this.
EXT. THE HELM OF ULYSSES' SHIP - DAY
The ship has sailed away from Hades, so the film has gone from back and white back to color. Ulysses and Psoriasis stand at the helm.
HOMER
(V.O.)
And so, they sailed away from
Hades. But they
still had to face
the Sirens!
ULYSSES
We're almost there!
Psoriasis, I want you and all
the men to plug your ears with wax!
Keep your
ears plugged while we sail past the Sirens, or their
song will
drive you mad! When you've plugged
your ears, tie me to the mast! I
alone will hear
the Sirens singing!
PSORIASIS
But Ulysses, we don't have any wax!
ULYSSES
Then plug up your ears with
whatever you can find!
Hurry!
EXT. THE DECK OF ULYSSES' SHIP - DAY
Ulysses leaves the helm to inspect the crew. He finds that all the men have bananas in their ears.
ULYSSES
Men, you've got bananas in your ears!
The entire crew answers in unison.
CREW
What?
ULYSSES
I said, you've got bananas in your ears!
CREW
What?
ULYSSES
You've got bananas in your ears!!!
CREW
We're sorry, we can't hear you!
We've got
bananas in our ears.
PSYCHOSIS
I think we better tie him to the mast,
before he
beats us all with that rubber chicken.
Psychosis, Psoriasis and Cirrhosis tie Ulysses to the mast of the ship.
ULYSSES
Good.
We're approaching the Sirens' Island.
Soon
I will hear the song that drives men mad!
The crew goes back to rowing the ship.
EXT. THE SIRENS' ISLAND -_ DAY
The beautiful SIRENS stand on the shore of their island. One SIREN spots the approaching ship.
SIREN
Sisters! Come quickly! A
ship is coming.
We must sing for
the sailors. We must sing
the song
which drives men mad!
The Sirens line up along the shore and begin to sing:
SIRENS
(singing)
A hundred bottles of beer on the wall!
A hundred bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles should happen to fall -
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall!
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall!
Ninety-nine bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles should happen to fall -
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!
EXT. THE DECK OF THE SHIP -- DAY
Ulysses is bound to the mast. He is horrified as he realizes what he must listen to.
ULYSSES
No!
Not that song! Not that
song!
EXT. THE SIRENS' ISLAND -- DAY
The Sirens continue to sing, enjoying themselves. Some of them begin to dance as they sing.
SIRENS
(singing)
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the
wall,
Ninety-eight bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles should
happen to fall,
Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the
wall!
Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall,
Ninety-seven bottles of beer!
If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
Ninety-six bottles of beer on the
wall!
EXT. THE DECK OF THE SHIP -- DAY
Ulysses begins to go mad. He tries to break loose from his bonds, but he cannot.
ULYSSES
No! No! I can't stand it!
Psychosis watching Ulysses writing.
PSYCHOSIS
Wow, that must be some song.
I wish I could hear it.
The camera dollies in on Ulysses' eyes as he goes into shock.
ANIMATED SEQUENCE
The close-up of Ulysses becomes a cartoon of Ulysses. As the Sirens continue to sing, their song is illustrated by a cartoon in the surreal style of the old Max and Dave Fleischer cartoons. The pupils in Ulysses' eyes become bottles of beer. They march out of Ulysses' head, and are followed by more bottles. The bottles jump over the side of the ship and empty themselves out into the sea. The sea is filled with sharks, whose fins are shaped like bottles of beer. A mermaid pulls the fin off a shark and drinks the beer. She throws the bottle away, and the bottle becomes a ship sailing on the ocean. The ship has a smokestack which is shaped like a bottle of beer. The smokestack belches out bottles of beer. The gods of Mount Olympus grab the bottles of beer and throw them down on Ulysses, where the bottles break on his head. The cartoon and the song continue for as long as the audience can be expected to stand it. Then the singing speeds up until the words are indistinguishable, and the cartoon becomes a blur.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. THE DECK OF THE SHIP -- DAY
Ulysses is unconscious. Psychosis, Cirrhosis and Psoriasis are untying him from the mast. Ulysses begins to come to.
ULYSSES
Uh... what happened. Where am I?
PSORIASIS
We've sailed safely past the island of the Sirens.
PSYCHOSIS
We saw you writhing. That must have been some song.
ULYSSES
It was. I barely survived.
CIRRHOSIS
Here, you look like you could use this.
CIRRHOSIS hands Ulysses a bottle. Ulysses is horrified.
ULYSSES
What is that????
CIRRHOSIS
Wine. It's all that's left.
ULYSSES
Are you sure it's wine?
CIRRHOSIS
Of course I'm sure. You want me to taste it?
ULYSSES
Make sure it's wine!
Cirrhosis takes a sip.
CIRRHOSIS
It's wine all right!
Ulysses grabs the bottle and drinks deeply. It is wine. He relaxes.
ULYSSES
It is wine! Thank the Gods!
CIRRHOSIS
What did you expect?
A bottle of beer?
Ulysses flogs Cirrhosis savagely with a rubber chicken.
EXT. THE SHIP AT SEA -- EVENING
As the sun stets, the ship approaches the island where SCYLLA, the six-headed monster dwells.
HOMER
(V.O.)
But their problems were not over.
They were nearing
the rock where Scylla, the six-headed monster dwelt.
EXT. THE DECK OF THE SHIP -- NIGHT
Ulysses stands beside his crew, peering out into the fog and
darkness.
ULYSSES
We've got to be extremely alert!
Somewhere out
there is a gigantic, six-headed serpent named Scylla.
Do you see anything, Psoriasis?
The camera pans over to Psoriasis, who shakes his head no.
PSORIASIS
No.
Do you see anything, Cirrhosis?
The camera pans over to Cirrhosis, who shakes his head no.
CIRRHOSIS
No.
Do you see anything Psychosis?
The camera pans over to Psychosis, who shakes his head no.
PSYCHOSIS
No.
Do you see anything Scylla?
The camera pans over to Scylla, a gigantic, six-headed serpent who shakes his six heads no. Ulysses, Psoriasis, and Cirrhosis react in horror:
ULYSSES, PSORIASIS & CIRRHOSIS
(screaming)
Scylla????
Ahhhhh!
The entire screw runs around the ship in terror. Ulysses counts as each of Scylla's heads grabs a man to eat. (None of the sailors who are eaten is Psoriasis, Cirrhosis or Psychosis.)
ULYSSES
Tiresias said Scylla would only eat six
men.
One...
Two... Three...
Four... Five...
YIPE!!!
The last of Scylla's heads goes after Ulysses. Suddenly a SAILOR up on the ship's mast calls to Scylla.
SAILOR ON THE MAST
Ho, Monster! Leave Ulysses alone! Try
to eat me,
if you dare.
The last head of Scylla turns away from Ulysses and grabs the sailor on the mast. Then, having eaten six men, Scylla leaves the ship. Psoriasis speaks to Ulysses.
PSORIASIS
That man up on the mast, he gave his life for you.
ULYSSES
Yes, and I never got to thank him.
Who was that
mast man, anyway?
EXT. THE SHIP AT SEA -- DAY
This ship sails on to the Island of Helios, the Sun God.
HOMER
(V.O.)
On they sailed, until the reached
the Island of Helios,
the Sun God. Tiresias
had warned Ulysses that
if his men ate the Sun God's cattle, they would
surely
die!
The ship drops anchor of the shore of an island.
EXT. SHORE OF ISLAND OF HELIOS -- DAY
Ulysses addresses his crew.
ULYSSES
Men, I'm going to go looking for
someone to give us
presents. While
I'm gone, I want you to use
remember carefully what I tell you.
Remember
what happened when you opened the sack of winds?
If you eat any of the Sun God's cattle, it will be even
worse for you
than what happened then! Okay,
I'm
going now, but I want you to remember what I said.
Ulysses walks away from the crew and begins to explore the island.
EXT. ANOTHER PART OF HELIOS' ISLAND -- DAY
Ulysses wanders over the island.
HOMER
(V.O.)
Ulysses searched the entire island,
but could not
find anyone to give him presents.
Reluctantly,
he went back to where he had left the crew.
EXT. SHORE OF HELIOS' ISLAND -- DAY
Ulysses is shocked by what he sees. His crew has built an entire restaurant on the shore of the island. The restaurant has a big sign out front reading "SEAMAN'S HOUSE OF BEEF." Ulysses runs to the entrance of the restaurant, where he finds Psychosis.
PSYCHOSIS
Look! We built a restaurant!
How could you do this?
Didn't I tell you to
remember my warning!
PSYCHOSIS
We did remember!
We didn't open a single sack
of winds!
Ulysses runs into the restaurant.
INT. RESTAURANT -- DAY
Half of the crew are WAITERS and the other half are CUSTOMERS. Most of the customers are having soup, but some are having steak and others are having coffee. Cirrhosis is acting as the maitre d'.
CIRRHOSIS
Ulysses! Welcome to the only restaurant on the
island where you can
eat dirt cheap.
Ulysses watches the interaction between the customers and the
waiters.
CUSTOMER
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
WAITER
I think it's the backstroke.
CUSTOMER
This coffee is terrible!
WAITER
Don't complain about our coffee.
You too may be
old and weak one day.
CUSTOMER
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
WAITER
Don't worry. That spider on the bread will get him.
CUSTOMER
What kind of soup is this?
WAITER
It's bean soup.
CUSTOMER
I don't care what it's been; what is it now?
CUSTOMER
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
WAITER
So? How much can a little fly drink?
WAITER
How did you find your steak, sir?
CUSTOMER
I picked up a french fry, and there it was!
Where did this fly in my soup come
from?
WAITER
Well, first the daddy fly falls in love
with the
mommy fly...
CUSTOMER
I think I swallowed a bone!
WAITER
Are you choking?
CUSTOMER
No, I'm serious!!!
CUSTOMER
What's this fly doing in my soup?
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. MOUNT OLYMPUS -- DAY
Zeus goes berserk.
ZEUS
I can't take it any more!!!
Zeus begins hurling lightning bolts.
EXT. THE RESTAURANT ON HELIOS' ISLAND -- DAY
Lightning bolts explode around the restaurant. Ulysses and his crew come racing out. A lightning bolt hits the restaurant and it explodes. Ulysses and his men race for the ship as lightning bolts explode around them.
EXT. THE SHIP -- DAY
Ulysses and his men climb aboard the ship and set sail. A storm begins to rage. A lightning bolt hits the ship, and it explodes.
HOMER
(V.O.)
Ulysses was the only survivor of the
wrath of Zeus. He washed ashore on
the Island of Calypso.
EXT. THE SHORE OF CALYPSO'S ISLAND
Ulysses, nearly unconscious, washes in with the tide. He looks up and sees, standing before him, the beautiful goddess CALYPSO. Calypso is very similar to Circe.
CALYPSO
What a big strong handsome man.
Will you
be my love slave?
Ulysses drags himself to his feet and heads inland.
ULYSSES
Love slave. Yeah, sure. I
know. First I'd
love to paint your
house. Then I'd love to
take out
the garbage. Then I'd love to
clean
the kitchen.
HOMER
(V.O.)
For seven long years, Ulysses
cleaned the house f
or the goddess Calypso.
Then, finally, the god
Hermes appeared to set him free.
Calypso follows Ulysses to the interior of the island.
INT. CALYPSO'S PALACE -- DAY
Ulysses is housecleaning. Calypso is relaxing. There's a knock at the door.
CALYPSO
Ulysses, will you see who's at the door?
ULYSSES
Sure.
Ulysses exhausted from seven years of housework, opens the door. It's Hermes.
HERMES
Hey, Ulysses!
Long time no see! I've come
to send you back to Ithaca.
ULYSSES
What?
HERMES
Yeah.
Zeus didn't want to do it at first, but Athena
convinced him it was the
only way to end this picture.
I've
got a raft waiting for you at the shore. It'll
take you straight to Ithaca.
Ulysses can't believe his ears.
ULYSSES
I don't have to clean Calypso's house anymore?
HERMES
Nah.
I just told you. You can go
home. In fact you
better go now,
before Poseidon find out.
CALYPSO
You never had to clean my house, Ulysses.
ULYSSES
I didn't? But I've been cleaning your house for
seven years.
CALYPSO
That was your idea.
I would have preferred that
you'd spent that time making love to me.
ULYSSES
Making love? But why didn't you ask me?
CALYPSO
You always seemed so much more
interested
in cleaning my house than you were in me.
I figured you were gay.
ULYSSES
Gay?
HERMES
Yeah, I thought that too.
ULYSSES
I'm not gay!
HERMES
Whatever. You better take that raft back to Ithaca,
before Poseidon
finds out what you're doing.
ULYSSES
Wait a minute. I want to prove to Calypso I'm not gay!
CALYPSO
You don't have to prove anything to me.
I'm sure there
are lots of straight men who like housecleaning as much
as
you do!
ULYSSES
I don't like housecleaning! I hate housecleaning!
HERMES
Hey!
Remember, Poseidon is still mad at you for
blinding his son Polyphemus!
ULYSSES
She still thinks I'm gay!!!
Hermes grabs Ulysses and drags him out of the house.
HERMES
Sorry to use force, but I promised
Athena I'd get you
back to Ithaca.
Calypso waves goodbye as Ulysses is dragged away.
EXT. ULYSSES' RAFT AT SEA - DAY
Ulysses sits on a raft, floating to Ithaca. He stares silently at the wine dark sea, as his raft drifts slowly on to Ithaca.
EXT. SHORE OF ITHACA -- DAY
Ulysses raft finally lands on the shore of Ithaca. He trudges up the sand, and meets the beautiful goddess Athena.
ATHENA
Ulysses!
ULYSSES
If you want me to be your love slave,
you had better
define your terms! A
clear definition, that's not too
much to ask!
ATHENA
I am the goddess Athena, the goddess of wisdom!
ULYSSES
Wisdom? Really? Then I
have a very important question.
Do
I seem gay to you? If you didn't
know anything
about me, would you think...
ATHENA
(interrupting him)
Don't you realize where you are?
This is Ithaca!
You are
home, at last!
This news cheers up Ulysses.
ULYSSES
Ithaca!
ATHENA
But you're not out of trouble yet.
ULYSSES
You're not kidding.
My wife will kill me! I
was supposed to be here ten years ago! She
doesn't even like it when I'm a few minutes
late for dinner.
ATHENA
Your house is filled with men who want
to marry
your wife and take over your lands.
They will
kill you if they can.
ULYSSES
Uh-oh! What am I going to do?
ATHENA
First you must disguise yourself!
Go to your
home and take them by surprise.
Then slaughter
them like the savage, cold-blooded warrior that
you are!
ULYSSES
So that means you don't think I'm gay.
ATHENA
Ulysses, these parasites have been
living in your house,
eating your food, wearing your clothes and pestering
your
wife!
ULYSSES
So? They're not doing anything I wouldn't do myself.
ATHENA
Go and get your revenge!!!
Hesitantly, Ulysses heads for his home.
EXT. THE COURTYARD OUTSIDE ULYSSES' PALACE -- DAY
SUITORS of Penelope lounge around Ulysses' estate.
HOMER
(V.O.)
And so, Ulysses adopted an
ingenious disguise.
Ulysses trudges into the courtyard wearing a one-piece set of false nose, eyeglasses and mustache. The suitors barely notice him.
HOMER
(V.O.)
His faithful dog Argos was the only
one to recognize
him.
ARGOS is an ancient dog with an artificial nose. (How does he smell? Terrible!) He walks slowly over to Ulysses and looks up at him. Then he raises a hind leg and would urinate on Ulysses' foot, if Ulysses did not kick him away. Someone shouts at Ulysses:
TELEMACHUS
(off-screen)
Hey! Stop that!
Ulysses turns to see his son, TELEMACHUS, a scrawny, awkward
teenager with a very bad case of acne.
TELEMACHUS
(off-screen)
You shouldn't kick
beasts just cause they're
dumb and small and don't smell very
good.
ULYSSES
You mean you or the dog?
TELEMACHUS
That's my Dad's dog!
If he were here, you'd be in
big trouble.
ULYSSES
Telemachus?
Is that you? Don't you know me?
Telemachus thinks he is supposed to recognize this stranger,
but he has no idea who the stranger is.
TELEMACHUS
Um, I'm not very good with names.
Ulysses looks around to make certain that there is no one
watching, then he pulls Telemachus over into a corner.
Then he takes off the disguise for a second, to show Telemachus his true
face.
ULYSSES
I'm your father!
TELEMACHUS
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah, right!
I'm sure!
Athena appears magically and confirm the truth to Telemachus.
ATHENA
It is true, young Telemachus.
This is your noble father,
Ulysses, who has at last returned home.
TELEMACHUS
Wow! Who's the babe?
ATHENA
I am the goddess Athena!
Athena vanishes. Telemachus
is impressed.
TELEMACHUS
You know a goddess!
Cool! Can you fix me up
with
her?
ULYSSES
I don't know.
TELEMACHUS
I hear a lot of those goddesses are really horny.
ULYSSES
Perhaps we should talk about this some other time.
TELEMACHUS
(sarcastic)
Yeah.
Real nice! Way to go, Dad.
The first time
I've seen you since I was a little kid, and right away
you
don't want to talk to me.
ULYSSES
It's not that.
I have to prepare a plan for what to do about
the suitors!
TELEMACHUS
Are you gonna kill them?
Mom always said you'd kill them.
Why
don't you tie them all up, and then let me kill them?
ULYSSES
Let me just observe things for a while
before we decide
what to do, okay? In
the meantime, don't tell anyone
who I am.
TELEMACHUS
If I keep your secret, will you
introduce me to the
goddess babe?
ULYSSES
Yes! I'll introduce you to Athena.
TELEMACHUS
Okay, then! You can count on me.
Ulysses starts to walk away down the courtyard, when he hears Telemachus shout to the suitors.
TELEMACHUS
You guys are gonna be real sorry when
my
father kills you!
Furious, Ulysses turns around to confront his son.
TELEMACHUS
What?
I didn't say it was you. Did
I say you?
Ulysses looks around frantically, to see if anyone is
listening. However, all the suitors
are ignoring Telemachus, so he decides to go into the dining hall.
INT. THE DINING HALL OF ULYSSES' PALACE -- DAY
Ulysses enters the great dining hall of his house. Suitors eat and drink, play poker, and relax.
ULYSSES
Hey, guys! Is this the place with the free eats?
ANTINOUS, a particularly athletic suitor, looks at Ulysses
with scorn.
ANTINOUS
Be gone, beggar! You are not fit to sit with us!
ULYSSES
What do you mean?
I can freeload as well as
the next guy!
ANTINOUS
We are not freeloaders!
We are suitors of Penelope,
the widow of Ulysses!
ULYSSES
Swell! You chase Penelope and I'll take the food.
Bring on the chow!
ULYSSES sits down at one of the dining table and notices that all of the dining tables are covered with custard pies.
ULYSSES
Uh-oh. Custard pies.
Telemachus enters and tries to get everyone's attention.
TELEMACHUS
Excuse me! Excuse me everyone. Could
I
have everyone's attention.
Antinous throws a mug of beer into Telemachus's face.
Then he holds out the empty mug.
ANTINOUS
Here, boy, get me another beer. My glass is empty.
ULYSSES
So's your head.
ANTINOUS
(furious)
What???
ULYSSES
What kind of suitor are you?
If you want to win
over the mother, be nice to the kid.
Now,
why not listen to what he has to say?
Antinous is mollified, for the moment.
ANTINOUS
Okay, kid. What is it?
TELEMACHUS
I've just been talking to my Mom.
She said she's
decided that she'll marry whichever man can string
my
father's bow and hit a target at the end of the
room.
Word spreads, and all the suitors who were outside join the
rest in the dining hall. SLAVES
bring in the massive seven foot bow of Ulysses, which is supported on a
platform. The slaves also bring in
a giant arrow, and a target which they place at the other end of the room.
TELEMACHUS
Let the best man win.
ANTINOUS
That man will be me!
Antinous tries to string the bow, but he is not strong enough to bend the bow so that he can attach the string at both ends.
HOMER
(V.O.)
One by one the suitors tried to string
the bow, but
none
could succeed.
The suitors try as hard as they can, but none of them can bend it far enough to attach the string.
ULYSSES
Can I give it a try?
ANTINOUS
Haw!
You, beggar? Let's see you
try to string
this bow! It will
give us all a good laugh!
ULYSSES
Let's see. I shouldn't have any trouble with this!
Ulysses fits the bowstring into the bottom of the bow, and then tries to pull down the top of the bow. He puts his whole weight on the bow, even hooking his feet over the top end. Miraculously the bow bends enough for Ulysses to hook the bowstring over the top part. Then he tries to push the string back by putting both hands on the front of the bow, and pushing back on the string with his feet. Then he tries to reach down for the arrow, but he looses his grip on the front of the bow, and he fires himself across the room like an arrow, straight into the target. His head goes through the bull's-eye! When he pulls his head out, his disguise has come off, and everyone can see he is Ulysses!
ANTINOUS
It's Ulysses!
Kill him!!!
Ulysses grabs a pie and throws it into Antinous' face. Another suitor finds this hilarious and starts laughing. This annoys Antinous, who throws a pie in the face of the second suitor. A third suitor objects to this.
THIRD SUITOR
Hey, you can't do that to him!
Antinous hits the third suitor in the face with a pie. Then the second suitor tires to hit Antinous, but Antinous ducks and the second suitor his a fourth suitor. A giant pie fight erupts with pies flying everywhere. Poor Telemachus does particularly badly, being hit with a pie right in the face every time he tries to throw one himself. Finally, when two suitors come up on him from each side to hit him with pies, he ducks and the suitors hit each other. It is his first taste of victory! Then Athena suddenly appears in the midst of the fight and is horrified.
ATHENA
This is disgraceful!
Stop this burlesque at once!
Athena is hit in the face with a pie.
ATHENA
Oh!
You can't treat the goddess of wisdom this way!
Athena is hit in the face with another pie!
ATHENA
Stop!
Time, reverse yourself!!!
Everything freezes. Then
the film goes into reverse. The
entire pie fight is played backwards, with pies flying out of people's faces and
the dining hall being cleaned up. The
film keeps going backwards until it reaches the point when Antinous first
recognizes Ulysses and demands that he be killed.
ATHENA
That's better.
Now Ulysses, I will use my goddess
powers to grant you the strength and
skill to defeat
your enemies, but you must not use pies to do it.
Use your traditional weapon.
ULYSSES
Right! The rubber chicken!!!
Ulysses begins to bash Antinous with a rubber chicken. The chicken has suddenly become a deadly weapon. Blood flows freely wherever the rubber chicken strikes. Several suitors attack Ulysses with swords, but Ulysses rubber chicken becomes as stiff as a sword and he fences with the suitors killing them. One suitor decides to go after Telemachus.
TELEMACHUS
Dad!
Ulysses throws a rubber chicken like a spear, and it impales the suitor who was about to attack Telemachus. Telemachus pulls the chicken from the suitor's body, and uses it to fight the suitors around him. He is as deadly with the chicken as his father. Ulysses grabs a bow (a normal sized one), and reaches into his toga, and pulls out a seemingly endless supply of rubber chickens, which he uses as arrows. Many suitors fall with rubber chickens through their hearts. Finally, Ulysses starts using rubber chickens as hand grenades: He pulls their head off and throws them. The chicken grenades explode, killing the rest of the suitors. Telemachus runs to his father.
TELEMACHUS
You did it, Dad!
ULYSSES
No son, we did it!
This morning, you were just a boy!
But
now you're a cold-hearted, bloodthirsty killer.
I can't tell you how proud I am of you, son.
TELEMACHUS
Aw, Dad!
ULYSSES
And you're kind to animals!
That was wonderful, the way you
defended my dog Argos this morning.
TELEMACHUS
You know, I've got my own dog, Dad. I have a dog without a tail!
ULYSSES
A dog without a tail! How can you tell when he's happy?
TELEMACHUS
He stops biting me!
ULYSSES
That's my boy!
Ulysses hugs his son.
TELEMACHUS
Let's go tell Mom you're here!
Ulysses and Telemachus run off to find Penelope.
INT. PENELOPE'S BEDCHAMBER -- DAY
Ulysses and Telemachus enter.
ULYSSES
And so, after ten years of war, and ten
more years
of sailing home, Ulysses was at last reunited with
his wife.
The audience has probably been expecting Penelope to be ugly, but she should be ugly beyond the audience's wildest expectations. She has teeth missing and hair missing. She got wrinkles, warts and about two hundred excess pounds. She is delighted to see her husband.
PENELOPE
Ulysses! My little love slave is back at last!!!
ULYSSES
When you say "love slave" do
you mean "make
love to me--love slave" or do you mean "I'd
love
to have you clean the kitchen--love slave."
Penelope tries to be sexy.
She couldn't be more unsuccessful.
PENELOPE
I mean "make love to me all night
long--love slave."
She bats her eyes at her husband.
ULYSSES
That's what I was afraid of.
Look, honey, I'd love to
stay, but Tiresias says I've got to go build an
shrine
to Poseidon someplace where no ones ever heard of him!
PENELOPE
What?
Ulysses grabs his son by the arm.
ULYSSES
Come on, kid!
Let's get out of here!
Ulysses and Telemachus run from the room.
EXT. THE COURTYARD OUTSIDE ULYSSES' PALACE -- DAY
Ulysses and Telemachus run from Ulysses' house.
As Homer narrates, a line is drawn tracing the journey of Ulysses and Telemachus up from Greece and inland, into the heart of Russia.
(V.O.)
And so Ulysses and his son Telemachus journeyed inland,
ever inland, searching for a place where no one
knew of
Poseidon the god of the sea, Son of Cronos and Rhea,
and younger brother
of Zeus.
The line tracing the journey of Ulysses and Telemachus stops in the middle of Russia.
EXT. STREET IN AN ANCIENT RUSSIAN VILLAGE - DAY
Ulysses and Telemachus confront some RUSSIAN PEASANTS, who are standing on a street corner playing some Russian musical instruments.
ULYSSES
Do you guys know Poseidon the god of
the sea, son of
Cronos and Rhea, and younger brother of Zeus?
RUSSIAN PEASANT
No man, but if you hum a few bars we
can fake it!
Ulysses turns to Telemachus triumphantly.
ULYSSES
We did it! We found a place where no one knows
Poseidon.
We will build a shrine here to Poseidon!
But first this calls for a celebration!
Ulysses turn back to the peasants.
ULYSSES
Is there a bakery around here.
RUSSIAN PEASANT
Sure, just down the street!
The Peasant points down the street and Ulysses and Telemachus go to the bakery.
INT. BAKERY -- DAY
Ulysses and Telemachus enter and Ulysses gives his order to a BAKER.
ULYSSES
I want a big sheet cake, with a picture
of rosy
fingered dawn rising out of the wine dark sea!
Can you do that?
BAKER
Sure. Come back in a couple hours.
EXT. SUNDIAL -- DAY
A sundial shows two hours passing. In case anyone misses the point, a subtitle says, "TWO HOURS LATER. . . "
INT. BAKERY -- DAY
Ulysses and Telemachus return, and Ulysses speaks to the Baker.
ULYSSES
Is my cake ready?